I'm thinking about approaching a petty co-worker

105 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 31,2022 at 7:14PM UTC

   I have been through similar situations and it's tough. What were you thinking of saying to this coworker and how were you going to say it (like over coffee, a bump into situation, at her desk). You will want to really think about what you want to say before doing that. I would look into the friendship between this person and your manager too. I have spoken up before to my manager about a coworker she had a personal relationship with and it did not end well. Despite that person upsetting and alienating the team, I was the bad guy for pointing it out. By telling my boss facts and my suspicions about this person, I only made my boss irritated with me and nothing changed. So I guess I'm saying - be prepared for this to backfire or for nothing to change.

   I also worked with someone who constantly would ask if I was coming to a meeting if it was 1 minute past the start time and it still irritates me when I think of it. Every meeting I would explain we had to go from our desks to the conference room and sometimes there were people already in there, so maybe wait until 5 minutes past before worrying about where I am.

   Good luck!!!

2. AnonymousAugust 31,2022 at 8:16PM UTC

   Thanks! That's definitely something I am concerned about happening. I actually have experienced this behavior of others before but this is the first time I feel like my boss doesn't see right through it. I thought about just dropping by saying something like "Hey, *my boss* said you texted him about me coming to the meeting but I didn't get a message from you. Did you try reaching out to me?" and when they say no just say "Oh, well if you're looking for me you could definitely message me.". Now that it's near the end of the day though I'm honestly wondering if it is even worth it. Maybe next time I'll just try to address it in the moment so it seems more natural?

   Thanks for responding! At the very least it's nice to vent and know I'm not alone. I've had this situation multiple times but in the past my boss has seen right through it. One time I was meeting people off-site, did not have remote access to my email, and had the copied the meeting time wrong to my personal calendar.. what's crazy is I actually got there 25 min early (which turned out to be about 5 minutes late) and waited in my car for a bit and never saw the other 2 leave but when I went in and waited then texted they said they left. So they left by 5 minutes after the meeting time, never called or messaged me and told my boss I didn't show! I mean, on a human level.. what if I was in a ditch!? That time though my boss was furious with them and got me a company cell phone hahaha!

3. Melissa VerdoniSeptember 1,2022 at 6:05PM UTC

   look , it's NOT too much to ask to check with THE person. and as for being 55 sec late to a meeting because you were dealing with an urgent matter, i would say it loud and clear ,,, oh i am sorry did you wish for me to HANG up rudely on the client when they called about an urgent matter ? making them resentful of our service? i dont think thew person will EVER mess with you again , do NOT adress it in private. deal it AS it happens.

4. Melissa VerdoniSeptember 1,2022 at 6:06PM UTC

   trust me NO boss EVER wants urgent stuff to be dropped.

5. Melissa VerdoniSeptember 1,2022 at 6:08PM UTC

   by going in full view , you are in control. go alone , SHE has control.

6. JJAugust 31,2022 at 7:25PM UTC

   Next time it happens look her directly in the eye and tell her that her attempting to micromanage you is not having the intended impact.
   Then completely ignore her future attempts.

7. AnonymousAugust 31,2022 at 9:41PM UTC

   There is at least one "monitor " in every group. Not a big deal and if you have a clear understanding with your boss on flexibility, why let it bother you?

8. AnonymousAugust 31,2022 at 10:57PM UTC

   I ignore them.

   Been there!!! As long as your bosses are good and those you meet with don't say anything--

   I have worked with these people and they want to FEEL superior. I often wished they had more work to keep them busy.

   I never say anything to anyone and let it go as aggravating as it is. When I say something, that causes attention to THEM and shows I'm affected.

   Next time she says something - in a 'cheerful' tone: "oh, you are right! I lost track of time when I was working on last-minute preparations! Glad it's only a minute or so - usually takes a few moments for everyone to arrive!!" (Big gleeful -- and faked! - smile)

   She'll get the message

9. Monica WellsSeptember 1,2022 at 7:08AM UTC

   Yaaasss!!!
   Your being happy & cheerful will totally peeve the other person!! I LOVE reacting to haters like this because it does 2 things:1) makes you look like the bigger person, & 2) rubs their face in the realization that you're not gonna let them drag you down & you don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but up! P. S. - Hold your head high & SMILE, do your work to the very best of your ability, remember only God's opinion of you truly matters, & know that the hater will most likely move on to another job somewhere else (they're a temporary pain in the butt for you to endure!) ? Good luck!

10. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 12:35PM UTC

    This.

    Trying to have a serious conversation with her will do nothing. She isn't going to change. And doing it without witnesses puts you into a she said/she said position.

    Address it head on as it happens with this type of positive response. Fact is you were 1 min late but the reality is that it doesn't matter. In the overall scheme of things, it was better to be 1 min late and get that other stuff in order to prevent further delays later.

    Also, maybe you feel this, but after maternity leave I felt different and had to adapt . Looking back now, I realize I didn't really understand why I felt different at the time but perhaps it was feeling like there was something to prove. There are even more demands on your time and energy now and when you might have been 5 min early in the past now you're 1 min late. Perhaps it bothers you subconsciously because you feel this additional pressure/priorities but I'd say to you, there will always be people who judge you negatively as a worker because you're a mother and there will be people who judge you negatively as a mother because you work. You have to determine where your priorities are and where your boundaries are and if you are living up to YOUR expectations, then you're doing enough. Let the petty opinions go and focus your energy on your priorities!

11. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 10:20AM UTC

    This may be an unpopular opinion but you could start showing up to meetings on time. I recognize that you’re returning from maternity leave but at some point you’ll be expected to resume full function at the office. Frankly, I think being chronically late to meetings is a show of disrespect for other people’s time. While she’s brazen enough yo call this out, I promise you other people are annoyed as they sit and wait for stragglers to start the meeting.

12. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 11:28AM UTC

    I would not consider 1 minute past the start time as late in a business environment. People sometimes are at other meetings that ran over, on a call they can't get off of, sit far away from the conference room, needed the bathroom between meetings... and so on. I also don't see where the poster said she was chronically late to meetings due to returning from maternity leave. She mentioned not being held to strict hours, but being reported for being late. If someone being 1 - 5 minutes late is disrespectful and annoying then I guess I have encountered many disrespectful and annoying people during my career.

13. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:42PM UTC

    The OP can continue to perpetuate this argument over being a few mins late to meetings and she’ll continue to garner bad ire from some team members. Or, she can recognize that her particular office places importance on punctuality and adjust accordingly. It’s ridiculous that a professional has to be spoon-fed instruction on being at important meetings on time.

14. AnonymousSeptember 2,2022 at 10:28AM UTC

    Wow - well I am sticking with my "I would not consider 1 minute past" as late. This poster did not say she was chronically late to meetings and I'm not sure how this spiraled into a punctuality to meetings discussion rather than what the poster was asking - for advice on a coworkers behavior. She was simply providing an example of this person texting her boss at 9:31 when she wasn't at a meeting. There are a million business reasons why someone may be 1 - 5 minutes late to a meeting and if everyone was reporting people for being late to meetings that seems counterproductive and toxic. I certainly don't think this person has to be or is asking to be "spoon fed" instructions on how to be on time to meetings. She seems quite capable to me.

15. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 12:26PM UTC

    One minute, and the other attendee wasn’t even there yet? No. This is petty behavior. I think this other coworker probably has an internal issue with her self view and takes it out on others to take attention away from her (perceived or real) shortcomings

16. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 12:40PM UTC

    if i showed up one minute late to a meeting (or on time!), someone would say to me "gosh, you're so early." if anyone else was even there to notice.

17. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:17PM UTC

    Agree 100%. Do not lean on the “I’m a new mom” angle. That puts you in a defensive position that you then have to recover from. You should spend a few weeks establishing yourself as a rockstar coming back from leave then you can ease up a bit. And this also gives this person no ammunition. I know it’s hard, I did it twice but it will pay off. Good luck!!

18. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:49PM UTC

    It seems you read between the lines incorrectly and didn't read or care for the explanations. When I got grief for "coming in late" after maternity leave I was being held to a standard that never previously existed. I'm not chronically late to meetings as you assumed. I also explained that I was only 1 minute late to this one meeting because I had to make an immediate call to reschedule so a candidate didn't show up to a cancelled interview. If I had shown up to the meeting and not made the call I would not have been doing my job. But she didn't know that. She just knew she had an opportunity to make me look bad.

    Also want to say I reject any idea that a mother needs to come back and go above and beyond to prove anything. I am a rockstar because I've made huge positive changes in this company and continue to do so after I pushed a baby out of my body and my company is lucky I was coming in those doors at all while my body was still recovering, my baby still wasn't sleeping well and I was still breastfeeding. If you did that, great for you. I don't subscribe to that idea, thanks. It might sound like a bad attitude on the surface but everyone's situation is different. I took this job because I wanted it and knew I could make a difference, not because I needed it. I think when you know you provide incredible value somewhere the miniscule little bs things that don't actually make a difference in the work getting done really come into a different perspective.

19. Alexis SchraderSeptember 1,2022 at 2:03PM UTC

    She never said she was chronically late, she was 1 minute late (which I think most of us agree isn’t actually late) one time, plus this person is holding her to a strict start time even though she was told that isn’t a requirement of the job. So sure, don’t not do your job and then blame your kid (again, no indication that’s happening here). But if we can’t give new parents a few extra minutes in the morning to figure out day care drop off, when the job was stated not to have a hard start time, we’re going to make it harder for moms to be in the workplace at all.

20. Looking for a changeSeptember 1,2022 at 10:46AM UTC

    I truly think 1 minute isn’t late- but your coworker does. I’d start showing up a few minutes early and maybe say I didn’t want to be even a minute late if she mentions it- with a smile

21. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 12:14PM UTC

    It seems like 'petty co-worker' is pointing the finger at others to take attention away from her own under performing. This happens a lot at my office.

22. Cynthia Armistead NewmanSeptember 1,2022 at 12:28PM UTC

    I wouldn't speak to her. It's likely to cause her to rachet up her targeting of you.

23. Crystal HowellSeptember 1,2022 at 12:45PM UTC

    Before I was in management, I had one of those, your boss matters. Don't let petty wannabe's upset your flow.

    Don't drop to their level, rise above. They probably knew you had a 930 wrap up and made the meeting at that time?

    Flip the switch work closer with your boss, stay quiet to the noise, say I will pray for you or I hope you feel better, you seem anxious today, it's everything ok at home. LOL

24. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 12:52PM UTC

    We also have someone like that in our office. They grew up in a "strict rule-following" family. I personally think "keeping tabs on" other people is horrible and workplace tattletales are the WORST. Like save your holier than thou fingerpointing for serious violations and not silly stuff like a person being one to five minutes late. I've seriously considered telling our tattletale to MYOB, but they won't because they have a snitch nature, so the best course of action is to cover your backside, stay in open communication with your boss, and keep on keeping on.

25. Melissa MilliganSeptember 1,2022 at 12:54PM UTC

    Don’t give her any ammunition. Get to work before her. Leave after her. Arrive to meetings ahead of her. Document everything. It’s work on your part but appearance is everything.

26. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:01PM UTC

    That can be incredibly difficult as a new parent returning to work, and the onus shouldn’t be on the OP to be beyond reproach in this situation. She is human, humans make mistakes and this would be incredibly stressful and doesn’t address the issue of the admin.

