I am in such trouble.

Anonymous

December 20,2022 at 7:23AM UTC

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I am in such trouble. I called my manager all sorts of degrading names on a secret whatsapp group with other employees. a whistle blower sent screenshots to him. I have a hearing tomorrow and will probably loose my job. I have no idea why I said it and what on earth is going on with me. It's been a rough year and my performance has been in a downward spiral since May. This manager has only been good and very supportive to me. He didn't deserve the slander at all. I have no idea what's going on with me. I have never in my life acted in such a despicable manner. I have no idea how to even try to remedy this sitution. I sent him an apology, but it feels false. What can I say and do to try and remedy the situation?

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AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 11:27AM UTC
Just be honest and let everyone know you are struggling with your mental health. Then apologize
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 1:23PM UTC
Mental health issues are no excuse for abhorrent behavior like degrading name calling and creating an electronic record of slanderous activity on WORK hardware and software. Step up and take full responsibility for your actions and recognize that you’ll likely be fired. Don’t give excuses, don’t try to explain it away with statements like: I don’t know what’s going on with me! The OP is an adult and needs to act like one. Take some time after this job ends to reflect on your behavior, seek medical and mental health care so this pattern doesn’t repeat itself and commit to yourself that you’ll never do this in a professional environment again.
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 11:34AM UTC
Hi dear, just be honest and let him know what you have been going through and apologize to him.
Amy ConwayDecember 20,2022 at 1:15PM UTC
Do you best to be honest and apologetic. You may lose your job, but you can do that with dignity and grace. Take it as a learning moment and grow from it regardless of the outcome.
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 1:21PM UTC
Years ago, I moved cross country and made the mistake of thinking my coworkers were my friends. We had a crazy boss at the time, and I said some not so nice things about her in what I thought was a confidential vent session with a couple of people. Looking back, I think I was just trying to fit in. One of my “friends” went to our boss and told her what I said. My name was the only one mentioned to the boss. My boss called me out on it. I apologize profusely and managed to hang onto my job. But that was absolutely a lesson to me. I do not speak poorly of anybody at work anymore to anyone. Most coworkers are in fact, not friends. I learned that lesson the hard way. I took ownership of it, but I will never again trust anybody at work enough to speak ill of a boss or another coworker. Good luck to you. Looks like you’re owning your mistake. I hope your boss accepts the apology and you can both move on from this. If not, use it as a lesson learned.
Shula GossardDecember 20,2022 at 1:24PM UTC
Apologize profusely. But more importantly, get help for yourself. You’ve said that you’re having a good deal of difficulty. Does your work have a coverage for counseling? If not, most counselors have sliding scale fees. And/or speak with a pastor. This will be the beginning of an important journey of healing, health, and perspective for yourself.
Madeline M.December 20,2022 at 1:46PM UTC
Leave. You wrote what you truly felt. Own it and leave. You lack integrity and he’ll always look at you with a side eye - he won’t ever trust you again no matter what you do or say. Bad mouthing your boss is career suicide. Do you really think he’ll support your growth after this? Promote you? Sorry but what ever you put on the internet stays forever. Learning lesson.
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 6:28PM UTC
Most actionable advice on this entire thread! Finally, someone who is giving the OP straight talk express. You won't recover from this. End this suffering for everyone and accept responsibility for your actions.
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 7:07PM UTC
Totally agree. Even if one of my staff wasn't bad mouthing me, and was bad mouthing other staff members, that's not energy I'd want on my team. You should resign gracefully and make your exit.
Shelly EdwardsDecember 20,2022 at 2:08PM UTC
I would start with an apology and tell him exactly what you said here. Tell him that you appreciate all that he has done to help you. I would agree though that even if you stay, he won’t trust you for a while and you will need to earn that back. I would suggest also possibly seeking some counseling to help you figure out what is going on. Something in your life has you on a spiral and it’s important that you figure out what that is either for this job or for future job be.
