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Am I overwhelmed with mom guilt and overthinking things?
My husband has a son he shares with another woman and we share a daughter.
Lately, I've been noticing that he favors his son more than our daughter. His son goes to his mother's house Friday-Monday and when he's away, I feel like my husband is not mentally and physically with us. He doesn't take advantage of these days to spend time with our daughter. Because my stepson and daughter didn't spend as much time together before the pandemic, they're very possessive with their father.
My gut feeling is telling me that because his son doesn't spend as much time with us, he tries to steer his attention to his son more than to my daughter.
Last night, I heard my daughter crying after my husband walked out of the room. I asked her what was wrong and she said that her dad didn't kiss her goodnight... this isn't the first time he did this. I know that he was upset with the kids last night because they were misbehaving, but I know he said goodnight to his son before he walked out of the room because when I walked out after putting my daughter down I saw him on his bed caressing him to bed.
Am I overthinking on the fact that he favors his son more? My husband works during the day and I know he's already stressed from work to want to just relax when he gets home. But we're parents and as much as we want to, we'd be lucky to get ANY alone time to relax.
Renee Jackman
Economic and Data Analysis | Infrastructure
90
09/01/20 at 3:51PM UTC
I would recommend reading crucial conversations. It can seem difficult to know where to start with these conversations and this book taught me how to prepare. It’s focused on ways to communicate without the other person getting defensive and shutting down. If you have someone in your life that knows your husband well that you can use to test out what you developed they may be able to provide feedback to increase your likelihood of success. Yes you need to teach your daughter to be assertive but this may be a great opportunity to work on an underlying issue that maybe no one is consciously aware of.
User deleted comment on 08/26/20 at 5:25PM UTC
Melissa NobileHandbell Choir Director
1.05k
08/26/20 at 5:11PM UTC
You need to sit down and have a very frank, but kind, discussion with your husband. Little girls need to know that their daddy loves them even when they are naughty. Her perception is her reality. He needs to understand that. As she gets older, he is going to want her to call him if she is ever in trouble... that won’t happen if she doesn’t believe he loves her. He needs to build that relationship now. Be positive. Remind him that he is a very good dad, but your daughter needs his time, too.
Also, you need to help your daughter to be assertive. If she wants a kiss goodnight from Dad, she needs to remind him. “Daddy, you forgot to kiss me. I need my kiss.” If he balks, your job is to get him to get his bum back in there and give her a kiss. Girls tend to be closer to Mom, but they need Dad, too!
The children need to learn that life isn’t a competition for Dad’s attention. That their dad loves them both. He needs to start to pay attention and see what is really going on. I’m sure he isn’t going to want to hear any of this, but he needs to hear it, think on it, and fix it.
Anonymous
08/26/20 at 5:26PM UTC
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for your response. My husband is stubborn so you may be right when you say that he isn't going to want to hear any of this. I know that I called him out on punishing my daughter, but not his son when they were both involved in the wrongdoing. And he basically told me that I'm being biased with the way he does things because "he's not your son".
I think from all the possibilities, I can only teach my daughter to be assertive. Thank you!
Melissa NobileHandbell Choir Director
1.05k
08/26/20 at 5:40PM UTC
You might give him some ideas about how to spend time with each of them and both of them. For example: he can take your daughter with him on an errand one day and his son another. He can play a game with both of them. Or he might cook dinner with one of them and prepare dessert with the other. He might do chores around the house with both or one of them.
Good luck!
Anonymous
08/26/20 at 5:52PM UTC
Great idea, thank you Melissa!
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