Please be nice.

39 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 11,2022 at 3:11PM UTC

   First, I hope that everything gets better for you and you have the strength to focus on the silver lining to all things. Life is so hard; we have to remind ourselves of the positives and stay in a state of gratitude.?

   Regarding your FMLA request and the current action improvement plan - meet with your HR manager asap. It's unethical to place an employee on an action plan knowing they are unable to perform the job due to their health. If you haven't already, make sure to put it in writing to your manager that you are not capable of performing the job (at 100%) at the moment due to your health. (Worst case scenario, if they terminate you then you have proof they knew of your condition and they can be in risk of a wrongful termination lawsuit.)

   Unfortunately, I don't know much about student loans...but keep researching, there is help out there! My only thought is I would personally pay my mortgage/rent before a student loan bill. You know what happens when you don't pay your mortgage/rent...but what's going to happen if you don't pay your student loan? Get late fees or it goes to collections? I would let that happen before I risk my home.

   Take care of you first! Then you will be able to figure everything else out. It will be ok ?

2. AnonymousAugust 11,2022 at 6:20PM UTC

   Excellent advise! Take care of yourself first. The loans will wait.

3. Gretchen SkalkaAugust 11,2022 at 3:43PM UTC

   I think you are taking very smart steps.

   The EAP is an under-publicized bundle of resources, and I'm very glad you're making use of it.

   The career coach selection would only be odd if it's coming from a place of his position as a minister and not his position as a coach.

   If he is able to keep those separate, as he must, he may be able to provide valuable insight from his training and experience as a coach.

   With regard to the finances - I know this is usually the largest stressor (or one of the three largest) that people can have - and I'm so sorry that it's taking a toll on you.

   But please remember that you can only do what you can do.

   Things that are out of your immediate control are just that.

   The institutions to which money is owed can be appealed to for payment restructuring that you can meet and still live. They get paid, you get peace of mind that you won't lose your home in the process.

   This can mean extra fees or higher interest rates, but you'll both have a threshold you'll work toward.

   Don't think of the huge 'thing' out there.

   Think of what you can realistically do- today.

   Whether that's one call to the bank or to your son (a sore topic, I know) or your therapist.

   One thing.

   One win.

   One accomplishment.

   And go from there.

   We often don't realize how much we CAN and ARE doing when we're focused on everything all at once.

   Be kind - to yourself, too!!

   You deserve it - you've earned it - you're worth it.

4. AnonymousAugust 11,2022 at 4:02PM UTC

   First off let me ask, is the cognitive decline & depression/anxiety something that has developed AFTER you had Covid? Long Covid (which can develop ANYTIME after a Covid infection) is know to have these effects, and IF you are suffering from it, is a "disability" as defined by the CDC. This may give you a few more options as far as "Reasonable Accommodations" by your employer (i.e. not having to complete action plan) and possible debt options at your state level.

   Secondly, if it is not Long Covid (though I would research, esp. on Facebook groups, as Drs. still do not have a lot of info, as these issues make it sound like a good probability), you should also look into bankruptcy. No one wants to take this option, or even think about it, but it is a way to ensure you do not end up homeless. When talking to an attorney about bankruptcy, you might ask for options reclaiming the money your son owes you. While son will be pissed at having to pay back the money he owes, he's already estranged, so the downside is already minimized.

5. KatAugust 11,2022 at 6:52PM UTC

   Bankruptcy does not allow you to discharge student loans, unfortunately. But it might help alleviate your other debt issues. Sounds like you are doing all you can under very difficult circumstances. Good luck with everything and keep us updated.

6. AnonymousAugust 11,2022 at 4:29PM UTC

   You seem like you're doing all you can possibly do. Meetings with your financial advisor appear to be granting as much relief as possible.

   Perhaps, when your son is in a better place, he can help take on the school loans .

   You might consider a go fund me page so that friends, colleagues and family can help donate funds.

   Continue to advocate for yourself and keep posting updates.

   Good luck and good health!

7. AnonymousAugust 11,2022 at 4:59PM UTC

   Sorry you are experiencing these difficulties… It sounds like you are doing everything possible to help yourself… Saying a prayer ?

8. AnonymousAugust 11,2022 at 7:26PM UTC

   Why would you think people wouldn't be nice?

