I don't know how to work with a controlling colleague.

Anonymous

December 30,2022 at 11:32PM UTC

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I don't know how to work with a controlling colleague. I don't know if I should just leave at this point or try to do something differently.

I have a colleague with whom I work, let's call her Rachel. We have to work together to do both of our jobs, but she is insistent on maintaining all control over all interactions with clients. Our roles overlap somewhat as part of the Sales cycle, but each time it is my responsibility to take over, she wants me to have as little communication as possible with the clients. I'm truly treated like a technician, and she needs to be copied on every email, lead every discussion, and even join me when I go onsite places to do my job. She adds no value in being there, because she can't do my job, so it just feels like I have a babysitter. I've been doing my job, by the way, for 8+ years across multiple organizations.

When I've spoken to both her manager and my own (I have a good relationship with both), the advice is always to just keep her copied on everything and essentially to ask her permission to do many of the normal functions of my job.

I continue to find myself in positions where I've accidentally stepped on her toes for one reason or another. This latest was because I copied someone else on the email and introduced them (they are responsible for post-sale activities) and she doesn't want anyone except her, or someone she deems 'critical,' on client emails - again so that she continues to be the main/only POC for the client. We are not in competitive roles. If anything, if we work as a team, we all do better financially and professionally. This is the case with all other Account Managers with whom I've worked, but I cannot seem to find a way to work that doesn't ruffle her feathers.

Is there anything I can do besides just leave? Is there a way I can more positively interact with her, so I don't want to cry or scream at the end of every interaction? Any and all advice is welcome.