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 2:40PM UTC
I would ask that the whistleblower be there too as you are not the only commenter on the boss - and it they are holding you accountable then there should be 2-3 more people sitting right next to you
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 6:30PM UTC
Maybe having the whistle blower and other offenders there will dilute the damage to the OP...said no one ever. This situation isn't salvageable and having others sitting next to you for the finger pointing exercise will make you all look like fools.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 12:55PM UTC
Good thing you don’t work in law enforcement- there was only one seller of drugs in Mexico right? Forget all the others in the US - said no one ever. They just look like fools. Finger pointing to find the real culprit of the issue in the company will do NO good - after all, if she gets fired the toxic environment will stop right???? No need to have everyone present - just take down the scapegoat… thank god I don’t work with you.
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 9:28PM UTC
I would take your lumps, expect to search for a new job where you have a clean slate and an opportunity to show up differently, keep some healthy distance from old and new coworkers, and find a wonderful mental health counselor to help you get to the underlying issues. There isn't a way out of everything. Apologies don't paper over everything we do.. Sometimes it's good to hold up a mirror and learn something important about ourselves in order to grow. Good luck!
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 10:43PM UTC
Say exactly what you just said here. Good Luck. PS, all of the so-called private boards with company "people" ALWAYS have a rogue HR or person on them.
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 11:24PM UTC
You can’t post about anything like that on social media or an app. Or to other workers. There’s always someone waiting to jump on it.
EPDecember 21,2022 at 8:09AM UTC
You should resign if you don’t know why you made disparaging remarks about him that’s not good for a repeat performance. Don’t trust any coworkers. Gossip is evil in the workplace. Creates negative energy, division and unhappiness. Figure out why you said exactly of the opposite to what you were feeling. You have to get to the bottom of it or the behavior won’t change.
AnonymousDecember 21,2022 at 1:55PM UTC
A 'sent' apology is not nearly as believable as a F2F apology. If you are truly sorry then reach out, book a call with them or drop by the office... not sure it'll fix anything but it may.
Also do some reflecting and figure out why you would say such things... if you were following the crowd and said what you did to fit in... you definitely learned a lesson here.
Good luck.
Paulla Fetzek, MSEdDecember 21,2022 at 2:16PM UTC
To start, I'm sorry you've had a rough year.
It's going to be difficult for you if you remain at your current job considering what happened. But it's not impossible.
If you feel your apology sounded false, you can always craft new one. Explain why you're apologizing again, and add what you feel you need to apologize again (or more).
From what you wrote, it's important for you to understand why you said what you did. I know you said you have no idea - but you honestly need to dig deep and discover why. Because it's going to be asked of you. Did you feel peer pressure? Were you frustrated by something he said or did at some point? If you feel something in the rough year is the cause - and you feel comfortable sharing this - then let the people at the hearing know.
Every employee has the right to confidentially express themselves regarding their job and people they work with.
I'm not condoning the use of hate speech or derogatory comments whatsoever. And this is something you will have to explain. However, it's also wrong that someone thought it was proper to leak conversations from a private group.
Finally, I do understand why you fear losing your job. But it may not be the case. If you stay, keep in mind that others may learn of this incident which could make being there most uncomfortable. Going to a new job does afford new opportunities. But the past will follow you regardless of where you go.
I wish you all the best.
AnonymousDecember 21,2022 at 2:33PM UTC
I think if you stay it’s going to be extremely uncomfortable for you. You said things on your own time but I don’t think that will help. I also think you know why you said what you said it’s just difficult to admit it. Leaving may be your only option and then you have to have a good reason why when you go on interviews. Obviously never ever say anything online or in a text to a coworker or social media there’s always a snake in the grass. I’m interested in knowing what happens if you are comfortable posting. Good luck
Marlo GiangrandeDecember 22,2022 at 1:46PM UTC
Don't stay!! especially if it's making you unhappy and you can afford to leave. I have been there I didn't specifically speak about the boss but I did get let go for not signing in at a client's home that called me to cancel so when I spoke to her I signed into work because the call came in not to do her home visit,I signed in at her house exit and her potential LL landlord also called me for a section 8 apartment viewing the next day I was let go based on a GPS stated it was misconduct that everything was in my phone boss never answered the day. it happened so basically my office was my car but they wanted us to start the work day at their home visit.
next the boss vendetta:
Prior history, I called out my boss in front of her boss I basically led them on it was about something else it was more interesting ...I told her boss how she was bullying me in the workplace saying to me" stay in my lane" and "I know you're better than me a few times throwing my signed approval paperwork on my desk" me my and it's not going to be "water over the bridge" trust me he/she they will be out to get you to trust me I have been there! the boss will be out for vengeance it will get worse they will closely watch you and this got worse because I stayed, Her boss never reported to HR!
