Should I relocate?

13 Comments

1. AnonymousOctober 7,2021 at 2:12PM UTC

   I say DO IT! Everything about the job itself seems like a win. When life presents you opportunities, go for it! You do not want to regret it later down the road and I'm sure your family will be EXTREMELY supportive.

2. Lorna Rose, J.D., M.S.October 7,2021 at 2:25PM UTC

   I was glad I relocated to a whole new timezone after law school, because that was exactly right for me at the time. Not only was I relocating for a job that I really wanted, but I was also looking for a change of scenery, upgraded quality of life, and a new opportunity to keep building the life that I ultimately wanted for myself. Of course, I've only ever been responsible for myself and two travel-happy Chihuahuas :)

   My advice for this kind of situation would be to rank my priorities and then figure out which option best meets my needs. Based on your post, here are some things I would be considering:

   - What are the schools like in the new area? Do either of your children have specific educational needs? What recreational activities are available for them to enroll in?
   - What's that 4-hour commute back home look like (straight shot across the thruway that makes 4 hours feel like 2, or a bunch of backroads that can make 4 hours seem like 6)? How often do you see your parents now, and would you be ok with a change to that schedule? Would you be losing a vital resource like childcare by moving 4 hours away?
   - What is your network like now, and what do you appreciate most about it (i.e., you have your weekly happy hour group of friends, your mom-friends, etc)? What kinds of quality-of-life resources are in your new area (i.e., parks, shopping malls, nightlife, restaurants, sports, etc)?

   There's a lot to take into consideration, but what a great problem to have, right?! Congrats on the offer!

3. Jacqueline CutlerOctober 7,2021 at 2:36PM UTC

   I have relocated, cross-country, a couple of times. And, I did leave support systems, so I do understand.

   From my perspective, it sounds worth taking the job. The pluses you laid out are huge, and laying a secure financial foundation for your children is crucial.

   My kids are the same age spread and while I didn't know anyone when I moved to my town, through their schools and synagogue I made friends. You will find babysitters, pediatricians, etc. that way.

   While four hours is a lot, it's a doable drive so if you left for your folks on a Friday after work, you could see them for the weekend.

   Personally, I would take it.

4. AnonymousOctober 7,2021 at 2:44PM UTC

   I understand this struggle when I was looking for positions I didn't think about how hard it might be to move away from family.

   I moved 7 hours away from my family, no real network for my new job, no one I even knew where I live now (I am single, live alone). Moving was difficult and it still is having to plan around going home because it isn't a quick easy trip but my hope in the next 4-5 years is to move within 3 hours of my family but for job success and career planning it was the right move for me. I know that my current job will help me gain experience for my future jobs.

   You have more factors with a family but being that your kids are young vs say Junior/Senior in high school it makes it easier to establish life long friendships still (although you know your kids best). You are also four hours away and that can easily be done for a weekend trip to see family or friends. This also is going to financially help your family which also can benefit your children.

5. VanessaOctober 7,2021 at 3:12PM UTC

   As someone who has relocated at least a couple of times, and at different stages in life (last relocation was to a brand new state where we had no established network, and we had one kid in daycare and a second on the way), you'll want to think about your priorities and maybe make some sort of plan about how you'll tackle the biggest potential issues. I do not regret my relocations, but that's not to say that everything has always been easy (or worked out as planned -- COVID, oof!). If doable, talk to people who live in the area (and ideally, who work in the same company/industry) to get a sense of what to expect. I did exactly that before my moves and it really helped me.

   When it comes to kids and schools - they are surprisingly resilient, so as long as you are supportive and attentive when in their new environment, they are of ages where they'll still be able to adjust relatively quickly. If you do make the decision to move, just start talking to them about it before it happens, that helps immensely with change.

   The network/family issue is a bit tougher. For some people, family or a close network is a non-starter -- if you are less rigid, like we were, then think about some ways that you can meet people. For us, we talked about the kids' schools and other meeting other parents, meeting people at the offices where we would be, meeting neighbors, looking for affinity groups or activities (e.g., run clubs, gym classes, hobbies, etc.). We were fortunate that we moved from one metropolitan area to another -- so there was no "downgrade" in quality of life for us, which was really important as well, since we would have access to a lot of similar things that we enjoyed previously (large restaurant scene, a beer brewing scene, lots of parks and outdoor spaces, cultural events, etc.). Do think about things like availability of babysitters or caretakers, since I assume you'll want to eventually be able to go on dates or adventures with a significant other -- that has always been the biggest struggle for us!

