Hi All,

Anonymous

May 10,2023 at 1:21PM UTC

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Hi All,

I'll try to make this brief. About two weeks ago I had a slight argument with my boss. We have a had a few dust ups before. She isn't a very good manager or communicator. I guess I am having trouble adjusting to a new manager that is so different than the last. I have been here 9 years. I asked her a question and she was snippy. About 30 minutes prior to this she slammed her door. I am not sure why. Tension was high as its the end of the month in accounting world.

During this disagreement I did slam my door as well.

I basically told her she never liked me from the time she got here, and she is acting unprofessional as well. Just because she is my supervisor doesn't give her the license to have an attitude.

(my thoughts) It is obvious who her favorites are, and I am not one of them. I never yelled to my recollection or used language. I asked her if we could please go talk in private so we can fix our issues. She refused. Finally, I just went to work and helped everyone close out the month never saying another word. At the end of the day after her favorites left, I went in and apologized. She said that it was okay, we are good. She said I need to figure out your triggers. She did say some other managers heard the disagreement and reported it. I asked if I would receive a call from corp. She said don't worry about that. I will take care of them. Go have a relaxing weekend.

I came in on Monday and wow everything was different. She wouldn't speak to me. Finally, Tuesday afternoon I asked her if something was wrong. I thought we resolved this Friday.

she said that some mangers heard it and basically said something to her. Made her look bad and her team bad. She said she is waiting to see what Corp wants to do with me.

That was over a week ago. She still doesn't speak to me.

What is worse is that no one else on the team will speak to me either. I am invisible. I don't understand because I never yelled, cussed, or threatened her. I basically called her out and I guess embarrassed her in front of her peers.

I am miserable and not sure what to do.

I bought myself a laptop so I can look for something else. The problem is nothing pays what I make at this current position. Also, I was diagnosed with skin cancer Monday. I have to keep my insurance to see that through.

I guess what I am asking is how do I handle this? I feel like I have a scarlet letter on my chest. No one talks to me. I hear them laughing and whispering and carrying on. It is like 8th grade all over again. The one friend I have is a man and he says just don't worry about it. I would be glad they don't talk to me. lol

Thank you for reading.