AnonymousDecember 21,2022 at 5:37PM UTC
How did your hearing turn out?
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 3:26AM UTC
If you can go onto short term disability to work on your psychological or psychiatric issues it might not save your job but it could save your sense of who you are and restore you to your former "self."
Kristie WhiteDecember 22,2022 at 1:10PM UTC
Say exactly what you just said. And take responsibility for the poor judgement you used, including holding yourself accountable for the judgement that costs your job. Don’t make excuses, accept the punishment without question. Showing character at this difficult time might help you, but even if it doesn’t you’ve pulled yourself back from the brink and exhibited integrity.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 1:21PM UTC
Please see a Dr as soon as possible. Make a list of all changes you have noticed since May. You may a have serious physical health issue!
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 1:26PM UTC
I'd venture to say that there is no one on here (or maybe even anywhere) who hasn't done something impulsive and injudicious at some time. I know I have, and it was pretty scary. I agree with the advice to book an appointment with the person and apologize--but don't get emotional and don't make excuses. Just own it. Very often when someone blows up their own life in this way, there are other (possibly) unrelated issues that are impacting thoughts and behavior. I urge you to seek mental health counseling to sort out what is going on with you, come to terms with whatever else you might be struggling with, and figure out a path forward. Most importantly, don't spend any time blaming yourself: you've done the deed, it's in the past, you will attempt to make amends: now your task is to get yourself sorted out and move forward. One foot in front of the other--you CAN do this.
HalimaDecember 22,2022 at 1:33PM UTC
But you’re only apologizing because someone sent him screenshots. Of course it sounds false.
I don’t know where to go from here. This sounds terrible and I feel bad for your manager. Someone else commented that perhaps it’s time for you to find a new job, and I agree. No one deserves to be called degrading names and so on, especially someone you admitted has been good and supportive to you. Geez
Meredith EisgrauDecember 22,2022 at 1:44PM UTC
Own it.
Clean it up.
Take inventory of what you're really feeling and why your performance is "in a downward spiral"
Treat yourself to some self-care (you've stated twice that you don't know what's going on with you)
Take a deep breath. It's really all going to be ok.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 1:47PM UTC
I'm glad to see you've taken responsibility for your actions. There was an impact on someone else so that is important. Based on your repeated comments of not knowing why you behave the way you do sometimes, I think you would benefit well from professional support likely in the form of a behavioral therapist. This doesn't mean you're crazy! It just means that there's something going on that the therapist can hopefully help guide you to a more positive and productive path. Going to another place isn't really the answer because where you go, there you will be. And you'll probably self-sabotage in a new environment as well until you start dealing with the root cause within yourself. The best!
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 1:48PM UTC
Take accountability for your actions. At this point, you can’t be trusted and not only you violated company policy but you also offended others in your company with your comments. Own it and learn from this experience. We all make mistakes and this will get you fired. That’s all.
Gretchen SkalkaDecember 22,2022 at 1:50PM UTC
You have two situations to remedy:
The immediate employment situation - this is triage.
The personal situation - this is either therapy (likely) or coaching or both - but you need an impartial partner to work with to uncover what is happening leading to the self-sabotage you're engaged in.
THE IMMEDIATE SITUATION:
This is basically a gigantic mea culpa moment for you. There is not explaining this away. It happened. It was wrong. You know it. You have no explanation for it. You are ashamed (don't say sorry - it won't ring true - if you feel shame - own it and acknowledge it).
