This week I had my work anniversary and at our team meeting, the team very sweetly acknowledged the occasion during the meeting.

54 Comments

1. Nicole DupuisApril 29,2022 at 8:58PM UTC

   This is a hard one. But it’s a matter of priorities. YOUR priorities. Which is most important to you? Doing what feels best for you and your relationship with the coworker or doing what keeps the peace. Sounds like for you it might be option A. And that’s ok as long as you keep a polite and respectful rapport. And you also have to be prepared and comfortable that this “thanks but no thanks” might not be received well.

2. AnonymousApril 29,2022 at 10:12PM UTC

   You’re so right. In the past I definitely was a keep the peace type of person. But that behavior only gives people license to escalate. And I have a temper and I don’t want to blow up the office dynamics. We’re a very small team. I figured it best to politely (and admittedly passive-aggressively) let her know, “I see you and the bs you’re pulling, appreciate the gesture but you can keep it. Either she’ll be more careful about her behavior going forward or, she’ll get a glimpse something else. Next week should be interesting. ?

3. Chriscodyc1May 2,2022 at 12:41PM UTC

   I know I am interested now to see how this plays out with the coworker this week/future.

4. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 2:07PM UTC

   Sounds like you're fueling the fire. You have a temper; perhaps, you are taking her actions the wrong way. She could be thinking why is this woman so difficult. I think there's likely alot of assumptions going on here. Have you ever considered talking to her? Be kind, stay positive. Try to see the best in ppl. ?

5. AnonymousApril 29,2022 at 10:55PM UTC

   You are completely correct to decline a gift from a colleague who appears to be making a target of you or one that “throws rocks to hide their hands.”

   Be kind, professional, don’t gossip, and stay out of the fray in associating with employees who bully at work.

6. AnonymousApril 30,2022 at 2:40PM UTC

   What you did was rude and will damage working relationships. The gift was expensive and thoughtful. It would not have hurt you to smile and give it to someone else if you did not want it. It is not clear from your post if the the person knows they are passive aggressive in their manner- or if they are just emotionally immature. Be the bigger person. If you really need to tackle the issue, a frank conversation is more honest and trust building than just refusing a warm gesture.

7. AnonymousApril 30,2022 at 4:37PM UTC

   Who says the gift was expensive or thoughtful?

   The OP may not have elaborated with examples, but that doesn't mean she doesn't recognize passive-aggressive behaviors, and is on no way obligated to accept it.

   The OP (and no one else for that matter) doesn't have to accept gifts from coworkers.

8. Philmac58April 30,2022 at 8:13PM UTC

   If a person’s daily behavior to a person is routinely disrespectful. Then why is it rude NOT to accept a gift. If you can’t manage basic courtesy and professionalism in the workplace, keep your extras. Don’t need them. I can get my own spa treatment.

9. Lisa MarieApril 30,2022 at 4:29PM UTC

   It's your choice. You know how she acts and how she makes you feel.

   There is no need to be hypocritical and take her gift. The same gift she gave to before. That says to me she is hinting that you need to address in your everyday life, whatever the spa service covers.

   That is definitely passive aggressive- since no one forgets when they purchases "spa services" for anyone.

   In a few days, you should have a frank conversation with her (with someone else present as witness for both of you), and ascertain her motivation for the same gift - twice.

10. AnonymousApril 30,2022 at 7:54PM UTC

    You were not wrong because you are absolutely right in your judgement of the situation.

    However, your mother's advice was sound. The question you should ask yourself when faced with scenarios like this is "will this action improve my situation or make it worse?" By you declining the gift opens pandoras box for possible worse treatment compared to when you last accepted the gift. Never show an aggressor your hands (as in a card game). Don't worry, I still have to remind my self this from time to time.

    Unfortunately these types of people exist in every work environment that requires interaction. Whenever someone says something offensive to you in a workplace, sometimes by you asking them to elaborate or explain further what they mean can be stifling to them and helps to deter that kind of behavior. Slowly repeat back what they said in the tone of a question and say; "can you explain, break down, or unpack that for me"? Play along and look puzzled.

    So the next time passive aggressive Patricia acts up, try that and see what she says. Most people who are intentional in their passive aggression, rarely ever fully think out or think through their offenses. So after a few times you have them tongue tied, they will realize they are just drawing more attention and consequently embarrassing them selves in the process.

    Learn their pattern and give it a try. Hope this helps.

