I just participated in the Season of Sharing at Fairygodboss!

15 Comments

1. Lorna Rose, J.D., M.S.November 2,2021 at 2:09PM UTC

   If it makes you feel better, this isn't a you thing. America is a capitalist society and one of the consequences of that is defining who you are based on what you're capable of producing. I suffered from a very debilitating identity crisis when I left my previous industry because of how attached I was to that career being the most valuable part of who I am. I'm still in recovery from this mindset today!

   I'm a list-maker, so one thing that helped me begin to transition to a new professional identity was to write down all the things I loved doing in my previous jobs. I tried not to take anything environmental into consideration and keep this list focused solely on the skills, duties, responsibilities, etc. that I performed to see where I felt my greatest strengths are. Then I did another list where I wrote down the environmental aspects that I loved about each job (and I did also note a few things that were absolute would-never-want-to-do-again items) - remote work vs. in-office, level of interaction with superiors, company politics, etc. Having these two data sets helped me physically see what made me feel the most empowered as a professional and gave me guidance as to where to go from there. Most importantly, though, it illustrated that it's not my job that makes me great but what I'M able to bring to each job. You're a person before you're an employee!

2. AnonymousNovember 2,2021 at 6:42PM UTC

   OP here. Thank you for sharing this. I did feel like I was somehow "alone" but your comments make me realize this really is a kind of capitalist culture that makes it more true. Thank you; reading this made me feel so much better. And it helps me to hear that you have gone through something that felt like an "identity crisis".

3. Kelly MiholicNovember 2,2021 at 2:09PM UTC

   Without knowing anymore than what you have written above, this may not actually be a problem. Do you feel imbalanced? Perhaps you find it difficult to separate yourself from you work because you chose a career that is what you are all about.
   Whatever you have going on that has caused this introspection, pay attention to it. Take time to focus on the things in the back of your mind and see if "leaving work at work" is really what you should do, for you.
   We often speak of a "work/life balance" but I have recently been made aware of "work/life integration". The latter allows for the notion that this is not a 50/50 proposition. Maybe we have careers in areas that flow within the lifestyle we have.
   A lot of the advice to give would depend on many details that are not here, however, I can tell you, do not suppress these events/issues that have you wondering if you should take some time off. And try to not deal with those issues/personal events with a "work first" mentality. Look at those event for what they are if you worked at the mall. then see how your career mindset impacts that perspective and go from there.

4. AnonymousNovember 2,2021 at 2:20PM UTC

   An age-old question that is made extra difficult when we like our jobs! I think the best place to start is by finding things outside of your work that make you feel happy and give you joy. Maybe it's something as simple as going for a long walk in the park or a hobby like painting. And if you don't know what makes you happy outside of work it's time to start finding that in your off-hours. When work becomes our identity it's often because we don't have anything else in our lives but our work. Or if we do, the only thing we talk about is work so that just becomes our personalities. By looking to other areas of your life for fulfillment you may find that you feel more yourself and are less reliant on your work (without having to leave a job you clearly like). Then when the time is right and you need to leave, you won't be at such a loss.

5. AnonymousNovember 2,2021 at 3:14PM UTC

   I went through a very similar existential crisis in my last role as well. I was 1000% dedicated to my job, it defined me and was the foundation of my sense of fulfillment. What I didn't see until COVID happened was how much of my personal life I had sacrificed for this role. I had given up time with my kids, my husband, my friends, my health and wellbeing, and ultimately, the things that really should have been bringing me true fulfillment and joy. I started feeling restless and discontent. So, I changed jobs.

   I'll be honest, I'm still having a bit of an identity crisis in this new role. I find it hard to really care as much about this job and even almost a year later I don't feel incredibly connected to my coworkers like I did before. I'm working hard, but it just doesn't bring me the same sense of satisfaction anymore, and I think that's ok. I'm working on finding that elsewhere now. Now, I'm trying to focus more on my family and friends, my health, even find some new hobbies.

   Not necessarily the most helpful advice, but I'd definitely say that if you're having trouble extracting your identity from your role, maybe take a step back and see if there's other things that you can add to your life that will bring you similar sense of contentment. One thing that I realized along the way is that this dedication to your job is a one way street. The company's loyalty is to the business, and they'll have no problem moving on without you which would leave you in a really horrible place emotionally. Better to extract yourself on your own terms rather than theirs.

6. Rene LetendreNovember 23,2021 at 4:01PM UTC

   Your story = my story! It is so good to identify with people who have a similar experience--and know that I am not alone. Thanks for posting!

7. Rene LetendreNovember 2,2021 at 3:18PM UTC

   Wow. Just: wow. Yes, yes, yes to this question! I am totally with you on wondering how to separate what I DO from who I AM. It is really challenging.

