Help please on how to appropriately handle my supervisors forgetfulness constantly as I often remind him and it’s wearing me out mentally, physically and emotionally.

52 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 3,2022 at 5:01PM UTC

   Disengage.
   Send emails with read receipts so he has everything in writing and can't claim he forgot or was never told. And start looking for another job. This guy sounds exhausting to work for.

2. Thalia MoshosSeptember 6,2022 at 12:53PM UTC

   This reminds me of relationships where the woman has to do all of the mental labor, because the man is "incapable" of doing anything.

3. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 12:57PM UTC

   Yes. Exactly. I read through all of the comments and was about to reply and saw this one and was so thrilled because this is precisely the approach I would take.

4. Kathryn MontbriandSeptember 3,2022 at 5:35PM UTC

   Setting up some systems might help here, or at least keep your energy output to a manageable level. You definitely aren't in charge of making sure he remembers to do things so finding a different way of operating will help you both.

   Depending on the work you do together you could consider:

   1) a daily 10 minute meeting in the morning to go over what needs to be done for the day

   2) a running shared document with outstanding tasks / items

   3) a structure where his admin (if he has one) flags high priority items for the week and blocks off time for him to accomplish them

   4) deadlines - be clear about when something is needed and when/how reminders will happen (i.e. will it be automatic from his calendar, in your daily meeting, some other way)

   Think about what problem you are trying to solve (likely - get the work done and not be frustrated) and what process will help you get there. Good luck!

5. Amy KussmannSeptember 3,2022 at 8:56PM UTC

   Excellent advice!

6. Holly JacobsSeptember 6,2022 at 12:47PM UTC

   Before you do anything, define or identify the "why" of the Supervisor's forgetfulness. All efforts without this key component may help you in skills but not give you, your desired outcome. You & your employer can only be as strong as the weakest link in your organization so if there's an issue the best way to handle it, is to bring leadership's attention to the issue with backup documentation and your intent of solving the issue for productivity.

   During this process, I would follow Katherine Montbraid's solid day-to-day tactical path. It's great advice.

7. Sharon GrehanSeptember 3,2022 at 6:33PM UTC

   Maybe he is overwhelmed? Try asking him how you can best help support him without overloading either of you. It may be as simple as a list of tasks added as a calendar invite every day if that works for him and is efficient for you.

8. AnonymousSeptember 4,2022 at 10:11AM UTC

   Remind him in writing. He may respond better to written reminders.

   He doesn't seem to retain your verbal reminders. He may be suffering some medical issue.

   Regardless, he will not change. His issues don't sound like things he can change. You must learn ways to help him remember his routine and communication. Getting frustrated is going to help.

9. JJSeptember 4,2022 at 6:24PM UTC

   I get busy and forgetful too, so I try to be kind but after a while it is disruptive to the team. In this situation, I tried ignoring it but that stressed me out, so I basically became the boss by giving direction, setting timelines, and documenting progress. Seeing it all laid out in a project management system made it very clear where my boss was missing the mark. With details (links to email exchanges, meetings, etc) they could not say they did not know about a project or that something never happened.

10. AnonymousSeptember 4,2022 at 6:53PM UTC

    You're going to work with lots of different personality types and abilities. If the worst thing about him is that he's forgetful then that's not bad. Ultimately, you need to learn to work in whatever style your supervisor prefers. If you need to send him reminders then that's what you need to do. My advice to remove your frustration is to change your way of thinking and focus more on finding systems that will help things run more smoothly. It will also make you more of an asset and someone that they'll know they can rely on. That's a good place to be when it comes to moving up in the company.

11. Maggie StoneSeptember 6,2022 at 1:16PM UTC

    I agree with this.
    Give him/her reminders in whatever format works best for them. I like the suggestion that someone else made about a weekly activity report with reminders and action items for them highlighted or in bold. That way they don’t have to look through a dozen emails to find information. This will also serve as documentation that you are on top of things so they can’t blame oversights on you. However, if this is really severe (not an occasional oops) or it persists or gets worse after making accommodations, then it may be time to go up the food chain.

12. AnonymousSeptember 4,2022 at 9:35PM UTC

    Sorry to hear about this, but everyone always has a special boss like this they have to deal with at some point in their career. Since he is your boss and you have to be careful how you communicate with him, try getting creative with your approach.

