Unsure about how to receive recent feedback from boss...

Anonymous

May 10,2022 at 2:54PM UTC

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Unsure about how to receive recent feedback from boss...

A few weeks ago, my boss provided me with some real-time feedback post an internal 'meet-and-greet' session with our CEO.

To set up the narrative, the organization has conducted a new initiative where twice a month HR leads gather a random set of 15-20 people from various departments across the org and schedule 30 minutes with the CEO. The intention of the thirty minutes is to not only allow face time but open the floor to attendees to ask the CEO anything (casual setting).

After engaging in one of these sessions for the first time, which included two other individuals from my department (my boss and another coworker), I was pleased by how the session went and the responses I received from the CEO to two of my questions, both of which ended in the group chuckling as I would add commentary to lighten the discussion. I should also note that I am quite comfortable talking with the CEO given we have worked on a few projects together. However, the following day during my weekly connection, my boss shared with me two pieces of feedback:

1) "Your demeanor is quite formal when asking questions. Consider your settings. For example, yesterday's session was meant to be casual, consider how formal you are coming off..."

2) "Consider the appropriateness of questions for the setting. Your last question may have felt like it was out of left field and too broad, thus [the CEO] had to take a minute to think about it..."

In the end, I was surprised but receptive as I am open to learning and improving how I show up; I am always on the lookout for feedback and constructive criticism. Admittedly, I was thinking that the CEO is so easygoing and used to interacting with me that I didn't put much thought into how I was showing up or if my questions were too complex - I assumed if he didn't have an answer or needed clarity that he would ask or defer the question(s).

After a few hours passed, I started to deeply reflect on the shared comments and found myself questioning them more than I typically do. For example, I wondered "If I were a man, would my demeanor be called out?" "Is demeanor something that can be changed?" "What does it take to change it?" "Would I expect my direct reports to change their demeanor?" "At what point is something associated with personality vs a fixable bad habit?" "Is my boss commenting based on embarrassment/appearance or actual growth opportunity?"

As you can see, my mind was spinning and continues to spin. I am curious to know how others would perceive feedback regarding demeanor - is it something that can be fixed or is it just the way a person is? Would you proactively act on the advice or just let it play out over time? Any other thoughts are more than welcome.

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KathyMay 10,2022 at 4:07PM UTC
I identify with running an internal checklist when I receive feedback, although this sounds more like unhelpful commentary because it's not paired with a suggested solution and the two comments are the opposite of each other!
Too Formal/Too Casual! I like to ask the person giving me feedback for an example of what they mean "What would a more casual form of my question be?" If it's a blind spot, it might be good to know. If it's an unhelpful comment, you'll know that, too.
AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 5:03PM UTC
Just take a breath and dial back the formality a bit.
Not hugely helpful from your boss because it led you to spin. I think he would like his team to be a bit more free with their open discussion and less restrained in their narrative in dealing with meetings such as these.
During your next opportunity, remember to be a bit more casual and less structured
AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 6:48PM UTC
Being too formal is WAAAAY better than being too informal! Since this was your first experience in this setting, I wouldn't worry about it. How long will it be until your next one and will your boss be with you?
I think since the CEO already knows you, your demeanor won't reflect badly on you. Your boss's tone trolling seems unnecessary. And yes, women are judged on "soft skills" and relationships more than men. This has been proven by studies of performance evaluations.
Barb HansenMay 10,2022 at 7:33PM UTC
Take the advice as constructive. Spend some time reviewing what you did in the meeting through the lens of the advice , which it appears you have.
If you see something in the meeting that you would do differently based on that advice then try to implement it when the situation arises.
Other than that, I won't spend any more time trying to dissect what was said to you.
FYI - If you were a man, I would bet that your demeanor won't have been called out. Other than bowing when you walked into the room, how can you be too formal when talking to a CEO? It's your companies CEO of course, you're going to present yourself in a formal manner. But now you know, the next time you interact with your CEO you can be more casual.
AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 10:10PM UTC
OP here - thank you to everyone for the incredibly helpful advice and feedback. I am so grateful for the time and knowledge sharing!
I should have clarified that during the call I spoke/asked questions just as I always do; I didn't do anything unique in terms of preparation, tone, etc which is what contributed to my confusion. This is the first time hearing feedback regarding my demeanor in the 3.5 years of working for the org. Not saying that to negate the feedback, but rather, just a consideration that contributed to being unsure of how to approach and fix. My boss didn't have any specific examples of how to improve this; just to "be aware".
Anyways, at the advice of all posters, I won't spend any more time dissecting this; will just try to be more observant and see if I can get more specific examples. As mentioned, I am so appreciative of the responses received - very helpful, insightful, and reassuring that I'm not (too) crazy for struggling to apply the feedback. Thanks, Fairy Fam! :)