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AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 2:17PM UTC
I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I am a super respectful person, and was raised well respecting my bosses but I had an altercation with my former boss where I had to tell her “who was holding her accountable” when she tried to blame me (supervisor) for the team low productivity. When she started, she made changes that resulted on that, and I warned her and the director as they were both new in the department. My boss retaliated on staff who disagreed with her, so I knew it was going to be difficult to work together, (even after several reports to HR and supposedly being coached by her manager), so I went on LOA and resigned right after. The boss ended up being fired in April. Her poor management and performance became obvious after I left so I feel there was justice. Since you need the health insurance, I will stay as
much as you can tolerate the environment and relationship with her, which can be a difficult thing to do. hR may call you, or maybe not. Oftentimes, HR does nothing other than support the person with the highest tittle. It was my experience. Good luck and be healthy!
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 3:20PM UTC
Thank you for your advice and well wishes.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 2:20PM UTC
"I guess embarrassed her in front of her peers"
This is a kiss of death!
Few employees know how to manage their boss, let alone their career. The first rule of managing your boss/career is NEVER MAKE YOUR BOSS LOOK BAD!
It is not your place to call your boss out. Your job is to follow your manager's lead and do the best work possible.
My suggestion is to keep a very low profile and diligently do your work. Hopefully, this will soon blow over. (It's obvious that corp. is not taking this issue seriously, so neither should you.)
Moving forward, never argue with your boss! I have yet to see an employee, even in the right, argue with their boss and win in the long run.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 3:19PM UTC
Thank you for your response. Yes, I should have known better to not make her look bad.
I will certainly take your advice.
Mare LevineMay 10,2023 at 2:58PM UTC
I am very sorry to hear about your recent cancer diagnosis as well as your run-in with your manager. I know you already know you can't behave unprofessionally in the office again. I have never had any dust ups with my managers in 40 years--your saying you've had 'a few' already with a new manager is not a good look.
I am not a lawyer, nor am I an HR professional so please take my suggestion for the 2 cents it is worth.
This is definitely a tricky situation. What would you think about framing this situation to HR as "I was just diagnosed with cancer and when my manager slammed her door on me, I was overwhelmed and responded in kind"?
As I am sure other FGBers can tell you that discussing a health diagnosis with work can be a double-edged sword. Some workplaces respond positively and supportively, while others are negative. I don't know what would happen at your workplace.
My reasoning for disclosing is that 1) once you tell HR, they can't unhear it and pretend they don't know which means they have to think about being careful of being charged discrimination against Americans with Disabilities Act (https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla/workplace-protections-for-individuals-cancer#:~:text=employer%20notification%20requirements.-,Protections%20Against%20Discrimination,under%20federal%20or%20state%20laws.) and 2) you may be eligible for FMLA during your treatment and 3) HR/upper management may tell your boss to lay off of you. Once HR knows, you have a 9-year history as a long-term employee, and any punishment they take after the fact will tend to look like retribution for letting them know about your cancer.
Again, I always suggest discussing situations with an employment law specialist to know what your rights/options are.
Also, I agree with the advice from your male friend to stop giving others the power to upset you. If others in the office are acting childish, continue to act professional and ignore them. Remember that bullies continue being bullies as long as they see they have power over their victims. You have much more important things to deal with.
You should also continue to use that new laptop to job search so you have a plan B ready. Consider talking to your doctor/oncologist about local support groups and look online, too. Perhaps think about getting the support of a mental health professional, too. You can't have too much support when navigating cancer.
Wishing you the best!
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 3:18PM UTC
Thank you for your response. You have made a lot of good suggestions.
AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 10:37AM UTC
Help me understand how Basal cell skin cancer and ADA go with each other. This seems like a stretch.
Mare LevineMay 11,2023 at 6:19PM UTC
Hi! The poster had not shared what specifically her skin cancer diagnosis was when I responded. Thanks for checking.
AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 6:14PM UTC
You mirror my commentary as well and it's good advice. Own it and share the diagnosis with the company. If they are a good employer they will provide an accommodation for her and her situation and then she can address her own behavior separately and work with HR on how to navigate her managers issues. I wish her all good things as she goes through this complexity and think those who tell her to quit during treatment just have never had to deal with looking for work while ill. Not the right advice from them at all.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 3:33PM UTC
My advice to you is to follow Mare Levine's advice, but get ahead of it and speak with HR immediately. Set an appointment today for the upcoming days if you can. Bring documentation that this is an ongoing issue and speak of the tension that has come up and your leader's remarks that they are "deciding what to do with you." Wishing you healing and peace.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 4:06PM UTC
