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is this tacky? I was just laid off from a company after 20 years.

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Anonymous

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is this tacky? I was just laid off from a company after 20 years. I loved my job and the people I work with, so it’s been a traumatic and emotional time. My position was eliminated and would be automated (good luck on that). I was given 30 days notice and had to work until the end of last month. My (former) Boss wanted to take me to lunch with the Team my final week. I politely declined. The Owner of the company also emailed me to say she was disappointed, but respected my decision. I think it was tacky for them to ask because they were the ones laying me off. Thoughts?

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  1. Anonymous

    Honestly, I'm with you. If you were leaving voluntarily that's one thing but sounds like you are not and this is kinda rubbing salt in the wound. Maybe at some point in the future you could entertain the idea of getting together with former colleagues, but not right now.

  2. Anonymous

    That is EXACTLY how I feel.

  3. Anonymous

    I don't think you want to move through life questioning motives and etiquette, decorum and what people say to such a degree that it prevents you from accepting people showing you kindness and friendship.

    Of course, you should always honor your feelings and protect them. But to base judge of a lunch invite on being tacky I think is probably nit accurate. You are hurt and feel vulnerable and I think that's OK. I bet they feel awkwardness and maybe you interpret that as tacky.

  4. Anonymous

    Thank you for a new perspective.

  5. Anonymous

    Not tacky, though they should respect your decision to decline. Doesn't sound like yhey meant any harm.

  6. Anonymous

    I think it would tacky and extremely rude if after 20 years they didn't offer a proper luncheon. That would be cruel. It's not like you're getting fired. They are laying you off due to specific business decisions

  7. Anonymous

    I would decline as well. They still have their jobs but you lost yours. Not a time to really celebrate, huh? They should have given you a generous visa gift card. And I hope you received a very large severance.

  8. JB09718

    20 years is a lifetime at a company. I’m assuming you grew close to coworkers and formed friendships. I don’t think it’s unreasonable they want to give you a goodbye, especially those who weren’t involved with the decision to eliminate your position. However, a big party is pretty ignorant of your feelings. A smaller lunch with closest coworkers or an invite to lunch with just the owner would’ve probably been better.

  9. Anonymous

    This is way of these companies now, welcome to the job displacement club. Brush up your résumé take advantage of all of their outplacement services and get back out there and look for another job and practice your interview skills.

  10. Tiana Mumford

    Good day you did what you felt was right . I would decline as well only because what is it to discuss besides them picking your brain to see what your next move was .

  11. Anonymous

    I am so sorry. :( I believe I’d react in the same way. I don’t know if it’s tacky or rude, but it’s definitely tone deaf and lacking compassion. It’d be like if your spouse told you they’re leaving you, then said, “no hard feelings, though. hey, why don’t we go to lunch tomorrow for old time’s sake.” It’s a doctor giving you a get well soon card after telling you you have a terminal illness. It’s gross. You deserve better after 20 years, in the form of something that is actually helpful and considerate of your situation - that they caused. I hope you are getting hefty severance and amazing references. Sending you hugs ♥️

  12. Anonymous

    It depends. You could have been given connections to other job opportunities and offered a different position if the job came open. You could have been celebrated for your hard work. Or it could have been an opportunity to get information from you off the record. Being I don’t know your company’s culture. A lot of company’s cut you off and don’t look back. Your declining is your decision.

    I had a former supervisor who personally stated they work take me to lunch in a few weeks. Know how I was treated when o was there led me to not want to care about attending any lunch get together because I realized after the fact that she was not going to keep me on staff. I only worked for 10 months.

    She was not there to welcome me when I was there or say goodbye when I left. So just make peace with your decision. I wasn’t upset. Later she reached out to me for something against company policy. I quickly and politely shut it down.

    .

  13. Anonymous

    I was laid off after 25 years with a company and my team (I was the manager) planned a lunch out which I was happy to have as I knew I would miss them the most. My boss (who laid me off) did not attend but she did pay for it which was fine with me. Since it was my team's idea I didn't consider it tacky or rude but I think I would've felt differently had it been my boss's idea. I don't blame you for declining though.

  14. Anonymous

    Yeah, my boss was the one who laid me off and was planning the lunch

  15. Paulla Fetzek, MSEd

    First of all, I'm sorry. I've been at my job for 21 years and yet never feel confident I'm not going to be let go.

