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My partner doesn't get my drive for career
I'm in a 4 year relationship with someone that I care for very deeply. We met while I was in college, and he's always been supportive of my hard work, and made a point to take pride in it.
Upon graduation, I accepted an entry level job to a fast moving start up and love it. He was thrilled, despite being in a more blue-collar position himself.
Within a year I was promoted and (thankfully) given a raise. And it whet my appetite. I love my industry, I love learning about it, and when I was hired I was given the impression that if I did well and outperformed I would continue to move up. And with the new acquisition of our business, there have been a ton of role changes in the works and an official bi-annual promotion/raise period has been established.
I've been working hard and struggling with the new merger because I want to continue my trajectory. And part of that plan means getting a raise at our bi-annual period to match the salary of the workers from our newly acquired.
But when I discuss my stress and how it relates to my goals, he's doesn't get it. In fact, he's gone as far to say that I need to appreciate how lucky I am that I was given a raise and promotion so quickly, because not everyone gets that opportunity. I feel like he's missing the part when I worked hard to get that raise, and how I've been working hard now to raise myself up in that same timeline. Is my goal of wanting a raise 6 months after a first raise to match the salaries of an acquired company and to make up for the long hours I have been working the past 6 months unreasonable? And if not, how do I explain this to someone who thinks it is?
Sorry for the long post.
Katie Eksten Gomez
Educator, Advocate, and Content Curator
146
07/02/19 at 8:39PM UTC
It is also possible that he isn't accustomed to the ways this type of career orientation goes. I have a dear friend who told me, in front of her husband, that she told her department head what her goal was and then confided to us that if she wasn't promoted to a new role within the next 2 years that she would move to a competitor. Her husband came running in, "you can't seriously believe that you can do that. It doesn't work like that." Needless to say, 5 years later she has been promoted 2 more times and has doubled her salary since she started with the company. They don't have to understand how you are going to go about getting to YOUR goal. Don't be afraid to discuss your salary expectations and options with your supervisor, not all raises are merit-based.
Kathleen ORegistered Financial Adviser for women.
120
07/01/19 at 4:23PM UTC
It sounds like you are a an A-type personality and he is a B-Type. You are a go-getter, ambitious, and he is not. If this is correct, then you will have a hard-time long term to get the support you want/deserve from him.
Romy NewmanPresident & Co-Founder of Fairygodboss
825
07/01/19 at 10:26AM UTC
You absolutely deserve a partner who supports and understands your goals - and if you are not in line, it will be problematic long term. It may be time for a very candid conversation. Help him know where you are coming from and what you feel is missing.
Maria RuizGraphic Designer. Calligrapher. Feminist.
168
06/28/19 at 3:49PM UTC
Do you feel like he is belittling your success and ambition because perhaps that's how he feels about his career compared to yours? Not suggesting this, just truly asking if that's what your inkling is... I'm going to be the one to say that if you were a man, your ambition would probably be encouraged and admired. Unfortunately women are often subjected to the "you're lucky to be here, so don't push it" philosophy. I doubt that he is doing this consciously, it's just a symptom of the culture we live in.
I think the best way to handle this in the context of your relationship is to communicate with him how important this is to you. People who love you, if they know something is truly important to you, they will always support you and hype you up. Your ambition and go-getter attitude is clearly a part of who you are as a person. Tell him how you love that about yourself, that you really want this raise, and that you need his support because it helps. Tell him he does not have to offer you a solution when you're venting about this, because often times when people vent they just want to know that their partner is listening. You can also speak to how his "consider yourself lucky" response makes you feel. If he loves you and then learns his response is hurting you, I doubt he will express it again. Sometimes you got to tell your SO's how you need to be loved in certain moments. Hope this helps! Sorry for the long response!
Emily PehlGrab a mug - let's chat about life and careers
200
07/01/19 at 4:31PM UTC
I wonder if he's trying to ensure you're not disappointed if your second raise doesn't happen as quickly as you want? You mentioned he's a blue collar worker which likely means he's in a business that does one raise cycle a year and it's incredibly rare to see another raise within the same year. This might be more of an industry difference than anything. Obviously I can't hear his tone or know if he's generally supportive of your goals, but this perspective might be worth talking about with him to see if that's his fear for you.
Anonymous
06/30/19 at 3:35PM UTC
Great responses with which I wholeheartedly agree. I want to add one more long-term dimension to the thread. You deserve a life partner with whom you can continue to grow. You might also view this situation as a bit of a test case, is this person going to be part of my base from which to soar, or pull me down? With the benefit of 25+ years of hindsight, I compromised on this for a good man I also met in college and cared for (and do care for) deeply. It has had more significant long-term repercussions than I had thought through.
Please know I am not in any way judging any path, you, or your significant other! Just sharing my learnings well down the road of life.
Anonymous
06/30/19 at 1:23PM UTC
This answer is awesome. I agree with Sam24 below and I also think the same is true of what you say about how men vs women’s ambitions are viewed in society. Much of your post is about trying to get to equality with the merged companies’ employees but the title of it is about your partner so I feel like it’s best to separate the 2 different things going on here. At work, you are closest to the details and at home, you just want to feel supported and understood. Sometimes this is particularly hard when your partner has a very diff kind of career (as it sounds like you have) but it’s not at all impossible. Good luck with getting the raise/promotion and in talking this out with your guy.
Anonymous
06/28/19 at 4:06PM UTC
"Tell him he does not have to offer you a solution when you're venting about this, because often times when people vent they just want to know that their partner is listening." THIS IS SO IMPORTANT - I've had to tell my boyfriend this. Sometimes when I vent about something (and not even career related, just anything happening in my life) I'm not looking for a solution, just for someone to hear me out and reassure me that my feelings are valid.
I don't think you wanting a raise is unreasonable at all! If you tell your partner that it's something you truly feel is reasonable, he should understand and be supportive, or at least not tell you to just be grateful for what you already have.
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