27. Melissa MilliganSeptember 1,2022 at 11:28PM UTC

    there are two sides to every story though. If someone is typically late to meetings then it is an issue. If you take that away from them then they can’t use that as ammunition. If you can’t rise up and be on time for those then that is indeed an issue whether you were a new parent or not. Apparently she was given free reign for a flexible schedule except to not be late for meetings. So as long as she isn’t late to meetings I don’t see what the problem is

28. Charlene BisiadaSeptember 1,2022 at 1:24PM UTC

    This person gets her power from knowing she gets under other's skin. Don't show her a visible reaction. I also agree by saying something like. "hey, my boss let me know you texted asking about my attendance at the meeting. I was wrapping something up real quick - thanks for the reminder". She will get tired of not getting a reaction from you and move on to someone else.

29. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:33PM UTC

    In my experience, talking to her is not going to do any good, but will likely make things worse. A couple of things to think about: if you think it’s petty and annoying, wouldn’t your bosses think so too? My husband had employees coming to him about petty little things and he also thought it was annoying and ignored it. BUT, if your bosses don’t think it’s annoying, that may be a red flag and you definitely don’t want to get on this petty person’s bad side.

    Something that might work is to give them a “back-handed compliment” about the way they micromanage schedules . In a really lighthearted and fun way, say something like, “you are so great at keeping tabs on everyone’s time! It must be nice to have such a light workload that you can do those kinds of things,.” Saying things like “must be nice,” doesn’t really leave a door for someone to respond, and telling anyone in an office you think they have a light workload will give even the pettiest people pause to consider how others view them.

30. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 2:21PM UTC

    Yeah, I've had experiences with people like this in the past and never addressed it because as you'd imagine, the bosses found it annoying too. In this case, this person seems to be secret friends with the bosses and mine definitely gets influenced by her and believes her one-sided stories. Frustrating and honestly losing some respect for him over this.

    And lmao I love your suggestion. I don't think I'll go that route but I laughed reading it so thank you. It's definitely what I'm saying in my head!

31. AnonymousSeptember 2,2022 at 5:26PM UTC

    I caution against “light” and “fun” sarcasm as suggested here. We’ve already established that admin is petty and vengeful. Pointed remarks will just cause the admin to target OP more vigorously.

    A better approach for OP: remain cordial but distant with admin. Engage as little as possible.

32. Heather BinghamSeptember 1,2022 at 1:38PM UTC

    To be honest, in most cases you're best just not rising to it. That also means not getting involved either, so you would have to let co-workers fight their own battles, but just sailing through and treating her behaviour with equanimity is probably the quickest way for her to focus her nosey intentions elsewhere. Some light documentation may be necessary, but if you just smile and ignore, you shouldn't need it.

33. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

    It seems like the insecure admin caught the ear of your boss while you were out on maternity leave and now that you're back, you're her primary target (at the moment).
    People like this have to minimize everybody else in order to try and make themselves feel/look better. She'll move onto someone else. In the meantime, smile and ignore her. She'd love for you to stoop to her level so she can say, "See, I told you so" to whoever is listening. Hopefully, mgmt catches on to the trouble-maker that she is. Interesting that she was moved to another dept. Perhaps mgmt is already seeing through her? Be well!

34. Beth Whight MoralesSeptember 1,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

    OK, I would say regarding meetings, show up on time. Make sure you get your stuff done and out of the way before meetings, don’t leave until last minute. So as far as the meetings go, yes 100% show up on time, it is disrespectful to other peoples’ times if they are there and you are not.

    However, it is not OK for the admin to police you. That is not her job. That responsibility belongs to your boss. If she truly has an issue with what you’re doing, first she should come to you, second she should go to your boss. Clearly she does not understand workplace etiquette. Furthermore, sounds like she has somewhat of a conspiratorial nature. If you truly think that she and your boss are closer than they let on, I would say address it with your boss and not with her. Just let him know that you working really hard to accomplish things and want to make sure that he doesn’t have any concerns about the things she is reporting. If he does, address it. He may have expectations that you aren’t aware of. But also, ask him if he has assigned her to be your hall monitor. Maybe don’t say it like that lol

    And being late to work? I am definitely not the person to ask. I’m late to everything except scheduled meetings. As long as you’re getting your work done AND it’s done well, and you are not a scheduled, hourly worker, shouldn’t be an issue to be a few minutes late. It’s unrealistic to think that everyone is going to be on time every day.

35. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 2:31PM UTC

    Thank you, finally someone addressing that she did not speak to me about it. This is the part I find makes it very clear she is not just "policing" but manipulating my boss's opinion of me by secretly pointing out a "negative behavior" in a way that gives no context. If either of them knew why I was still at my desk they would know I was doing the right thing and taking care of an urgent request I had just gotten but she specifically does not want context. She didn't even say anything to my face when I got in other than to tell me her boss who I was meeting was still on the phone and would be a minute. If my boss never said anything to me I wouldn't have even known there was a perceived problem (strict timeliness is not a huge part of the culture here) so I imagine there are more times she's secretly reporting me for perceived slights and none of it is being addressed with me.

36. AnonymousSeptember 2,2022 at 5:19PM UTC

    As someone who runs late in the morning (but stays on after hours), holds salaried roles, is on time for scheduled meetings and does good work, I share your perspective. But there’s a BIG “but”:

    Some managers and colleagues look at a late arrival as a sign of disrespect, even if the employee’s job does not demand on-time arrival. Other managers and colleagues will seize on lateness as an excuse to establish a performance complaint, even if the employee is performing extremely well. Unfortunately, I’ve encountered both reactions.

    If at all possible, it’s better to be prompt because no one can criticize that.

37. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:48PM UTC

    So long as your boss isn't complaining to you about it, ignore the admin. I swear, I would purposefully do randomly timed things to keep her hopping though....LOL.

38. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:48PM UTC

    Ugh - as if the work part of work isn’t hard enough on its own!

    I would ignore her pettiness and definitely not say anything to her about it. You already know that she embellishes, so you could reasonably expect the same here.

    However, at the right time, I would ask your boss if everything with your performance is okay? If he asks why, you can nicely say that you were just at the other side of the room when you got his “good…” comment and wanted to make sure you are meeting his expectations. Don’t mention the tattle at all. At some point, he should start to realize that he’s being alerted to problems that don’t even exist, and may shut her down on his own. I’m sure he doesn’t have time for this either.

