Hi, I need some advice. My dream position has turned into a nightmare.

26 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 4:36PM UTC

   Since you want to remain exactly where you are and since crying everyday is not enough to convince you to make a move, I suggest you accept the status quo and realize that your career will suffer as will you.

   So what can you change? You can change your personal life. Build a wonderfully fulfilled personal life. Volunteer and network and be of service so you get fulfillment and experience success. You can love and support your family and friends to balance the toxicity you are choosing to deal with at work.

   Finally you can work to relieve your stress and practice gratitude in your life.

   Asking for another manager, going to HR, or any other employer based action will likely result in more frustration and trauma. As you stated, this manager has driven out others before you. They are supported and rewarded and allowed to behave as they are. You are one in a line of others driven out. So see the writing on the wall.

   Control you and your life and do your best to get through the workdays and deliver your best work.

2. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 11:42PM UTC

   Thank you for taking the time to respond.

   Everyday I am thankful and practice gratitude for my life, my loved ones, even this stressful job.

   I definitely see the writing on the wall, I just wanted to see if there was a way to change it.

   Realistically, I understand that my time is limited. No matter the impact I deliver, there will be something wrong.

   Once I get something lined up, I will try the route of another Manager.

3. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 6:04PM UTC

   I went through something similar at a FAANG company.

   Because I wasn't showing enough impact, I could not move orgs (or apply even).

   Because my manager was sabotaging me, I could not show impact.

   In my case, the manager had a friend at my level they were trying to get promoted, so her friend was taking credit for MY impact and I was being gaslit and treated badly.

   I also found out through the grapevine that my manager was notorious for picking a favorite but since my skip-level didn't seem to care, I was stuck.

   I ended up leaving and moving on. It was also my dream job but the cost to my mental health wasn't worth it.

   My realistic advice is to look for another job. Then, if you have another job in your pocket you can ask for another manager to take you on.

   Because the higher-ups know this manager is trouble and they have NOT taken action. As soon as you cause 'trouble' by asking for a safe working environment, you have to be prepared for worse things to happen.

   The other thing that you can do is to target managers that you would like to work with and find a way to to work with them if you can. That may make it easier to ask to move to their supervision. If you are at a Big Tech like I was there are a lot of managers doing pretty much the same role, so it seems possible.

   Unfortunately, what you are experiencing is sometimes the brutal politics of Big Tech. And it has nothing to do with your actual worth.

   It is really just about people grabbing for scraps to prove their own importance at your expense.

4. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 11:35PM UTC

   Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

   I’m sorry you had a similar experience. It is crazy to me that this behavior is tolerated, especially when these companies boast about their amazing work cultures and stress the importance of psychological safety. I am at a point where my mental health has been impacted because of this. I was even questioning if I’m smart or skilled enough for this position - do I really belong here.

   I have started to look, the market isn’t great right now. I like the idea of asking for a different Manager and will explore this next week.

   Working in Big Tech was one of my career goals. It’s unfortunate this has happened.

5. AnonymousAugust 24,2024 at 2:16AM UTC

   For the record, you ARE smart enough and worthy to be there. In fact, you are smart enough and worthy enough that you have become someone that a middling person feels the need to take down. But, I get it. It is impossible to see when you are in the storm that you are not the problem. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I wish people who were staking their careers on being political cared or understood how hurtful it was to be the one they are tearing down.

6. AnonymousAugust 24,2024 at 1:33PM UTC

   I agree with the previous person's comment that you have to start to search for a new job or consider talking to other managers. It's crucial that you do everything in order to change your situation. ASAP.

   I experienced almost exactly the same situation although in another sector.

   Like you, I experienced gaslighting as well. And the tone in 1:1 meetings was always negative, blaming me for mistakes that has been done by others.

   Like you, I became extremely self-conscious. I developed a sleep disorder and anxiety around my boss. So after a while my performance and my mental health really were disastrous.

   I wanted to move to another position but at the same time I was lacking energy to change anything.

   Addressing issues didn't help either. For a while, I believed in possibility that managing-up would be the solution but it backfired.