9. Crystal HowellAugust 12,2022 at 10:24AM UTC

   Thank you for sharing, always pay for your home and car first. Try reaching out to AARP, it's $12 to join give them a call they have a list of vetted companies that are for seniors, and medical recommendations on their website, https://www.aarp.org. Contact your lender on the home and car, they have programs to reduce your mortgage without refinancing. Your son is gone, left you holding the bag, don't dwell on it, Just Do You.

   Contact your local social security office for guidance with your father, maybe you two can live and help each other together. Student loans, the president is putting together something to reduce the balances, google student loan forgiveness Biden. Keep in counseling, your employer should work with you, if not, contact EEOC for your rights. So you know them, and reach out to https://www.shrm.org, for resource, Society of Human Resource Management. Don't Give Up, you have done a great job, hope this helps.

10. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 12:26PM UTC

    First off I am sorry you are having a challenging time!

    I am also struggling with anxiety and depression and it has affected my job. Metrics driven performance does not allow room for the person. This is just my opinion.

    I now have intermittent FMLA for those times it gets so bad that I can not function. I have feared I may have cognitive decline myself. I keep thinking it is long term stress and I could get better.

    One thought I had while going through FMLA was wondering if I would qualify for a disability for Social Security. Possible “retire” early and work a part time job.

    AARP was suggested and I’m going to look into it myself.

    Because you had the courage to share I do not feel alone. Thank you.

11. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 1:03PM UTC

    Me too!

12. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 12:29PM UTC

    Please be nice?

13. JJAugust 12,2022 at 1:13PM UTC

    Yeah people here are harsh, especially about mental health, as your comment suggests.
    They are just asking for a little kindness.

14. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 11:49PM UTC

    OP is asking for kind and constructive responses, not judgment or negativity.

    This is a reasonable ask.

15. Valerie RiegerAugust 12,2022 at 12:44PM UTC

    Try calling UNUM and asking them to assign your FMLA cases to one case manager and that you only be contacted once a day and that communication encompass both FMLA cases.

    I don't anything about PLUS loans but is it possible to have them decrease your payment?

    As for work, have an open and honest conversation with your manager or HR about where you are emotionally and mentally right now and ask that they pause the performance plan for a short period to give you some space to deal with everything going on. If you are suffering a cognitive decline you may also be able to seek ADA accommodations.

    Sending good vibes and positive thoughts your way.

16. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 12:45PM UTC

    I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time.
    My heart goes out to you. Have you considered meeting with your PCP to do a blood panel? Imbalances with the thyroid and extremely low vitamin D can present as depression. A good psychiatrist will often do a full blood panel to see if these issues are compounding. I know from experience. It’s worth gaining a full picture. You’d be surprised how taking depression meds can still leave someone feeling a but
    low if their vitamin D is extremely low.

    You can call your loan provider and put your loans on hold while you are on FMLA. Keep in mind it’ll keep collecting interest. forbearance ans deferment are the 2 types of
    options that I know of.

    What I can say is… these feelings of Hopeless are temporary. You’ve started seeking support and it does help. trusr the process, love. ?

17. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 12:58PM UTC

    FMLA simply means you are protected to take the time off. It doesn't exempt your employer from holding you accountable to accomplish the job you have been hired to perform. I know this is very harsh - simply put if you are hired to completed XYZ and you don't get it accomplished because you were out on intermittent FMLA you can be written up/documented for failure to perform. If your FMLA is for 4 weeks, 6 weeks, or the maximum allowed 12 weeks, then it will be treated as a Leave of absence and your performance will not be under the same scrutiny of a intermittent time off.

    If you need intermittent time off to handle your father's affairs or doctor's appts be aware of how your job performance will be viewed.

    Depending on your company's rules - some companies require you to use your vacation/PTO to cover intermittent FMLA and even long term FMLA then you are out without pay for the remaining uses.

    If you need time off to take care of yourself - strongly look at using your short-term disability and your long-term disability without FMLA. Short term should pay full salary - long-term will be a reduced rate ( again, this depends on your company's benefits)

    I wish you the best.

18. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 11:47PM UTC

    I appreciate your suggestions on applying for disability. I did not know about that!

19. JJAugust 12,2022 at 1:12PM UTC

    I am sorry you are going through this.
    Does your EAP have a care management arm? Something like a heath care advocate? That might help you.

    Regarding the loan, yes student loans are crushing whole generations and I know it’s bad to have bad debt or a low credit score but pay for a roof over your head first please.

20. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 1:35PM UTC

    I've been through everything in your story. It's good that you recognized that you need some medical advice and have engaged a therapist. Unum is good to work with. Your FMLA papers should first be filed for leave for YOUR mental health. During that time, take time to get your affairs in order and get your mind right, hopefully the medical doctor can prescribe an antidepressant. Try to destress. Document with HR that it is leave for YOUR health and that you aren't capable of performing your job due to this condition. During this leave, you can work on trying to help your father get the care he needs. It will be so much less stress just not having to deal with work while you work on YOU and getting your fathers situation taken care of. As for the Plus student loans, they will do income based repayment and if you are not working, you can get a forebearance or deferrment (depending on whether and how many you've had before on the loan). These loans cannot be discharged in bankruptcy. If it's high interest credit cards plaguing you, consider contacting Clearpoint Credit Counseling 877-877-1995. They can work with you to develop a plan and get creditors to lower your payments and interest rates. Beware though, it usually requires you to close these card accounts. Do not try to go the "freedom debt relief" way as those actions will highly impact your credit score because these companies actually write off debt when negotiating the deal. If you have any private student loans with variable interest, look at refinancing them as fixed rate loans. I switched from Navient (old Sallie Mae) to Citizens. As a last resort, always pay basic needs first like mortgage, car, groceries, insurances and then pay what you can toward the student loans, even if they say the payment is much higher, just always pay them something. If your son graduated, you can ask that debt you cosigned with him be redirected into just his name, removing you as a cosigner. He has to agree and sign the paperwork. Then those can be based on his income, not yours. The Plus loan debt will be there but at least you are making an effort and someday maybe your son can help with the repayment. Hoping these few hints give you some ideas. Good luck, praying it all works out.

21. Cynthia Armistead NewmanAugust 12,2022 at 1:56PM UTC

    As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression, I feel strongly for you. You certainly have plenty of circumstances that justify your feelings!

    Both conditions can cause cognitive issues. The psychiatrist may be able to recommend medication that could help you get your feet back under you.

22. Leslie A. NormanAugust 12,2022 at 1:58PM UTC

    One form of student loan repayment is income based. If you leave your job or are let go, you can change your payments. Check Income Based and Income Contingent. The rules for these have changed.

23. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 2:20PM UTC

    I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time. I’m glad you are seeking help and I hope everything works out for you. I really can’t give advice on the other topics but for student loans, I do know that if you can prove that you cannot pay them back in your lifetime they’ll forgive them. I’m not sure of the process for that though. When you are in a better headspace, I suggest reaching out to your lender.

24. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluAugust 12,2022 at 2:27PM UTC

    I suggest google-searching "free legal aid/law clinics" in your jurisdiction, and sit down with an attorney specializing in elder law to help you navigate the safest and most cost-effective options for your dad. As you state that he is still in a hospital, you have time to figure things out. The discharge team (social worker and nurse) should be preparing him for transfer to a rehab facility that is covered by Medicare. The hospital social worker would also have access to community-based and government resources your dad would be eligible for.

    You may also want to book an appointment with an attorney at the legal clinic to help you navigate the programs you may be eligible for, or a way to lessen your financial burden.

    Hoping for a speedy recovery for dad and for your well-being!

25. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 4:23PM UTC

    I have used legal shield for legal services. They have a subscription based model. It’s worked well for me. They review contracts up

    to 15 pages and have advised on revising the language in some cases to better protect me.

26. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluAugust 12,2022 at 6:14PM UTC

    I'm familiar with Legal Shield. I suggested the free clinics because they typically are keyed into local courts and the statutes which pertain to the OP's types of emergency cases. She would also get concrete advice regarding the pros/cons of transferring father's assets to make him eligible for higher level of public assistance, what the tax burden may be for her if she is a beneficiary, and the quickest path to get him into a long-term care facility given their limited resources.

27. Debbie WilliamsonAugust 14,2022 at 12:23AM UTC

    One thing to keep in mind, she should not transfer any assets, as doing so in my state, and perhaps hers could render her Dad ineligible for assistance. Best to meet with a case worker for Adult Medicaid to obtain guidance as to level of care, and transfer of asset policy. This can prevent costly sanction expense and more stress. Good luck!

28. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluAugust 14,2022 at 6:39PM UTC

    This is why I suggested engaging an attorney familiar with statutes in her jurisdiction, as well as, social worker at hospital.

