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Im in a toxic relationship but i dont know which ones the toxic one
I know for sure our relationship is toxic but i dont know if its me or her, I always feel really drained from her and she’s extremely difficult, my grandma said shes selfish, a couple days ago i told her i left my headphones at her house, and she said that her dog had them so i asked if she could get them and she said no because he would bite her (their dog is poorly trained) then when i told her if he chews them up then she should give me a new pair and she just said “nah”
She has a job and i dont (we are 14) and she blows her paycheck really fast, so shes always asks me for money because shes “broke” she also got mad at me for wanting all three of us to meet up with her and her ex (they were still friends) and when she found out (idk how) she ignored me for a long time and wouldn’t tell me what was wrong so i asked her brother and he told me it was because she accused me of trying to make her jealous by hanging out with her ex (before all of this she asked me if i would ever hang out with him without her and i said no) but she still got mad at me , it was a really long argument mostly me repeating the same thing until she got it through her thick head, before she finally apologized, about a week ago while we were in gym class we walked the track outside she was being quiet so i didnt say anything and I decided talked to one of my other friends while she was doing that thing again, she walked ahead of us, then when we went back in i said “do you wanna play volleyball?” And she said no and walked away to walk around the upstairs part of the gym, so she took a picture sent it to another one of my friends and said i was ignoreing her and she thought the solution was to ignore me for the rest of the day, (i found out by basically forcing it out of him) so I decided I wouldn’t bother trying to talk to her because she never tells me whats wrong and always responds with “i dont want to talk about it” so i left it alone and acted like i didnt know , i offered her a school juice box in the hallway to make conversation (she has the same class After me so we had time to talk before i had to go to mine) and she completely ignored me as I expected, so i laughed it off and left.. later that day she texted me saying i “acted like a bitch” and “ignored her and acted like nothing happened” I eventually apologized and said “im sorry if it seemed like that but i wasent”
She never apologized
I really dont know what to do, shes hard to communicate with and I barely have any friends and we have known each other for 7 years so its hard to cut her off.
Thanks for reading if you got this far
Alice Johnson
Computer nerd-ish, travel lover, connector
649
11/01/19 at 9:01PM UTC (Edited)
I don't think you'll be able to answer that question HONESTLY with yourself until you are out of that relationship. I find that most people I know have gone through a relationship like this. Those who got out of it, and took a long break from relationships had better understandings of what they don't want, red flags, and were also able to mature themselves. Let's be honest, we've all probably been toxic to someone at some point in our lives, taking time away from relationships like these allow us the space to realize where we went wrong. It sounds like she has some toxic behavior, definitely but now it is up to you to decide whether or not you will continue to allow yourself to go through this. It may not be today, but one day you'll wake up and know for sure that you are no longer allowing this in your life. You'll feel the difference in your mind. It's a true shift.
I hope that day for you is sooner rather than later. You are young, but gosh will you be proud of yourself later in life to have learned this lesson now.
Best of luck,
Alice
Anonymous
10/30/19 at 2:20PM UTC
You are not the only one that sees her behavior. Others are watching - so you will be teaching them how to interact with you. Bullies look for people that will not stand up to them. Take this opportunity to - with no drama - not accept this behavior. Just walk away - using the great advice from others here. You will find people that you want to spend time with, and that want to spend time with you. Promise.
BossladyRoseEngineer with a Passion for Medical Technology
156
10/23/19 at 8:31PM UTC
Friends will come and go throughout your life. In my opinion, It doesn't matter which one of you is toxic. It could be that neither of you are actually toxic, but put together, you just don't mix well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Keep your head down, do your homework, look to your future. There is nothing wrong with giving the relationship a break. Just don't get drug into the drama. If she is ignoring you, do like you did with the juice. If she chooses to ignore her that's on her. Be kind, work hard, and keep moving through life. So many more friends are in your future, even if it doesn't feel like it now.
Peg Bittnerretired auditor now into volunteering
621
10/23/19 at 7:24PM UTC
You are definitely the smart one, you have a head on your shoulders and can think beyond the current. I don't see a friendship here in anyway. It will tough at first but walk away,fast. No one especially you deserves to live in a situation like that. You deserve much better. If you stay with this person life is only going to get worse. The romance has long gone,you are now on survival mode.
