I worked with someone for about a year - I left in 2022 for a new role, she got laid off in Feb 2023.

29 Comments

1. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdMarch 7,2025 at 2:00PM UTC

   Hello!

   Alcohol can be a horrible substance for some people. It can turn otherwise kind, mild-mannered people into raving lunatics. It also has the ability to lower/remove inhibitions - as seems apparent when your coworker called you in a drunken stupor.

   I would ask you to keep in mind the fact she was likely really plastered then. While what she said may have been vile - she does have a right to her feelings, even if they're not based in truth (that you can see).

   I don't fault you in the least for not wanting to give her a reference. But - keep in mind there are two types of references. You can offer to be a professional reference in the fact you'll confirm she worked at the place you did and during the times you know of. If she wants a personal reference, you can refuse that stating the fact you didn't work together and that it's been several years - you don't believe this would be viable.

   You do have a right to tell her that you won't be a reference at all. You can just state again that with the lapse of time you don't feel you'd be a proper reference.

   All the best!

2. AnonymousMarch 10,2025 at 12:26PM UTC

   Alcohol does lower inhibitions, but it doesn't cause people to say things they weren't already thinking/believing. She said vile things because she thinks/believes those things, and they are representative of her character.

3. AnonymousMarch 10,2025 at 4:05PM UTC

   Given the nature of these comments, I wouldn’t give this person a pass. She said some horrid things that probably lurk right beneath the surface.

4. Jacqueline CutlerMarch 7,2025 at 2:05PM UTC

   Tell her no. You're not obligated and she sounds like a terrible person to recommend.

5. AnonymousMarch 7,2025 at 2:17PM UTC

   Ignore the text or politely decline, stating that you don't feel comfortable given that you haven't remained in touch in the last few years.

6. JB09718March 8,2025 at 4:59AM UTC

   Best response! Regardless of the horrible things she said, you cannot be a reliable reference if you are not in contact in any capacity, personal

   or professional.

7. AnonymousMarch 7,2025 at 2:30PM UTC

   I'd tell her not comfortable with being a reference for her and explain exactly why and then ignore or block any further communication.

8. AnonymousMarch 7,2025 at 5:53PM UTC

   NO is a complete sentence! Use your words and tell this woman you can't be a reference because she's homophobic, and you're not willing to attach your name to her job application.

9. AnonymousMarch 8,2025 at 1:58PM UTC

   Ignore the text and move on with your life. To respond at all would open the door to new drama from her. You are not obligated to respond and people change their numbers all the time.

10. AnonymousMarch 8,2025 at 2:08PM UTC

    Say nothing. Some doors should remain closed for good reason

11. Nobody AnywhereMarch 9,2025 at 6:36PM UTC

    The people responding to you have provided good options. Whichever one you choose is a good one. Afterwards, do not feel guilty about this. You were not close friends and she is not your people. You owe her nothing.

12. AnonymousMarch 8,2025 at 4:25PM UTC

    3 options,

    1 - ignore the request
    2- do her a favor and let her know why you won't so that she can learn from her behavior or at least be directly held responsible for it (her words-not her lack of follow up BTW)
    3- (my favorite) -screen shot your post here and respond to her with that. If she doesn't get it, she never will....

13. Celena BartonMarch 8,2025 at 7:55PM UTC

    It doesn’t sound like you guys have a very close relationship so for your peace of mind, block her. I get wanting to help someone whom is struggling in the job market, but it’s been years and she already made you feel uncomfortable. She is obviously reaching out to you for a reason, which means she doesn’t have many references and likely due to the same behavior you experienced.

14. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMarch 8,2025 at 11:47PM UTC

    Personally, I would either ignore her or block her, depending on how "into" the situation you want to get.

    You haven't heard from her in years, I don't feel you owe her an explanation.

15. AnonymousMarch 9,2025 at 5:10PM UTC

    Yikes!

    While I understand she was probably drinking because she was pissed about being laid off, that’s totally no excuse for the vile things she said.

    I would either not respond or simply say “hey, it’s nice to hear from you! Unfortunately, since it’s been so long since we’ve worked together, I’m no longer comfortable being a reference.”

    If she starts giving you shit about it, block her and move on.

