How do you regain your confidence?

25 Comments

1. AnonymousJuly 11,2023 at 2:21AM UTC

   If you aren't able to get some emotional distance (which is really very difficult), I would decide where to draw the line and jump to a search for a new job.

2. AnonymousJuly 11,2023 at 3:11AM UTC

   I am in a similar boat. I am an overachiever and have never had a boss criticize my work-ever in over 30 years. Now I’m dealing with someone who is blaming me for her shortcomings. When I try to talk to her to get a better understanding of what she thinks she’s asking for, I am met with a bad attitude and no support. I’m searching for a better place with better people.

3. AnonymousJuly 12,2023 at 1:48PM UTC

   Same boat. Exhausting.

4. AnonymousJuly 12,2023 at 8:37PM UTC

   Right?? It's crazy.

5. AnonymousJuly 11,2023 at 2:28PM UTC

   If you cannot put yourself into a mindset of "no news is good news," then you might try asking for feedback on projects you completed where he didn't complain and criticize. Another thing is to write up two lists of what you have accomplished: something he didn't complain about and the other things he did. Focus on your accomplishments if the "no news" list is longer than the complaint list. If not, consider it a checklist for improving processes and deliverables.

   Every manager has their style, and not everyone is an encourager. Some are even "nitpickers." If your manager is a good one, they know that the only way for them to look good is to ensure their people do their jobs. If you feel he is open to discussing your preferred style of being managed, schedule a 1:1 with him and let him know.

6. Sarah BordersJuly 12,2023 at 1:08PM UTC

   Do you love where you work? Do you love what you do? Why? Relay your passion and enthusiasm for the work to your boss. Tell him how much you want to grow as a professional, and let him know that, in order to do that, you need regular feedback, and not just when you’ve made a mistake.

   If all you get is negative feedback, it is very easy to feel like you’re doing everything wrong. (You don’t have to say that part to him; I’m just making an observation of how ALL humans function at work.)

   Hopefully, you have a boss who is open to feedback and growing as a supervisor. In the meantime, you could actively seek feedback from your peers or anyone who is affected by the work you do. Good luck!

7. AnonymousJuly 12,2023 at 1:46PM UTC

   Start looking. As someone in my 40's my biggest mistake was staying at jobs and waiting out awful, unsupportive managers. There is a saying that people don't leave companies, they quit bad managers. You may outlast them, but if you're not learning, growing, getting promoted and compensated...the company isn't for you. Life is too short. You deserve better.

8. AnonymousJuly 14,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

   Yeah and sadly by the time you realize that you’re in your 50s and no one wants to hire you. Couldn’t agree more - move on. Don’t wait!!

9. Mary PoolJuly 12,2023 at 2:25PM UTC

   You might want to check out "Magic Words" by Jonah Berger. His claim is that how we phrase things makes a difference in how we are treated. I'm in the middle of the book, and so far, what he says makes sense.

10. AnonymousJuly 12,2023 at 5:08PM UTC

    I always remind people you have to train your manager. When you start reporting to someone new or otherwise please sit them down and let them know what you need from them. Let them know what your strengths are how you like to be communicated to (pick one- email, text, slack, etc.) and how you like to receive feedback. Let them know when you are receiving corrective action or hearing something negative that you prefer it to be in private and with a way of expectations around how to fix it from them. This should help and if you do not get what you need from them after having the conversation perhaps bring HR into the discussion or meet with them privately to share with them the vast differences between the 2 bosses and that you need their help to get on track with the new one. Don't let your confidence be rattled, there are a lot of crappy managers out there and many who could use both sensitivity and empathy training. If you take charge from your side you might teach them a thing or 2 and then you can sleep easy knowing you did what you needed for you!

11. EMILY KIKUE FRANKJuly 12,2023 at 8:50PM UTC

    I tell my clients to keep a running list of their accomplishments. Then, whenever they have one of those moments of self-doubt, they can look back at that list and get a very personal reminder of their succcesses.