Michelle LondonJournalist. Renaissance women. Book lover.
58
10/23/19 at 4:57PM UTC
To recognize that this friendship is toxic is pretty insightful at your age, so good for you! Lots of good advice and suggestions have already been made, so I will just add that whenever you are in a relationship in which you feel you are giving more than receiving, it's time to let it go. The fact that you mention being drained and exhausted by this "friend" is a sure sign that not only is it toxic, it's co-dependent as well (another good term to Google and learn about).
A healthy friendship involves an equal amount of give and take. Maybe not at the same time (we all have moments when we may need more than we can offer), but in the overall grand scheme of things, it should balance out. A good and valuable relationship takes work on both sides, but it shouldn't leave you emotionally exhausted.
At your age, recognizing this person for the "emotional vampire" that she is and backing away from your friendship will provide you with the confidence and ability to recognize such behavior in others as you navigate young adulthood and adulthood. Surround yourself with positive friends who support and encourage you. As someone with many years of life experience, I would rather have a few wonderful friends I enjoy than a group of friends who suck the life out of me.
You sound wise beyond your years. I'm sure you have friendships in your future that will enrich your life and be very rewarding!
Deb AllenHighly effective Talent Advisor
300
10/23/19 at 4:22PM UTC
You are not the toxic one, I think she would qualify as someone exhausting to maintain a relationship with. Even in the professional world there are mean girls you need to learn to avoid for your own sake. It is a great skill to be able to recognize negative relationships as you will use this throughout your life.
Courtney CainOperations Manager
36
10/23/19 at 4PM UTC
Knowing someone for a long time that behaves badly does not mean that you have to continue to accept their bad behavior. She doesn't sound like a very nice person or any fun to be around at all. At 14, it is hard when you only have a few friends but have you ever considered that other people do not want to be friends with you because of her? As you get older, you will realize that you do not need to have a lot of friends to have a great life. It is often better to have fewer friends. This advice may not help you right now so for the time being, stay away from her. You are so young and you should focus on doing well in school and learning about as many interesting things as possible to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. How is your home life? Do you spend time with your parents? Any siblings? Maybe getting closer to your family should be your focus now instead of wasting time in a dead end relationship.
Tenley Amerson
12
10/23/19 at 3:52PM UTC
You have to tell her bye! The relationship clearly isn’t working for either one of you or making you happy. I would take some time to focus on yourself- like making new friends and taking up new hobbies. If you’re in a relationship where you just feel bad... it’s a downward spiral.
Jeanne Hopson
17
10/23/19 at 2:37PM UTC
Hi, I think there are a lot of good suggestions here to take to heart. And one additional thing to keep in mind, the fact that you recognize the relationship as toxic reveals that even if you in some way contributed to this, you are farther along than she is. That said, don't use it as an excuse to feel superior, and as other suggested, don't pursue her. Someone said you need to be a little "selfish", and I agree with the sentiment, but would add that "self-care" and "selfishness" are not the same thing. The former is healthy, whereas the latter is unhealthy.
Anonymous
10/23/19 at 2:17PM UTC
Anonymous, first of all sorry that you have this negative experience with a friend. It sounds like you feel cut off and ignored,and you came to the conclusion that it is a toxic relationship.
Maybe these videos on resolving toxic relationships, how to disconnect from negative people kindly and how to set your own boundaries will help you (for me they are worth a million). They are by world-renowned speaker,transformation coach and powerwoman Lisa Nichols:
https://youtu.be/n9h8IFd9U_Q
https://youtu.be/cdSvYD8ThAQ
https://youtu.be/gjuEZXEUcn8
Secondly, have you ever heard of gaslighting?
If not, please read up on this - the fact that you are being ignored by your friend, then accused by her to ignore her and that you start doubting if maybe you are the toxic person sounds like classical gaslighting: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859
Thirdly, since you seem like a pretty aware and kind person, I think you should know that in our society, women are often called 'difficult' , men aren't even when they show the same behaviour. So while I think your friends behaviour is definitely NOT ok and also that when your boundaries are hurt it is NOT your job to find out why a person is doing that, people in general act like that for a reason that makes sense to *them* (e.g. they feel betrayed, hurt etc).
Only you know what's best to do. I'd just say you're worth someone who treats you right and you'll find your way.
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