I work in a very male dominated business and my boss who I work for is an engineer and he’s a very smart.

16 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 7,2024 at 1:03PM UTC

   Sounds like your boss didn’t like you taking over. My advice? Find another job where your skills are a great match and your environment supports women.

2. AnonymousSeptember 7,2024 at 2:11PM UTC

   Sounds like a no win situation if you're not able to fulfill his requests without soliciting assistance and he is unwolling to allow you the freedom to do so.

   Review your job description with him and ask him if he might have a different impression of your skill set. Ask him what his expectations are of you.

   Check how you are communicating so you are garnering support and not alienating the engineers. Did one of them complain to your boss that you told them they needed to complete a particular job? Maybe it was in your delivery of the request... Just food for thought since your boss reacted in the way he did to you.

   Absolutely agree that you should talk on the phone or face to face whether that be via Zoom or in person.

   Best of luck.... perhaps time to spiff up your resume and start looking for a better fit if this doesn’t work out for you.

3. AnonymousSeptember 7,2024 at 4:52PM UTC

   Upon return sit him down. Explain to him that you would like to understand how he wants to direct work to you when you have things you have not ever done before, and who to go to when you have questions. Create a template for this if possible so that there are not any issues moving forward. Reiterate things in writing after those meetings and then you can be sure you are aligned. Next, explain to him that you are there to work and your emotions are not involved at all. This to me does seem like a gaslighting move on his part or mansplaining how a woman should or might feel. Let him know that you are okay with corrective action and then explicitly tell him how you can take that from him- what format and what type. It's all about setting expectations with each other. If you cannot solve this directly perhaps bring your HR rep into the discussion to help you navigate this in a positive productive way. A good HR person should be willing to do this. His personal issues may be causing him to lash out and that while inappropriate has zero to do with you.

4. Dawn McDonnellSeptember 8,2024 at 11:27AM UTC

   My advice having worked with men

   real men. Having two sons is keep it simple. Less words for you is better. Don’t get into his trap saying “ women are emotional”
   This my friend is a power play and MEN and WOMEN do not think the same we offer different gifts to the table. Do some research on the psych of men in business . Intelligence comes in all forms. EQ and IQ so try not to get all twisted up with the brains.
   BTW study how engineers “ think”
   They are not the be all end all & it takes a team.
   This is psychological. Think bout it
   “ He’s the one out,
   Less is more. Keep all emails very strategic and simple. Y?
   everything u say and do in life can be used in a court of law and interpreted from someone else’s POV.
   Good luck

5. AnonymousSeptember 8,2024 at 11:24PM UTC

   You need to take care of yourself. Engineers are controlling in my experience and do not value subordinates...

6. AnonymousSeptember 10,2024 at 12:52PM UTC

   Engineers are not all controlling-- detail oriented yes (necessary!), but "controlling" is another matter not limited to profession.

   My life is surrounded by engineers and "controlling" is not a word that fits them. And hey they are often subordinates themseves.

   Avoid name-calling entire groups of people or professions, thank you.

7. GirlBossanova934974September 9,2024 at 12:21PM UTC

   As a long time engineer in several disciplines and several years of Federal Government contracting officer experience, I think I can speak to this one. Your boss has a serious communication problem. I think someone saw him as a great individual performer and just snapped their finger and put him into a management job. Not a good idea. SO HOW DO YOU fix the problem you are in? Please sit down with him in his office and go through each task as it is handed out. GO through each of the subtasks and make sure you understand everything. If it takes 2 meetings or more to comprehend what you need to do, SO BE IT! I would leave the contractor management to your boss. LET HIM take the FALL when deliverables are late and/or not what up to spec.. He can deal with his own communication problem and pay the freight for it.

8. AnonymousSeptember 9,2024 at 12:23PM UTC

   Your post does not make sense to me. You are on an engineering team but not an engineer. What is your role? Are you an administrator or technical writer, then? Why are they asking you to do engineering tasks if you are not an engineer? I suspect one of the engineers you prodded to get the work done got his panties twisted. Engineers, in my experience, have a very systematic way of doing things and being told by someone who is not an engineer how to do their job is likely to do this. Before your boss left, did he leave clear instructions about what needed to be done by the time he returned? If not, the failing was his, not yours. Did he notify others that you would coordinate things while he was out? If not, the failing was his, not yours. Unless you were overstepping by trying to coordinate the project completion, I suspect one of the engineers emailed or called the boss and complained.

9. AnonymousSeptember 9,2024 at 1:08PM UTC

   Be careful when it comes to liking your boss. Even if you have a great opinion about him and you are very loyal there is no place for emotional bonding. Because this will only lead to that you don't see his behaviour clearly and won't be able to judge it right.