11. Audrey KirschMay 1,2022 at 2:39PM UTC

    I think you did what you felt is right for you and there’s nothing wrong with that. Personally I feel that it was too personal a gift from a coworker. Birthday gifts, anniversary gifts are nice if that’s the work culture where you are but I don’t buy into that unless it’s someone I’m close friends with outside of work.

12. Maggie StoneMay 2,2022 at 12:50PM UTC

    I agree with Audrey that there is nothing wrong with making the choice that felt right for you.
    And I get why it felt wrong ( We are definitely not friends so why are you giving me a gift?). However, I probably would have accepted it since I accepted the first gift. Also, I would have been concerned that declining the gift would only exacerbate things. Sorry you are dealing with this good luck.

13. AnonymousMay 1,2022 at 7:11PM UTC

    You should have said thanks and then simply not used it or re-gifted it. She now as reason to be more antagonistic toward you.

    Declining a gift in almost any situation is a faux pas. Even if the sentiment behind it isn't sincere, it's still a socially acceptable action and implies the person is at least trying to follow low-cost (in terms of feelings) social norms. I can think of only a few gifts I'd turn down. A book on how to commit suicide maybe.

14. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 12:10PM UTC

    i would have declined the first gift certificate as it’s something too personal for a work gift. But having accepted the first one, it’s hard to decline the second.

15. Nina JohnsonMay 2,2022 at 12:36PM UTC

    One more way to look at this situation is to remember that everyone is the hero in their own story. You've been sensing passive-aggression from her, but she may have dysfunctional communication with everyone she interacts with. From her perspective, she may be wondering why everything she says to you doesn't land well. It's possible this is part of her personality and she thinks the problem is with you. Her gifts could be construed as efforts to smooth things over even though she doesn't realize it's her communication style that soured things in the first place. Not sure if trying a fresh perspective will help - workplace dynamics can be emotionally draining, especially with small teams.

16. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 1:59PM UTC

    Yes! I agree 100%. I couldn't of said that better. It could be how she interacts with everyone and she knows it. She could do nice things, such as, gift giving, as a nice gesture for putting up with her. I find ppl are who they are and sometimes, they just can't help it. They know it's terrible. Maybe she's trying to make up for it. ♡ I would've kept it.

    *Did you talk to other coworkers about the gift? Does she give this to other coworkers? Good luck.

17. BethBMay 2,2022 at 12:41PM UTC

    I’ve been looking at the responses and am taken aback that no one thinks a gift for a work anniversary is weird. Maybe a cup of coffee or lunch. A spa gift certificate? And what would be expected of you in return?

    there is a kinder way to handle it though than a text like that. You might want to elaborate. Something like I didn’t mean to be hurtful about the gift. Its too much, there’s no need for a gift for a work anniversary and it could set a bad precedent.

18. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 12:52PM UTC

    OMG same! I read this like "wait your team actually acknowledges your accomplishments AND you get gifts"??? I'd be lucky if anyone even said a 'hey congrats' in passing, I don't know what I would do if someone got me even a Starbucks gift card of $5 let alone a spa gift certificate? I would say sadly I do think you should have accepted as you said it's been a gift in the past and you accepted then, you already set the expectation but I also agree you shouldn't really be accepting gifts from your team in this instance, it seems like it already set up a very weird working relationship for them to be getting you gifts.

19. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 1:42PM UTC

    i thought the same. work anniversary gift? weird.

20. Madam anon663May 2,2022 at 1:01PM UTC

    That is a tough one, because you have accepted a gift from her in the past. I have never, ever accepted gifts from anyone at work because I don't want to be made to feel I have to reciprocate.

21. Melissa VerdoniMay 2,2022 at 1:19PM UTC

    if all the girls at work got me a gift certificate to the spa and payed 10$ each , yessss. ONE person you are not close with ??? weird. she should have asked others to chip in.

22. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 1:23PM UTC

    I feel declining would make the relationship even worse. A polite thank you would have been sufficient and if you really don't want it, regift to someone else.

23. Dawn McDonnellMay 2,2022 at 1:28PM UTC

    Gift giving & receiving can be interpreted differently by both parties. Good communication is key.

    Addressing this gift with a written text with a Thank-you but no Thank you could be perceived as a passive aggressive move in of itself as you did not face your team opponent openly , honestly & face to face. Perhaps this was an invitation to make things better. Anytime someone texts , emails, posts without seeing, hearing & using one’s senses - eye ball to eyeball in “ things” that “ mattter”

    you have to wonder ……….

    They have no courage

24. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 1:41PM UTC

    agree. I think this is a case of two people dancing around one another. they are fueling each other's fires. Texting isn't the way to go.