QUESTIONS:
Have you been with this company and/or manager long? Do you have a past history that is good you can draw upon as a request to give you another chance because you have shown you add value to the organization?
WHY THIS MATTERS:
You have to demonstrate very clearly at this point that you add value.
You need to balance the poor behavior and poor recent performance against good past performance and behavior.
AND ALSO ...
You MUST appeal to them to partner with you to become better. You have to acknowledge what happened without excuse and let them know that you would welcome their guidance and mentorship to help you develop into the associate they know you can be.
PERSONAL SITUATION:
Was there an event, some catalyst that happened that caused you to spiral?
Was there something else that's been there and has bubbled up, leading to these issues?
You have to get to the bottom of that so that you can know what your working with and develop a plan to overcome those challenges.
Again - without knowing too much, my thinking is that either therapy or coaching or perhaps a combination of both might be something to look into.
If you can salvage the work situation and your employer has an EAP - you can leverage that to find a therapist.
That might also be worth mentioning to them - that you know something is going on and you are committed to addressing it personally on your own because it is that important to you to work through these challenges you're having.
Please let us know what happens.
I wish you nothing but the best and I do so hope things work out for you!!
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 2:07PM UTC
Very very good advice. Especially admitting you messed up and don’t know why but will seek to figure it out. It might save you.
Pat RoqueDecember 22,2022 at 2:21PM UTC
Sorry you went through this, many folks have had a very rough time in lots of behaviors of showing up that are not: “who we are“.
I would gently, yet urgently, suggest you check in with a healthcare provider, or a mental health counselor, or some version of a physician who May be able to support.
Do this today so that you have documented the effort, because I would think that may help you with some possible protection if there was an underlying issue. you May also want to just check with an employment lawyer, if that becomes the case, hopefully it will not, and I’m hoping you’re feeling much better,
bTw we had a client who had some personal family issues and health rumblings going on …and had some moments at the office. What I suggested pre-empted a performance improvement plan. She took a few weeks away at her doctor’s suggestion…we were literally were able to preempt some of it by quickly being proactive on the self-care.
You deserve the self-care.
Regardless, this is not just a way to hide from what you did. But it will help you make sure you are indeed OK, and that you didn’t have a chance to think clearly as you are learning from this episode and moving forward.
God bless you, hang in there, We are all rooting for you.
Megan HamiltonDecember 22,2022 at 2:10PM UTC
First of all, everyone who is feeding into your already steeped feelings of guilt should check themselves and may they never deal with the effects of stress or mental health.
Second of all, I did something similar several years back. I had the opportunity to delete an email that showed my behaviour and I decided to let it go through and deal with the consequences. I had a very understanding boss - I did not get fired and she recognized there were some communication issues within the office and that became the focus. It was a lesson in self forgiveness and in excellent leadership modeling.
Whatever happens, work toward uncovering what happened with you as well as self forgiveness. You will ever bully yourself into doing better (and speaking of bullying, ignore the comments here that feel like bullying. They’re not helpful and are reflective of those folks’ own journey.)
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 4:15PM UTC
The idea that she can't have mental health intervention AND own what she did (with consequences she can't control beyond apologizing) is wrong. It's bullying to suggest everyone else should just understand because you've been there and done it. She should forgive herself, but she should also learn from it and give herself some skills to cope. It isn't acceptable to verbally abuse the person or the character of her boss because she's stressed or troubled. Bosses and other coworkers are often in the line of fire, deserved or not. Forgiveness yes, expectation of going back to the status quo? No.
Megan HamiltonDecember 22,2022 at 10:41PM UTC
You’re reading a ton into what I said because it was 3 short paragraphs. Which is fine - but just notice where you extrapolated.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 11:37PM UTC
Excellent advice!
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 2:46PM UTC
Apologizing is a good first step, but if it feels false perhaps it's time for self-reflection.