12. Coach Nancie Kay ShumanJuly 13,2023 at 10:08AM UTC

    Someone a couple of years ago did an interesting study about listening to negative things vs positive things. Negative things were taken on board faster than positive, so you are not over thinking things.

    But here is my question for you: is there ay validity in what your boss is saying? Are you buying into their narrative? Is this tapping into your imposter syndrome? Do you immediately step into apologizing and defense, or do you start with gratitude and then go into unpacking the issue as opposed to simply taking on the criticism?

    (I do understand that many leaders are never taught to lead, or how to give feedback. It is very easy to go into a vulnerable attitude, especially as women. Many of us were taught to say "I'm sorry," before we learned to say, "thank you." Thank you for the feedback. "I will have to think about what you have said and get back to you." Strong statement. Takes practice.

13. AnonymousJuly 13,2023 at 12:28PM UTC

    All very good suggestions - thank you! I think that this certainly triggers an imposter syndrome. I like the idea of how to respond and also to keep a list of accomplishments. I am looking for opportunities outside, but I need to be more confident and believe myself to be good in interviews, etc. This really has impacted me very negatively and I am working through it. Welcome any more ideas.

14. Ellen Smith FaganJuly 14,2023 at 12:31PM UTC

    Abuse is abuse and abuse is illegal. And that's that! Unless the job itself is heaven to you, DO NOT STAY. Find new work and report the bad boss to the law. KNOW That "Failure to report makes you an accessory to the crime" You may not feel safe if you report the boss while you are still right there, but you must report it. IF your company is large, Human Resources will help. Someone said my response was extreme....it is NOT but today is BASTILLE DAY! The start of the famous French Revolution of abused citizens. Allons enfant de la Patrieeee..the song begins! Learn it..it's fun to sing freedome songs - American or otherwise...

15. AnonymousJuly 14,2023 at 1:37PM UTC

    I can’t imagine you meant that comment for this post…? Seems a bit extreme.

16. Ellen Smith FaganJuly 14,2023 at 9:33PM UTC

    I did not over- react. Psychological Harassment is what she is suffering and MUST act on or fail her own life. Guess how I found out and won? SUPPORTED BY THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - a Congressman of USA said those very words to me when I was injured financially and emotionally by a BAD BOSS. Extreme? Not at all - DAILY LIFE IS YOUR LIFE - IT DEFINES YOU AND GOVERNS YOUR HEALTH AND WORK AND LOVE AND PROSPERITY AND HAPPINESS. NONE of US should ever ever take it lightly when we are exploited or neglected or disrespected or abused in any other way on the job. It is just like the rest - Injured? ACT Hit 911 and get. UNinjured fast.I share here with the wisdom of age - and experience. And because I have a grown daughter "in the wide world" doing her best to make the best life ever. Average settlement when taken to court - 50K for what is known as "Psychological harassment". one of the eight most common forms of OTJ harassment.

    Here is a overview of this type of abuse on the job:4. Psychological HarassmentThe work or worker " is being constantly put down and always having their ideas trivialized by the supervisors. It harms the employees. This can affect the financial performance of the victim. Those who face such harassment are more likely to have mental breakdowns, low self-esteem, and feel unhappy about themselves. It also includes taking credit for someone else’s work, making impossible demands and deadlines, etc. "WAKE UP - it is not a smarmy peevy moment thing - it's abuse and it is. your job to make susre you enjoy a decent day on the job - "Respectful Respecting - and in. your personal life, Loving and loved ....another attorney told me. Finally, the constitution of the USA guarantees FREEDOM from even the FEAR of REPRISAL - not just free from reprisals but free from the FEAR of reprisal. Quietly ask around or ask your congressman and give him/her a copy of this. IT IS YOUR LIFE - GET INTO IT LIKE A GROWNUP - LOVINGLY BUT NOT AS A VICTIM.

17. AnonymousJuly 14,2023 at 12:39PM UTC

    Sometimes the art is in the way we look at things.

    How do we challenge criticism. & mistakes. Not to be in the same situation twice, take a negative into a positive & grow.

    We all make mistakes it is how we deal with them.