Thank you
Erica MitchellMay 10,2023 at 4:25PM UTC
You can't control someone else's poor communication, however, you can control how you communicate. No matter if someone is snippy with you, yells at you, etc.,if you remain professional and speak calmly, you will look better. Now, HR might say something like why did you continue the disagreement? Let them know her behavior knocked you off your square, so to speak, but take ownership for your part in the argument. Accountability goes a long way.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 5:35PM UTC
Thank you. I will definitely do this if HR is involved. So far, I have heard nothing.
ANDREA RAGGAMBIMay 10,2023 at 5:30PM UTC
Tough situation indeed.
Sorry to hear about your diagnosis too. It's certainly understandable and easy to get triggered by people and circumstances at work when we are going through a lot of change at once. My guess is, you just want to be yourself, be treated fairly and do your best. But sometimes we react out of a conflict in our values, as a result of high stress or because we make assumptions about what we think other people 'should know' and then don't ask for what we need. What's done is done so it's important to reflect on how you can move forward by taking responsibility for your part in the fall out and focusing on your wellbeing and the work in front of you to ensure you have peace of mind about the health coverage you need right now. This might just be one of those grow through what you go through moments in your life and a lesson you'll remember and hopefully use to your advantage there or a different company.
It does seem quite cliquey and immature to be singled out which indicates some fractures in the culture where you are. "Ideal" workplaces these days seem to be few and far between. So at this time, embrace what IS going well, focus on what you can control and prioritize your health and wellbeing outside the office. In time, this kerfuffle will pass and the right opportunity will present itself if you are putting positive energy and focus on the right things. Good Luck!
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 5:34PM UTC
Thank you for your response. This is very helpful.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 5:33PM UTC
So sorry you're dealing with so much right now.
Regarding the skin cancer diagnosis. If I could ask, which type of skin cancer is it? Was it already biopsied and diagnosed, or is this the "looks like skin cancer, let's biopsy it" stage before knowing if it's basal cell or melanoma. I ask because it matters moving forward as to how you proceed within your discussions with HR.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 8:33PM UTC
They did the Biopsy last week and they called me Monday to tell me they needed to cut more into my leg and some type of topical chemotherapy on my chest. It was basal cell. I have since stopped the tanning bed. I didn't know I had skin cancer when this all happened with my boss. It’s been building for months and months. Basically, she is a narcissist, and she has never done anything wrong. I have been under stress. I’m going through the empty nest, single mom, no help. I know that is not an excuse but her slamming the door ignited something in me and then her snarky remarks about me having to stay until 6 or so when I had plans with my daughter, I never see any more since she drives and works now.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 9:11PM UTC
While I'm sorry to hear about your basal cell diagnosis, it does not excuse the bad behavior.
Both you and your boss escalated with each other and it resulted in multiple dust-up's (your words) and it culminated in a disagreement and door slamming. Really bad look for both of you. And if other people witnessed it, even worse.
The difference between you and your boss is that she is the leader and you're the subordinate. She ultimately has the upper hand in this situation.
You asked how to handle, I'd do a few things.
-March into her office, accept full responsibility for yourself and your actions and express your sincere interest in repairing the relationship. Don't try to explain your side of the story again or win this argument. Take full ownership of yourself and your behavior.
-Detail the things you'll do to get your emotions under control to avoid these public displays in the future
-Report this incident to HR and ask for assistance
The other thing I'd start doing immediately is looking for another job. Based on your narrative, this position is likely coming to an end. If not now, then in the future. When you say details actions like silent treatment, being invisible, and follow up from corporate...your days are unfortunately numbered. You've been pegged as a problem employee.
To be clear, your boss set an awful example but you jumped right in with both feet and engaged with her. Your behavior was high risk and low reward. The odds are against you.
I'm not on board with another poster who suggested you use the basal cell diagnosis as an excuse for poor behavior. You bought and paid for your reaction and its biting you in the ass right now.
Please take immediate steps to find a new job, it is highly likely that this one is coming to and end. I'm sorry this is happening to you, please use the opportunity to reflect on different ways to manage your frustration in the workplace differently. Best of luck in your next steps.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 11:03PM UTC
Zero upvotes.
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 9:30PM UTC
Actually looks like pretty many upvotes
AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 4:29PM UTC
You are 100000% correct!
AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 2:09AM UTC
Sounds like she is an sociopath. I’m so sorry.
Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMay 11,2023 at 3:46AM UTC
THE POSTER WROTE: "Also, I was diagnosed with skin cancer Monday. I have to keep my insurance to see that through."