   So finally I was able to find a new position and I quit. But I wasn't relieved. I believe that I was trauma-bonded to this workplace, that's why it was so hard to go. And like you, at the beginning I believed that this was a dream job because it had a good reputation.

   But even at the end I experienced a very immature boss's behaviour towards me that left me doubting my worth. After quitting, my self-esteem was at the lowest.

   In hindsight, I can say that I stayed a year too long in this position. I understood that my former boss had narcissistic traits and felt somehow threatened by me (maybe because I was everybody's darling in the team). In some aspects I was even more experienced. He couldn't handle that. But it could be anything that had made him feel inferior.

   I learned that narcissistic bosses see people in 3 categories: as useful, useless or as a threat. I was balancing between being useful and overwhelmed and being a threat and a target. There was a tiny line between being useful and a threat in my case. A tiny line that was impossible to balance. Later when I was feeling really down, I became simply "useless": now he had the evidence at hand for everyone to see.

   Back to you: Your manager sees you possibly as a threat and that's why he treats you this way. In some way he believes that you are superior. At the same time he tries to convince you that you are useless, undermining your self-confidence, until you begin to believe him and start making mistakes. The goal is to feel less inferior around you by destroying you. That's what they do to get rid of people. And often this person is not even aware. That's why adressing this behaviour in 1:1 doesn't really work.

   You say, that people in the past experienced similar situation. Well, this is a huge red flag. In my case, it was the same.

   Chances are that you cannot change this dynamic. I have tried and failed. Continuing to work for this manager will break you down (since you say that you cry every day and that your days are unbearable).

   So, say goodbye to the idea that this is your dream job. It had the potential to become your dream job but with a manager from hell it isn't. This is hard to hear but it's the way it is (I was struggling with this part as well). Moreover, if you continue to believe that this is your dream job then your are going to believe that it's your fault that you don't feel well. And that's simply not the truth.

   Don't let them destroy you.

   Good luck!

7. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluAugust 24,2024 at 2:47PM UTC

   Get into the habit of confirming/documenting important discussions around assigned tasks and project targets and deadlines in summary emails. Keep the tone professional, and always thank the manager for the opportunity to partner/collaborate on the endeavor at hand. Follow up the emails with updates which act as productivity trackers, and also serve as confirmation that you are progressing as discussed in earlier conversations.

   When your manager begins to berate you for not meeting expectations and the like, advocate for yourself by countering their false narrative, respectfully, and forward the email trail to buttress your argument.

   It may seem tedious and burdensome, but this practice shall serve as reminders that you are the consummate professional, you've met your benchmarks, and that you are not to be toyed with.

8. AnonymousAugust 24,2024 at 10:19PM UTC

   It is easier to find another job than fire a toxic manager. This copnay is more than aware who the problem is.

   With 20 years in the field, use that network to find a new job.

9. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 12:15PM UTC

   Wow if I didn’t know better I would think I wrote this - I just quit a position in technology for one of the biggest companies and it was exactly like what you describe - I decided that I wasn’t going to accept ruining my professional brand for a disreputable manager and a company that supports their receipt to the clients. I got another role with a company that is more mindful of their employees without lying to their clients just to preserve their contract. No job is worth our pain and suffering - you are talented and can find something so much better - best of luck!

10. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 12:29PM UTC

    I just went through this.

    My former boss was a complete narcissist, would do everything that you describe. It was also my dream job. My therapist confirmed it was abuse and I had experienced actual trauma from it. It's been very difficult to heal especially since I've been left wondering why me? Why are other people ok with what happened to me?

    HR did very little to help the situation purely because his boss, the VP/GM wanted him to continue in the role for whatever reason. Just refuses to remove him despite the product line losing money and not meeting financial goals. The toxicity runs deep.

    In the end I was retaliated against and forced out. Yes. They can force you out of jobs you are performing well in, just because they dislike people pushing back. This is how narcissism destroys workplaces. Additionally every person who tried to help me also experienced retaliation. Direct reports taken away, hours reduced, a promotion refused.