Maybe you are a rotten person, but you can change for the better. Maybe you are struggling with mental health issues. I have depression, it can make me moody. Everyone has done or said things they regret. You are human. I do not know what else to tell you. I hope you keep your job, but either way, lessons should be learned.1. Never put in writing anything you wouldn't want the entire world to see. 2. Coworkers are not your friends. Treat them with respect but in your mind know they are in competition with you and potential adversaries.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 2:55PM UTC
My opinion is that these things happen and that most people have done it before and just never been caught. Anyone judging you or telling you to see a doctor (ridiculous) has gone too far. It's a hard lesson to learn but now you've learned coworkers are to be held at arms distance when it comes to private matters or venting. ;)
Thalia MoshosDecember 22,2022 at 3:29PM UTC
Exactly. Just vent to your friends instead.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 7:02PM UTC
Yes! Friends that do not work with you. As friendly as they can be, you can't assume that a "work friend" is a real friend. I've been backstabbed by many over the years and now separate work from my life outside it.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 3:56PM UTC
You are exactly right about that. I am amused by some of the more intensely judgmental comments here! Glad I don't work with the people who wrote them.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 3:05PM UTC
I had a relationship with a coworker that was very distressed. I started with some simple kind gestures like breaking bread. Slowly we started to repair things. In time, the relationship was repaired beyond mywildest imagination. While worst case scenario may be likely leave room for humanity to surprise you. But you have to be willing to invest for some time with unrequited returns.
IMHO. I would own up to it and show I was embarrassed / apologetic with genuine words and actions.
Focused721350December 22,2022 at 3:10PM UTC
Good Morning,
No! No! Well! Guess what! You need to put your BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND OWN UP!!!! Your going to just have to deal with the CONSEQUENCES!!! Let this be a lesson young lady!
Good Luck and God Bless, Ms.T ;)
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 6:30PM UTC
Tell me that you’re a Boomer without telling me that you’re a Boomer.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 7:01PM UTC
That's not a helpful reply. I'm not "a Boomer" and posted upthread about having this experience myself. This isn't a place for name-calling...people are posting to ask for honest advice/opinions.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 8:21PM UTC
Yes, but your flip response (eg, "big girl panties") and capricious use of capitalization and exclamation points was not a helpful reply either. This reply was completely lacking in empathy, assumed that the original poster shares your religious beliefs, and was rude, demeaning, and misogynistic ('young lady," really?). So before you fly off the handle or judge someone else, check your own reflection in the mirror.
Terri SmithDecember 22,2022 at 3:16PM UTC
You are rightfully focusing attention on yourself and asking the right questions. This isn't you and you have no idea why you said these things. You admit also that you've had a rough year and you've never behaved this way before. There's absolutely no shame in admitting that your mental health could be driving behavior that is abnormal for you. Seek guidance from a mental health provider. Short term disability might even be available to you. A mental health issue is every bit as serious as a physical issue and employers are beginning to understand this. You wouldn't ignore a broken leg, nor should you ignore a mental health problem. Wishing you all the best as you recover from this incident.
Keri BlaszczynskiDecember 22,2022 at 3:43PM UTC
This is a beautiful response. I think so many of us are dealing with the effects of mental health whether our own selves, family members, employees who report to us, coworkers/colleagues, etc. that we're watching things occur that wouldn't normally occur and dealing with situations that are a bit shocking and "out of character". The empathy shown here is exactly what is necessary for her during this time. Depression and anxiety take such a huge toll. Yes, there will be consequences and possible job loss and all of the things others here are saying in various different ways--what you have said is so gentle and supportive and exactly what she needs in this moment.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 3:19PM UTC
This is a very hard lesson to learn, but one that you must. You should never put anything in writing that you wouldn't want to see attributed to you on the front page of a newspaper. And you should also think about how you talk about people in general. Take a step back and try to act with kindness whenever you can. Be curious rather than critical. Speak up in a diplomatic way if you disagree instead of letting things fester. It sounds like you needed a fresh start anyways, so here's your opportunity to pick yourself up, learn from this, and then do better next time. I wish you luck, because your remorse and introspection show that you can move past this and get on to better things.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 3:28PM UTC
Oh you're screwed. Might want to start looking for a new job. Or hopefully your manager will be forgiving.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 3:47PM UTC
No, actually these things don’t ‘just’ happen. This was a professional adult that made the conscious choice to disparage their supervisor in a public forum. I’m absolutely shocked by these comments and the ease at which so many on this board are dismissive of this behavior.
