I work at a large financial institution and six months ago I took a position in a new department.

15 Comments

1. Barb HansenFebruary 20,2023 at 5:04AM UTC

   Does the employee handbook cover employees and subordinates and their managers dating?

   Is it possible for you to ask your HR rep general company policy questions without divulging the reason for the questions? Questions about co-workers dating, subordinates and managers dating, and anonymous reporting?

   How do your co-workers know that reports will not be kept anonymous?

   In general, my advice for "possible work-place policy infractions" is:

   -- confirm opinions and rumors with facts.

   -- does the infraction affect me, my team, customers or the company's bottom-line? If yes, then investigate and if the facts line up, then report

   -- is the infraction illegal? confirm what opinions I have, including legal protections, record all evidence, and report.

   Of course, each situation is different and each situation has nuance.

2. Erin BeemerFebruary 20,2023 at 4:03PM UTC

   Are you sure this relationship is the reason why the team is not being developed? Could you try another tactic, such as indicating that the team learned of xyz initiative at lunch and suggest that your team could meet regularly to specifically discuss these kinds of processes? If what you really want is the professional development, I'd ignore the other thing and ask for what you want. Good luck. Work relationships can be weird/uncomfortable for sure.

3. AnonymousFebruary 23,2023 at 1:35PM UTC

   This is a lot more common than one would expect. I have worked in three different places where there was a prominent dynamic surrounding some couple who were more than close colleagues. In more than one case, the partners were cheating on spouses. In all cases, there is a shroud over the whole scene, and your worth was rated based on your tolerance and your loyalty. From experience, I'd advise that you try to normalize this as much as you can in your mind, even though you know down to your shoes what you are witnessing is egregious. Someday it will make for some great stories. Right now, just do your job, and try not to let the actions of others define your days. Collect accomplishments. At some point you will know when it's time to move on, but let that be about your journey.

4. Jennifer WuolletFebruary 23,2023 at 3:10PM UTC

   You might find out if your company has a hotline or something where you can report things anonymously, many larger companies have this.

5. AnonymousFebruary 23,2023 at 3:14PM UTC

   She did: “My coworkers say that even if we report it to the ethics line or our director, it won't be kept anonymous.”

6. Jennifer WuolletFebruary 23,2023 at 10:15PM UTC

   My point is for her to look into it herself and not listen to her coworkers who may be misinformed because as stated by another there should be a hotline that enforces the anonymity.

7. AnonymousFebruary 23,2023 at 3:22PM UTC

   Do not, under any circumstances, do anything that could ID you to the company.

   -Do not talk to an HR person in such a way that you are identifiable.

   -Do not use the printer to make write a letter to HR, they can tell who printed what if they try hard enough... or at least they can on CSI circa 2004, hahaha.

   -Do not use your personal phone to call the ethics number.

   -Do not use your work phone to call the ethics number.

   What does that leave?

   -use someone else's phone to call the ethics hotline.

   -use someone else's printer to print off a letter to mail to HR from a post office that isn't yours.

   -suck it up until it's time to find another job.

   That's pretty much your options.

8. AnonymousFebruary 23,2023 at 3:34PM UTC

   When I had a similar situation, I wrote a letter, from home computer, printed it on home printer. Got brand spanking new interoffice envelopes. Typed labels to stick on them, put the letter inside then dropped them off in separate out boxes to be distributed from the mail room.

9. AnonymousFebruary 23,2023 at 4:57PM UTC

   Are you wanting to report them for having an affair or are you trying to get your team to be treated equally as the others are? Is there a way to bring up the issue without blaming it on the affair? I feel like you should be able to go to someone to address the lack of communication and the problems you are facing but you do not need to bring up the fact that, in your opinion, the affair is why things are suffering. If you are tactful there should be a way to address these concerns without throwing people's personal matters into the conversation. Sounds like it is uncomfortable either way so you can decide which "discomfort" you want to deal with. Stay there and say nothing while suffering and watching the whole ship burn/say something and face the consequences/find a new job. All options are uncomfortable so pick the one that best suits your future. Is this the company you want to "move up within" if this is the type of culture that they provide? That's the biggest question you should be asking yourself.