    I don't think it tacky they wanted to take you to lunch. It's grossly unfortunate that companies think automation can replace people. Perhaps the lunch was their way of saying how they appreciated you as a person despite the company's shift?

    You have every right to refuse though and I don't fault you whatsoever.

  16. Anonymous

    I'm sorry this happened to you. All of it. Each aspect could feel like an independent punch in a series of many that on their own would have been sufficient. Take time to feel and recover from this. Working to the last day and then being offered moments of celebration is for them not you (though they may be thinking it's an opportunity for you). You can certainly decline. You'll learn who your supports are in a month or so. Many folks (colleagues, senior leaders) don't know what to do and are stuck in their own egos about how this scenario impacts them. Some may reach out. Some may want to say goodbye or ask questions. Some may offer to write a reference/LinkedIn post (get them to sooner rather than later). Some may be scared they're next. I'd think fewer would open a door for you- but after 20 years, I hope they'd help (and definitely ask).

    Many companies/seniors leaders are following a script of recommended things to do/say when someone leaves- without any real compassion or understanding of nuances in these scenarios (or recognition of how they played a part in it---perhaps fear of being sued or perhaps they don't really care). I suspect that's what you're tapping into.

    I'd think if you loved your job and the people there, it's going to be hard for a little while. It's like a breakup. Feel your feelings. Don't grieve with them. Should you want another job, be mindful to find ways to not compare it. It's great to love a job. It's fine to like it. Practice reframing when you think of your experiences there- separate the [triggering] emotions from the memories there. Seek support (non-work friends, hobbies, family, therapy, etc.). Think of unweaving a braid. When a braid has been in for so long, even when you undo it, the indentations remain---for a bit. In time, they won't.

    My best to you.

  17. Anonymous

    Thank you, everything you say resonates with me. I will definitely re-read this when I’m having complicated feelings

  18. Wanda

    I think it was a nice gesture for them to want to do something for you. And not tacky at all. Just shows that there was a high level of respect for you and appreciation for the job that you've done during your time with the company.

  19. Anonymous

    Yes , smallish company.

  20. Anonymous

    I can totally understand and respect your feelings. I am in HR and we recently laid an employee off. I thought it was a good idea to schedule a lunch for the employe. In my mind, I wanted the employee to be surrounded by fellow employees who cared and celebrated the employee. But, I totally understand that I might have been insensitive to the employee. We ended up cancelling

  21. Anonymous

    I do appreciate the sentiment, but it was almost all I could do not to break down there for the last month. The worst part is I truly liked my coworkers , that’s what makes the so hard.

  22. Anonymous

    I think they wanted to celebrate you, often decisions where companies have to cut long term employees is hard and they were trying to soften the blow for you. Emotionally while it is difficult I would if you are still going to be on the market remember that they will be the best advocates for you to move to somewhere new. Use that to your advantage and rise above the emotions while also letting them know that you need them going forward to help with your search. I would call the owner and speak directly to them about how hurt you feel despite that because if they fail with their automation you might have a home there going forward should things change. So sorry you are going through this but stay positive if you can.

  23. Anonymous

    I agree, I don’t think they asked me to be hurtful, but I imagine it would’ve been so awkward for all.

    i did my best to leave with integrity , but there is no way I would work for them again. I wouldn’t go back to a place that betrayed me and made me feel so unvalued.

    I know I’m a hard worker and good employee and will (eventually) be better off. I’m very optimistic about my future.

  24. Anonymous

    I'm the writer from above your comment. I agree they wanted to show you they appreciated you and yes it would have been awkward but you are a mature woman and one lunch would have gone a long way to softening the blow. You could have ordered the lobster!

    Also, I don't think they betrayed you, no one is guaranteed a job for life. They made a business decision which unfortunately affected you deeply, financially and personally and there is never a good way to receive that after such a long employment record. The 30 days notice was what they were able to do for you to soften things. You might have said hey can I take 30 days pay in lieu of a severance. Especially since they said they don't do severances.

    (This would have caused them to have a precedent legally for future decisions like this) Do rise above it because if you are looking for work the anger and bitterness may filter into your search and the one person hurt in that would be you. I think you did leave with integrity for sure but it does not diminish your value at all whether you were still there or not. No ones value should be based upon their job. It's a means to an end, a paycheck and a way to make a living. I wish you good things in your next role and think that you might need to tilt the cart a bit more toward the value in your life vs the value in your job.