    In the meantime, stay very nice to her. There’s something to be said for keeping the enemy closer. She likely thinks that people don’t know what she’s doing.

39. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:56PM UTC

    It may feel good to confront this person at the time but no good can come of it, it will most likely make her look like a victim and you the bad guy. Ignore her. And try to at least get to meetings on time. It’s rude to the other attendees. And you keep giving her cause to jump all over you. She’s an asshat. But if you know she’s like this, best to prepare for her to say something—even if you’re just a minute late.

40. Melissa VerdoniSeptember 1,2022 at 7:11PM UTC

    calling out innaproriate behavior , is always okay.
    doing it in front of everyone shows there is no playing this into a different story. you do not go behind someones back and text the boss , you check with THAT person, plain and simple, maybe there is an urgent issue, and a very good reason , being a bitch and texting bosses 30 secs later is just wrong on so many levels.

41. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 10:43PM UTC

    Don’t get me wrong, the tattler is a total asshat and it’s definitely not appropriate. But she’s a fool, and eventually all this tattling will come back to bite her in the butt. Mark my words lol

42. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 1:59PM UTC

    You’ve been out for maternity leave and things have changed in your absence.
    The manager wants to raise the bar. You have 2 choices: you can accept it and stay 94 dislike it and leave.

    If you need a formal accommodation speak with your boss collaboratively and see what can be done.

    I don’t recommend staying and complaining. Nobody likes sour grapes.

43. Melissa VerdoniSeptember 1,2022 at 7:08PM UTC

    no ones likes people like YOU. she just got back from maternity leave, making someone hang up in a client or urgent matter to be in a meeting that the bosses are not even there YET , is NOT raising the bar. it is ridiculous to try and invent it that way ,,,, the day that someone TEXTS my boss to let them know i am 30 secs late cuz i am taking care of an URGENT matter is the day i will call you out on your bullshit.

44. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 2:02PM UTC

    You’re routinely late to meetings? Sounds like you’ve being given feedback (that you are interpreting as “tattling”) and you’ve chosen to ignore it.

45. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 2:34PM UTC

    Don't know where you read that. Try again.

46. M BaazaSeptember 1,2022 at 3:52PM UTC

    I don't think she read. She skimmed through

47. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 6:07PM UTC

    Whether it was said or implied, feedback remains the same. If she wasn’t late the “tattle tale” would have nothing to report.

    Its important to offer diverse perspectives.

48. DeborahSeptember 1,2022 at 2:04PM UTC

    Be quiet, Be still and simply focus on being the best you can be ♥️ I say this with confidence because my quiet makes people nervous ? During the quiet I greet everyone I see and my professional interactions are strictly business. My dear if you practice these things consistently the snakes will simply slither away ♥️

49. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 2:14PM UTC

    Like others have stated, I suggest continually laying low and ignoring it. From personal experience, nothing good comes from a confrontation. History has shown that it is not the person who instigates but the one who retaliates that gets into trouble. Alienating this admin is the worst thing you can do, as it will only worsen things. If you find the stress from the situation making it hard for you to do your job, you may want to consider asking for a transfer or looking for another job.

50. M BaazaSeptember 1,2022 at 3:51PM UTC

    This

51. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 2:30PM UTC

    Do you know if it's coming from her? How do you know if this is actually what your boss wants but he doesn't want to speak up and look like the bad guy? Oftentimes managers give their most unsavory tasks to admin support.

52. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 2:35PM UTC

    WOW. I feel like I wrote this and I know I didn't. I had a co-worker very similar to this. She would twist my words all the time. I got to the point with her that I barely said hello to her and only spoke to her when absolutely necessary, which I found was not too often. I think this woman needs to have control and her time and how it is spent is the only thing that she can control. I would honestly talk with HR have it documented.

53. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 4:01PM UTC

    This is a double-edged sword in talking with HR because the OP will also have to point out that she's late to meetings and is being called out for this behavior. I'd really resist the urge to exposing this.

54. AnonymousSeptember 2,2022 at 12:42PM UTC

    Yes but being a minute late for a meeting is not a huge deal, I could see 10-15 minutes of consistently being late that is an issue. I know of very few places that have a strict 8-5 policy, many have a little latitude. If you are a professional, you should not be a tattle tale or expected to be one either.

55. Pam ReavesSeptember 1,2022 at 2:46PM UTC

    As a leadership coach, I coach leaders all the time on subjects such as this. Pick and choose your battles. Is this battle worth it? What outcome are you expecting in "confronting" this employee? Is it worth it?

    If it's not, self check, and consider how do you want to show up going forward?

    If you feel it's worth it... keep it factual. What behaviors have you observed from this person that were inappropriate?

    Next consider, what impact have these behaviors caused? How have these behaviors impacted you? How do they make you feel?

    Pause.... keep it conversational

    Lastly, together...what's the best way for the two of you to move forward?

    All the best.

56. TeenieSeptember 1,2022 at 5:15PM UTC

    I agree with this suggestion.
    I had a boss who would listen to the one that was closest to him / his chosen few to trust. He didn't give them any extra benefits etc but he listened more to them.

    It caused me a huge deal of grief, but there's nothing I could do. Except kept building my own work accomplishments. In the end before I resigned Id ended up getting into long discussions wrt his perception vs the reality. He only got corrected by my clients directly else he wont believe me.. I resigned coz it was a no win situation and I couldn't keep taking him to all my client meetings to hear from them.

    ergo you have to build your own trust with boss.

    also sometimes its the bosses that use other folks on stuff they don't wanna do themselves. As a manager I have never done this but am aware of seeing this done by some managers. It's possible your boss actually put her upto this.

    pps: your focus needs to be your goal and not a little irritant in the big scheme of things

57. CosmosMomSeptember 1,2022 at 3:03PM UTC

    I had a coworker just like this (ironically she was late all the time) and I never said anything to her. I figured I’d let her continue to look bad to our boss by being petty, as my work was top notch and my reviews were always good. You and your boss already discussed this, and it sounds like thy already know how petty she is. In my experience the least you react she will eventually stop.

    how exhausting to deal with that, though. My goodness, I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.

58. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 3:12PM UTC

    If you are struggling to get to work on time regularly, have you considered asking to adjust your hours to start a little later? Her opinion and what she says really is not relevant, but if your boss or supervisor is reprimanding you about it, that is what needs to be addressed.

    All this being said, I have the hardest time with backstabbers and tattlers and any time I’ve tried to confront anyone like this, the response is usually a smug smile. If you don’t work with her directly and don’t report to her, count your blessings!

59. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 3:46PM UTC

    Speak with your manager, the rat is just going to enjoy the conversation and double down.

    when you speak to the manager just mention that your coworker seems super aware of your activity and it makes you feel uncomfortable and start documenting it. This tattle tail behavior could be just floating past your boss or it could be annoying them also. This rat could also be the Smee to the Captain Hook so start documenting the behavior because you don’t answer to the coworker and it could be harassment

60. Milissa JacobsSeptember 1,2022 at 3:50PM UTC

    If you frame it in the context that you're starting to feel as though you are being stalked, it will die on the vine right there.

61. Leslie WoodSeptember 1,2022 at 3:51PM UTC

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this at all. I've seen a couple of good suggestions here and wanted to chime in with my two cents as both HR and a people manager...You nailed your next move on the head yourself! If this person was concerned about your timeliness to a meeting, they should have reached out to YOU. If this happens again, I would address this similarly to how you've already outlined - when you enter the meeting, say "hello XXX, *your manager* mentioned you were checking in to see if I was going to be able to make this meeting. My direct cell # is XXX. I wanted to make sure you have it in the future so you can reach out to me directly with questions. Were you reaching out to let me know XX was going to be late? I greatly appreciate that heads up, since I was managing an urgent matter and could have used those extra minutes to wrap that up"

    This is direct communication between the two of you, which I always recommend, but it also provides her with your direct contact info, therefore the only reason she'd have to go around you would be to "report" behavior and would just be another display of petty behavior. And then I'd ignore her behavior for the time being.

62. Nibor EroomSeptember 1,2022 at 4:51PM UTC

    I’ve dealt with this type of passive-aggressive bullying/gaslighting (about me to others). When I started to confront her, she backed off. A great narrative in Leslie’s answer! I wish I had read this way to turn it around on the threatened person.

63. Alexandra Fincher WeaverSeptember 1,2022 at 5:15PM UTC

    This. This is exactly how I'd propose handling! It's direct, diplomatic, and doesn't get her further involved in the situation by displaying the same behavior.

64. Michele SinclairSeptember 1,2022 at 4:35PM UTC

    Take it to HR immediately. If you go to her directly, she will use it against you ... (bc of how you have described her.)

    It becomes official record once you do take it HR. If something happens again, take it to HR again.

    You protect yourself and your job by using the right channels to report toxic interactions at the workplace.

65. Tabbi KinionSeptember 1,2022 at 4:56PM UTC

    Document everything - and have a frank conversation about your concerns and what they expect of you with your boss.
    As long as you and your boss are good and you are meeting those expectations, her opinions do not matter. Let her call you out for being one minute late - it makes her look petty. Any reasonable leader would dismiss her tattling.

66. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 8:41PM UTC

    I would never willingly expose my own shortcomings like this! How’s that going to play out: I’m complaining about this woman because she repeatedly calls out my tardiness to meetings. It’s triggering me and I need you to intervene. Get real!

67. Rosalyn JohnsonSeptember 1,2022 at 5:01PM UTC

    Open a dialogue between the three of you and nip it in the bud. You, that person, and your boss. Express to them what it feels like you'd like to see in the future and ask them what they'd like going forward. Yes, its going to seem like "tattle-telling, but it will also ensure that you are all on the same page

68. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 6:11PM UTC

    I don’t think it is the boss job to wade into such silly issues. They have more important work to do.

69. Rosalyn JohnsonSeptember 1,2022 at 6:40PM UTC

    I don't disagree that they have more important things to do. However, I think the boss is already wading into the silly issue by giving it any credence, by pulling the OP up when they had already agreed to a more flexible schedule, by responding to the one minute late text...etc.

    Its going to continue to be an issue and its better if they are all three on the same page

70. AnonymousSeptember 2,2022 at 10:08AM UTC

    I am not sure that is how I would handle this, especially if the boss has a personal relationship with that person.

71. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 5:19PM UTC

    I’m glad a number of people have said that talking to the tattle-tale won’t be helpful. I’ve always hated the condescending “well, why don’t you just taaaaaaallllk to them?” advice. That puts it on you and then the problem person has another thing to use against you. Sure, sometimes talking about something helps, but in a lot of cases it just makes the situation worse. Sometimes you just need to rise above, ignore the tattler, and just do your job well. And other times you need to say something to someone who can help you. That isn’t tattling, so don’t worry about being like her.

72. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 5:27PM UTC

    I once worked with someone I’ll call “Self-Appointed Hall Monitor.” She was awful to work with. She was always all up in everyone’s business and had an opinion on everything as if she was so virtuous. Thing was, she wasn’t so wonderful. She acted like a martyr but really wasn’t. One day, when she wasn’t there, one of our coworkers made a comment that Self-Appointed Hall Monitor thought she was CEO of the company and tried to boss everyone around. She wasn’t senior to either of us. She kept tabs on what everyone was doing. Like clockwork, you’d get a daily Teams message from her: “Good morning, Sunshine! What are you working on today?” And then would try to get you to help her with her work as if you didn’t have your own job to do. And she even had opinions on how many times people got up to go the restroom. People tolerated her, but nobody liked working with her.