29. Barbara WhiteAugust 12,2022 at 3:03PM UTC

    First of all, I'm so sorry that you are going through so much at this time. That's a lot for anyone to handle and of course you are feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to manage even one issue, much less all of them. I don't know if you have already tried this, but have you spoken with the social worker at the hospital where your dad is a patient? They can connect you with some resources to help manage your father's condition--and also to help take care of the caregiver. Oftentimes people don't know that this service is even available, but they are there to help not only the patient, but also the family. I didn't realize that this kind of service was even available until my niece had a child who has spina bifida and is a childhood cancer survivor. When they assembled the team to handle her illnesses, they included the social worker who addressed needs for the entire family. Hopefully the hospital where your father is a patient can connect you with the help you need to travel through this journey. Hope all goes well.

30. Pattie VargasAugust 12,2022 at 3:58PM UTC

    I am so sorry. There is a lot of good advice here so far - I will add that if your dad is a veteran he may qualify for Aid and Attendance from the VA. It is the only way we could afford to get my dad into Assisted Living. Here is one link about it: https://www.carehomefinders.com/va-aid-and-attendance

31. surfnwriteAugust 12,2022 at 4:27PM UTC

    I don't have much to offer except support and hope that your situation improves. I know personally that when having bouts of depression/anxiety, I feel as if I am in cognitive decline because so much of my mental space is taken up by negativity that learning and understanding things get so much harder. So please work on those issues first! Best wishes to you.

32. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 4:44PM UTC

    I can relate to almost every word of this. You are not alone. I took FMLA and Short term disability due to several deaths in my family, a sick husband, and severe anxiety and depression. When I returned my boss made sure to find a way to hold me accountable and I was let go for minor issues with performance that were a matter of opinion and her assigning extra work and not allowing overtime to complete it. Prior to taking time off I was working 2-3 hours extra almost everyday to keep up with the work load off the clock so I would not seem like I was not meeting the impossible productivity goals with lack of employees. I realize I could sue but I chose to do this because the quality of my work was important to me and I wanted to be in good favor with the boss. After taking time off I stopped giving them free labor off the clock and now I am unemployed. It’s hard to look for a job when still grieving, having a lot of responsibility at home and suffering from anxiety and depression and not being able to focus. I’m afraid I will be denied if I apply for disability and I really want to work. My money is almost gone so I am thinking of taking a job through a temp agency but worried about health insurance. It’s a great time to refinance your house if you own a home and are still employed. I was trying that route but can’t get my employment verification now that I am not working. Use whatever company resources you have and check with your health insurance too. They often have all sorts of programs and information that people may not be aware of such as legal advice and caring for aging parents or dealing with depression. Best of luck. You are not alone.

33. Aly SoloAugust 12,2022 at 4:49PM UTC

    Contact the loan company and any other companies you owe and tell them your situation and see what options they have to help or if you can reduce the payments. I’ve had to do this with medical bills and student loans. As long as you are making an effort and communicating before it gets too far behind they will try to work with you. See what other bills you can lower such as cable service and cell phones. There is an affordable connectivity program that will give you $30/month off your cable /internet.

34. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 5:23PM UTC

    I’m so sorry you have so much going on. I’ve been in somewhat similar circumstances with depression and student loan debt.

    might I suggest making a list of each thing you need to do.

    1- fill out FMLA paperwork

    2- fill out the online

    3- call the loan company.

    eat the elephant one bite at a time sort of thing.

    some student loans are eligible for forgiveness after 20-25 years, and most lenders will work with you rather than have you default.

    you got this. You can do it. You are taking the most important step now- applying for therapy and mental healthcare.

    See if there is a social services agency you can be referred to, maybe someone there can help you with paperwork.

    Hugs to you.

35. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 5:52PM UTC

    Keep plugging away at the paprwork, even if only 15 minutes at a time. It may be time to think about filing for bankruptcy, you should probably talk to an attorney about that. Glad you are seeking mental health help, hope it works out for you.

    I'm so sorry about the mess with your son - that sucks and hurts SO BAD. I know, my daughter went no contact over a year ago - took access to grandsons away and we don't even know why.

36. Doris AppelbaumAugust 12,2022 at 10:06PM UTC

    I went through a similar situation after my 1979 divorce. It was awful. Although I am not Christian, they signed me up for career coaching with a Lutheran minister. I am neutral about religion, but this seemed odd, and a little off to me. He turned out to be my best friend for over 30 years. That's the kind of coach you need. He really cared about me (and I about him - strictly platonic). I would send his name to you, but he recently died. Try more than one till you are in a good place. You WILL get there; think positive.

