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Will my relationship with my stepson get any better?
I have known my stepson since he was 3 years old (he is now 8). His mother and I never got along ever since I started dating his dad (we are now married for 4 years).
Ever since my daughter turned 2 years old (he was 6 years old), he's been acting rebellious towards me. I have mentioned it to his father multiple times and nothing more than a "don't do that again" has been said. Lately, he's been talking back, demanding things of me, giving me attitude, and refuses to either listen to me to do what he is asked.
In our household, my husband and I teach both children to be respectful and polite. My daughter has caught on, but my stepson has not. I spend most of the time with the kids (as my husband goes to work everyday, full time). He only acts this way when my husband isn't home or isn't in vision distance.
I tend to keep quiet as situation will never go past "don't do that again".
Will my situation get any better as he grows older?
User deleted comment on 09/10/20 at 2:11PM UTC
Anonymous
09/10/20 at 11:28AM UTC
My partner and his stepdad have a wonderful relationship but I have come to understand it wasn't like that for years as a kid. There are several points they admit were turning points for them. 1, mom and stepdad agreed to be a unified front and stepdad had permission to fully parent her child. 2, stepdad had a come-to-jesus moment were he admitted he wasn't perfect and apologized for getting it wrong a few time. (that was particular impactful for my spouse to hear as a teen boy). 3. Through consistency my partner realized step-dad wasn't going away and was actually cherished his mom and eventually he realized he had to respect that.
It can get better, but it will take work! Boys want to be known and respected. He's 8 and acting 8. He has feelings and emotions he can't express appropriately yet. Stay steady and respectful towards him. I like Crystal's suggestion to seek chances to do special "just for him" things to hear his thoughts. Work on yourself and consider therapy or counseling the only thing you can control is yourself and your reaction.
Anonymous
09/10/20 at 2:18PM UTC
I understand the fact that he's still young and is still developing on how to work out with his emotions. I was even hesitant to post the question up because I thought it was asinine to even ask. But deep down, I'm afraid that my stepson will never accept me because he HAS a mom.
Like I mentioned in the above comments, ever since I've known him I allowed him to talk about his mother, tell stories about his mother, reminisce to the days his father and mother were together. No judgements, no questions, no reactions. Because those are his memories and he has every right to keep them. I don't want him feeling like talking about his mother in front of me is taboo. His mother and I may not get along, but I never show that in front of him. Again, because he's 8, he doesn't know any better.
We have moments where he'll ask me to play games with him or help him beat a mission and I'll gladly accept. But it only lasts a while until he realizes that his father is doing something with his stepsister. And he loses all interest in doing anything with me.
But you're right, consistency in all aspects of what my role is in his life should help him realize who I actually am to him. I will look for special things to do with him and definitely considering therapy or counseling. Thank you for your response! By far, it gives me a sense of relief that it will get better.
Anonymous
09/10/20 at 12:53AM UTC
How about asking what’s going on with your husband present? Maybe he misses his Mom. Kids act out for a reason.
Anonymous
09/10/20 at 1:59PM UTC
When I tell my husband what had happened earlier in the day or ask my stepson to tell him, my stepson stays quiet and mostly denies anything he has done.
Maybe he does miss his mom as he only sees her Friday-Monday as opposed to every day. Thank you for your response!
Crystal Rhineberger
professional rofl nevermind lets just wing it
2.29k
09/09/20 at 11:40PM UTC (Edited)
Stepchildren can be very confused as to socially accepting another parental authority. Even more so if they like the person because there is this guilt thinking that they can only truly love their “parents”.
Some of this pushing can be the age and guilt.
Have you tried workshops and projects with the stepson? I did this with my stepdaughter. I kept the activity and discussions neutral (no matter what I felt), we got to know each other with no judgement. I did not always allow the sibling to join this was our special time.
My stepdaughter felt more secure that it was ok to like me... as she grew we talked about what we felt the other parent could handle hearing. Some parents welcome steps... some dont (i had the dont end of it) again this was a no judgement zone.
Later through the years we lost her father to heart issues and while she chose to live with her grandmother we still have a very valuable friendship. She has said she always felt like a valued person not just a kid with me. For her it was being heard and knowing where we stood together, she chose not to live w me cuz she knew I would push her academically and want her to work at 16. Not bad things but she is not geared that way. Again no judgement it did break my heart but at least we knew each other well
Anonymous
09/10/20 at 1:55PM UTC
I've tried playing the games that he likes to play or reading books that he likes to read and the moment only lasts for about 30 minutes. Sometimes I feel as if he has FOMO because he'll realize that my daughter (his stepsister) is spending time with his dad and wants to join in on what they're doing. I try to bring him back to playing/reading with me, but he refuses.
I may need to try projects and workshops without my husband and daughter present. This is a great idea as he likes watching videos of people and diys.
I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you got to know your stepdaughter and built a relationship that will last. Thank you for your response!
Crystal Rhinebergerprofessional rofl nevermind lets just wing it
2.29k
09/10/20 at 2:16PM UTC
Admittedly it was very difficult to lose both husband and feel abandoned by the step-daughter but again I had to consider what he rneeds and wants were not what I wanted for her.
I loved the time i had w just her and she would bring froends along and us girls had a great time. We talked about poems, activities, movies whatever we could get our hands on
Anonymous
09/10/20 at 2:23PM UTC
That sounds like a lot of fun! I feel like I'd get along better with a daughter than with a son because I like all the girly things, but I'm definitely up for the challenge (: Even though you lost the one person you both had in common, couldn't you still spend some time with each other? I mean, maybe not as much as before due to covid, but still do things together? Even if virtually? Sounds like you both had a great relationship when you were together!
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Stacey DarlingAdmin Assistant in South Dakota
167
09/09/20 at 10:26PM UTC
Being a parent is challenging enough, being a step-parent is even more challenging! If both of you do not present a united front, I fear that the situation could get worse. It's too bad his mother and you don't get along, the 3 of you presenting a consistent and united front would be the ideal situation. Kids will be kids, and each has a unique personality. Some push boundaries more than others. It might be worth your while, if your husband is agreeable, to seek some guidance from someone with expertise in the area of step-parenting. Good luck!
Anonymous
09/10/20 at 1:48PM UTC
No matter what the situation was between his mother and I or his mother and his father, I always accepted his mother whenever my stepson mentioned her in conversations. I encouraged him, and still do, to talk about his mother whenever he wanted. Whatever he was feeling towards her, whatever story he wanted to tell. That way he didn't feel as if talking about his mother in front of me is taboo.
I've never actually asked my husband about seeking out guidance, but that may be a very good option. Thank you for your response!
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