10. BethBFebruary 23,2023 at 5:10PM UTC

    Why do you equate their having an affair with not receiving coaching or training? One may have nothing to do with the other. Mind your own business on the affair. Ask for what you need. Are you looking for feedback? Info about development opportunities? Be specific and ask.

11. Manners MatterFebruary 23,2023 at 6:22PM UTC

    Personal issues like affairs, nepostism and favortism are always going to be somewhere in the workplace. The one that will probably eventually pass in the affair situation. Either it will be over or it will become more public attention of the company. No, do not report it!! Ask yourself what that would accomplish. Even if the the offending pair were to be fired, it would tie a bad moniker attached to you (it would become known who reported it, even if claims of confidentiality exist) If they were not fired, it is destrictive to the team and cooperation for you. Don't comment of gossip, ignore pictures or videos and be silent! There are times to be confrontational and there are time to just keep quiet and do your work ignoring the storms around you!

12. AnonymousFebruary 23,2023 at 6:29PM UTC

    Why does the affair of your boss and their personal life affect you at all. A crappy boss is a crappy boss. If you are not getting the support you personally need speak up, speak up for yourself NOT your team, be specific about what you need and for goodness sake don't mention their affair. Keep it about your job and what you need professionally to be supported and to move ahead. Plan it out have a goal and if you don't get one from your manager do your homework about your field and make some goals for yourself to achieve. Own your own destiny. This may sound harsh but you cannot blame your manager for what you don't ask for, after all they are not clairvoyant.

13. AnonymousFebruary 23,2023 at 6:57PM UTC

    Unfortunately going to HR with complaints usually doesn't end well for the person making the complaint. HR is there to protect the company and usually the company protects the higher ups. I know of someone who just made a complaint about another employee that was harassing her and they got rid of her and the person who was causing the trouble (and has a history of this) is still there! Another thing to remember is nothing is confidential in the workplace. HR is not obligated by law to keep your conversation in confidence. If you can stand to work there, I would concentrate on my work and try to find another job or another department within the company. Good luck!

14. AnonymousFebruary 24,2023 at 5:01AM UTC

    Couldn’t agree more. I left a job I LOVED after 5 years with an amazing company after I moved departments for growth…started getting verbally abused and harassed by a coworker. I reported it and guess who left…me. Guess who didn’t even get coaching, her…and I wasn’t the first to complain about her, sadly.

    in this situation I agree with some others. Ask HR for mentorship opportunities, or find them yourself within other departments you like and/or ask your boss for help with growth and development!

15. AnonymousFebruary 23,2023 at 9:37PM UTC

    As others mentioned, be careful about assuming that the affair is having a direct effect on the actions of your manager and work director. If you catch them making out on your desk, you should probably say something, otherwise don't and don't talk about it with your coworkers (office gossip has a way of getting people into trouble). Use it as a learning experience. You see how everyone is talking about the affair behind their backs, if you don't want that to happen to you, don't have an office affair. All that said, the other things you mention about training and being out of the loop on company developments, those are things that can and should be addressed.

    You might ask HR if they have a mentorship program at the company. Mentors don't have to be a direct boss, so this is a valid question. If they don't, maybe they can recommend a program. Alternatively, if you want either your work director or manager to give you coaching, set a meeting with them and ask for it. Go into the meeting with a specific question of what you would like from them. Don't be vague and say you want coaching, be as specific as you can. If you want to grow/move up in the company tell them. Tell them you want to move up in the company and you would like advice on things to focus on (skills to learn etc) to achieve that growth. If you do annual goals or KPIs (some companies do and some don't) you could tie it into that.

    In regards to learning about things from other teams, if you have team meetings with your manager or work director have you guys asked them about these? Something like I heard that xx process improvement is happening, is this true? When did that get decided? Can we implement it on our team (assuming it is something related to your job)? It could be that the manager doesn't realize you guys are interested in things like that, or has forgotten to share the information. If you guys have weekly or monthly meetings it would be good to ask every so often what other things are going on in the company.

    I hope some of this helps. Good luck! :)