37. AnonymousAugust 12,2022 at 11:42PM UTC

    I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. You sound well-organized and describe your situation extremely well. I think that you are doing an excellent job of marshaling resources on many fronts during a difficult time. This would be a challenge for anyone, and you are reacting proactively and capably.

    Hats off to you! Please give yourself the time and space to resolve these matters slowly, bit by bit.

    Your concrete problems largely fall into the areas listed below; I’ve made suggestions on each. Again, take it slow and give yourself breathing space.

    1)Mental health treatment for you: Excellent that you have started the process of receiving psychiatric care. You have been extremely resourceful in finding assistance. In addition to talk-based therapy, I suggest that the psychiatrist address your anxiety/depression *and* what you perceive as cognitive decline through a medication assessment. Be open to the possibility of medication (SSRI drugs are commonly used for anxiety and depression.)

    The psychiatrist might also refer you to a specialist in geriatric issues for your cognitive decline concerns; there are medications for that condition, too. In addition, ask about fish oil capsules *without heavy metals*; fish oil has been shown to help cognitive functioning.

    Finally, please know that anxiety and depression can sometimes adversely affect cognitive functioning and memory, so treating your anxiety and depression may alleviate some of your cognitive difficulties.

    2)FMLA approval for your mental health condition: your psychiatrist should be able to fill out the medical portions of your form, as you mention.

    3)FMLA approval to assist your dad/resources for your dad: In addition to your dad’s primary care doctor, the outpatient services department of his hospital should be able to help with the medical portions of the FMLA form concerning your dad . This department should also be knowledgeable about additional sources of care and other support for your father.

    In addition, most states and larger local governments (cities, counties) have an Office on Aging or similar organization. These organizations can help you locate social services for your father (free Meals on Wheels, home health care aide, free transportation.) In addition, there might be foundations in your area that provide support for the aged. Finally, if your dad is a veteran, he should be available for some benefits from the U.S. Veterans Administration, as well as support from charities/foundations that assist veterans.

    4)Your loans: I think that you have done an outstanding job of pursuing solutions. I second others’ suggestions to consider the possibility of filing personal bankruptcy. The intent of bankruptcy is to protect *you* and help you satisfactorily reorganize your financial affairs. If you own your home, you are allowed to keep it. My understanding is that bankruptcy is accepted by lenders if you keep current with your post-bankruptcy financial obligations.

    If you’ve not already done so, you might be able to find a free financial counselor through a government agency or a non-profit organization. Money Magazine’s January 2022 issue (available online) has an article on this subject titled “These Free Financial Counseling Services Can Help Crush Your Debt.” A financial counselor could help you evaluate the bankruptcy option and whether you are able to restructure the PLUS loan.

    5)Your action plan at work and your career coaching with the Lutheran minister:

    Can the action plan at work be deferred in light of your FMLA applications? This does not appear to be the best time to address your performance metrics.

    As for the Lutheran minister career coach: it can’t hurt to have an introductory meeting with this minister. A minister might be an excellent sounding board on navigating both the career and personal matters that you are addressing.

    Again, you have written an excellent summary of your situation and have been addressing it proactively and productively. Congratulations on handling these issues better than most of us could, and give yourself the time and space to work these matters through,

38. AnonymousAugust 15,2022 at 2:45AM UTC

    Bankruptcy might be a solution; however, I would not count on it.
    Federal loans tied into the student loans are not eligible for bankruptcy.

39. Terresa RodenAugust 16,2022 at 10:01PM UTC

    I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing this in the workplace.

    For what it's worth, I hope you find the help you need.

    As to dealing with the road to financial health, there is a website that can be used to file for a disability dissolution of your federal student loans once you get cleared for disability. This article can explain it much better than I can https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/loans/student-loans/can-i-get-total-and-permanent-disability-discharge-of-my-student-loans used it to find out how I go about getting my student loans forgiven; followed the instructions and got them discharged.

    If your budget allows for it, check out <lesko-help-2@mn.co> I think the $20 per month is worth the price and they will teach you how to find all the grant sites you may be eligible for and teach you how to go about finding and applying for everything you might find and apply for. You have to do the legwork of applying; however they have regular training where you can aske questions and get help to get it done.

    I hope that helps.
    Terresa