    Since you know he is forgetul, if you can anticipate what would be discussed in a meeting, within an hr before the meeting, provide a consolidated matrix of cheat sheet notes for him to refer to as memory joggers. I know its going above and beyond, but it would make you stand out to him in a positive way for helping him in areas where he falls short, so when its time for a promotion, you will certainly be on his radar. Good luck!

    So dont get frustrated, get creative. Sometimes coworkers and bosses can be like clueless like toddlers. Just get creative in how you approach him to provide him with the info he needs until it clicks. Good luck!

13. Lori CasoSeptember 6,2022 at 12:38PM UTC

    Every week I provide my boss with a WAR ( weekly activity report) it’s two-fold: reminds him of important matters and keeps a record of everything that I’ve done too.

14. Julianne EckertSeptember 6,2022 at 12:38PM UTC

    There could be a variety of reasons your boss is forgetful but this is a great time to learn how to manage up in this situation. Agree with all the above -I would also offer to you in asking your boss what support structure he/she needs to help set you both up for success beyond staying on top of someone and reminding them is a short term fix and definitely prone for failure and frustration. It definitely sounds like your boss is overwhelmed.

15. Thalia MoshosSeptember 6,2022 at 12:52PM UTC

    What? YOU need to stay on top of him??? NO no no, HE is the supervisor and its HIS responsibility to stay on top of things. If he forgets things sometimes then ok, but if this is happening often then I would start looking for a new job.

16. Jer CSeptember 6,2022 at 2:39PM UTC

    Why should the person who is handling things leave? Talk to HR with others and yes document

17. Leader135412September 6,2022 at 1:31PM UTC

    Why are you assuming his age and race.

18. Jaydine LeeSeptember 6,2022 at 2:03PM UTC

    Yeah I agree. This person jumped to many conclusions and didn't ask one question. They need t working healing themselves before giving advice.

19. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 3:24PM UTC

    Who else would get away with this behavior?
    It seemed obvious to me as my experience with this problem involved an OWD.

20. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 6:13PM UTC

    Waiting for OP to say this is incorrect.

    Why the assumption? Because anyone less entitled would not dream of dumping the responsibility for their inadequacy on the nearest person (usually a woman).

    be mad at the assumption or take notice of the reality. Your call entirely.

21. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 1:38PM UTC

    I always go by...treat others as you would like to be treated...if you were in his position with the memory issues, how would you want to be treated. things happen to us in life that we cannot control and sometimes cannot accept. it is no different than dyeing hair to hide the gray...its there but we don't want to accept it. be kind, be helpful...put yourself in his shoes.

22. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

    Sounds like life working for the federal government...

23. Ellen Smith FaganSeptember 6,2022 at 1:40PM UTC

    In a business environment, his forgetfullness is definitely not ok.

    If he likes being absent-minded, he must pay twice what you are getting to be his true aide. BLAME COVID. Lots of people have experienced lots of aberrations due to the life and death threats on us all, and the way we are not allowed to relate to people normally might be messing him up.

    IS he OLDER? It could be a health issue but today they fix it , especially if you get him to care early.

    ONE THING - if you and others who cope with him, fail to get him to diagnostic care and treatement, it will only get worse - it will not get better. ACT.

    But DO NOT ACT alone. I am sure your boss is doing it to everyone. Get a team of at least three or four to VERY KINDLY approach him on this topic and do not let go till you get good initiative for him.

    If you feel you may be fired over this.....good riddance.
    Be real, and line up new work in case he gets worse and/or lets you go over it.

    Good luck!

24. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 1:43PM UTC

    You have received some really excellent advice here on helping you document and communicate with him. You absolutely should start this process and make sure you are documenting as much as possible. I am a firm believer in written communication. However are we missing a major red flag here, is there potentially a health issue that is going undiagnosed? I had this start with a co-worker who was otherwise a great mentor for myself and others. A few weeks later he had a stroke while at work. Thankfully myself and another co-worker were there to assist and get him an ambulance quickly, he made it through and was able to retire soon after to enjoy time with family. Just another thing to consider so yes frustrating for you but there may be more to his forgetfulness.

25. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 1:58PM UTC

    No, it's not your job to care for or otherwise provide medical advice to this adult you work for.
    I do like the below advice about providing a weekly "5 things" report or something like that. That's about the extent of it for me. I also would not share any frustration with HR at this point. I'm thinking that if it's obvious to you that this is a chronic memory problem you aren't the only one noticing it.

