So, 4 years ago, I was fired from a job I really liked.

Anonymous

April 9,2023 at 9:01PM UTC

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So, 4 years ago, I was fired from a job I really liked. I was good at it, got along with 90% of the people, and was in the top 5% seniority for my position. The management was very bad - you don’t think for yourself, don’t offer suggestions, don’t be overly efficient, you should spy on your coworkers, tell mgt when someone has a situation they can exploit. I wasn’t the person they wanted me to be. Finally, after downsizing my friends, there was a situation they could exploit, and I was fired. It was devastating - for my self esteem, my self respect, my ego, and work ethic. I was quickly hired at a small company in the same general field. But I was badly shaken and literally had to take baby steps to get back to a good work health. I am fine in my current job.

Then, a month ago one of my supervisors got angry with me. We previously gad a great working relationship, friendly, and I honestly thought I was doing a good job. However I did make a joke that landed poorly. I apologized profusely, but that was the end of my assistance for him. Fired from performing any work for him. It brought back all the terrible feelings. I know, I’m aware, that I should not have been so casual and joking with him. although I didn’t think it was worth ending the working relationship. I don’t need any lectures on that. No one is harder on myself than me. But, now that I feel this way, my whole vision on my job and work environment is different. And, I honestly cannot go through that whole feeling again. I Guess im not looking for advice. Or maybe I am, but I’m not sure for what. Just wanted to let it out.