73. Kathleen Norton-SchockSeptember 1,2022 at 6:08PM UTC

    As fate would have it, @Forbes just published this highly pragmatic article with some good tips on handling difficult colleagues. Hope it helps? https://www.forbes.com/sites/melodywilding/2022/08/30/how-to-get-along-with-anyone-at-work-even-difficult-people/?

74. Anesa RiveraSeptember 1,2022 at 6:31PM UTC

    Thank you for sharing!

75. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 6:10PM UTC

    The EA has been asked to keep an eye because the boss wants to make changes. You might be sabotaging yourself by being late and reacting negatively to this new direction.

76. AnonymousSeptember 1,2022 at 8:39PM UTC

    Excellent advice!

77. Melissa VerdoniSeptember 1,2022 at 7:12PM UTC

    wow it is amazing how many women here try to justify toxic behavior. this is THE exact reason there are SOOOOO many stories like this one

78. SLTSeptember 1,2022 at 9:30PM UTC

    I wouldn't justify her behavior! I also wouldn't give her the satisfaction of causing a ruckus. These attention-seekers want - well - attention.

    It ain't coming from me!!

    It's totally classy, IMO, to ignore these people who try to be annoying!

79. Melodie SoeterikSeptember 1,2022 at 9:34PM UTC

    Sometimes (not always), a person like this is tattling about non issues to keep management and coworkers distracted from their own poor work performance or attendance issues.

80. Katheryn JonesSeptember 1,2022 at 9:56PM UTC

    I worked in an environment where I was always watched and it's demoralizing, but it sounds like you already communicated to your boss about your schedule.
    Is your flexible schedule documented? If so, just ignore the pettiness. It's none of their business, you aren't accountable to them and your boss already has your back (per said agreement) so it shouldn't matter what they are saying about you. If you don't feel like you can ignore it, then a polite response back "thanks for your concern" or a quick check-in with your boss to make sure everything is good (without mentioning the issue with your coworker). If your boss mentions your punctuality, then you can revisit the agreement about your schedule and make adjustments if needed, but if your boss is happy and you're meeting their expectations, then the problem is with the coworker, not you. Good luck! And congrats on your lil punkin!

81. AnonymousSeptember 2,2022 at 12:19AM UTC

    Your co-worker sounds toxic, and it might be that your new boss is giving her a willing ear.

    I’d suggest documenting your accomplishments if questioned about your work ethic and output and, to the best of your abilities, endeavoring to be 5 minutes early on daily arrival to work and to meetings.

    I believe that the bird-dogging that you’re experiencing is counterproductive and adversely affects productivity and morale. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it used as a tactic to discredit otherwise excellent employees.

    See if you can get the issue to go away by amending your arrival times and staying friendly with your boss and the admin. If another petty issue arises, see this as sufficient reason to explore new employment alternatives.

    Note: I would not discuss this situation directly with admin. She will more likely than not use such a conversation against you.

82. AnonymousSeptember 2,2022 at 12:29AM UTC

    I worked in an environment under a leader who’d been in the position for 25 years.
    Things ran smoothly under his direction., but then he retired. His replacement was a woman who was totally out of her element. Things became knit picky, massive changes all at once, and warnings about every little thing. I should say I worked there for 4 years at that point and over that period occasionally got some constructive criticism but never a disciplinary action. All of a sudden I’m called to the office and given a formal written warning. It was full of remarks that were twisted to the benefit of the new boss, false accusations and downright lies. I consulted with my sister who is an HR exec. She suggested I write a statement to be included in my file stating how I perceived the situation with examples. I did that. Two weeks later I was terminated for an issue I did not do, nor would I ever do, which was badmouthing admin to a guest. Up to this point I had a professional but pleasant relationship with admin. I say all that to say this: be careful if you choose to kick the hornets nest. People who try to make others look bad to make them selves feel or look worthy have issues that go far beyond the workplace. I would suggest you document everything she does related to you that feels retaliatory and reevaluate at a later date.

83. Tracie WalkerSeptember 2,2022 at 2:12PM UTC

    I have experienced this too. The coworker would indirectly tattle on people, me in particular. She would make sure the boss knew she was at the office at 7:30 a.m. She would troll around my desk and accuse me of not working when I was. I had enough and went to the manager. I could tell by her personality, that confronting her would be a waste of time. She was the type of person to play innocent when confronted about something. she also had the boss' ear, so he really didn't address the issue and after I said something to him he told her about it, and they had a good laugh. She and our boss spun the situation as me just being frustrated, insecure, and struggling to learn my job.

    My advice: if you are still able to do your job and enjoy where you work, minus the office busybody; ignore her. If she is chummy with the boss it won't end well for you. Also, it might make you more of a target because she knows it's bothering you. This is what happened to me..she continued to monitor and tattle on me. Also, when people do this, they are trying to deflect and keep eyes off of them. In my case, the busybody was on her phone, doing personal things, leaving early, but always quick to tattle on others. As long as she made someone else a target, no one was looking at her. If this starts to affect your work, I would start looking for another job; it won't get better.

84. AnonymousSeptember 2,2022 at 2:14PM UTC

    I had to deal with a similar situation.

    This admin literally tried to get me fired over exactly that kind of thing. Fortunately I was already paranoid after some of the things she'd done to me and others and documented my time thoroughly so was able to prove she was playing fast and loose with the truth. Without my documentation proving I worked later on days I came in later, she might have succeeded.

    The first supervisor just quit listening to her once he realized what was going on - took about a year.

    The second one did things like publicly berating people in her presence in an attempt to make her feel heard, as far as I can tell. Caused a lot of damage to office morale. That's the one who let things escalate so badly.

    The third boss redirected her and mostly dismissed her complaints without giving her room to escalate them. Unfortunately, despite all her toxicity, the admin is excellent at her documentation and passed every audit with flying colors, so it was difficult to try to get rid of her. She's still there, but actively managed and much more tolerable now. I warn new staff to tread lightly and don't overshare.

