Managing difficult employees

Anonymous

December 14,2022 at 11:06PM UTC

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Managing difficult employees

I have one employee in particular who is very opinionated, talks about others, can be negative, and is sometimes harsh to others. I have never been good at confrontation and lack confidence in managing.

I am technically not a new manager anymore. However, I still feel like I don't know what I am doing. I took over managing a department in the midst of COVID in 2020. When I started in January 2018, I was just a clerk. I moved up in positions in the fall of 2018 and again in 2019. Then in the fall of 2020, our manager quit, and I was asked to do that job and continue to do my other job. We lost some other staff, and one of those positions also required me to do it. So as a new manager, I was doing three people's jobs. Plus, I have also been working on a graduate degree. Needless to say, I wasn't doing any of them well.

I feel that my inexperience and the whirlwind in which I took over has not set me up for success. Especially with this employee. This employee was once above me in the chain, and they are older than me so I feel a bit like I am dealing with a parent, which I also don't do well when it comes to talking about problems. Confronting them on their behavior is a difficult task for me.

Does anyone have any advice on building my confidence as a manager and learning to deal with confrontations and difficult employees? Especially employees that were once higher up than you.

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AnonymousDecember 15,2022 at 4:10AM UTC
It sounds like you’ve done very well and advanced rapidly over the past four years. Congratulations! Take your successful track record as validation of your management capabilities. You have earned the position you now hold— let that give you confidence.
Has your employee always been so difficult, or is the poor behavior a product of their lack of recent advancement in the company? Consider the possibility that your employee feels insecure or unappreciated and is displacing their frustration onto others.
With respect to the age/experience differential that you mention: if your employee offers experience and perspectives that are helpful to you, draw on these. If your colleague feels valued, they may be more cooperative and helpful to others.
It is reasonable for you to develop and uphold a positive workplace culture and to expect that employees will do the same. Is there a positive way in which you can convey this to your employee?
*Example: “I appreciate the knowledge and experience you bring to the company. Your insights are valuable. I also need you to support a respectful workplace culture and model this for other employees. This is an area you need to work on, and you will be evaluated on your progress in your performance reviews. How can the company best support you in adopting our culture of respect?”
AnonymousDecember 15,2022 at 1:28PM UTC
Managing difficult subordinates is challenging and a skill that isn’t always intuitive. Find advice and a mentor for this specific area. Ask your immediate supervisor for help and communicate where you are with skill development in this area. If it truly is something you don’t want to do, reconsider your long term career goals and look at high-level individual contributor roles. Management isn’t for everyone.
AnonymousDecember 16,2022 at 3:38PM UTC
Do you have any suggestions for finding a mentor?
My direct supervisor knows where I am skill-wise and helps to the best of their ability, short of doing it for me. I do know that I could benefit from a mentor outside of my place of work.
Laura Ann KleinDecember 17,2022 at 2:48PM UTC
check your area for professional women's organizations or meet ups for women with a professional growth focus to them.
Paulla Fetzek, MSEdDecember 15,2022 at 2:08PM UTC
Congratulations on your accomplishments! It's most certainly a lot to digest.
I'm going to answer this from the employee side. I'm older, have been at my current job nearly 20 years, and have seen newer, younger employees get promoted over me numerous times. I also work in an industry that is overall very male dominated. Though, fortunately, rarely do I experience sexism. It has happened though.
I don't care if my supervisor is younger than me - or even less experienced. All I ask is that this person acknowledges my vast experience and relies on it. What bothers me the most is if said supervisor doesn't listen to what I say. I'm always open to new ideas - but please don't invalidate me.
AnonymousDecember 16,2022 at 3:33PM UTC
Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions.
AnonymousDecember 17,2022 at 2:46PM UTC
I highly recommend listening to Brene Brown's podcast "Dare To Lead". Just because you don't have tons of experience managing people doesn't mean you don't have tons of experience leading people. People use gossip as a way to bond with their coworkers. Perhaps finding other ways for the team to bond with one another can be a goal for 2023. Best of luck to you!
GirlBossanova934974December 17,2022 at 2:29PM UTC
Early in my career, I had the great opportunity to work with people who had more years of work experience than I had been alive. I think that held for the first 10 years of my career. Those were probably the best years of my several decade career. The KEY here in my view is to look at this as a great opportunity to learn a lot of things without a lot of competition. It's free in my view. So you just try and get to know this person. Back in the day, we would grab a cup of coffee and have a little chat. While you are having that chat, you might want to drop a few hints about "office gossip" is not exactly a good thing. Opinions are great but talking about other people behind their backs is not a good thing in the office or anywhere else. WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND! or an old boss of mine told us. POINT THE FINGER and THREE FINGERS POINT BACK! It would be helpful to tone down down that stuff a bit. We really do appreciate the ability and expertise though.
AnonymousDecember 17,2022 at 4:28PM UTC
It sounds like you might be experiencing a bit of Imposter Syndrome, the belief that you do not truly have the skills to be in your job coupled with an innate fear of being found out. I would suggest looking into it and exploring options for coping with it in the time being. The previous suggestion to read Brene Brown's Dare to Lead is an excellent one. This book helps individuals overcome their internal fears and embrace their authendicity as a leader. Highly recommend.
AnonymousDecember 18,2022 at 5:24AM UTC
I have a team member that sounds like this. I getting to know her better, I found that she comes from a large and loud family so had to talk over others to be heard. We set up a code fraze to let her know when she was getting too loud/ negative. This has helped a lot.
AnonymousDecember 19,2022 at 1:10AM UTC
Don't lose your confidence, but also listen to the advice of the older worker. If they appear unhappy or concerned, ask them why. Very often people just want to be listened to. Remember that if they consistently asked you to take more responsibility, the company believes in you and sees that you have leadership qualities. And the suggestion to read a lot is a great one. I also liked to reference "Crucial Conversations".