Can we get opinions from Benefits Specialists/HR folks on this?
I thought with the passage of the ACA that this would not be an issue.
Your thoughts?
AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 10:07PM UTC
ACA will cover preexisting issues but you may or may not have continuity of care with your current medical provider. It depends on if that dr/hospital etc will take ACA insurance. If she has to switch providers midstream her treatment could be delayed if she has a long wait to be seen. If she already has treatments set up with her current insurance/provider then it makes sense to stay.
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 2:43PM UTC
From my experience, this is the beginning of quite firing. I went thru it and it was terrible. Go now and report to HR immediately. Not always the remedy but better than not saying nothing at all and the only story they have is your supervisors!!!!
AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 4:28PM UTC
You are absolutely correct. They are planning on letting her go. First step is to write her up.
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 4:37PM UTC
Go speak to your HR person. First let them know about your medical situation and be sure you follow that up in writing. Let them know that last week you and she both raised your voices and it was a tough week getting that news. Let them know it will never happen again and that you did apologize to her about the situation. Tell them it is not how you ever want to speak again or be spoken to. Be sure you have a doctors note as well and ask for that to be put in your file. Ask the HR person to get you both in a room to work through the best path for remediation of the situation. As an aside you can send an email or have a meeting with the team and apologize to them for your part in the situation. If you feel comfortable telling them as well about your medical situation that is a good time to do this as well, if only to have them understand your stress. Contact an employment attorney that specializes in medical situations and talk them through the incident and your upcoming treatments. Good luck in your situation.
AnonymousMay 13,2023 at 7:12PM UTC
What does disclosing basal cell skin cancer have to do with this HR issue? The only goal of this would be for a “get out of jail free” card. Not a good ide.
AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 6:08PM UTC
Nothing but both situations are irrevocably intertwined and should be addressed. I do think the writer needs to know if she is being given an accommodation what would that look like and will that affect her if she is able to stay and is not on any list to be removed from her role. Both have to be addressed and unless you have experienced looking for work while dealing with cancer (I have and it sucked) then you can only weigh in so much about the stress and pain of doing that while trying to save your own life. It's fine to suggest that she does look for work but being in a role while dealing with medical issues could be easier for her than a new environment.
AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 12:52AM UTC
The OP must feel fortunate that basal cell has a 100% cure rate if it’s not spread to other sites.
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 7:32PM UTC
Speak to HR to report it and for advice before you lose your job. Check yourself before debating with anyone in a work environment especially your manager.
AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 11:49PM UTC
I agree. Speaking to HR would be a good idea. But, at the end of the day, HR does what managers ask HR to do. So, HR may only give an intermediate response. However, it is a step to show your side of the story.
AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 6:24PM UTC
Totally agree. My former manager had communication issues and retaliation problems that HR was aware of. Despite this, HR followed her recommendations and for that reason, I went on STD to heal and recover my sanity. Three months later, the manager was terminated.
AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 4:26PM UTC
Immediately file for disability. While you didn't scream, cuss or yell going by the words you used, you were insubordinate. Those other managers have told her that her report (you) humiliated her in front of her peers and if not quickly nipped in the bud would spiral out of control. She's not speaking to you because she's keeping an emotional distance from you because she knows what's coming down the pike. You mentioned you've had previous "dust ups" with her. You are either going to be written up or terminated. I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis of skin cancer. You need to lessen the stress in your life and take care of yourself. Please immediately file for disability which will at least (1) temporarily halt them from letting you go and (2) allow you a needed sanity break from the job while you heal. I would recommend that you work on improving your communication skills. Telling your manager that she never liked since she took the job is not a proper way to convey that there is a connectivity issue between you two.
Liz MilneMay 16,2023 at 1:45AM UTC
Ah, no - skin cancer aside (and I'm so sorry about that, I hope it's resolvable) your manager told you not to worry about it, she'd sort it - that's what she needs to do, even if she was reprimanded in turn by her supervisor (which is my guess) for acting like a spoilt child. She's just doing more of the same by ignoring you now - what she needs to be doing is proving to her superiors that she can manage her team. All of it!
AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 6:37PM UTC
That is kind of what I was thinking. I have dealt with Narcissists in the past and I am beginning to think she is one. She's always patting herself on the back and I think this just made her look bad. Narcissists hate that. I am the only one in this dept. with a degree and I think she feels threatened. Not that I want her job at all.