  25. Tami L Cannizzaro

    First, I'm sorry you are going through this. Layoffs are never fun. I've actually been in this position: extremely awkward and surprising "layoff" by owner of small firm followed by one of my staff quitting. Owner decides to throw us both a "going away" luncheon. My first thought: WTH? My staff member was equally perplexed. After a few hours I pulled myself together and realized I'm the bigger person, our clients may be involved (they were) and I'm going to continue to hold my head high. Convinced my staff member to join me, and we both actually had fun with our colleagues. To this day I feel good about how I left. Not gonna lie, it was awkward with the boss who cried over my departure (?). Still, it worked for me, happy I attended and remain in touch with others in the organization.

  26. Anonymous

    So should be proud of the way you left. I just felt it was ‘too much’ for me.

    The best way I can describe my situation was like ‘trying to eat a poo sandwich politely.’

  27. Cindy Glover

    The owner EMAILED YOU???

    How inappropriate for that person to do that.

    They will know what’s missing when you’re gone and quite a few “automated” positions aren’t quite what they think they are.

    Its too bad you’ll be in a new position for a company that appreciates you.

  28. Anonymous

    Yes, emailed me ?

  29. Anonymous

    I certainly understand being offended by something like that. When I left my last position (my husband let me retire when we moved), the owners threw me a farewell lunch with ordered in sandwiches, but made a bigger deal of my replacement (a man who was then upgraded to salary with a 27% increase over what I made) and also invited his wife to join, but not my husband. They only gave me 3 days to train him and then wanted me to be available, paid as a contractor, if he had any questions. I initially agreed, and then turned that down when it came time to sign a 'contract'. Totally get it.

  30. Anonymous

    Thanks for the good thoughts

  31. Anonymous

    No severance. They said it was company policy not to pay severance. They acted like the 30 day notice was a ‘favor’ to give me time to look for something else. In theory that would’ve been ok, but realistically it was tough and so stressful to come into work everyday. Kinda like ‘Dead man walking’.

    I helped with training when my boss asked questions, but I have work instructions for my position for ISO certification.
    Yes, they gave me unemployment info, but that was about it.
    Another bummer is that I had taken a loan against my 401k for a down payment for my house a few years ago,. now, I have to report the 18k balance, plus a 10% penalty as income for my taxes this year.
    I do truly wish my former colleagues well and plan to catch up with them in a feW months.
    I just felt like the lunch was inappropriate because I was leaving because they laid me off.- not exactly anything would want to celebrate

  32. Anonymous

    Zero. Zilch. Nada.

  33. Anonymous

    ??‍♀️??‍♀️??‍♀️

  34. Anonymous

    Unfortunately if she is in an at will state they do not have to pay any severance as is the case where I live. It is awful and unfortunate but welcome to the United States :(

  35. Wanda

    Maybe they tried. But by really looking at their processes, it probably didn't make a whole lot of sense to keep the job as is. In most cases, (I emphasize the word "most") it's all about the "business" nothing personal.

  36. GirlBossanova524768

    I think it's tacky for the owner to tell you she was "disappointed" that you didn't want to go to lunch; you could/should have responded with "I'm disappointed that I'm being let go." I probably wouldn't have gone to lunch either. However, make sure they write you a good recommendation, so you have that covered for your next position/company. So many times I've left a company (even on good terms), and didn't care to keep in touch with former bosses, only to find that I need that reference later.

  37. Anonymous

    Your choice to join them for lunch amd it was unprofessional for your boss to even comment on your decision to decline lunch. I wish you the best on your next position!

  38. Anonymous

    I certainly question the owner e-mailing you about your declined lunch invitation, but there could be another side to the manager's intent. I don't know the culture of your company or the HR processes, but I know that personally, I've been in a position as a person's manager and even director where I didn't have a choice but to lay someone off and it pained me to do it, but that's the job of a manager. I've also been in situations where teams have had farewell lunches or happy hours for people who have been laid off, especially those with a long tenure and who were well-liked and respected. However, it's most appropriate to check with the person leaving to see if they are comfortable doing that before sending out invitations. If the person is uncomfortable, no one should blame them and simply part ways wishing them well.

