I’ve worked for my investment firm for 15 years.

Anonymous

May 4,2023 at 3:08PM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

I’ve worked for my investment firm for 15 years. I am a partner in our firm ( about 1/4 of the employees are partners) but the majority of the decisions are made by the top 6 or 7 guys. Lately one of thise top guys has become more and more unhinged; rude, disrespectful; spewing falsehoods about my team. I lost my temper this week and we had a shouting match… most of the office overheard. Everyone knows he is a volatile prick, and I’m usually calm and collected. I was left shaken and distraught for the rest of the day. He, on the other hand, loves drama. My question: how do I respond to a senior member of my firm when he treats me and my team with disrespect and spreads falsehoods? I don’t want the rest of my office thinking that this guy is right in his treatment and assessment of us. I’ve challenged him to give me details on his perceived complaints, but he never does. I know I can’t change him, but I can (?) change my reaction to him. Any suggestions?

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

9 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

9 Comments

Join the conversation

AnonymousMay 4,2023 at 5:40PM UTC
I would gather the facts about any of his perceived complaints to the best of my ability and send the offending partner an email copying the other 6 or 7 decision makers with each complaint as a bullet point with the facts with any possible ways to improve. In the closing paragraph I would ask the offending person for their suggestions. In doing so it acknowledges their concerns, states the true facts and gives them chance to make suggestions for improvement all documented. If there ever is another scene you can calmly state that you had requested suggestions and they did not provide any feedback.
Barb HansenMay 4,2023 at 6:00PM UTC
Here is how I treat similar arrogant men in the workplace. Let's call him Todd.
Firstly, I know that Todd is not right, he's just gotten to where he is by either being a jerk or being a man or perhaps being both - a man who is as jerk.
In my mind, Todd is also a man who wants to sow discontent and I'm not going to play his game.
So, I reframe how I view Todd. I view Todd as a petulant child. Not my petulant child, but someone else's child who I have to interact with but I can't discipline.
When Todd spews falsehoods, I look at him with pity and concern. Inside my head, I'm thinking "Todd, dude. Are you okay?" and my face reflects that thought.
I calmly correct his statements then I publicly offer to meet with him privately to clear up any additional misconceptions he has.
If Todd continues to natter, which he most certainly will, I say, "I don't have time to re-hash this with you, let's meet later and I'm happy to answer any questions you have"
If Todd doesn't want to meet or come up with his issues, then the next time he brings up his issues, I remind him, "Todd, we talked about this last week and I offered to help you gain clarity on this issue, but you never followed up. I'm offering again, so let me know."
I try my best to never emotionally engage with Todd and b/c I view Todd as a petulant child, it helps me to never take anything he says too seriously. A petulant child image works for me but you may choose to view your Todd as an bungling fool or perhaps an less-than-average man who has succeeded without being very good at his job - whatever works for you.
It's not lost of me that we have to spend time dealing with the Todd in our workplaces, and Todd just gets to keep on being Todd.
Good luck, I hope you're able to find a path to deal with the Todd in your life.
Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterMay 4,2023 at 7:17PM UTC
Great feedback, Barb! We have to expect that Todd will behave like Todd...otherwise, we are being delusional. The question then becomes, Now what? How do I take care of myself when Todd is being Todd?
Barb HansenMay 8,2023 at 3:49PM UTC
Lesa. You ask, what I think, is the hard question. How do we take care of ourselves when Todd is being Todd? And I'll add some additional questions. Why do we have to deal with Todd? (oh, we all know why) Why can't Todd manage his own emotions and if Todd is being Todd, why can't management deal with him. Argh. But back to your question.
Many times in my past, I've not been good at caring for myself when dealing with Todd, but now I have a few tactics that help me:
1-- I treat Todd as an action item. I give Todd thoughts a few minutes of my time to deal with the active issues generated by Todd or responding to his silliness and then I move on.
2-- I pretend to be a person that's not bothered by Todd (it's amazing how often this tactic works. When Todd creeps into my thoughts, I tell myself that I'm a person who is not bothered by Todd)
3-- I document the daily Todd issues his ignorant and/or inappropriate comments, the additional work that I have to attend to because of his actions, and anything else Todd creates that affects me. Generally I do this documentation on a personal device so I can be snarky in my notes. Once the issue is written down, I don't think about it again, but I don't forget. I keep my list of "Todds" handy during meetings and I include any Todd issue that impacted my work in any project meeting notes or management updates. I'm not snarky in those reports, I'm just reporting on the facts. I find that when I write something down, I don't spend time worrying that I'm not going to remember what he did.
Do you have any tactics that work for you?
Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterMay 8,2023 at 6:05PM UTC
Barb,
....Assuming that we can't hog-tie Todd ala "9 to 5," I double down on how I'm showing up around Todd and his issues. My thought work then shows me how to think, feel, and act related to Todd so I get the results I want. I remind myself that obsessing on Todd's behavior does nothing to/for Todd...it just causes me to not show up as the best version of myself.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 1:25PM UTC
When working with volatile clients, I've learned that the best way to maintain decorum is to lower yours when they raise their voices. It contradicts the "normal" human response of meeting aggression with aggression and quickly sends the message that you will not stoop to their level. I'm sure this would also work with bullies and aggressive bosses.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 6:04PM UTC
Yes you can change him. Please tell him that you apologize for your behavior (in private) but also that his behavior has become the reason for your reaction. Let him know where the boundaries are and that you are going to walk away from him mid conversation if he gets past those in the future. Let him know you are not trying to tell him how to behave but you are telling him how not to. Let him know that your team is aware of his comments and they know to inform you if he spreads falsehoods about them throughout the organization. Let him know further that your discussion with be kept private between you and he and you expect the same respect that he is given in return. Then memorialize it in an email on company email cc-ing your personal email putting in the details of what you discussed. Save it in a safe place. If it happens again contact the EEOC regarding hostile workplace or your HR team regarding workplace violence. I would assume that there is an employee handbook? It may contain language regarding expected behavior, use it in the conversation if you need to.
SRPMay 6,2023 at 1:47AM UTC
Thank you all for your comments. Unfortunately for me. The Bully is very good friends with the CFO ( it’s a small company). As for lowering my voice, yes, that does work with other people, not this guy. Ironically, this guy has a serious hearing problem and doesn’t always wear his hearing aids!!! ( funny, right?)and I do like the idea of pretending to be concerned about him… perhaps I need acting lessons! It really comes down to this: if I can’t take it, then I am supposed to quit. I’m turning 60 this year, and my new job prospects are slim. Thus, I’m trying to find a way to manage the situation… other people have left because of his behaviour. Literally anyone who comes in contact with him knows he can be unhinged. He is referred to as Dr Jekyll and /or Mr Hyde, depending on the day. I am hoping to discover coping strategies, as my patience with him has run thin.
I will def start documenting it… very good idea. And yes, HR ( the one person who represents HR) knows all about it, but we know it will be me who gets fired over him ( no matter what). I’m just trying to hang on for 5 more years ( need the health care and income). Thanks for listening.
Liz MilneMay 6,2023 at 11:55PM UTC
Oh that all sucks! The only thing I can suggest, if you think you'll get away with it is treating him like a toddler having a tantrum.
"Are we in a bad mood right now, Brad? Shall I give you ten minutes to calm down and find your inside voice to reasonably and civilly tell me what issues you are having with [whatever]?" Then walk away and do not acknowledge him until he speaks to you in an appropriate tone?
(I know that's not possible for everyone, but - it would be so satisfying, yes?!)