if these comments were launched at one of us on this board, someone would be on the phone to the Attorney General.
it’s about time for someone to state the obvious: the OP got caught with her pants down and is now facing consequences. Time to own their behavior and take these lumps.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 4:50PM UTC
If you look at all of the ugly comments and insults made on social media every single day (including this very site), it really comes as no surprise to me that this happened. We live in a culture that allows people to write horrible things about each other while hiding behind their screen. I’m not excusing it. But it absolutely does just happen. Most people never have to face any consequences. I see it as a blessing that this person got caught because they can use it as an opportunity for reflection and to do better.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 4:10PM UTC
I hope you don't lose your job. I didn't read every one of the comments here, but I was a little surprised to see that among the ones I did read, not a single person mentioned the "whistleblower," who might also go by less flattering names. If you weren't making death threats, I hardly see that individual as being somehow more worthy than you for getting you in trouble in a way that actually hurt the supervisor by showing him what he otherwise would not have even known existed. It seems notable to me that you were in WhatsApp, which many use with the expectation that their comments will disappear soon. Someone made sure yours didn't. Why do we see that as acceptable? I'm assuming there were no violent threats.
Jennifer AndersonDecember 22,2022 at 5:53PM UTC
I completely hear what you are saying about the whistleblower (WB) but I respectfully disagree. The boss might not have known they existed but they did damage to his reputation and to his ability to get his job done from everyone who read the post. Free speech is a right and the OP had the right to post what was posted BUT the OP must take responsibility for any repercussions from the post. I feel that many in today's society feel that Free Speech means saying what I want with no repercussions. Actions, whether physical or verbal, have consequences. One of those is that someone sees the post and thinks that the Boss should know. They may have been doing it to be helpful, or to be a peace disturber. The WB will have consequences for their actions too - either positive, negative, or both.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 4:57PM UTC
If you think he didn't deserve it then why is your apology fake? I had a boss and fellow employees slander me. What was their purpose in slandering your boss? Why would you add to it? You need to ask yourself these questions. Were they trying to get him fired? Perhaps by asking yourself these difficult questions you might muster up a genuine apology and learn about yourself so you stop.
Rebecca Van HoutDecember 22,2022 at 5:03PM UTC
All you can do now is learn from the experience and make sure you never do something like this again. Apologize in person, be accountable for what you said and understand you have likely lost your job over behaving in a way that you never want to repeat. Also some introspection with a therapist might be helpful in unraveling why you made the comments as something clearly is underlying why you made the comments in the first place so figuring out what triggered that may be helpful in not having that happen in the future.
Crystal HowellDecember 22,2022 at 5:04PM UTC
Contact your employee hotline and ask for a counselor, apparently, something is going on out of your control. Good Luck
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 6:03PM UTC
Go to the doctor and tell him/her what’s been happening with you. You may a mental health issue. At the age of 55 I discovered I have ADD. Treatment helped right away. I always knew I was “off” compared to my colleagues.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 6:20PM UTC
This is difficult to remedy. First, in this day and age, realize any form of social media can be used against you for termination from a job. You learned a tough lesson that your colleague(s) are not trustworthy in the sense of personal conversation. Take caution when speaking in general around them if you still have a job after of all this. The atmosphere in the office will be different cuz everyone will know what happened and might treat you differently. If you're still employed by the company after this, don't bring it up. You don't know who the whistleblower(s) are. This could be a start of a check list to use against you. Learn to filter yourself around your colleagues and keep us updated on what happened to you.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 6:54PM UTC