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AnonymousApril 9,2023 at 10:00PM UTC
Have you considered therapy? It sounds like your trauma and triggers are still actively impacting you.
Therapy can help support your healing and teach you coping skills so your life can move forward.
Lori CasoApril 11,2023 at 12:13PM UTC
You may want to talk to a professional ( a lot of us do - there’s no shame involved here) to get your confidence back. Please keep in mind that it’s a job- it does not define you. You work to support what really matters… home, family, people you love.
ANDREA RAGGAMBIApril 11,2023 at 12:40PM UTC
I agree with Lori. We all make mistakes. If you have owned your part in what you did wrong the company should still create an environment of psychological safety for you. Though if you may be perceived as someone who isn’t creating an environmentally safe environment for others there could be resistance there from others. It’s never a bad idea to seek professional guidance and help to navigate your emotions and rebuild your confidence. Reflect about patterns of your behavior that maybe haven’t served you well and think about when you have had exceptional relationships at work. Get curious about whether you might be getting in your own way but give yourself grace and for sure, vent and get help. There’s nothing wrong with you and you deserve to feel good at work but it might take some self reflection and time. Definitely, try not to define yourself by these experiences. We beat ourselves up enough. Good luck!
AnonymousApril 11,2023 at 12:49PM UTC
Your first job sounds as if you were lucky to leave there! Trauma At it’s finest; I would suggest counseling. Good luck!
AnonymousApril 11,2023 at 1:16PM UTC
Don't take it too hard on you since you have already apologized ,give other person chance to recover from that, you could have hurt his/her ego. Even though how bad the situation might have been related to work it will be forgotten over time when it was not a too personal jibe which hurt their feelings.
AnonymousApril 11,2023 at 1:30PM UTC
It sounds like you went through a really traumatic experience that is still impacting you. Having a few sessions with a therapist could help you work through this and give you some coping mechanisms that would really help.
Maggie StoneApril 11,2023 at 1:32PM UTC
I am sorry you went through this, and I’m glad you found a better position. Losing a job involves a grieving process similar to losing a loved one. So give yourself space to grieve.
Kerry HoganApril 11,2023 at 2:00PM UTC
Please don't lose hope that you can still succeed at this new job, regardless of one mistake. You had a traumatic situation with your last job and any disruption now must feel overwhelming. Do what you can to repair your relationship with your boss. If it can't be fixed see if you can move to a different position, or even look elsewhere. More importantly you should talk to a therapist to help you get past your feelings about your last job and the situation you find yourself in now. You need to build your confidence up and realize you cannot control everything around you. You'll know in time what the next step should be.
AnonymousApril 11,2023 at 2:02PM UTC
I know everyone is saying therapy and when I worked in a toxic department I kept getting told therapy when I was looking for advice. I was ANNOYED!!! The truth is therapy is the answer.
Therapy can help you see more clearly into that toxic environment you were abruptly forced to leave so you can move away from it mentally. It can help you get out of your own way, stop being your own worst enemy and help you grow.
i think your current Supervisor is acting like a brat. We have all made mistakes, we have all put our foot in our mouths and it’s how we develop, learn and grow. If this supervisor is that quick to cut you off then buy your time and look at what else is out there.
Finding a new job is scary, it’s not easy and it takes time but be sure you are practicing self love and have self respect and know your worth.
AnonymousApril 11,2023 at 3:33PM UTC
Aww, big hugs to you. If I may, this sounds like PTSD, and you were re-wounded/re-triggered. It's okay as this is normal. What may help is to forgive yourself for what happened and to move forward with awareness as you are doing. Additionally, conventional therapy, yes, yet I would also add in components such as cranial sacral therapy, etc as emotions, shock, grief, etc get stuck in the body, and releasing this energy is a vital part of healing.
As for your current supervisor, I am going to say this. You made a mistake and then you apologized profusely. Things happen, yes, yet it is always what happens afterward that sets the tone. You did your part and owned up to your end. The fact that he is not able to acknowledge and accept it is his issue and frankly, his loss.
Laura BrennanApril 11,2023 at 3:33PM UTC
Yes to what everyone else has said, especially regarding therapy, but I would like to add that thought work was absolutely transformative for me.
There are three life coaches I recommend to start exploring, all with free resources:
1) Sally Hardie focuses on your nervous system and emotional regulation -- basically, tools to feel better when life goes sideways. Here's her research page, and I highly recommend signing up for her free monthly video. (Bonus! She has a British accent and is so soothing!) https://www.sallyhardie.com/resources
2) Kirsten Parker is a decision-making coach, and her podcast on how to make decisions you love is excellent. She has a recent episode on how to process making a mistake a work that might also be useful, but all her stuff is really good -- I found her 2-parter on Decision Fatigue to be immensely helpful. https://www.kirstenparker.com/blog
3) Finally, Kara Lowentheil is one of the first and the best podcasts on thought work. Start at the beginning, NOT with the most recent episodes, the early stuff is the juiciest as well as foundational. Here's an early one I go back to: https://unfuckyourbrain.com/creating-self-confidence-2/
Therapy, thought work, figuring out what you can and can't control in situations like these... all of this will help you in your current situation and moving forward. You've got this!
AnonymousApril 12,2023 at 10:27AM UTC
Thanks for these wonderful resources!
AnonymousApril 11,2023 at 6:01PM UTC
You definitely are aware of your behavior but please don't blame yourself completely. The first situation is surely an environmental one. Many people stick those out hoping they will change and then when they cannot either quit with damaged psyches or get fired. The second one you own the joke but obviously felt comfortable enough to joke with people. If you are no longer at the second company if it were me I would still write a note and try to repair the mistake by owning it and getting it firmly out of your system. Let him know you are working on some things and then you should get some help to figure out how to communicate in these types of situations. From either a coach or a mentor that can help you. You are NOT broken please give yourself the space to work through the difficult work environments you have been in. You don't say why he got angry but perhaps quick reaction to his behavior got to you?
AnonymousApril 11,2023 at 7:48PM UTC
Thank you all so much for commenting. I am currently in therapy, and she is basically saying the same things. It's his fault, his loss, his bad behavior - I need to make peace with it. It was definitely a trigger for the past job. The supervisor and I do joke around - we joke around about our work, my shortcomings, and his. Although, in talking with others, I believe in that moment maybe his ego was damaged. Maybe he was already having a bad day or whatever. But, he didn't have to completely cut me off - it was a harsh punishment considering I apologized and we had a good working foundation.
But, you all are right. It IS just a job and doesn't define me. I guess I was so upset because it was triggering. No one else seems bothered by any of my behavior (although that doesn't necessarily mean anything). I will tread lightly though. Lesson learned.
Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career CoachApril 12,2023 at 1:44AM UTC
Give yourself some credit here, you are really self-aware of what happened and are moving forward. That's tough to do.
It sounds like what would really help you is building your emotional resiliency.. letting yourself process what's going on and then utilize tools and methods to manage your emotions, especially with work situations. I can help you with this so you can show up feeling confident in yourself with ways to move on so you don't have to be so hard on yourself. Here's my link to schedule a time if you want to talk it through with someone I would have a conversation with your head of department and ask what they meant by that. Share with them that you are determined to excel here, and present a plan for how you are going to learn & contribute value. I can help you with this so you come across professional and confident, and make the best of your work situation so you can use it to further your career. Here's my link to set up a time : https://maeganmillercoaching.as.me/
AnonymousApril 12,2023 at 6:30PM UTC
My supervisor is a contract employee, so I'm hesitant to talk to the owner/boss about it. I'm not really sure what to say, especially if he doesn't know anything about it. And then I feel like I'd be drawing attention to it, unnecessarily. I wish I could talk to the supervisor about it, but he refuses to speak to me. Maybe that's the worst part about it; I'm just not sure if it was the joke or maybe that was the last straw in a line of other annoyances. I cannot make him talk to me, or even listen to me for that matter. I have tried after the apology, but he sent me away.
AmberApril 12,2023 at 4:28PM UTC
Sending you good vibes!! I still carry trauma from being fired 3 years ago and would have been a bawling mess after having your recent experience as well. I hope you’re able to get what you need to get past it.
MislynApril 13,2023 at 4:51PM UTC
I overheard my boss tell an ex employee he needed to find someone new for my position while I was still working there. That will get you in the gut for sure. Here the whole time I thought I was irreplaceable to him. We were the perfect pair and enjoyed our days working together. He always told me what a major asset I was to the company and that I made his life easier. I was so in shock I almost lost my mind. I loved that job until then. From then on out I started looking for a new job and hinted to him I was not happy there any longer. He just ignored everything and let on like nothing was wrong. I still to this day feel like I was gut punched because I guess he led me on and gave me false hope for my future. It’s hard but I’m in a new job and I’m getting over it more every day.
AnonymousApril 18,2023 at 12:43AM UTC
Omg, that’s terrible! But, yes, I can totally relate to feeling like you have that great foundation and relationship. I’m waffling between staying there and trying to get over it and moving to a new job. It’s so hard to leave my comfort zone.
MislynApril 18,2023 at 9:02PM UTC
Oh It was awful leaving your comfort zone is hard but when your family life and marriage is destroyed over it that makes it even harder. All my time was demanded by that job. I did everything there to find out that my boss thought I was worthless and replaceable. He will realize what an asset I was to that company and now when people ask me about the company I don’t sugar coat a thing. I tell them exactly how I feel about the owner and company. If he can screw you he will.