   I am looking forward to reading the responses. For me, I ended up leaving a company (a manager's role that was set up for failure/undersupported and too overwhelming for me to continue doing) into a new field of professional practice/development. It is uncomfortable to not be an expert, or have deep contextual knowledge of processes and leadership insight--but it is good to redefine what makes me ME. Each day I am focusing on building skills, building relationships and my network, and finding purpose in things OUTSIDE of professional work. I'm doing volunteer stuff on the side (in my original area of expertise), which is very rewarding.

8. LauraNovember 2,2021 at 3:23PM UTC

   I've found that listening to both Brene' Brown's books and Pema Chodron's teachings on audio has helped me be more present with my thoughts, and begin to get a sense of who I am outside of my role in the workplace. We're often asked what we do rather than who we are, and both of these people have helped me.

9. Marguerite Thibodeaux, Leadership & Career CoachNovember 2,2021 at 7:44PM UTC

   What a universal question! Knowing myself, separate from what I do, has been a multi-year journey for me.

   To get to know yourself, I recommend a few different things that have worked for me:
   - self assessments like VIA Character Strengths can help you better understand about your natural strengths/talent
   - ask people close to you how they would describe you
   - reflect on what you do and don't enjoy, what excites you, what you avoid, what you need to be happy
   - work with a pro, like a mentor or coach, to do some serious digging

   Any of these four will help you start to see yourself more clearly outside of your job title.

   For most of us, work is a big part of how we spend our time and contribute to the world. At its best, it's an expression of who we are, but it's never all of who we are.

10. Jackie GhedineNovember 2,2021 at 8:32PM UTC

    Here's how I like to have my clients visualize this question. Your work should be a hat you wear instead of a mask hiding your identity.

    You should absolutely be proud of what you've accomplished in your career. It is what you do, not the person you are.

    Take time to reconnect with yourself by getting back in touch with your core values, what you enjoy doing in your spare time and truly owning your worth from the inside instead of external validation.

    When I left corporate America I felt lost not having a 'title' attached to my identity. It took a couple of months of digging into myself to really recognize who was under the mask.

11. KathyNovember 2,2021 at 8:40PM UTC

    Part One: Whole Self: Two very different quotes have helped me bring my whole self to work: "Wherever you go, there you are" and "Read the Room" I love so much of the work I have done and my best work is when all of me is on board. It takes practice but it is based in self compassion. The difference? I used to fight with myself about parts of myself and try to hide or bury them. That takes far more energy and is ultimately self destructive.

    I think the questions that have surfaced for you recently are natural and are good chance for you to take a look and see what you think. There might be other possibilities for you among which is the possibility you might come back to being just fine with where you are. Sometimes loss creates space for something new to emerge. Thank you for sharing your question!

12. aspoonmoreNovember 2,2021 at 10:54PM UTC

    So many gems in this line of comments!

    First - it's great that you recognize where you are, and that you have melded your identity into your job title/ career. Some don't recognize this (like me) and can be hit out of the blue when events disrupt the alignment.

    Second - Great analogy of "your job/ accomplishments are a hat you wear, not the core of your being" - you can translate all of the great work/ expertise into other jobs/ careers/ volunteer positions/ hobbies/ etc.

    Third - take stock of the lists suggested - what are the roles/ tasks/ responsibilities you love and do well, and what are the environmental factors that support your best work. Look for these elements in work, volunteering, hobbies, etc.

    Good luck - you can get through this (it took me 6 months!)

13. Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterNovember 3,2021 at 1:47PM UTC

    I have been asking myself a slightly different question: Am I satisfied with the non-work aspects of my life? I'm okay with defining myself as a Master Resume Writer and career coach - as long as I am ALSO defining myself as a friend, an engaged citizen, a person with varied interests, etc.

    The short answer, a few months ago when I started this process, was NO. I have picked two non-work areas to focus on through the end of the year (social and personal development, in case you were wondering) and have already made great strides in my satisfaction level with those areas of my life.

14. Melissa NobileNovember 4,2021 at 12:36PM UTC

    You just stated that you realized that you and your career choice are one in the same. Then you asked if you should find a new job.
    How about you keep the job you have and find other things to do outside the office. Take a pottery class. Go out with friends. Go volunteer at church or at your library. Do things that aren’t linked with your job.

15. TaraNovember 7,2021 at 9:56PM UTC

    This is an important question to ask yourself! When I was feeling similar, I took it as a sign to focus on my life outside of work - find a community to connect with (for me it was at a gym), I started visiting the library regularly, and spent more time outside. It helped a lot with my quality of life at work and apart from it.