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Anonymous
07/09/20 at 2PM UTC
in
Career

I've always felt like a wallflower. How do I gain confidence?

I struggled to figure out what category to put this post in because this is a problem that seeps into all aspects of my life. Yet my confidence issues have definitely hurt me significantly at work. I don't assert myself. I'm a follower. I offer to help out but my voice is never heard. This problem has persisted my entire career, but I was just passed over for a promotion I deserved — and I feel now more than ever it's time for me to do something about it. How do you empower yourself (and others!) at work? In your everyday life? I know this is a long process but I'd love to take the first step toward more confidence.

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Janice Enoch
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81
Associate Director
07/16/20 at 5:01PM UTC
My advice is to work on changing your mindset. I believe in practicing daily positive affirmations to remind yourself that you can do anything! I suggest working on silencing the inner critic and changing your negative thoughts to positive thoughts which will ultimately boost your confidence. Lastly, my advice is to "do it afraid". The more you step out of your comfort zone the easier it will be to assert yourself, command attention and develop belief in your own abilities.
Suzanne Taylor
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92
Career Consultant // Higher Ed Expert
07/15/20 at 4:26AM UTC
I can totally relate! As a former wallflower coming out of her shell, there were 2 strategies that helped me: 1) Actively pay attention to what others do that you appreciate or admire. Maybe it’s a colleague who proactively offers an idea in a meeting or an acquaintance that offers to go out for drinks for the first time. Chances are, others will welcome you to actively contribute to work/relationships too. 2) Practice! Pick some “low stakes” opportunities to do or say something you normally wouldn’t. Strike up a conversation with a stranger or brag about work accomplishments with a friend. Eventually, the discomfort will get more comfortable. Good luck!
Chre M. Davis, M.S.Ed.
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1.04k
Administrator | Educator | Intrapreneur
07/15/20 at 12:15PM UTC
I couldn't agree more, Suzanne! Practicing self-awareness and putting yourself out there are tactics that over time helped me to overcome shrinking away from social situations. Learning to love your own awkwardness is also a great way to get out of your own head about it and just be present with others. It takes time, but I am finally feeling myself and enjoying myself (and others!) at this new stage in my life.
Helen Hanison
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436
Helen Hanison's Leadership Coaching
07/14/20 at 6:08PM UTC
https://mailchi.mp/59b704ad51a6/rewinding-your-narrative
Helen Hanison
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436
Helen Hanison's Leadership Coaching
07/14/20 at 6:06PM UTC
I agree with you. It’s time to act when you feel this level of recognition of the cost it comes at to keep things as they are. So this readiness is an important step in itself. I also agree with others who have said this - your next steps are around building self-expertise now you’ve brought this Issue of not speaking up to the surface. Now I have a framework that I use with my clients whenever we need to unpack some pattern between an entrenched pattern thinking and their actions. It gives them the tools they need to pivot to a new narrative and different actions - so achieving new results, the ones they actually want. I’m most happy to share but struggling to find a way to put it here. I’ll try that in a separate comment but let me say this - please be in touch to ash how to tend your narrative. We’ll get it over to you so you can get going on disrupting your old story. Keep in touch. Warmly Helen
Aly Brine
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1.59k
Helping Corporate Hippies thrive on LinkedIn!
07/09/20 at 5:43PM UTC
The fact that you're self-aware enough to recognize this pattern in yourself and your experiences says a lot about your strength as an individual! As mentioned above, there are tons of resources available on the topic but I'd also encourage you to start doing more self-reflection work. Starting to ask yourself questions like why did I handle that situation that way? How did that make me feel? How do I actually want to feel? And see what answers show up for you.
Kelli
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1.46k
Helps senior-level women make career changes
07/15/20 at 2:16PM UTC
I agree with Aly - being that self-aware is the perfect first step. Continue self-discovery work and try to dig deep to get to the root of WHY you're not confident.
Nicole Lauber
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132
Project Director
07/09/20 at 5:31PM UTC
I know there's a stigma with self-help books, but they're a great starting point in developing your confidence! "You are a Badass" by Jen Sincero and "Everything is Figureoutable" by Marie Forleo both have very simplistic-yet-powerful language and actionable steps to become the person you want to be. Marie Forleo has a ton of free content as well if you want to check her out before spending money. I'm not part of her team or anything, just a big fan! www.marieforleo.com

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