16. AnonymousMarch 9,2025 at 10:24PM UTC

    Don't get snared into something you may regret latter.

17. Tina MorenoMarch 10,2025 at 2:21PM UTC

    It sounds like you already know in your heart that the right response here is to say no, and that’s completely okay. You don’t owe anyone a reference, especially when their past behavior made you uncomfortable and conflicted.

    If you’d like to decline in a way that is firm but still kind, you could say something like:

    "Hey [Name], I hope you’re doing well. I want to be honest with you—I don’t feel comfortable serving as a reference for you. I wish you the best in your job search, but I need to decline this request."

    You don’t need to explain or revisit the past. If she presses, you can simply reiterate: "I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’m not the right person to be a reference for you. I hope you understand."

    Sometimes, people come back into our lives, and we have to decide whether we want to let them in again. It’s clear that your values don’t align with this person’s past actions, and that’s reason enough to set a boundary. You can do so without guilt, and without reopening a door that you don’t want to walk through again.

    Trust yourself—you’ve already made your decision.

18. AnonymousMarch 10,2025 at 3:59PM UTC

    Given that you two have never met and only connected when she called in a drunken state to completely trash the character of the manager, then it's safe to say that you know very little about this person and wouldn't be able to give a fair or accurate reference. Being a reference for someone is something that shouldn't be taken lightly. It's risky because it could come back to hurt you professionally, if the person you vouched for gets the job and it turns out to be a complete disaster. It's probably best to follow your instincts and decline on this one. Simply text back and thank her for thinking of you but politely tell her that you wouldn't be able to give the best reference that would be reflective of her work because you don't know each other that well. If she's thinking clearly, she would accept your decision. If not and she fires back negatively, don't respond and then go on to block her.

19. PebblesMarch 10,2025 at 4:08PM UTC

    I think you can either ignore her or reply that you don’t think you could give an accurate assessment of her work after this time had elapsed. Full stop.

    I wouldn’t put anything else in writing (such as her drunken rant and blatant homophobia).

20. AnonymousMarch 10,2025 at 4:16PM UTC

    I wouldn't respond at all, honestly. This doesn't sound like someone you want to encourage to contact you further.

21. AnonymousMarch 10,2025 at 4:57PM UTC

    Just don’t respond

22. Danielle Peterson, MBAMarch 10,2025 at 8:46PM UTC

    Either don't respond, or respond and say you don't feel comfortable being a reference since it's been a while since you worked together.

23. Manjit VirdeeMarch 11,2025 at 2:08AM UTC

    You should not give her the reference they way she has been acting. There is no trust left. And she is not going to changed. So I would not contact her at all.

24. AnonymousMarch 11,2025 at 1:04PM UTC

    Saying vile things while intoxicated and under acute stress does not excuse someone, but it also might not be reflective of their true character, difficult situation. You ideally do not want to provide a good reference for someone who might underperform in a future role.

25. AnonymousMarch 11,2025 at 1:12PM UTC

    If you're uncomfortable just don't do it. It's doesn't matter if your old co-workers.

26. AnonymousMarch 11,2025 at 2:04PM UTC

    Just kindly tell her that it's been 3 years since you've worked together, and you don't feel comfortable giving a reference after so long. And wish her good luck! That's it. Short and sweet.

27. AnonymousMarch 11,2025 at 2:16PM UTC

    So sorry you're being put in this difficult position.

    But I would follow the advice of many others on here and definitely reply. Say something along the lines that you don't feel comfortable giving her a reference, as they have suggested.

    But don't just ghost or block her. That doesn't help anyone. There's far too much of that going on the world already. Don't add to the pain!

28. MarciMarch 11,2025 at 2:50PM UTC

    It's been two years since you knew her. Just tell her you aren't comfortable to be a reference when it's been so long since you worked together. And leave it at that. No is a full sentence, but it can be softened with I statements. And no guilt. Because you have nothing to feel guilty about when setting your boundaries. At least that's what I've learned. I felt guilty for so many things that others have told me are totally unnecessary.

29. Focused721350March 12,2025 at 4:37PM UTC

    Really! Come on! You NEVER put yourself on the line for a TOXIC person like that. Id block her or tell her straight up you can't and you won't. Agree to disagree or DON'T EVEN BOTHER!