18. Rosa E HearnJuly 14,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

    Sometimes it just comes down to personality and how we communicate with a certain personality. Are they a logical person? Do they need metrics & numbers to get your point across? Are they a perfectionist? So do they need several drafts of your work to make sure it's perfect to them on how they want it. Etc....
    Finding what makes them tick helps how to communicate with them. A sit down of the expectations would be ideal here.

19. ANDREA RAGGAMBIJuly 14,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

    Yea unfortunately he does not have good leadership skills. It happens all too often. So in these situations advocate for yourself, ask questions and specifically request feedback about things you think you are doing well to challenge him to address them. You also need to remember that his style doesn’t define you or your capabilities. Though it may not be ideal or what you want, take this opportunity to lead yourself! Ask others on your team for feedback and find the encouragement where you can and from within! This is a lesson in realizing you can’t expect from others what you want for yourself. You have to give yourself that grace, positive self talk and remember his view and way of doing things aren’t necessarily right even if he is in a position of power. If he creates other roadblocks that prevent your ability to advance in the company then it’s worth looking elsewhere but bad leaders are everywhere. There’s no guarantee the grass will be greener so use this as an opportunity to navigate your emotions successfully and remind yourself there’s nothing wrong with you. Good luck and be kind to yourself! That is all you have control over.

20. MislynJuly 14,2023 at 3:24PM UTC

    Well you are obviously working for a control freak that will never think anything you ever do is ever good enough. They will do nothing but tear you down mentally and physically. Do yourself a favor and find a new job. It doesn’t get better especially if they know you allow the behavior.

21. AnonymousJuly 14,2023 at 5:11PM UTC

    your new boss may want his own staff and be looking for excuses to get rid of the old staff. I would start looking for work if you don't have significant time at the organization or tenure. I've not had good experiences in this situation. they also may be intentionally driving you to quit if you do have a strong file. document everything if you plan on staying. do not go to hr. they will back the new hire if they out rank you.

22. AnonymousJuly 14,2023 at 8:39PM UTC

    I Lost my confidence at my last job due to a similar situation. I had to leave. It was my only option in my mind. Almost a year later my confidence is coming back and I’m in a much better place but they are still in the same spot. Maybe it’s your time to level up!

23. Crystal HowellJuly 16,2023 at 6:57PM UTC

    Bosses that don't have confidence themselves, and has a subordinate that does, will try and destroy instead of grow you. Don't eat their insecurity fdrag you down. Point out theiristakes as well, bullies are insecure cream. Puffs. If you don't know something, ask the oldest employee that has worked their a long time, make friends. Knowledge is Powerful. Get the knowledge elsewhere.

24. AnonymousJuly 17,2023 at 1:53AM UTC

    Currently going through the same thing here. My manager (after mediation with me over his losing his temper and becoming abusive), has become very negative and dismissive. Everything I do is micromanaged (he started logging into my documents and staying in them all day) and criticised. Not much positive feedback. He is not as knowledgeable in certain areas of our role that I am good with, but he does not utilise me in these areas. Looking for another role.

25. Beverly JonesJuly 17,2023 at 3:46AM UTC

    This was my work life until I realized I am responsible for me! I am in therapy and as a Christian, stopping to spend time with God. This is reminding me that because my boss has anxiety about my performing a project/task/assignment, I don't have to because I know my job. I know what I can and cannot do, when to ask others, not my boss, for assistance and that I need to let my boss know this is what I'm working on and whatever my boss lobs in my direction they have to advise me whether it is a priority or can wait. Guess what, whatever waits is no longer my responsibility and I document this via an email after receiving direction from my boss. Every now and then, I get blamed for not reminding my boss, that's when I go back to the email confirming their decsion of the project/task/assignment placed on hold. This way I am not doubting myself, have my boss' support :-), confident in my work/actions and go home with a smile on my face! Believe me it took some time to get here and some hard work, but I'm thankful I kept at it, have people speaking life and wisdom in my corner and have been able to shake off the 'dandruff' (that's what I call the boss' negativity) of the boss.