   It's important to be able to distinguish between case a) and b).

   a) A misunderstanding: if this is the single and first situation you experience that your boss is misunderstanding your intentions and your actions because of his absence in the office then talk to him 1:1 (no more emails) and explain what really happened. Emails really don't help clarify things when there is already a misconception there. And in your case there is. Writing another email will only make it worse.

   b) Bossing: if this is something that already happened before - as you describe that he gets angry every time you ask for help - then this is not a misunderstanding due to miscommunication but a pattern. I have seen this pattern of projecting negative traits onto one person and this can become very ugly. Bossing is what follows next. Your mental health may suffer damage in the long run, like developing a complex PTST.

   Start to document every conversation between you and your boss, save these emails. Update your resume. Just in case.

   I was in a similar position in my last workplace. I worked just like you for a boss who was "too intelligent" but overly sensitive and controlling and I was very loyal to him. It began with small gaslighting situations where he would blame me of something that went wrong or would feel offended by me setting boundaries on workload. I tried to clarify what really happened, he apologised but it would continue. It was getting on my nerves and I was irritated. Gradually it was getting worse and worse, he made me feel inferior, stupid and useless. But because I was loyal, I would suffer and at the same time try to understand and defend his behavior and blame myself. Even in conversations with him I would stress that it was my fault. It didn't get better.

   I finally quit after having developed multiple mental health issues. In afterwards, I see that he wasn't content that I was recruited for that role in the first place and that he had some personal issues when it came to me. Whatever the reasons for his behaviour were (thinking that I was too stupid for the role; beings envious on my popularity in the office or not being able to handle my boundaries) it was a personal conflict and I believe that he hated everything about me. It wasn't visible from the beginning but it became obvious.

   So don't fool yourself for too long. Try to distinguish what this is really about. And have a plan B at hand. Our job shouldn't make our lives miserable.

10. AnonymousSeptember 9,2024 at 3:41PM UTC

    I don't know if the OP shares your sentiment. She's detailing here that her boss,a male, is being very manipulative and controlling. Not exactly an ideal situation.

11. AnonymousSeptember 9,2024 at 4:52PM UTC

    I couldn't agree with you more. My boss is male, and he is so hands-off that sometimes I have to remind him that I need approval for something. My last two bosses were female, micro-managing b*tches.

12. AnonymousSeptember 9,2024 at 5:32PM UTC

    Wow that's quite a statement and incredibly misogynistic. Way to be a positive, supportive woman for other women. Just really a horrible way to be but at least you put your name on it so other women know exactly who you are and can avoid you in the future.

    Just horrible.

13. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachSeptember 10,2024 at 12:48PM UTC

    This is a bit confusing. On the one hand you say you are not nearly as clever as your boss, so have a hard time understanding what he wants, and on the other hand you are upset that he says you did not understand a situation and, if I'm interpretting correctly, stepped outside the boundaries of your role.

    What is your role vis-a-vis engineering? It sounds like you absolutely should not be attempting to do engineering tasks- now that doesn't mean you can't manage workflow.

    So, did you understand correctly what needed to be done to move the project forward, and was it in your purview to take action?

    If the answers to both are "yes" then your boss may be in the wrong here. If however either answer is no then you stepped beyond your role.

    In organizations, conflicts often emerge over role confusion and communication problems- it sounds like that is the case here. When he is back, ask him to sit down for a discussion on what your role is, and where the boundaries are-- clearly you are not on the same page and it will help you to understand his expectations. And perhaps you can share what you perceive your own limitations are versus his expectations.

    Also, is there a chance you are in a job that is beyond your skill set? If so, consider moving on. Sometimes, jobs are not the right fit.

14. Cynthia Armistead NewmanSeptember 10,2024 at 2:03PM UTC

    It sounds like there are a couple of different things going on here. This isn't about your boss being an engineer or a man (mostly) but about differing communication styles.

    What's your role on this team? What's your technical background? Have you made an effort to gain whatever knowledge and skills you need to do the tasks your manager expects of you?

    I am an "engineer" in terms of title and responsibilities, but I don't have the education most engineers have. I grew into my role, and sometimes, there are gaps in my knowledge. When I find one, I sit down with one of the more traditional engineers to identify the "edges" of the gap, and then I find a way to educate myself. Is it possible for you to do something like that?

    Second, the whole "women are more emotional" thing is sexist BS. I would definitely make a record of that remark in case you have to speak with HR.

    Many people believe it as if it were a scientifically established fact that women are more emotional than men and men are more logical than women, but it's nonsense. Women are socialized to pay more attention to everyone's emotions and (usually) to be more in touch with their own emotions. Men are generally socialized to stifle any feeling but anger, which they often don't identify as an emotion! That leads to communication problems wherein women are accused of being "too emotional" whenever they do something a man doesn't anticipate or doesn't like.

    Explaining your thought process to your manager may be necessary to show him that you are being perfectly logical.

    Finally, this position may simply be a bad fit. Would it be possible to transfer elsewhere within your organization?

15. AnonymousSeptember 10,2024 at 2:15PM UTC

    Great points on the socialization of men and women and how that can play out regarding communication.

16. AnonymousSeptember 17,2024 at 10:28PM UTC

    I searched your email to see if there was something he said that indicated you were in charge. I didn’t see it.

    I would have stayed in my own lane. No offense.