Hi All!

Anonymous

November 13,2021 at 11:21PM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

Hi All! I'm in a new role at a mid-sized arts nonprofit. My job is in development, which fits my super social personality. The last few places I worked were pretty toxic, but I managed to find some comradery eventually with my coworkers. Here I feel lost and kind of lonely. I know work shouldn't be the first place you turn to for your social life, but I'm alone in a new city. I keep having a bit of social anxiety or moments of extreme loneliness when I get to work. My coworkers are nice people, but in my immediate department everyone seems to have hardline boundaries of outside friendships. (They're all also new & from places that bordered on toxic.) Most of the time, they're actually behind closed doors which seems a bit odd for our open office. Outside of my department, people are warmer & more friendly, but because of the nature of the work, I see little of them to really strike up conversation. Any tips on how to get through this?

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

10 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

10 Comments

Join the conversation

Alexis GladstoneNovember 14,2021 at 12:09AM UTC
My first advice is patience. I understand your desire to make connections being in a new job and city, I've been there. I always just presented my best self when I interacted with my new colleagues and eventually made friends.
As for tangible ideas. What about asking someone who seems warm and friendly (either from your department or elsewhere) to join you for lunch or coffee. Or even a small group! If they have been with the organization for a long time it's a great way to learn more about it from their perspective.
Are there organization-wide events? Make sure you attend.
When there are in-person meetings, arrive a few minutes early if your schedule allows. That way you can make small talk with whoever else is there early.
Maureen DrinkwaterNovember 14,2021 at 5:22AM UTC
I second Alexis Gladstone's advice! Are there any employee research groups of interest to you? You could be on the lookout for community service projects that the organization sponsors. Participating in an ERG or a community service project would enable you to get to know other employees. If these opportunities do not exist, perhaps when the timing is right for you, you can help create them.
Susan RoseNovember 14,2021 at 4:41PM UTC
Go online and look at MeetUp groups. You can find a group in your area for similar interests. I'm in my 4th state in 4 years so I know what I'm talking about! I've met with hiking groups, wine and dine groups, etc. My favorite so far was an all female group in Westchester, NY. We would meet for brunches, hikes, sightseeing, etc. You won't be sorry! Good luck!
Jacqueline CutlerNovember 16,2021 at 4:13PM UTC
I'm sorry that you're feeling lost and lonely in a new city. The good news is that you have a job you like and that the co-workers are nice people.
I would keep that in one compartment, and at least that means you can look forward to going to work. It probably would be fine to invite a colleague to lunch.
But for more social connections, I would advise joining different groups and organizations well outside of work to make for a balanced life. Whether a synagogue or church, where there are often social events in addition to religious observances, a gym, or signing up for classes where you're bound to meet people with the same interests. Join a few places in the new city.
What you did -- moving to a new city, starting a new job -- took courage. And since you describe yourself as "super social" you will make friends in your new home but starting, it may be best to look outside of the workplace.
Jackie GhedineNovember 16,2021 at 4:48PM UTC
Being the new person isn't easy. Being the new person in a closed off culture can be really hard. Science proves people are most successful when they have a genuine connection to those they work with.
My question, have you tried to organize anything? Maybe inviting a couple of people to lunch or after dinner drink? While it may feel uncomfortable to put yourself out there, you initiating warmth and genuine friendship may be all you need to open their hearts.
KarinNovember 16,2021 at 5:16PM UTC
I agree with Jacqueline about seeking those connections outside of work for more balance. I would describe myself as someone who is very collegial at work, but with boundaries on deeper friendships. I have always just preferred to keep work apart from my social life. I would add professional networking events as another option - a great way to connect with people who have similar professional interests and experiences.
Nicole FortuneNovember 16,2021 at 5:26PM UTC
If many come from toxic environments everyone may just be happy for a restart in a new environment. I agree with other comments seek outside connections. Be courteous or generous, maybe make an individual gesture through a quick phone conversation although you are in the office. You have to be understanding of the unknown about their prior environment, feelings about interactions amidst covid and also being a new employee.
Eri ChapmanNovember 16,2021 at 7:05PM UTC
Hi! Please don't feel discouraged. From the information you provided, it seems most of the folks that work with you are already suffering from fear of another toxic situation.
It's going to take time to foster new bonds. Understand that they may not want to jump in a pool head first without knowing how shallow the water is. Deep connections require trust and that type of bond matures over time.
I recommend that you make a list of everything you love to do. Hiking, painting, crossfit, pets, etc just to name a few. Search these keywords along with the city you live in, or state and find a fb group catered to that category. You will be surprised to find the list of networks available.
Work relationships are great but you definitely need time to decompress from anything work related if you ever have a particularly stressful day there. Going straight to a work friend may unintentionally retain anxiety from that situation. Because work friends will take longer than a chance meeting, I highly recommend searching for your deep friendships outside of that realm in the meantime.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
ILHAM ALAMNovember 16,2021 at 11:03PM UTC
It’s going to take time to develop bonds and trusting friendships with your colleagues, esp if they too came from toxic work environments. It may just be a matter of time, really, to develop those friendships at work.
Outside of work, is it possible for you to volunteer, join special interest classes, so that you can meet new people this way? Also, I’d recommend checking out meetup.com and see if there are social events for your age grouo happening in your city. Meetup.com is great that way as there are social groups and meetups for pretty much any kind of interest and age group, say, joining a hiking group
Or a book club, or a social mixer.
All the best. It is scary and lonely being the new person and you are doing both: being the new person at work and at a new city. I hope in a few years you can look back on these times with a smile, since you’ll have close and trusted friends both in your work and outside of it.
NataliaNovember 17,2021 at 2:23AM UTC
Hi,
I can relate to wanting to meet new people & develop friendships. It's happened to me a few times including recently. Depending on your comfortable level, I would say do meetups & join a few different groups. I've met a lot of people including recently this way. You can also checkout the app fishbowl, & see if there is a fishbowl for the area you are in. That's more to network. Anyways, really try meetups & know that it might take a few times before you meet your tribe or people you connect with but it'll happen. Remember you're not alone in feeling this way.