Coworker won't take feedback...at all

23 Comments

1. AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 3:23PM UTC

   She’s a “reverse” bully. Don’t let her win!!! Stand your ground together and document , document, document.

2. AnonymousApril 29,2023 at 7:38PM UTC

   This is seriously the reaction here? Mmm.

3. AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 3:30PM UTC

   At some level the manager is responsible for the final work product and once enough stuff goes wrong, she'll have to answer for it.

   Can you go above your manager? That's not my first go-to, but you've done the right thing by bringing it to your boss and nothing changed, so it's in the company's best interest to know why the work is not correct.

4. AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 3:35PM UTC

   Give her space. You are not her manager and her manager is obviously not bothered by the work style.

   Unfortunately, she is not at all open to direction so figure out a way to leave her on her on as much as possible and let her failings catch up to her. Put all errors in emails and share them in team meetings.

   Ignoring her is so unprofessional and unproductive so let's not go there.

5. AnonymousApril 28,2023 at 4:06PM UTC

   is She the office scapegoat?

6. Cara HouserApril 28,2023 at 3:37PM UTC

   Maybe try a whole new approach as an experiment. She sounds insecure, stressed, and thus super defensive and has a hard time hearing feedback (maybe communicating in general).

   See if she's open to taking a little walk mid-day as a break (if you work in the same location) and ask simple questions like: "how's your week going," "what's on your mind," "what would help you most right now at work." If you don't work physically together, maybe try a 1:1 phone call.

   The idea is to get her into a more relaxed + conversational and less adversarial place so you can exchange ideas more productively and see if you can get to the root of what's going on.

7. Kristin BurnsApril 28,2023 at 6:15PM UTC

   Let your manager handle it. Document the work you are doing and stop trying to fix the coworker who does not want input. It's not ignoring, it's letting people own their roles.

8. AnonymousApril 29,2023 at 11:26AM UTC

   Co-worker feedback is a tenuous situation. How you think you're coming off seems in a professional manner it's their perception that matters here. You will first need to figure HOW they work and perhaps the whys behind their work. They don't report to you but you feel it's a reflection of your work too, I get it. Let the manager do their job. Make sure there's an email trail for reaching out for support in getting your co-worker where you feel they need to improve upon. Keep out the "I's" and talk project needs and processes. Being professional and focusing on the business and not pointing fingers will serve you well.

9. John HerndonApril 30,2023 at 1:06PM UTC

   Ignore her contribution, exclude her from meetings unless absolutely necessary. The results should vindicate your actions as long as improvement is noticeable.Your boss sounds like a coward who refuses to take responsibility and manage the people in her department. Do not fall into the trap of managing for her.The passive aggressive approach might work better in this case.

10. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 5:38PM UTC

    John you sound like a bully. This may not be your tribe here

11. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 1:33PM UTC

    This is a curious situation. Maybe you and your coworkers are misreading the situation? I don't know, but experience has a lot to do with how people approach their work. Trivial issues you may have with the way work gets done might just mean you have different styles. Your coworkers's style might not work for you but it works for them. How do you take feedback? Kind of sounds like you all might be immature.

    Does this person have any value to add at all? Obviously the manager thinks they do.

    Are all of you perfect? Do you never make mistakes?

    Is your work product insightful, thoughtful and without error? Probably not.

    Think about what you want your colleague to change and exactly how critical it is to change.

    Sometimes listening to them and changing your tone, which might seem rude, is a good idea.

    A rude approach often begets defensive retorts.

    If this person is far senior to you, maybe it is you who needs to learn from them.

    If it is trivial then you need another approach. Trivial includes things that you might think are the "right" way to do something but there are typically more ways than yours.

    Each method has a madness behind it.

    Ask the co-worker why they do what they do. Their answer might surprise you.

12. Mary PoolApril 30,2023 at 1:54PM UTC

    In my experience, people who double down like this do so because they don’t feel valued or heard. Have you and others in the department treated this person with compassion and respect? If not, then start doing so. You cannot change how they react, but you can change your reactions to them. Next time you want to give feedback, give it in a meeting with the manager present. Present your way of doing things neutrally and then reach a consensus. Always remember that there is more than one right or effective way to do something. Let it be if her way works for her and the product. One more question, are you and the rest of the workgroup members a click with her as the outsider? Something to consider. Sometimes we evolve into a click without even realizing it.

13. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 5:36PM UTC

    Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Is this a Click situation and the team has all come together against this person making her an outsider. If she feels like this, of course she’s going to be super defensive and double down if she feels she’s working hard. People don’t have to all do things the same exact way to arrive at good results. If the manager values her work and it’s just this clicky team that doesn’t like her I think you should all maybe do some self reflection. Imagine everyone you work with criticizing your work daily, how would you react? Hopefully looking at the situation from a different lens will help you come up with a way to give this coworker more grace and maybe the outcome is overall better product outcome.

14. AnonymousMay 1,2023 at 1:42AM UTC

    I was reading your reply and the one above, trying to figure out what you were talking about. Until I finally got it.

    For the record, it is "clique", not "click". Clique is a small, close-knit group of people. Click is what you do with a mouse. And the words are pronounced differently too.

    Hopefully this clears up any confusion others may be experiencing on this thread.

15. Sarah BordersApril 30,2023 at 2:10PM UTC

    Try a different approach. If your manager thinks this person’s working style is the wedge, maybe try working with her 1-on-1 to observe how she gets things done. That way, rather than offering feedback after the fact, you can ask questions as you go.

    If she’s given the opportunity to justify her approach first, and you still think it’s wrong (and can cite reasons why), then you can always come back with statements like, “I tried it this way once, and here’s why it didn’t work….” She might still defend her approach, but she should be less defensive because you took the time to understand it.

    Without knowing more about the “factually wrong” way she’s doing her part, that’s the best advice I can give.

16. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 4:40PM UTC

    She sounds like someone who wants to be listened to so perhaps finding a better way to hear her out and then as a team offer up some suggestions in writing with options and let her choose the one that is most effective. This may not be a perfect solution but if management is unwilling to help the only other option if there is one is HR and/or leaving the team/company. Not everyone is willing to take feedback from their peers as they may feel threatened.

17. AnonymousApril 30,2023 at 4:53PM UTC

    Sometimes you just have to let stuff break. Make sure that the stuff with mistakes is the person's sole responsibility and let them take accountability for the mistakes.

18. Liz MilneApril 30,2023 at 11:42PM UTC

    If the feedback is about work, your manager should absolutely get involved and say, "[Bad colleague], [OP] is the expert when it comes to [whatever]. Do it her way." Yes, the bad colleague is bad, but the problem is your manager, it seems to me?

19. AnonymousMay 1,2023 at 1:10AM UTC

    I worked with a similar person I referred to as the "ASK-HOLE." She'd ask if things were accurate from facts to grammar, and then insist she was right when she wasn't. Then she'd put inaccurate things on the company website. She was extremely emotional and exhausting. People definitely went out of their way to avoid her. I tried to help her several times, even asking her if she liked working there, because she wasn't helping herself. She was ultimately let go to no one's surprise.

20. AnonymousMay 1,2023 at 1:33AM UTC

    Some people have invisible disabilities and obstacles that they do not disclose or sometimes even realize are present. I have been that person. Due to my disability and mental processes, when I would do something incorrectly, I attempted to explain what my reasoning was for how I did something. In my mind, it was for gaining their understanding and clarity of how I think with the hope of getting the others to help me logic out situations the way I should in that position instead of the way I had that resulted in the mistake. To the manager or coworker, they only saw a person making excuses or attempting to justify a mistake.

21. AnonymousMay 1,2023 at 11:33AM UTC

    I agree with those who have suggested both taking breaks with her to see if you can get her to open up/relax a bit, and those who suggest documenting everything. It really depends on if you want to be a helper, or if you need to protect yourself (or both...you can document without calling out publicly).

    I will say that I was that person 20-some years ago. I was raised in a household where perfection was expected and if you failed you received emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Anything less than perfection was not an option and I would literally be in tears if I made a mistake. It took years of retraining myself and ultimately a cancer diagnosis for me to realize that I was the only one expecting perfection from myself.

22. AnonymousMay 1,2023 at 4:37PM UTC

    I don’t like the idea of firing people, but if she’s that obstinate, that might be a viable solution.

23. AnonymousMay 3,2023 at 12:47PM UTC

    Ignoring a difficult colleague is not the solution - It is called exclusion and is a form of bullying. Discussion and documentation is the way. Document the facts and present them to her. If she wont accept the facts get your boss to intervene based on the facts. If your manager wont intervene even after you explain the impact it is having on the work of the team and your health take the facts to their boss or HR. Don't involve other members of the team - that is collusion, which is also bullying.