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My boss' fatal flaw is taking a toll on my mental health
I recently started a new job and I've been enjoying the work a lot. A week ago, another employee came back into the office after MAT leave. She instantly had a problem with me and started berating me in front of our colleagues.
I quickly informed my boss and he said he'd talk to his boss (the company owner). His boss spoke to me yesterday and basically told me to just ignore the woman who yelled at me. Yet she's continued to make hurtful and rude comments about my work, even though both my boss and the owner know about it.
This is really taking a toll on my mental health and makes me not want to go into the office. I like the work and there wasn't trouble with my boss before this. Yet if he can't support me now, how am I supposed to rely on him to advocate for me in the future? What can I do?
Anonymous
10/04/20 at 5:27PM UTC (Edited)
I had a similar(ish) issue. I was a supervisor, under a manager but over a bunch of student staff members, most of whom were great, learned well, worked hard and we all got on as workers and friends (this was in uni and I was a student too, albeit older than the others, and a masters student to boot). So, yeah, i had seniority in almost every aspect. Then a young lad started, who described himself as an intellectual (he wasn't - and most people who describe themselves that way aren't! :P ), he didn't do what he was told, scoffed when I gave him the mandatory training to do, and bossed everyone else around. I raised all the issues I had with him to my manager several times, but she didn't want to 'rock the boat'. In short, she was unmotivated to actively control him, had been promoted well above her abilities (I did 90% of her admin work because I'm sure she's an undiagnosed dyslexic and in denial about it), and generally was one of those who makes out that it's the victim's fault in any situation because it's the victim raising awareness about it. Because she never dealt with it, he ended up swearing at a long-standing member of staff in front of customers, being sent home and ultimately being dismissed - and my manager tried to imply that it was my fault! Last I heard, the business had been taken over by a company who knew what they were doing and the manager has been 'strongly encouraged' to take early retirement...
Going anonymous in case anyone recognises this and stirs it all up again, the lad in question is horrendously rancorous about it, and will almost certainly try and make trouble - to the point that within a month of his leaving, I suddenly got a *bunch* of random friend requests from people I didn't know, clearly designed to tempt me into 'friending' them... I don't friend strangers, and found out from an ex-gf of his that he did that to her, friended her a few different ways under different names to try and know what she was up to, what she thought about him, and to have 'back-up' when they were deciding on holiday destinations, where to eat, best places to party etc. Creepy child, he is...
Gwenevere Crary
44
09/09/20 at 5:59PM UTC
My advise to you, which I actually paid to get, is to recognize that the individual is at their personal limitation and could be lashing out because of it...maybe she is threaten by your work or insecure with where she fits into the team now that she is back. Be the better person and shower her with kindness.
Casey Kee
27
09/08/20 at 3:29PM UTC
Make sure that you document EVERYTHING. Document when you brought this situation up with your boss and how they said that it was going to be brought up to the owner. Show that higher ups INCLUDING the owner know about this behavior. Document every act of hostility. If this is taking too much of a toll on your mental health, you can quit and receive unemployment benefits under hostile work environment.
Now for her to be hostile against you, it could be her being insecure with her position.
Ranjani KrishnamurthyCustomer Engagement, Operations, Staffing & CMS
143
09/07/20 at 9:18AM UTC
I think she is insecure about losing her significance in the team since it functioned well during her absence which she is unfairly channeling at you. While I agree with all of the above points mentioned to safeguard your interests, I suggest you develop sympathy (I know its tough and that I am being crazy to even suggest that to you!) for her which cushions you out of the stress that the situations would be causing you and you will just do what is needed without getting bogged down by it.
Peg Bittnerretired auditor now into volunteering
621
09/06/20 at 9:35PM UTC
Oh, I can feel, relate, and recall like it was yesterday what you are going through is what I went through in the winding down years of a 40 year career in something I loved doing. I had joined a firm with a degree and 25 years of experience in the accounting field of various industries. The area I joined was made up of people who reached the membership billing and auditing department by bidding into the area over the course of years of making time in positions and climbing the grade ladder. That was all that mattered. My accounting experience was not a viable attribute in my manager's eyes and everyday I would get reprimanded, yelled at, questioned on what or what I didn't do. I could not even walk into my unit with out having her order me to her office. Many a day my day started with her screaming. I went to HR and they did nothing, no one came to my rescue I was left on my home until there was a major layoff and we could volunteer and I took advantage of it. This was after I developed a major case of panic attacks and a seizure disorder that took me 9 years to get control of and it all started on that floor. It was the worst time of my life. So when that offer came I had no other choice for my benefit but take it. That was 10 years ago and everything is fine now but those years I had no peace and a steady diet of being called stupid, lazy, had no idea what I was doing, can't do anything right, just can't follow directions and cause so much work for others. One woman one employee and a destroyed mental being. I feel for you, it is an ugly place you are in and I wish I knew of a better place where you can shine
William Walls
27
09/06/20 at 6:07PM UTC (Edited)
There's a lot of great advice here. I just want to highlight something that a few people alluded to and was (in my interpretation) inferred in some of the comments that I agreed with most.