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AnonymousDecember 31,2022 at 12:40AM UTC
Since your manager supports the current hierarchy of authority, you can do little to balance the management and chain of command or authority this coworker has established for herself. Unfortunately you will need to accept her "lead" and support her as best you can.
AnonymousDecember 31,2022 at 1:33PM UTC
This is ridiculous. If your manager won’t stop this, honestly I would start looking for other jobs. This person is not your supervisor and you’re not their assistant, so why is she so controlling? And why does your management allow this?? I do agree with the other post, there is little you can do here. So you have to ask yourself is it worth it to remain in a job where you are micromanaged to the point where you are hindered.
AnonymousDecember 31,2022 at 2:04PM UTC
Does she have a personal relationship with any of the managers?
AnonymousDecember 31,2022 at 3:54PM UTC
It is tough, especially with sales peeps, to show them "I work with you," and "I don't work for you." Begin by understanding that she is coming from a place of greed and/or insecurity. Pose the "work with not for" issue to your boss. See if you can get some support. Then let Rachel know that while you appreciate her enthusiasm, you are so busy that making exceptions for her (copying her when you don't copy anyone else in her role) is time consuming and causes unnecessary stops in your workflow. And then stop doing it. Tell your boss why it is unreasonable. Stop doing it. I'm a manager of some sales support, and eventually the sales reps get over it. They may complain everytime I talk to them. But, they know that their support is valuable and don't really want to risk getting someone new.
AnonymousJanuary 1,2023 at 2:00PM UTC
Is there anything you can do other than leave? Yes. Stop being a doormat. People treat us the way we allow them to. Take a step back. Can you have a conversation with her that follows this pattern:
Describe the situation as factually as possible in 2-3 sentences max. No adjectives or extraneous words like “you always.”
Make a very specific ask.
1-2 sentences of why it’s good for her
And perhaps show you understand where she is coming from. My guess is that she is worried something will happen with her accounts and thinks that by being involved at the micro level she can either prevent issues or manage them.
AnonymousJanuary 1,2023 at 2:02PM UTC
No there is nothing you can do. Management is allowing her to behave this way. Even if they told her to stop, she probably won’t. I’ve dealt with people like that before. If you don’t tell her you are going on-site to visit a client, she won’t be able to go. You can “forget” to include her on some, but not all, emails. Those are passive aggressive actions but sometimes necessary. Do not let her lecture you when she thinks you have done her wrong. My go-to for people like that are “I am doing my job and I suggest you focus on yours”. If voices are raised I either point out that they are behaving extremely unprofessionally and when they are prepared to discuss something in a professional manner, let me know. I have also been known to say “getting louder is not going to change anything”. I always stay calm, which seems to piss them off more (so bonus for me). If you can’t stand her, you will have to be the one to leave.
AnonymousJanuary 1,2023 at 3:04PM UTC
Not sure the passive aggressive approach is a good idea. Sounds like a terrible way to improve the relationship, and since the described MO is the way her superiors advised her to act when she brought it up, it would moreover be a form of "insubordination" that could be used as a reason for dismissal of the OP.
AnonymousJanuary 1,2023 at 10:27PM UTC
There is no relationship to improve. She will continue to be the office bully and management will continue to let her. Sometimes behaving in a passive aggressive way is the only way to keep your sanity. That and making her miserable can be a great game.
AnonymousJanuary 2,2023 at 7:22PM UTC
Waw. I hope that sometime you get to experience a passive-aggressive colleague who likes playing games to make you miserable. Sounds like so much fun.
AnonymousJanuary 1,2023 at 2:50PM UTC
I'm sorry, that sounds frustrating and infantilizing. Her asking to be copied on everything sounds reasonable and pretty standard, since your actions impact her work and she needs to stay in the loop. Not letting you have solo meetings, not so much.
I agree with the previous commenter that her behavior likely is fear-based. She might not trust you will do a good job (yet), even though you have the experience and that might not be fair. With some, trust is earned and it takes a long time. Perhaps propose her some alternative way of control and reassurance than her presence in meetings as a step in the right direction (a short debrief after a solo meeting for instance). If that works well, build on that with a next step to more autonomy in a couple of months.
Second possibility is that she might have an issue with your work that she is not brave enough to tell you. People tend to want to avoid conflict instead of being frank. Gently try to ask whether there are some suggestions she might have for you to improve your work. I'm not saying you are in fact doing a poor job, but that might be her perspective, and you should find out if that is the issue and take it from there.
Lastly, your bosses seem to have sanctioned this type of hierarchy. Are other, similar duos working together in the same way? It might be company policy and in that case you cannot do anything. If not, talk to other teams with a similar work relationship and find out how they work. Take that as an example to your bosses and ask they discuss a similar approach gor you two with Rachel.
Good luck, it sounds like a tough situation to be in.
AnonymousJanuary 1,2023 at 2:55PM UTC
Somehow line breaks don't work, sorry for the long chunk ;)
LJanuary 1,2023 at 3:47PM UTC
I agree with many of the comments. Copying her on most/relevant emails seems fair, I'd be ok with it so I wouldn't have to chat with her as much ;)
But I would outline a beneficial way of working with your non-negotiable items clearly stated and share those with your boss to get buy-in. If it's not working for you, but they're ok with the status quo, you'll have to be the one to push for change. This sounds like one that's worth the challenge.