  39. Anonymous

    Layoffs aren’t personal and I doubt your boss got a say. They tried to do something nice for you given the change is down to a job being eliminated.

  40. Anonymous

    Tacky? The decisions that can dictate reduction in workforce are often with decision makers that aren't always happy with but know in the moment it could be best for the company at that time. Now, they could learn if their automation doesn't work, it's not a reflection on you, it's on their mindset of agility and revisiting processes. Doesn't come across as a big company which means more work relationships may have been built, and they're showing you that you're not a number but a person to them. 30 days notice was generous and for most companys it may often look like a risk. Uncomfortable invite, sounded like with good intent. It's okay that you declined, IMO, as it doesn't feel good and you've lost a source of income. I think they may have taken this business decision to a personal person adjustment for themselves too. Be okay with it, that they were disappointed, it would be sad if they didn't show emotion back. Be Okay with this. IMO, good luck.

  41. Anonymous

    The 10% penalty is because I am younger than 59 1/2, per the financial advisor I’m rolling my 401k over to. I’m in CA, not sure if that matters.

  42. Anonymous

    I didn’t sign any form like that, it wasn’t offered and I didn’t know about it. ??‍♀️

    I’m not sure what they will say about me or how to explain to customers who will miss me.

    I did get LOR from the President.

    I’m truly hoping not to burn bridges, because I wish the people I worked with well and success.

    Thanks for the well wishes-

    definitely appreciated Reach out to me if you if have more advice, you seem to have an understanding of the way the

    company communicates.

  43. Anonymous

    I too was laid off from a job of almost 19 years. However, it was at the height of the pandemic and over a zoom call. I didn’t see it coming. They told me they were phasing out my job, but a year later I saw the person I hired as a consultant and made an FTE over the years and promoted- now had my “phased out job”. You don’t owe the company anything, they are looking out for themselves- you have to look out for you and your mental health. Don’t let them play mind games over you not wanting to go to lunch. You’re not retiring, your being laid off.

  44. Anonymous

    I'm sorry you're going through this. Regardless of the reason someone is leaving a company, their departure leaves a gap whether they represent a place in the company's history, have a dynamic personality, have institutional knowledge people can't imagine doing without, or helped create the culture that exists today. Once someone leaves, the culture is simply different and people often feel nostalgic for a time when the business was starting out, more creative, ideas were flowing and the future was exciting.

    I've attended many "Goodbye" dinners and lunches over my career and have realized that while it's a time to reminisce and tell someone how much they're respected and will be missed, it also helps the team who is staying come to grips with the change, and we all know how difficult change is. The people who were asked to let you go may not have wanted to make the decision, the peers you have know your role isn't simply automated and they're likely thinking, "What else is going to change?"

    Despite this, the Owner shouldn't have placed their disappointment, or whatever it was, on you. (In my experience, when someone says they're "disappointed" it's actually frustration that they're feeling and don't know how to resolve, so they inflict negativity on the person causing it to try and make themselves feel better.) Let that stuff go if you did what you needed to do for yourself and feel good about it.

    This is all so fresh, but I hope you're able to make your final weeks as positive as possible, leave on good terms. remember what you loved about your last 20 years, and most importantly, focus on what you want most out of life so your next steps can be finding your new adventure!

  45. Anonymous

    What an incredibly wonderful response. Very well thought out and exudes the empathy that the op certainly deserves. Kudos to you!

  46. Anonymous

    Thanks for that perspective.

  47. Anonymous

    I was “retiretold” 4 days after they made a big deal (cake/lunch in the kitchen) of me completing my 25th year with the company. My role was “eliminated” and I’m 61 years old. Now 4 departments have taken on the work I did. Then my former boss had the audacity to send flowers to my home with a card that said “Enjoy your retirement”. Speaks volumes about the company and the culture it’s damaged that was once second to none. The emotional toll was almost unbearable and I’m thankful for the support of my hubby, family and peers that knew the real story behind their actions. You can’t take it personal or it will flatten you - move on and enjoy your seat on the karma train. Good things happen to good people and vice versa.

  48. Anonymous

    I’m sorry that happened to you also. I was surprised how clueless people could be. Also, hard to watch the co-workers who remained suck up to the boss. I agree with you about the karma train. I truly look forward to my future and I’m certain I will be better off. I feel the same is coming for you. Good luck.

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