    There's nothing that can be done for you unfortunately. You have to leave the job because it will only get worse. Your boss is allowed to get away with this purely because someone higher up likes him. And that's it. It is a very sad state of affairs that people can get away with doing this to other people, but until laws are passed that's just the way it is. It's unfair. But for your mental health, I urge you to do the bare minimum at work and spend most of your hours looking for another job. Narcissistic abuse is one of the worst experiences, and if you continue in this job it will only get worse.

11. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 12:49PM UTC

    Additionally I'd recommend you leave the company. If you don't this person will likely badmouth you to your next manager and your opportunities will be permanently limited. You need to be somewhere where this person won't follow.

12. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 5:34PM UTC

    Unfortunately, I second this…. Currently going through it too…. Your manager will give you an unjustified/baseless bad evaluation just so you can’t get promoted to another job within the company. They will force you out. Proceed with a union if you can, file a grievance and contact EEOC. Unless you go to your company’s OIG department, do NOT go to HR, they will not help you.

13. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 2:02PM UTC

    Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about this. This boss either performs well and generates a lot of revenue, or the company doesn't care how he treats his employees as long as he continues to perform. In my career, I have had many of them, and you can only wait until he trips up or is promoted/moved to another department. Your only option is if you have some way to substantially prove that his behavior targets you because of some protected bias. This, however, is a tough road to go down with a lot more downside than upside, especially since they have been protecting him for a while.

14. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 5:02PM UTC

    If you are moved to tears daily you are in an abusive workplace and need to speak to an attorney about your options. You could file a complaint to the EEOC for hostile workplace or speak to your HRBP about this and take all of your notes. Bring in someone from the legal dept ( i assume they have someone that is in legal that is specialist in HR matters) document everything. If you plan on staying in the company ask for them to move you under someone else instead. Let them know you are committed to the company and it's not about money or leaving or getting a package but you can no longer tolerate personal abuse. Do this after speaking to the attorney who should guide you on internal communications.

15. Elizabyth HarringtonAugust 25,2024 at 7:02PM UTC

    Yes I have. My advice: leave and don’t look back. Tech layoffs are a feature, not a bug and the first to go are the ones pegged as problems by their immediate supervisors (whether it’s true or not). Take control of your career and get out before your esteem and soul are utterly crushed.

16. AnonymousAugust 26,2024 at 12:25PM UTC

    This is a management style that has not been given enough of a definition yet - it’s loosely called bullying or narcissist but I suspect it’s something more defined than that.

    Maybe it’s cultural. I think it’s learned. I think it’s more common in marketing and HR roles. And I think that certain personality types are more likely to emulate it. I think it’s also more common in people who feel they worked “really hard to get to where they are” seeing that game played - and it is all they know.

    The fact you’ve been in this company for so long and this is your first time experiencing such a dynamic is extremely lucky. We all get our turn to deal with the insecure “mean girl” manager. The one who hoards information and moves the goal posts daily. The one who undermines our skills and experiences because she lacks that skill and experience. It’s the logical outcome of “fake it till you make it”, misguided HR policies and ultimately you will not change this manager - you are a threat to her full stop.

    My advice is to decide what you can live with. How long can you tolerate being treated poorly? Are there option to move inside your company? Otherwise - find ways to limit contact with her. You don’t have a manager you have an enemy. Keep her on a need to know basis. Give her summaries of your work at regular and reliable intervals and find the sweet spot for her bird brain (yes she’s likely bad at time management and not very bright) to process. Put her to sleep with reliability so she can focus her ire on someone else. And get the hell out as soon as you are comfortable doing it.

17. Alley KeosheyanAugust 27,2024 at 12:56PM UTC

    No one is going to make this person change, especially if they are making money for the company. Believe me, I've been there and done that. The only solution, for me anyway, was to find another job.

18. AnonymousAugust 27,2024 at 1:04PM UTC

    before making up your mind to leave try these options - do skip level with your manager's manager and indirectly share your feedback to see how do they react. If you think they are not in your favor then try to report to the HR. If they are unhelpful then try to switch to another team. If that doesn't work then start looking outside. Been there done that too hence sharing my advice. In the meantime, stay string and surround yourself with people who believe in you.