Good luck!
AnonymousJanuary 1,2023 at 5:45PM UTC
I personally think she’s threatened by your technical skills, sales skills and well rounded ability to do the entire sales cycle; which includes communicating with “her” clients. This is the source of the problem and she will continue to be territorial, since both managers are backing her up.
How much do you like your company? After 8 years, you will be able to land a job that pays significantly more, with better opportunities. It’s a tough decision, but it might be time to advance your career. You will be gone, but she will still be there recking havoc on the next person. Good luck!
AnonymousJanuary 1,2023 at 5:45PM UTC
You will need to accept that she is the defacto lead and you two do not share the same authority. Your boss has agreed to this hierarchy.
Christi MillerJanuary 1,2023 at 7:08PM UTC
I would leave. She will never change and your bosses back her behavior. If asked for the reason you are leaving then provide honest feedback as to her behavior and the company support of said behavior. Go to a company that values your skills and doesn't feel you need to be micromanaged by a coworker.
AnonymousJanuary 2,2023 at 3:34PM UTC
People in customer-facing roles really do need to be in the loop, so just look at this situation as an information-sharing situation. When that customer has a question, "Rachel" will be the person the customer turns to, and that's not unusual. She probably knows that customer better than anybody else, and has massaged that relationship. If she's on commission, she also has to protect that relationship for her future commissions. If that's her history in prior roles, or if she's worried that the other account managers will poach her clients, she's just protecting herself, in her mind.
What you can do besides leave is just not worry about it. You don't need to control the company's relationship with the client. And if your previous experience with account managers is from a different organization, you can accept that this organization handles things differently.
AnonymousJanuary 3,2023 at 12:56AM UTC
The problem with this is that the information sharing goes one way - I'm expected to share all, but she doesn't share anything. I don't mind looping her in - if anything, I loop her into more than she really needs to know because she's asked for that. The part that bothers me is that because she wants to own the entire relationship, she feels it's a zero sum game. I'm also on a commission structure, so I too care about our client relationships. I support North America as well as some global clients, so I deal with account managers all over the world - I've never had a relationship like this one. I've never had an account manager look at me as a competitor as opposed to a team mate (which is the reality, I don't want to be a Salesperson haha). I prefer to work in a collaborative environment , so maybe that's my fault for expecting that from others.
We had a scenario recently where I ran into an old customer of mine at a conference with whom I had a great working relationship. I told Rachel about it and laid the ground work for her to come in for further discussion, as the territory manager. I was then not copied on her initial outreach email. She then came back to me and complained that the client never responded. Well, Rachel, maybe it's because the client has no idea who you are and you explicitly left off the one person in the organization she knows. When I asked her why she didn't copy me, her response was "because I don't have to." It honestly left me speechless.
AnonymousJanuary 4,2023 at 3:45PM UTC
You can go about this as she did / I did or think beyond you and Rachel. Say the goal here is to open the communication channel with this old client. As you mentioned the strategy and could offer to make intros and setup a call to connect with client and loop in Rachel. In the hindsight, that did not happen, Rachel did what she did and rude to you. I urge you to reflect. At what level do you want to operate? Same as Rachel and continue this for that or get to a higher conscious level of separation of people from problem? Problem is re-engage with client. You can suggest to Rachel - “I can make an intro to piggyback from last conversation with client at the conference and introduce you. Let’s see if WE can get client to respond to that? If client does not respond in few days… you and I can play followup keeping each other in loop until we win or drop if we succeed let’s have that intro call together and you can lead from there based on client needs.”. If Rachel is sensible individual she can see your collaboration spirit. That might mend your ways. Either way, you are leading consciously.
AnonymousJanuary 3,2023 at 1:31PM UTC
What would happen if you would just stop copying her? Stop giving her the validation and the power to be controlling over your interactions with clients? If she is not needed for the process, simply stop including her. If she confronts you on it, listen then ignore it and move on. Other than that, if her manager and, more importantly your manager, are not going to back you up it might be time to find a new place.
AnonymousJanuary 6,2023 at 7:42PM UTC
Thanks everyone - I ended up speaking with my manager, her manager, and another colleague of mine who's in a similar situation with this Salesperson. The managers seem to finally be taking it seriously, and are not above putting her on a PIP if the behavior doesn't improve over time. I think they initially wanted to see if increasing our interactions/communication would resolve the problem, but since it hasn't, they are more open to being more direct and implementing consequences if they don't see an improvement.
We'll see in the long run what actually happens, but I at least feel more heard now than I did before. I think it helped that both the other colleague and I had concrete examples (screenshots, anecdotal, etc.) of her lack of collaboration, unprofessional attitude and language, and that we also cited that in the territories where there is GOOD collaboration, the numbers are the highest. I tried to stick mostly to a business case why her behavior is bad for the BUSINESS, and not just me.