This is why I don't friend co-workers on social media and put NOTHING in text or email. Co-workers ARE NOT your friends...unless you were friends before you worked together. You have to assume, even in the friendliest company, that someone, somewhere will repeat what you said. And it can happen under the most innocuous circumstances, too. NO text and NO email is safe! I had something like this happen a few years ago at my current job. I was hired to replace someone who had been with the company for decades and I sensed I was not told everything about the job before I took it. I love the company and the job...but I developed a problem with a coworker on my team. The gossip was that she had wanted to be considered for my job and was very resentful when they hired me from outside. After 6 months of back-biting and underhanded games from this woman, I had reached my limit. My predecessor (who retired) said that if I had any questions later, to reach out to him. Which I did. I texted him to ask why I wasn't told that this woman might be a potential obstacle. It would have been nice to know that she had resentments when I took the job -- that way I could decide whether or not I wanted the job or could plan to deal with her proactively. He didn't answer my text BUT a week or so later, I had my current manager ask me out of the blue, "I hear you are not happy with the job." I said, "Oh? In what respect?" He stated that he was forwarded a text from my predecessor and said, "He's retired and isn't a part of the company anymore...I don't know why you would do that." I stated that I was simply asking why I wasn't better informed. Long story short....I told my manager that since this woman had been a long-standing "elephant in the room," that he needed to deal with it. She had been protected by upper management and had been allowed to act that way...for 15+ years. My predecessor had been her boss and likewise avoided dealing with her. I told the present manager that maybe he needed to coach her on her behavior at work and particularly towards me...because she would be a problem to anyone they hired for my spot. That didn't have any negative ramifications for me that I know of (it happened 3 years ago and I am still with the same company/group). My predecessor still comes to company functions and I avoid him because of what he did. I wanted to think that what I said would be "in coinfidence," but I violated my own rule about who to trust. It was a valuable lesson for me. Treat your situation as such.
Rocky ZDecember 22,2022 at 7:38PM UTC
Consider this a lesson learned and move on
Kari ParkerDecember 22,2022 at 8:33PM UTC
Say everything you just said and hope for the best?
Ruth RobbinsDecember 22,2022 at 9:04PM UTC
Think for yourself and don't get swept up by peer pressure. Loose lips sink ships.
Yai VargasDecember 22,2022 at 9:29PM UTC
FIRST, seek therapy ASAP! Next, apologize as I am sure you have to everyone involved and tell them you're seeking help.
Liz MilneDecember 22,2022 at 10:52PM UTC
Own it. Admit you did it, say there is no basis in what you said, you were just venting and didn't think for one moment that anyone would pass your words on to the boss, then reiterate your apology once again. And then, if you do get a warning or similar and keep your job, a) be prepared for him to be very cool with you and b) don't ever fall into the same error again.
If you do lose your job, thank them, apologise once more, and behave with a bit more circumspection in your new job...
Don't try and wriggle out of the blame or point the finger at anyone else either: you're already tainted to anyone who knows about it, and landing others in the poop alongside you is just ... even more ick. I'd forgive someone chatting sh*t about me more readily than I would them saying '[Someone else] was doing it too...'
CosmosMomDecember 22,2022 at 11:09PM UTC
Say exactly what you just said.
AnonymousDecember 23,2022 at 1:45AM UTC
Outside of work hours, what you say is no ones business. The whistle blower should be reprimanded. If it was sent through company email, then they have a case. Im pissed you are going through this.
AnonymousDecember 23,2022 at 5:06PM UTC
Pissed that someone is facing consequences for self-admitted bad behavior? What am I missing here...help this make sense?!
AnonymousDecember 23,2022 at 1:56AM UTC
You could take full ownership of your actions and say: I gossip on a private WhatsApp channel with my coworkers because we all think you’re an asshole.
Gossiping is fun and it creates a bond between a bunch of disgruntled colleagues. I called you awful names behind your back, instead of coming to you directly with my complaints, because I never thought we’d get caught. Unfortunately here we are. Since I’m an adult I take 100% responsibility for my behavior and understand there will likely be consequences. Regardless of the outcome, this will be an inflection point for me so I don’t repeat this behavior again and get caught doing it. Let’s talk about next steps.
Risk Eng0562December 23,2022 at 2:40AM UTC
Have you considered how your mental health is, spiraling performance and erratic behavior can be symptoms of deeper problems such as depression,
Ida McCartyDecember 23,2022 at 3:45AM UTC
Take ownership, and ask for assistance if there is a EAP program. Stress management is covered, and will prevent your job from ending.