25. Jaqueline FoyMay 2,2022 at 1:34PM UTC

    I am a bit surprised by some of these responses and the lack of empathy. Your coworker's behavior towards you has not been professional or kind, which is an issue to begin with and one worth addressing with her. Also, the gift is beyond what is appropriate in a work setting, which is the second issue. It was a very personal gift and I suspect the value of it was excessive too. Moreover her gift made you uncomfortable (with good reason), which is the most relevant issue in this case. You are not required to accept a gift from anyone, although it may be considered "polite" to do so. Especially not when someone has not been professional/treated you well. Politely thanking someone for the gesture and declining the gift is absolutely reasonable, which it sounds like you did! I am having a hard time understanding why people are being so critical.

26. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

    wow, a gift of a spa treatment? That's a rather generous gift from a coworker. And you got the same thing for your birthday? I'm just musing about this, because I've never gotten more than a candle on my birthday and in my line of work, no one cares about work anniversaries. So...these are generous gifts (even if you don't like the gift or the person giving it). And honestly, I'm finding the whole gifting issue a bit odd. But I digress....As far as how you felt (rational) and how you reacted (I'm not sure how i feel about this)--Perhaps a better way to handle this, going forward, is to say: "I appreciate your thoughtfulness but please don't give me gifts. They aren't necessary at all". And leave it like that. This whole passive-aggressive issue can be stopped by a few polite boundaries, established by you. And, to be frank...I would privately say something about her offhand manner--just tell her that you have a hard time figuring what what she's trying to say to you (truth) and see if you can crack open that shell a bit. Weird situation...but difficult people require boundaries and no game playing.

27. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 1:53PM UTC

    That's a super generous gift. It makes me wonder if the way this coworker comes off to you at work may appear harsher to you than how she really intends. If you don't want the gift then no, you're not wrong saying no, but I probably would have accepted and if I didn't want to use it myself I would have regifted it to someone else who really needed it.

28. Valentina Huang, MBA, SHRM-CPMay 2,2022 at 1:53PM UTC

    Interesting. I can understand why one would decline the gift. And its done. So I would just move on.

    It also sounds like your co worker must either like you (in a professional capacity) or is gifting because they think its the 'right thing to do'. In any case, I would have accepted with thanks and then have a side bar with her to discuss your relationship. (I thought you didn't like me and yet you've surprised me with this amazing gift?)

    Is it possible all this time, it was just a misunderstanding? The fact that she gave you a gift should say something; and that might be worth a discussion. Otherwise, declining a gift may make this co-worker more... whatever she is already doing/behaving.

29. Stephanie BullockMay 2,2022 at 1:57PM UTC

    I don't understand the gift giving issue. I love to get people gifts. Nothing so elaborate as a spa treatment, but little trinkets I think someone may like. I don't expect or even want anything in return. Maybe she is just awkward like myself and gave you the gift as a way to show you that she really does appreciate you. She might just not be good at social interactions. I can't see someone buying a gift for someone to be vindictive in some way. Then again I find myself shocked at how many times I've thought people were nice when they are being vindictive. I also know that I can offend people somehow completely unknowingly. Maybe she is on the spectrum and just wants to be friends? I think you should accept the gift and that you shouldn't feel obligated to give gifts in return or in general unless you want to because you like to. I wish gift giving wasn't so stigmatized in the workplace, Some people just like giving gifts. Maybe that is her way of showing she does respect and appreciate you. She might just have a hard time expressing it in day to day interactions.

30. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 2:00PM UTC

    If you haven't used the first gift certificate-- invite your co-worker to share the 2 certificates and go together.
    Try to get to the bottom of her behavior. If I have to guess after many years in the workplace, whatever is eating at her, has nothing to do with you. And, at this time, say "let's leave gift-giving out of the workplace, it's very much appreciated, but not necessary and it makes me uncomfortable accepting or declining these gifts." Don't make mountains out of molehills and be truthful and upfront-- no game playing. You don't describe who this co-worker is frequently disrespectful toward-- but that is a management problem and if it truly bothers you and/or others-- it should be discussed professionally with the manager who should then address and resolve. There's no room in the workplace for "blatant" disrespect toward anyone.

31. Heidi RadmaneshMay 2,2022 at 2:24PM UTC

    love this advice

32. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 2:00PM UTC

    You don't describe your colleague's behaviors, though you characterize them as passive aggressive. Isn't your gesture of declining the gift also passive aggressive?

    Perhaps rather than interpreting her behavior and responding in kind, consider talking to her, starting with describing your observations of her behavior and how they make you feel. The books nonviolent communication and crucial conversations are wonderful resources.

33. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 2:12PM UTC

    Agreed! I learned a lot by reading the book Crucial Conversations.

34. Adedoyin BoladuroMay 2,2022 at 2:08PM UTC

    As human, we can never be 100% perfect we all have our short comings. She might have been a bad person to you and later realized her mistake and trying to make it up to you by starting with this gift card. Please accept it with love and learn to have a forgiving spirit. invite your friends and go enjoy the gift card together. Life is too short, make use of it as it comes.

35. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 2:11PM UTC

    I get it. My aunt experienced the same situation on a job where she was passed over for a promotion but they gave her a bouquet of roses. She threw them in the trash at the job.

36. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 6:04PM UTC

    That's terrible, she could have given the roses to a person in need, or who could have used the lift.
    You don't specify if the roses were given because she was passed up for the promotion, but I would find that hard to believe. In the trash is beyond disrespectful...

37. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 9:42PM UTC

    The roses were because she was passed over, as a way to soften the blow.

38. ellenpomerantzMay 2,2022 at 2:35PM UTC

    If your "company" traditional marks years of service for everyone regardless of their position that is an appropriate company action. Individual gifts from co-workers to mark work anniversaries are not necessary or appropriate. If you're not friends outside of work then keep the relationship professional.

39. Maria Paula CalvoMay 2,2022 at 3:01PM UTC

    If you are the manager of this person I may believe you have been having conversations with her to correct her missbehaviours since she started to be disrispectful to you and had agreed action plans for rectifying that, and have since then been trakcing progress... Should that be the case, her gift may be a way for her to thank you for helping her become a better team member... or she may have reflected on her own and noticed her poor actions and is trying to ask for forgiveness. In this scenario, accepting her gift would be kind from your side. We all have areas of opportunity that we need to work on! Personal relationships are key in every environment and are not always easy to build, maintain and handle.

40. Bradford McCormickMay 2,2022 at 3:27PM UTC

    You write that you wrote "a very polite text message". So you set a good example for this not good person. Keep up the good work! I strongly believing in being scrupulously polite to people who do not deserve it, both to set an example for them of how they could improve themselves and also because, as your posting indicates, they sometimes stab you in the back so you do not want to give them any unnecessary reason to cause trouble. Seems a fairly expensive gift? Maybe she was trying to tell you in a deniable way that in her opinion "you needed it"?

41. Grace BergeronMay 2,2022 at 3:44PM UTC

    You should ALWAYS accept a gift, no matter how dreadful the giver's actions are. Accept and do not use. You can always donate the gift to your local non-profit agency for their own fundraisers. If you accept a if, there is no hard and fast rule that states you must use said gift. Send a thank you email and be done. Good luck!

42. Melissa MauderMay 2,2022 at 4:08PM UTC

    I apologize I do not mean any disrespect but why should she compromise her being uncomfortable because they should "ALWAYS accept a gift?"

43. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 3:50PM UTC

    Sounds like you need to have a conversation with this coworker to clear the air. I am not sure if the issues you are feeling have been cleared, but it would serve your working relationship more to have a direct conversation. If you just call to turn down the gift she now thinks you're being passive aggressive and it continues the cycle. Just my thoughts. Polite confrontation is uncomfortable, but usually saves a lot of trouble on the other end.

44. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 3:58PM UTC

    Is this person only behaving like this towards you or others as well?
    Could something else be the cause of their passive-aggression other work/personal events unrelated to you? I’m not excusing their behavior but have you talked to this coworker to get to the bottom and clear the air? You may not be the only source/recipient of this behavior. If you don’t talk to them you may never understand what is really going on, it will help you get an answer but also them, they may not realize how they’re coming across.

45. AnonymousMay 2,2022 at 6:02PM UTC

    "Can we clear the air," has been a great phrase to get someone to take pause, listen, and learn, that they are behaving in a certain way... many people lack self-awareness...

46. Lori CasoMay 2,2022 at 4:26PM UTC

    Was this her way of amending things? I'm not sure that your "polite text message" is going to be received with positivity. Sounds like maybe there are passive-aggressive tendencies on both sides here... I'd have a frank discussion outside of work (coffee/lunch).

47. Erica MitchellMay 2,2022 at 4:45PM UTC

    If I were you I would have politely accepted the gift and then got together for coffee with her to get to know her and the possible reasons for her passive aggressive behavior. I'm willing to bet it has nothing to do with you.