26. Connie ChaffinsSeptember 6,2022 at 2:14PM UTC

    Ive actually been on the other side of this- I lead teams who are responsible for a ton of small details and frequently forget where we are with a project or a deadline. One of my teammates create a google doc for me an good naturedly called it "Earl in a box" his name being Earl of course. He gently guided me to use that document before reaching out to him. Im quite sure it wasnt totally benevolent- he probably had some reservations that I might presume he hadnt shared something important when he had. It became a pretty powerful tool for us to use, and I developed a habit of going to Earl in a box before taking time away from the actual Earl.

    I feel your frustration, but it makes me sad to hear people say that your leader is asking for you to take care of him- at the end of the day isnt all of our jobs to look out for each other, and to the degree possible, meet people where they are? I want to be the person who finds creative ways to acknowledge the limitations of all of my co-workers and find new ways of working that help us all win.

    I would definitely set up separate time with him to share your concerns/frustrations in a professional way and share the impacts on your time and productivity. He may be unaware of how its frustrating you, and having the brave conversation could be a great way to level set and align on a path forward.

27. Danna Furnace-GrimesSeptember 6,2022 at 3:14PM UTC

    Everything Connie said and maybe a google calendar too.
    It really helps hold my team together but only if everyone on the team (myself included) uses it. Good luck to you.

28. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 3:03PM UTC

    Is your supervisor becoming combative?
    My mentor got memory issues and combativeness. And he forgot his industry knowledge. So he would come to me asking me to agree with ideas that were wrong on every point. Then would escalate the situation until I had to go hide in the womens bathroom to wait for him to cool off or ask someone else. It was a nightmare. It was a very small company so everyone was aware but owners were afraid of age discrimination lawsuit. And he refused to retire because he didn't want to be home with his wife he told me. So with all that said, I don't agree with those who say you should help him. Coming from my experience, you cannot do both your job and Alzheimers nurse duties. Either one...or the other...I could do. Not both.

    Edit - those suggesting email...he refused to read emails. He would call me demanding I tell him what I meant. In other words...read the email to him without appearing to be reading the email to him.

29. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 3:54PM UTC

    I cannot thank you enough for posting this. I am 3.5 weeks into a new job with a supervisor who is hostile, combative, forgetful to the point where she doesn’t remember something she told 15 minutes earlier, loses and deletes things, changes passwords and forgets them, etc. It has become a nightmare. She has given multiple “use this as a template” and later wants to know why. If I told her she sent me, that will be another 15 minutes of going through her email and sent box until she finds it and reads aloud. I suspect there are medical issues and at a loss as to what to do so these answers will be helpful. She also is somehow ahead of the HR department so I am in quite a bind. Thank you.

30. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 8:20PM UTC

    I agree with the other poster that you may have someone with a medical issue on your hands. You're too new to really do something about it. If you like the company, keep your head down - this will work itself out. Otherwise, start looking for something else.

31. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 4:05PM UTC

    I had a similar situation occur with my manager, mentor, and dear friend. It was rather frightening. He would tell me that things were classified when I thought that they weren't. When I caught him openly discussing them in public later, I would pull him aside and whisper, "I thought that was top secret" and then I became the butt of his jokes. Soon it was, "Did you know she thought this was classified?!?" and everyone laughing at my expense which was difficult given my position of authority and as the GATEKEEPER for classified documents, so how was anyone supposed to take me seriously?

    I quickly found myself feeling annoyed and my pride was bruised. I was also concerned about my professional reputation in an industry I had taken a decade to build that is still a Boy's Club. Then, I stepped outside of everything and analyzed the issue without emotion as I would do if he was one of my employees which he essentially was since he had retired and was consulting. I replaced him, but he kept coming back which made things difficult which is another story altogether. He didn't do me any favors there.

    When I looked at his behavior, I realized that I had seen it in my patients as a HCP. I had seen it my grandparents as well and one of my best friend's moms. Paranoia, deflection, angst, forgetfulness, confusion, worsening later during the day.... It was all right there in front of me. He had dementia that was induced by Parkinson's.

    He ended up running over his briefcase with classified materials he was transporting twice because he forgot they were behind his truck. These are NOT normal briefcases. They are the kind you see in movies made of steel. When that happened the second time, I called his wife since we had a great relationship and said, "I am concerned about Sam."