19. ElizabethAugust 27,2024 at 1:17PM UTC

    Are you provided with or are you following up the negative meetings with emails addressing what was discussed and the plan for improvement, including the goals set to meet? When she assigns you something and you take a note, are you sending a recap email of the discussion so it's in writing for her to dispute or accept/ignore? (Which is legally the same thing if it's a regularly used email I understand).

    I have a boss who changes what my priorities are every week and the notes work for me when I remind him. But in your case I suggest the emails, even if she asks you not to send them because "it's important that I am clear on your expectations of me and that I meet them". Then you have a paper trail as she changes them or denies it was said in front of others. And that includes threats, ask her to put them in writing That will either stop her attitude, or give you ammunition to take to HR or leadership above her to ask for a remedy. Believe me, they would rather get rid of her or give you a GLOWING review for a better job that may be a better fit as a dream! So you don't sue them for not stopping the hostile environment lol.

20. AnonymousAugust 27,2024 at 1:31PM UTC

    You have three options, take it leave it change it. It looks like taking it will lead to you being forced out. Change it is 1 percent chance because this happened before, your best bet is to spend every minute every time looking for a new job internal and external do it now don’t have sense of urgency because you will be forced out. It’s a matter of time. Do not waste your precious time on emails documentations escalations HR. None of that is going to help change your situation, It’s only going to waste your precious time that you can use to find a new job. My two cents.

21. AnonymousAugust 27,2024 at 1:55PM UTC

    If you are on TikTok, search for Veronika's workplace (Veronika with a "k"). She is a dedicated worker in a support role and stands her ground against anyone, especially management. Despite being a third of my age, I feel empowered seeing how she advocates for herself. I have much to learn from her and truly enjoy her TikToks.

    Your situation seems to be filled with negativity, and I'm sorry you are experiencing this daily. Please prioritize your well-being and health. I encourage you to reflect on whether you are making yourself a priority. Consider placing a reminder, such as a note on your computer or desk that says, "Remember how good it feels to take care of yourself." It may sound cliché, but it can be quite effective.

22. KathyAugust 27,2024 at 1:56PM UTC

    Your manager sounds like a bully. You've been targeted.

    I had a similar experience in tech. I have a significant number of years of experience. The environment was extremely toxic. The people were extremely toxic. I lived in place with limited employment opportunities and despite my best efforts could not find a position at another company either onsite or remote.

    I doubt there is anything you can do to save your current position unless it's possible to change jobs under a new manager.

    I was laid off when the company experienced a downturn.

    Start looking for another position while you are still employed.

    Good luck.

23. Marcia SmithAugust 27,2024 at 2:00PM UTC

    I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but I just don't see how the situation will improve - until you leave. Take advantage of all the resources you have - healthcare insurance the provides therapy - and EAP - and anything else that the company might provide.

    You cannot change what you cannot control...... Take control of your career and move to a position that is not toxic.

24. ARBAugust 27,2024 at 2:10PM UTC

    I feel bad for you. This sounds like a nightmare. This is what I have learned the hard way about trying to stay with it and work around it. You were given the biggest clue by your mentor who said your manager's behavior is known (and tolerated and therefore accepted as ok.) Knowing this, you now know upper management does not have a problem with her. You cannot fight city hall. Even if you win, you will be marked by upper management as someone who upsets things and you most likely will never get promoted because you won't be seen as part of the team. It's fraternity mentality- like you couldn't take the hazing. Bad managers stay in place because upper management condones their poor behavior. This practice rarely changes. Find another place to work, you seem like a very conscientious employee.

25. Kathleen BruckbauerAugust 27,2024 at 2:27PM UTC

    Has it been more than 6 months? I try to wait 6 months in a new role before making any solid decision ... Can you look for a new role within the same orgnanization?

26. Evelyn ThomasAugust 27,2024 at 11:48PM UTC

    you must do everything you can do to leave.