An important part of being able to provide positive contributions in any role, at any company you ever work for throughout your entire career, is developing emotional resilience--or, what used to be called developing a thick skin.
From your description of the situation, it seemed to me that your boss' analysis of the issue (and they may well have more facts at their disposal than you do) is that this isn't an issue worthy of them asserting their authority over. I would invite you to consider the possibility that If all the facts were known to you, you might actually agree with them. Several factors could be involved here. She could be dealing with some significant post-partum issues. If that were the case, being a medical issue, your bosses would be legally prevented from informing you about her private health issues, and that would unfold in your experience in exactly the way you're seeing. She could be (as another commentor said) experiencing tremendous stress at work or at home. If that's the case, and your bosses are aware of it, they may be regarding the situation as a temporary one that will either resolve itself, or would best be resolved once the stressors that are affecting her are no longer doing so. There's definitely some wisdom in that approach.
There are various other sources and catalysts that could be causing or contributing to her behavior, and a great many of those potential causes and contributing factors, even though they affect you directly, could turn out to be none of your business. If your bosses have a history of demonstrating reliable leadership and effective judgment in other areas of running the company, then I think you would be wise to continue to trust their judgment in this case and follow the advice they've given you.
If they haven't demonstrated that sort of history, then I would look for another position at another company--not because of her, but because of them.
Beth CaldwellFounder of Leadership Academy for Women
572
09/06/20 at 3:25PM UTC
There is all good advice here for you, and you have some important decisions to make. I like the idea of getting a coach from the workplace bully association. Here are my thoughts:
She has only been back for one week, and that is good news. Her actions have not been going on for years, which is what often happens in these cases.
When women yell, get emotional and /or berate others, it makes everyone uncomfortable. Especially men. Men will do almost anything to avoid an emotionally upset woman. This is one reason why they want you to just ignore her. But we know that will not solve the problem.
I hope you will try this idea, anonymous. The next time she begins to berate you, hold up your hand like a stop sign. If she keeps talking say STOP. Hold on just one minute, please, I need to get my cell phone. I'd like to record this. I've learned that after an emotionally escalated conversation, people often have trouble remembering exactly what was said, so I want to get this all down. NOW...where is my voice recorder......ok...ok..RECORD...Thanks for waiting...go on...you were saying?
This may be WAY out of your comfort zone, anonymous, but the problem here is the pattern. She has a pattern of getting emotional, they have a habit of presenting it's not happening. Your job is to interrupt the pattern. Most people don't want to be harmful to others. Many times they are not aware that their actions are causing other to seek mental health therapy. I have found that when they realize their actions are harmful, most high functioning adults do what they can to make changes.
Meanwhile, read all the books you can on leadership and professional development. I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend. See if there is a Townsend Leadership Group in your town, or a Boundaries Study Group. And immediately begin looking for your next job. If she does not change, you don't want to stay here.
If you are not brave enough yet to address her directly, you can print out all of this advice and take it to senior management. Ask them to read it over and help you choose how to best handle this.
Good Luck and let us know what happens!
PS--there is an excellent workshop here on FairyGodBoss that gives lots of examples on how to handle conflict and have difficult conversations at work. Watch the recording here:
https://fairygodboss.com/events/BkcGjRk8I/conquering-conflict-and-addressing-awkward
Angela McEnteeManual software tester
27
09/06/20 at 3:20PM UTC
You said you weren’t having any problems until the other employee came back from leave. I am inclined to think your boss is not the problem here. It’s hard to say why he came back with “just ignore her”. His hands could be tied by HR or upper mgmt. Also, a lot of sups or mgrs aren’t suited to the task of mediator for interpersonal conflicts. All that being said, HR and managements first loyalty is to the company, not the employees, so I agree with the others, document everything. Print it and hold it in a folder at home. Keep your comments as neutral and factual as possible. You haven’t mentioned how or if your work overlaps with this other woman’s. Does she do this public scolding to others? Is there any kernel of useful input this woman has when she complains? If she’s a bully, trying to placate her or get along with her may not work. I’d suggest to do your best to not engage with her if at all possible. It’s difficult to give better advice without knowing more about the dynamics.
Miranda Bennett-KingD&I Leader
31
09/06/20 at 1:25PM UTC
I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. I’m sure it’s frustrating for sure. Have you ever had a courageous conversation with this particular employee to uncover what the issue is... if there is one?
Anonymous
09/05/20 at 6:39PM UTC
If she starts berating you, give her a confused look and walk away. Say nothing to her and walk away. If that is not possible, I also like the script above "I will not address this until you can calmly and professionally have a conversation."
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