    Just so you know, he took every secret to his grave since he thought everything was classified, he didn't talk about anything. At the end, he wouldn't even tell his children what he did for a living which would have been fine. We can discuss our employer and position, general job duties you would find online, but not the details.

    I was noticed by our parent company and offered a position by one of the largest defense providers in the world on their board running security, so everything worked out. It was tragic and bumpy getting there though and I turned down the position because I want to work to live and not live to work. I don't want 100,000 employees under me. That's a little much.... The org charts gave me headaches. Lol!

    You have every right to feel the way you do, but I think your boss is likely altered in some way. I had another that drank every day at lunch and came back drunk who was a semi-functional alcoholic. I would start by "Managing You Manager". Put everything in writing. Give him a task list and daily status report. If you meet in person, send him a recap in email. If things don't improve after that, then you need to escalate the matter. Then, everything is also documented and you have CYA'd.

32. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 8:18PM UTC

    this is the best reply I've seen to this question. My first thought was that the Manager may have a medical issue, which you have covered, along with everything else!

33. AnonymousSeptember 8,2022 at 11:46PM UTC

    Thank you. I only kept it anonymous because I have the utmost respect for "Sam". Since he spent his entire life in service for our country, I felt it was a fitting pseudonym.

34. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 4:34PM UTC

    They're not wrong.

    And no, assuming that someone is of a particular demographic based upon his specific actions is not racist or ageist, unless the stereotype is used to subject him to unwarranted bias not based upon those actions.

    Particularly when that demographic is the one that invariably has the most power in the workplace, and has often gained their position via privilege despite their mediocrity. This is often the upshot of lousy DEI practices.

35. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 4:40PM UTC

    Tracking everyting in email sometimes helps quite a bit. If asked verbally to do something, it's usually easy and within professional limits to ask if the manager can send that project (or whatever the task is) with the dead line date or some other detail to email. Then is something changes or is forgotten, a copy of the email can be sent with a question or asking if other parts of project has been modified. Sending updates may not be necessary in another situation, but, documenting in these sittuations is. I was in this circumstance,, not to OP extreme, but email helped immensely! I even started to copy manager's boss in a friendly update of issues going well or complications that I was dealing with so I accounted for my time and interest in the project. If I was asked something like why I was using a certain template (for instance) that manager had directed, in email, I could bring that email up and resend to manager expressing I missed the directive to do otherwise. As others have expressed, it is not the employee's task to tend a medical issue, but, when it affects the company, it get complicated. Get a notebook and document issues daily to protect yourself if issues come up down the road. Be very careful who you discuss this with . Your concern may be the best intention of helping, but, could mark you as a trouble maker

36. Milissa JacobsSeptember 6,2022 at 4:45PM UTC

    text messages with alarms, perhaps he has a medical reason and should have someone examine him?

37. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 4:46PM UTC

    Consider not reminding the supervisor of everything and let the consequences take it's course. Suggestions that it is your job to be the supervisor's keeper, may be met with a need to add that to your job description with a raise in a friendly and jovial sentiment

38. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 10:48PM UTC

    I‘n very curious about your feedback. What is your seniority? What is the nature of your work?

39. AnonymousSeptember 7,2022 at 1:01AM UTC

    My title is Property & Development Coordinator. This is not a supervisory position.

40. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 5:43PM UTC

    Nice try but no one said only OWDs have memory issues.
    I am saying white privilege and memership in the Old Boys Club give OWDs much more leeway for poor performance, abusive behavior, and unprofessionalism.

41. ChrishoggSeptember 6,2022 at 6:38PM UTC

    You say, "as I keep reminding him to do what he should be taking care of"

    So I ask

    Why should your supervisor bother to remember anything when he has a well-trained and compliant aide to do his remembering for him?

42. Danielle Peterson, MBASeptember 6,2022 at 9:08PM UTC

    what you are doing is called managing up. It doesn’t often feel ideal, but consider someone more senior to you may have a lot on their plate. I report to my organization’s CEO and find it necessary to treat her in the same way you are describing. It helps to use a project management system that has automated reminders built in, but my current org doesn’t have one. Sending calendar invites for key milestones might be helpful.

43. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 10:46PM UTC

    This is a necessary skill. As others said— it’s called managing up. It’s critical to your career. Make it your mission to learn how to do this effectively.

44. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 10:49PM UTC

    Technically speaking, you report to the boss and you are hired to fulfill his vision for the team and the outcomes that he has committed to.

45. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 10:59PM UTC

    This doesn’t sound like a
    performance or productivity issue, just an inconvenience. I’d offer, this isn’t an inconvenience it’s part of managing up as others have stated.

    Additionally, Depression and anxiety impacts like 50% of the population. Forgetfulness is one of the symptoms. On the flip side, treatment medications (while your body adjusts) can cause you to be forgetful, esp if the dose is too high.

    Its good to have grace for the “forgetfulness” and manage up. You never know when you might find yourself in a similar situation and wish to have some grace, too.

    Also — please ask yourself if you can communicate in ways that make the progress updates more clear with dates and markers. We can all improve in this area.

46. AnonymousSeptember 7,2022 at 6:41AM UTC

    Medical concerns aside,I have witnessed this behavior in supervisors ,in an effort to ,"get you to quit the job",that way they don't have to pay for your unemployment benefits insurance. In my own experience the paycheck amnesia was a sure fire sign ,I actually thought it was forgetfulness until I discovered after a few months ,that everyone in the office was paid in a timely manner. Quiet Quitting in the hire ups exists,the grace is in seeing the signs,and adjusting to them,avoid the endless hamster wheel, and seek a place that will do the work with you,they exist also. Much compassion to you on this ,the other angle is to keep the job and act as the supervisor in your own position as the other posts suggest ,calendars and notes will be your backups,(secretary notes) ,if you really enjoy working with this group,and find the position one you are passionate about and can do really well,it may be worth the stay. Forget about trying to make him / her see their defects in memory lapses ,focus on the solution of taking notes for all decisions, and the calendars,they are your records and will do more of the actual talking,in putting things in action. In my case aforementioned,leaving politely for another position was well worth it ,honest ,kinder,gentler people and a lot better pay scale ,on time too!

    Note : finding good people to work with and in harmony is genuinely a gift . The guts to seek and find them is of champion athletic proportions,and a lot of prayer ,thankfully to God it turned out so well ,better than I hoped for amen!

47. Ellen Smith FaganSeptember 7,2022 at 10:02PM UTC

    she's right. I would add that you should wear a cam and get plenty of documentation - film things in writing as well as things being acted out live AT you. This is legal proof of the petty and hurtful behavior.

    YOU CAN SUE or at least make report, as soon as you are re-employed otherwheres, to save you some pain. YOU ARE NOT TO BE ABUSED - IT'S THE LAW!

    Even if, as anonymous says, it's a hint that he wants you to go...it is business and he is supposed to behave in a businesslike mannter and simply SAY respectful TRUTH - not behavve in such arbitrary, adolescent petty peevy fashion.

    HIs lack of respect has cost you money and personal pain. Fix that. It's your life and not homeroom before the teacher arrives.

48. PattySeptember 7,2022 at 8:23PM UTC

    I encourage you to communicate/confirm important points, deadlines, etc. via email. He then has a reminder, and you have a record. Things have been extremely stressful for the past several years due to COVID, virtual schooling, staff leaving, technology changes, etc. I'm finding that a lot of people are exhausted and more forgetful of details than usual.

49. Teri GibsonSeptember 9,2022 at 2:40AM UTC

    and Long COVID - makes you very foggy

50. AnonymousSeptember 8,2022 at 3:25AM UTC

    Why do you feel it's your job to step in for superviosr's memory issues?

51. Rynn StrangeSeptember 13,2022 at 12:47PM UTC

    Use that compassion to have a conversation with him and let hm know that you are concerned about this. Explain how this is a hindrance to getting your own work accomplished. The bottom line is, you don't know what is really going on with him. Granted, if it's a personal issue, it isn't your business, but the behavior at work is your business when it affects the progress of getting things done. If this conversation nets no resolution, then go to HR and explain (not complain) how this is affecting business in your department.

52. Ellen Smith FaganSeptember 15,2022 at 1:47AM UTC

    YOU are not supposed to get all that personally engaged on the job......save your life and unless he wants to pay you triple the salary of the others, GET OUT and find someone healthy to work for. His type is considered perfectly normal in some environments - a full person who is not afraid to let his mind nurse him along, apart from the nuts and bolts pace of the workspace.....so he May be considered jsut fine the way he is. IN THAT CASE....still get out of there and on to something new.....NO GOOD GUYS / NO BAD GUYS. but you're not finding him an easy delight to work with, so do show sense and escape to something that works for you.