48. GirlBossanova934974May 2,2022 at 5:09PM UTC

    Like many, I would have accepted the gift card and left it at that. I don't know. These days, we seem to be having a "respect contest" on a recurring basis in the office. Every word and every phrase is scrutinized etc.. Like many, I think there are just too many things to work on in a given day to give so much attention to intended or maybe not intended slights.

49. StefaniaMay 2,2022 at 5:41PM UTC

    I rarely come on here to comment, but saw this and felt COMPELLED to respond to you - because your feelings are VALID. If you feel any sort of way....discomfort, awkward, hurt etc...whether someone is doing something that is blatantly rude, hurtful, disrespectful etc....OR giving gifts, seemingly being nice etc....but they turn around and also also rude, disrespectful etc....IT SENDS mixed messages and personally I think it's a little odd. I do not think you were wrong for saying thanks but no. No one is under ANY obligation to accept ANYTHING from ANYONE in any circumstance. There's clearly a societal viewpoint that has taught us, ESPECIALLY WOMEN to just be polite no matter what and accept whatever comes our way. WELL NO - we don't have to, and whether it's a seemingly kind gesture or not - you don't have to accept if it makes you uncomfortable. I give you credit for standing up and sending a polite text message and declining. Maybe this act will be a good way to open the door to a conversation, as I do agree with some of the other posts here that suggest trying to have a convo with this person about the disrespect, and I think it would be totally fine to indicate that's why you felt odd accepting the GC, (because actions don't match words!) GOOD LUCK! <3

50. Bernadette M MartinezMay 2,2022 at 5:41PM UTC

    You did the right thing.
    Accepting it would just continue their games and nonsense. A kind of "you accepted the gift so I can be a jerk" type f thing.

    I don't accept gifts from those I feel are trying to be deceptive or that rub me the wrong way for any reason. I don't believe anyone should ever feel obligated to accept something from anyone for any reason, especially those I'm not friends with (or even friendly with at all). Sparing someone else's feeling of obligated pride or false nicety are not worth my own integrity and comfort in a situation like this.

    You do mention she gave you the same thing when you on friendlier terms. If you have the interest in doing so, perhaps try to speak with her about her more recent actions and their source. You should feel no obligation to do so, though. Really, IMO, she should be approaching you with an explanation and apology, particularly after your decline if this was her way of offering an olive branch.

51. Valerie RiegerMay 2,2022 at 6:07PM UTC

    I would probably have neither accepted nor declined the gift until I had the opportunity to talk with her. Maybe over coffee or lunch have a conversation with her about how you feel about her behavior and to clear the air. After that discussion then decide to accept or decline.

52. Shelby CMay 2,2022 at 7:04PM UTC

    I would have politely thanked her and later asked her to coffee or lunch - somewhere that is neutral territory where you can hear one another and actually listen.
    I would have told her how you feel and ask if there is anything that you can do to help the situation to start the dialog.

    I don't think returning the gift helps a relationship. One of my best friends gave me what I felt was a rather extravagant gift once and I attempted to decline it. It was a great lesson because things are different when they come from someone you love, trust, and admire. She looked at me in shock and said, "How dare you?" I asked what she meant and explained my reasoning again, she is a SAHM and her husband's a pastor and their son goes to private school. She sweetly said that while it was kind of me to take all of that into consideration, it was not my decision who or how she chooses to bless people and by turning away her gift, I was "stealing her blessing of giving." That is the ideal situation, no strings attached, which is how all things should be given. Unfortunately, it is not always that reality, but now I have a completely different mindset than I did before and I ended up with a really nice heirloom wedding ring because I married her BIL. I turned the necklace she gave me into a 3 carat ring! It is too bad it didn't work out with him, so I gifted the ring to someone else.

53. Nancy AntonMay 2,2022 at 7:44PM UTC

    Your response was passive aggressive but you didn’t see it that way. Maybe she doesn’t see her actions either.

54. AnonymousMay 20,2022 at 1:57PM UTC

    UPDATE; Its been three weeks since I posted this question.
    In that time, the office behavior has completely changed for the better. The main culprit didn’t acknowledge or try to discuss my refusal of the gift but behaves professionally and respectfully now, which is all I wanted. I have enough friends and was not looking for new ones. There were a lot of comments opining that I should “tell the person how I feel”. Let’s face it, if they really gave a darn, they wouldn’t have behaved that way in the first place. This wasn’t a one-time gaff, this was consistent, particularly when others on our team was present. I am not against a direct conversation when I know I won’t be wasting my time. That definitely would have been the case with this person. Sometimes you can show people better than you can tell them. And apparently showing this person worked.