   From a financial perspective, it sounds like you've done the math and would be ahead, and of course that brings a lot of relief. I'd make sure you're including any new costs/expenses in your considerations as well just to have a realistic picture of what it'll mean for you and the fam.

   From a mental health/professional satisfaction perspective, sounds like a no-brainer. We spend most of our lives working, it makes sense to do so in positive environments!

   Ultimately, even after all your considerations, you'll have to go with your gut. But whatever your choice, go with conviction and don't look back :)

6. Emmy BemmyOctober 7,2021 at 3:41PM UTC

   If you will ever move, now is the time. It gets a lot harder once your kids get older. We moved several times when mine were little, but have stayed put since the youngest was mid-gradeschool.

   I'm sure the move away from family will be tough. I have always been in the opposite camp, where I haven't lived near family my whole adult life. There are tradeoffs, but I would clearly not hesitate to move b/c of extended family unless there were serious health issues, etc, right now, of a parent.

7. Emmy BemmyOctober 7,2021 at 3:43PM UTC

   Oh yeah, and while 4 hours isn't close, you could easily make a weekend trip out of it. We live in the Bay Area, and my kids/their dad regularly drive to Yosemite for the weekend, which is 3+ hours each way. It is a lot of driving, but not insurmountable.

8. AnonymousOctober 8,2021 at 3:31AM UTC

   Kids are very resilient. Being forced to make new friends and be the new kid is also a valuable learning opportunity.

9. Emmy BemmyOctober 8,2021 at 4:04PM UTC

   I agree. Mine had many opportunities for this when they were little, and they are very resilient little buggers -- to the point that I have friends that have commented how resilient they are. That said, since they are middle-school/high school and things are going smoothly at school, I would only move under extreme circumstances at this point.

10. AnonymousOctober 8,2021 at 10:28PM UTC

    Yes, I think moving when kids are still in elementary school is much easier than during adolescence. I’m sure some it’s harder on some kids than others.

11. AnonymousOctober 8,2021 at 3:30AM UTC

    I think you’re missing a couple of important considerations: what is the cost of living in the new location compared to the current one? What is the city and neighborhoods like? What is the quality of the schools? (And if it’s important to you, what is the political situation?)

    A big raise is great, but not if it gets eaten up by higher housing costs and your kids go to worse schools.

    If all is good with the location, I would take the job. Growth + money + great boss is a hard combo to pass on.

    However, I’m a person who prefers some space from extended family. Others have relationships that differ. In my mind, 4 hours is a great distance - close enough to see people fairly often but far enough that people don’t drop in unannounced.

12. Terre BrizzolaraOctober 8,2021 at 5:50AM UTC

    I can address this from a slightly different perspective.

    As a child, I was in 4 different schools ...in 2nd grade. I was actually a senior in high school before I spent 2 years in the same school. I didn't mind it, I could make friends anywhere.

    It was only after I watched my daughters grow up, in the same school from mid grade school on, and then pursue their adult friendships, and careers, that I realised I didn't actually make friends. I made the surface acquaintance of people for a few months, then moved on. My daughters have a depth to their friendships, both in terms of length, trust, shared experiences, support and more that I've never experienced and I find myself envious. My middle daughter recently moved her family 3000 miles away and while she is starting to develop friendships with other mothers, and neighbors, it will take years for her to have the layers of depth she had here.

    Your kids are young enough they will be fine and begin to build friendships easily. This will be much harder on you than them.

13. Deborah PavekOctober 10,2021 at 5:16PM UTC

    I relocated for a job and loved it. I knew one person I moved 3/4's of the way across the country. Caveat I was single, no children, my last grandparent had passed. I am close to my sisters but we are scattered. At the time, one was in NC, one was in OH, and one was in CT, my mom was in NYC. I moved from NYC to SLC.
    It did take a while to meet people and make friends and create a network, but every place is different.
    It gave me an opportunity to buy a condo, something I never would have been able to do in NY, I was there for 12 years then transferred to the Boston office. My mother was getting older (turning 80) and her health was beginning to deteriorate. I needed to be closer to home. In Boston, I made friends and found a network much faster, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that we shared a common Northeastern sensibility. Utahans didn't 'get' me and my bluntness, that's for sure.