AnonymousDecember 23,2022 at 6:54AM UTC
I hope you are ok and hanging in there. We all make mistakes and unfortunately some have harsh consequences. While what you did was risky, I’ve had MANY colleagues in different jobs over the years talk trash about their bosses in writing—without any consequences. If this truly was out of character for you and the first time you ever did anything like that, then I’m truly sorry you’ve experienced such a harsh consequence. There’s a great quote I love—“every human being is better than the worst thing they have ever done”. You are better than this one mistake and you will get past this. I’m rooting for you. God bless you and good luck!
Nicolle Joy WilfengerDecember 23,2022 at 12:13PM UTC
If you work together rather than remotely, I would set up a meeting with him to explain as best as you can and avoid these types of things in the future with people.
It is difficult to trust coworkers. A lot of backstabbing goes on in the workplace. I think it is worse than high school a lot of times. I can see why you may lose your job (team player cr@p) but honestly a lot of people get frustrated and bad mouth their bosses and it is common for coworkers to vent. By now, anyone in business should recognize that as well. However, if there was any mention of violence toward him then it probably won't end up in your favor.
AnonymousDecember 23,2022 at 1:48PM UTC
you said what you said in the heat of the moment. Yet, it was what came as second nature at the time. Now is not the time to backpeddle when your job is at risk - the time to backpeddle was to excuse yourself from a conversation that shouldnt have happened in the first place. I am a bit more tough love here... unfortunately if you face the consequences I think you need to own it and mark it as lesson learned... if you just get slapped with a warning I hope you will honestly take into consideration not to speak ill about anyone who isnt present in the conversation. I have had my share of crap bosses, the best I can recommend is to journal for yourself what your strategy has been - whats working, whats not and what you are learning from it. I agree with the comment that work can be like highschool - in some corporate spaces high school prepares you for the big leagues. I have learned that transparency, honesty, brining your true self to work and owning your mistakes speak volumes
DeBorah WalkerDecember 23,2022 at 2:23PM UTC
Come on give yourself more credit than that. You must know why you said those things; it can't just have been In the Heat of the Moment type of behavior. You said your manager has been nothing but good to you but this manager must have done something or made a decision that didn't include you something, that got to you... realistically, how can you Salvage this you said sorry and it sounds false; you have to be able to explain it more in depth and be forethright, if at this point you're going to be able to come out of this with some esteem. Don't give up on yourself though, you can always get another job no matter how bad things are they never remain the same. Circumstances always change time will always move on.
AnonymousDecember 23,2022 at 10:02PM UTC
My question is would you feel the same, if you hadn’t got caught? We all have a choice, something must have been going on internally to cause you to feel the way. If you are saying your own apology feels false, you really need to check yourself and do some internal assessment.
Bradford McCormickDecember 24,2022 at 4:42AM UTC
OK. Just give him what you wrote here. This says it all. My only question ius whether that "whistleblower" is really a tattlletale. Whistleblowers report malfeasance, not gossip. You were foolish: There is no such thing as a "secret... group with other employees", at leadt outside a union.
Question everything, including what I write here. And advice is cheap. If it was me I would hand my boss exactly your posting here, and ask he if he could work with me to improve the situation for the good of all despite my having been foolish.
I do not hear that you did anything to materially harm your employer. That is important. We are dealing her with words not acts. And as far as apologis are concrned, the two most useless words in the English language are "I'm sorry". What is constructive is to sincerely say: "W will do better going dforward." Since you did not do anything which caused material harm to the company you do not owe reparations.
If I was your manager, after reading the above document, I think Iwould give it a try to improe things, in part becaue I would se this as a challenge for me toprove myself worthy of being a manager.
mcasterlloydFebruary 1,2023 at 8:29PM UTC
This is definitely a learning experience. If you need to vent about a manager, it's best to never put it in writing. We all make mistakes and you can't undo it, but learn from it. Every now and then, we all need an attitude adjustment. Try to think of what you should be thankful for at work instead of focusing on the bad vibes.