85. AnonymousSeptember 2,2022 at 10:43PM UTC

    You should not approach her.
    You and other staff coming in late to work, but still clocking it as time work is classified as "Stealing company time" and it is taking more seriously today bc it is easier to prove and it is something HR is enforcing more and more. That admin is not necessary to confirm whether you are on time or not. The time you log onto your computer is all that is needed for a company monitoring your time in, time out and lunch breaks based on your log on times to confirm this. If you have to use an id to swipe through certain doors to get access to your company building or offices is another way company is correlating your time in vs time out.

    Even if she is telling on co-workers, you do not know if your bosses' boss wanted to crack down on this and your boss may have asked the admin to keep tabs on late walk-ins. If the admin has a strong rapport with your boss, you going against her could be perceived as you going against your own boss.

    So don't do it. Just show up on time. If you are having a hard time with that, see if HR and your manager allows a maxiflex schedule where you are allowed to come in (for some companies) anytime between 6am-6pm to work as long as you clock in 80hrs by the end of the payperiod. So on some days you can start late and end late or work short days and long days combination per pay period. See if that is an option. Or talk to your mgr and hr if it is possible to offer that as an option to the staff.

86. Audrey KirschSeptember 2,2022 at 11:59PM UTC

    An admin is an assistant, not a boss so I don't get what her goal is in pointing out lateness and other things she feels the boss should know about. If you do approach her, make sure to do it with others around so that she can't say something happened that didn't. Be blunt. Ask why she feels the need to point out every employee's perceived infractions. Ask if that is a part of her job description that no one knew about. And document anything you see that she does that is not official work. Is she ever late, takes too long a lunch, not getting work completed on time, etc. She won't like it if the same scrutiny is turned on her.

87. Stephanie LekowskiSeptember 8,2022 at 1:35PM UTC

    Great but if it's not her job and she's just the office Karen then it's considered "taking her on" and she'll target the co-worker who's doing it aka you've made an enemy.

88. Audrey KirschSeptember 9,2022 at 12:24AM UTC

    Maybe so, but tip toeing around this office Karen is uncomfortable for everyone. I'd take an outright enemy any day over being fake friends with someone so that they don't target my behavior to report to the boss. But, I'm in a position of needing a job, but not desperate for one. I no longer suffer through adversity for a paycheck so I'm less likely to put up with behavior like the OP described.

89. AnonymousSeptember 3,2022 at 3:46PM UTC

    It really all has to do with company culture. Is it a salary position where you come in a few late, you stay a few late no problem? Or is it hourly where you are expected to be available xx - xx. I would let it go with her and just start over communicating with your boss or whomever you have a meeting with if you are a few min late. Text them. Although i would not give the admin any text for where you are, unless she is the one setting up the meeting. Which could be considered courteous. It would be better to build a positive relationship with her and other co-workers. But you can always be direct, but diplomatic. For example, XX" told me you text to see where I was for this meeting, do you need my phone number so you can text me directly next time? " if she really does have a relationship with your boss then it is tough but you may have to step lightly.

90. AnonymousSeptember 4,2022 at 1:28AM UTC

    I dont really get the distinction between hourly and salaried when it comes to being 5 min late. I also think salaried people should be expected to show up the same as hourly. Hourly folks are not 2nd class citizens.

91. AnonymousSeptember 4,2022 at 3:18AM UTC

    It depends on the job….would you want a doctor called in to perform emergency open heart surgery on you or a loved one to be 5 min late?
    Another ex is if the poster works for a company where the clientele drives the start time, a few min might not be a big deal to you but multiply that across several staff for a company could cause a ripple effect and loss of clients. In a call center at insurance companies customer service reps would promptly get fired if they are not logged in and taking calls at their start time where habitual occurrences are not taken lightly. So like I said, it really depends on the job. If the boss set the tone for what he or she wants a subordinate can’t really do much about it unless there is obvious favoritism where rules are being applied unfairly

92. AnonymousSeptember 4,2022 at 6:27PM UTC

    True.
    But if you're an office worker with no appointments who basically just sits at the computer and answers emails all day and starts checking those emails as they are walking to their office plus checks them on the weekends and at night, then I don't see why it matters if the person is checking the email in the hallway on their phone at 8am or checking it in their office at 8:05. It does depend on the job, but I also think if time is a big deal then make getting there easy. Like some hospitals have priority parking for on call doctors which makes great sense. If you want employees to be on time, have good parking and excellent transportation. An employee who lives in town shouldn't have to leave an entire hour early just to get to work. If that's the case employees should be paid for mileage and commute time..otherwise working 8 hours turns into 9 hours because the employee loses their personal time the minute they head to work. People who are on call get paid to be on call.

93. AnonymousSeptember 5,2022 at 2:30AM UTC

    When an ee applies for the job it is on them to figure out the logistics of getting to and from work. By them accepting the job is their way of saying that even if they decid3 to live an hr away it’s on them to ensure they get to work in time if they want to keep their job. I agree with u on certain jobs that have poor parking availability but that’s sort of where it ends. A person that chose to apply for the job needs to show up on time. And if their boss wants to make a big deal about being on time, they hav3 every right to and should respect it or find a more lazed environment.

94. AnonymousSeptember 5,2022 at 9:23PM UTC

    Yeah that's kind of true. I wonder how a person goes about finding a job like that, either one that provides transportation or has good parking or is remote or something and a job with no clocking in. Like I really do make an effort to be on time and I fail almost every day. And I can't scream at the bus driver to go faster or knock people out of the way to get to the timeclock. I guess I'm just a more relaxed person. I also used to be on time more though. Not sure what's going on. Either traffic got worse or I got slower. I often feel like I'm trudging through molasses. Maybe it's some kind of physical manifestation of my unhappiness or my subconscious is sabatoging me to make me move on. Or I'm unwell. Who knows? The world is weird.

95. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 1:34AM UTC

    i wouldn’t be too hard on yourself but I will give u an ex of my experience, my 1st job out of college 20 yrs ago was working at a call center for an insurance company. I hated the job bc it was not aligned with my degree but you needed to be signed in on the dot. I had no problems doing this when I had my car. But a year into it had a car accident and had to rely on public transportation. That first week taking the bus, even though there was a set schedule, the bus would always be late. What worked for me was waking up 30 min early to leave early, it sucked being 20 min early but it guaranteed me not being late. Fast fwd to now, my current job in my technical field of study allows Flex Time where you can come in anytime between 6am -6pm bc of the type of job is not dependent on the time you show up. I think more and more employers are allowing this maxi flex thing, you can certainly bring it up to see if the company is open to if. I end up working 10 hr days sometimes and as a reward can leave early at the end of the pay period to equate to the 80hrs. Not sure if this helps, but good luck.

96. Paula BrantnerSeptember 6,2022 at 3:24PM UTC

    I learned through a close friend with ADHD that there is more to being somewhere on time than just having that intention and being possessed with good character and professional diligence.

    https://psychcentral.com/blog/adhd-millennial/2016/02/why-are-people-with-adhd-always-late

    We really need to distinguish how to manage salaried employees and hourly employees. Yes, there are some things where being on time is required. But the most important consideration of a salaried employee is whether they are doing the work they are hired to do, not how much time they spend at their desk and when.

97. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 4:40PM UTC

    Wow, the more I hear about signs of ADHD the more I think I might have some form of it! This is interesting, thank you!

    Also agree. I guess some salaried may be different if there are office hours but for me personally, majority of my job is long-term planning anyway so it shouldn't matter at all how long it takes me or when I am or am not at my computer. As long as I'm responsive to questions and getting my work done, I'm paid for my output, not my hours.

98. AnonymousSeptember 6,2022 at 9:20PM UTC

    I didn't get an official diagnosis until I was early 40s. I can't imagine how much better my life might have gone if I'd been diagnosed and treated earlier.

99. AnonymousSeptember 3,2022 at 6:18PM UTC

    She needs to be called Petty McPet!!!! lol she texted your boss at 9:31 for a 9:30 meeting?!!!!!!!!! The next time she tries to play the tattle tale game communicate directly to her. She's giving very passive aggressive where she will talk about you to everyone BUT YOU. Confrontation seems to be her weak spot so I would grab a trusted coworker and go talk to her when another situation comes up. Also, seems like your boss is showing favoritism towards her which isn't cute. All you can do is communicate with her your concerns and if she continues to do them even after you talked to her then maybe bring your boss and HR in. I've had situations like this and sadly the good employees always have to leave.

100. AnonymousSeptember 4,2022 at 9:59AM UTC

     Addressing it may blow it up and create an intense drama you don't have time or head space for. I'm not saying don't raise it I'm just saying pick your battles.

101. AnonymousSeptember 4,2022 at 6:38PM UTC

     No I'm not going to track anyone down.
     That would be ridiculous and that Karen trope is tired now.
     Anyway, I took issue with the way you classified stealing company time. I disagree with your description, but I DO agree that the enforcement is the problem which is why I said companies who don't take their time to properly analyze data are terrible.
     And yeah I might have been a bit reactive, and it's because I'm so darn tired of other employees policing their fellow coworkers. If it is something related to care for customers or treating patients well, or someone is stealing or abusing folks or something severe like that then by all means police away. Those kind of things warrant intrusions. But for petty stuff...thats what makes work suck.
     Maybe chronically late people should seek out remote work. I don't know. All I know is getting to work on time sometimes feels like jumping through a bunch of obstacles in spite of best efforts, and if I had a coworker that narced on me like that all the time I would feel miserable so I guess I got a little huffy. Sorry.

102. AnonymousSeptember 5,2022 at 2:40AM UTC

     A company being able to confirm and track login, logout with technology is nothing new.
     That Technology has been around for atleast 20yrs….that is what the previous poster is talking about.

103. Stephanie LekowskiSeptember 8,2022 at 1:27PM UTC

     I had this happen before- some mysogynistic idiot tried to sabotage me by claiming he tried to text me about a work related problem and I just didn't answer. He was lying and tried to "show concern" when it was obvious he was caught (I received texts from everyone else). Always take the high road- document what you say and do, but don't go to your manager or supervisor and complain, because yes, that'd be you "tattling" too. They don't like it when workers do this- they're there to manage, not play Mom or Dad. If it gets really bad and the manager or supervisor seems to take this co-worker's side more than not, it might be time to brush off the resume, start subtly looking for another job.

104. Vanda LeeSeptember 11,2022 at 2:15PM UTC

     Don't lower yourself to her level. Document every incident if you're ever called in due to one of her "tattlings" so you have a track record of her efforts to throw others under the bus. The example of the text to your boss at 931...I would have just stated in front of everyone present: "sorry I just got here, I was on a call with a customer (or whatever sounds important). Next time you're concerned if I'm coming, just text me instead of the boss's name, do you have my #?" This will let her know that you know what she's up to without being confrontational as well as let everyone present see how she operates. People like this are jealous and vindictive and don't have a positive in their lives...you can't change them...don't waste your time and for sure don't put yourself on her level and steal your joy. If the truth were known, others see her for what she is as well and are just ignoring it - otherwise, there would be action taken on her "reports".

105. TiffenySeptember 12,2022 at 7:43PM UTC

     You are not tattling.
     You are reporting a toxic bully in the workplace. Document everything. Is she related to someone? That is the reason I can imagine a company putting up with that. What industry are you in. Please don't say technology area. I am so sick of those petty people. If she has not filed a report on you, they you need to file a report on her for harassment. It's one way to make sure you have your job for a couple more months. They can't fire a whistle blower. Not legally anyways. Put in your complaint first. It puts you is a better position. Imagine 2 people having a fight in the street. The first one to call the cops and point the finger is usually the one that is believed. Protect yourself.