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I started a new job 3 months ago.

Rebecca e. image

Rebecca e.

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I started a new job 3 months ago. About a month in, HR came to me to check in. They have done that multiple times. I knew right away this was odd. At about the 2 month mark, my new manager started to come into 1x1's berating me, angry, aggressive tone, asking challenging questions, consistently being unclear or changing direction. Suddenly one week, he says my work is not the quality he wants, he is unclear however on his expectations. I have done everything on time. I have been working nights and weekends. I have gotten no feedback from him until now. I find out that EVERY direct report he has had has complained to HR. A woman who now reports into me instead of him went to HR crying several times because of him. He is scary, belittlling, threatening, unprofessional, unclear, never satisfied with anyone's work, he seems lost about what is happening within the department. HR is aware. The CMO is aware. They have chosen to do nothing. I don't want to lose my job, and given that the company knows, they seem unlikely to do anything about it. What do I do and how do I handle this? This is NOT the culture that leaders speak about. But it's the reality of the entire team and we are all just living in fear and anxiety every day.

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  1. Anonymous

    Leave. Run away now. The damage to your mental and emotional health is not worth it.

  2. Anonymous

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar situation and the uncertainty and stress could be unbearable. I tried to look for new jobs internally and externally. I spoke with people on other teams and tried to transfer to teams with a better culture. I also looked for mentorship opportunities outside of my department. I never spoke poorly about my boss in these conversations and more so focused on a new opportunity. I went to HR as well but they told my boss and the situation got even worse. My team went from 9 employees to 4 and everyone who left told HR it was due to our boss. Eventually she lost her direct reports but the process to get there was hard for us all.

  3. Anonymous

    It sounds like the problem is both your manager AND HR. They clearly know that this person is a toxic liability and yet they're keeping him on board. Carefully document everything. This is a tough job market, so it's not easy move to something else especially if you're paid well. Find another job if you can but also protect your rights.

  4. Anonymous

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
    I had a job once that after two weeks, was a "sudden change in plan" and became a huge problem. Basically, they needed me to do 3x the work with zero training

    You are doing right but your situation will improve when you leave.

    I'm not one for running away, but some atmospheres aren't worth sticking around for.

    Think positively, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING good (your professional success) and bad (their actions) and start looking elsewhere

  5. thumpertrax

    No one should have to work in a Toxic environment and that is what HE is. Almost or I would say a big Bully!

  6. Irene

    Time to mentally dig your heels in. In your meetings as soon as he raises his voice, or starts to belittle you, stop him. Have a clip board and paper and pen and look at him and say, let me get this straight… you are upset about what exactly? Or exactly how would you like this project to proceed? Wash, rinse, repeat.. look truly interested in what he is saying, no emotion, feel free to actually read back to him his statements for clarification. Then put it all in a follow up email to him to “recap” our meeting in order to make sure you are doing what he requested. I have done this a few times and have always gotten the desired results. It may take a few rounds of this but don’t give up and don’t allow this behavior. No one should be allowed to manage by bullying or intimidation.

  7. Rebecca e.

    His direction was verbally always unclear in 1x1's. I would start to recap it in writing to make sure I got it right. He then told me "this isn't a law firm, please don't send me so many emails". I'm trying to cover my bases in writing as much as possible. And he always says "this isn't the right format, we can discuss in our 1x1". Horrific. I cannot win with this person and it feels so intentional on his part.

  8. Irene

    Nope, continue to recap in writing. He doesn’t have to read them if he doesn’t want to.. just send it anyway. Make the paper trail

  9. Anonymous

    Great advice. And cc: or bcc: HR

  10. Jasmine

    It sounds to me HR is more than aware and not likely to take action if they haven't already.
    My FIL had a similar situation and had conversations with HR and stood up for himself to the boss. HR made it sound as if they were aware and would be taking action; FIL was "laid off" a few months later. He took some time off after to mentally recover and is now kicking himself for not leaving sooner. He dug in and tried to "prove" himself, and it wrecked his mental health; it just wasn't worth it. If leaving is an option for you, I'd start working on your exit.

  11. Anonymous

    That’s horrible. I feel bad for him because I experienced the same thing. It took me months to recover and I had to quit because of the awful manager and a coworker. There is a special place for those people in the next life. Karma always comes around. It happened right before the pandemic hit. I was hired in Septemberof 2019 and quit January 22, 2020. I didn’t have a job, but I was mentally exhausted and my physical health was suffering.

    I hope he is on the road to recovery.

  12. Anonymous

    Go ahead and report this to HR. The more people that complain about him, the better case you have to do something about it if you are terminated.

    I see a huge lawsuit coming on this one. If upper management knows and has done nothing to alleviate the issues, then you can sue the hell out of them and most likely win (based on what you have shared).

  13. Kris Wolfram

    Go to HR. The more they know,

    the better.

  14. Michele Horaney

    But, as others note here in comments, don't expect HR to do anything. I lived through that, too. My boss (VP level) was a ringer in so many ways, but it was all about stupid, pointless power and control stuff as a boss. HR admitted "You have a bad boss." That was true! They did nothing until they got a report from the BF of one of his reports that he'd assulted his GF during a work trip to another city. And then many of my coworkers started recalling questionable behavior by the boss. THEN HR pulled it all together and dumped his butt. What got me was that if I had been a crummy boss to my reports, my backside would be on the line. He never got a question from his boss (director) or HR. Nothing happened until sex entered the story and a lawsuit/police were at the door.

    Remember: HR is rarely your friend. They are always "working for the man." Keep that front and center.

  15. Anonymous

    It sounds like they are building a case for a cause to dismiss him. He may be fighting back, so they need to have all their proverbial ducks in a row. It may just be a waiting game, or you may be right that they don't intend to fix a problem they know about. I have had situations where it was difficult to fire someone due to a disability, race, or gender (or more than one), and they started playing that "card," so these require bucketloads of documentation. As others have said, document the situations where you feel he was inappropriate in addressing an issue and help them in their process. If you get to the point your mental health is in jeopardy, find another job. You can start looking now, and if the problem is resolved, you can back out or withdraw from applications. Otherwise, if an offer comes along and he is still being this way, you can resign and never look back. Present all your documentation during your exit interview to help them fix it after you leave.

  16. Rebecca e.

    I'm hoping that HR has proactively popped into my office 3x b/c they are building a case. They should be. The first 2 times I was trying to hold back but by visit 3 it had gotten so bad that I very un-emotionally listed 2 pages of notes on unprofessional, odd, aggressive behavior to me and others.

  17. Becky Harborth

    I concur!

  18. Anonymous

    Document it all. Do we work for the same person.

  19. Anonymous

    Other than looking for a new job, I would completely remove any emotions from your interactions. Show him his behavior is not moving you and keep it professional. Document everything in email. Consider it a paycheck until you land a new job and stop working overtime with no pay for a person who is never satisfied while giving zero feedback.

  20. Anonymous

    You create a paper trail to demonstrate the lack of clarity.

    Never accept verbal directions. Also document in emails the inconsistencies and tone as well. Tell him you're unclear where his,anger is coming from but that you will not be spoken to in harsh terms.

  21. Anonymous

    I know my boss recorded our weekly call last week while he screamed at me in front of my group. I want to ask for the recording and I know he'll deny recording it. Normally he sends the recording as soon as the meeting is over. I went looking for an email yesterday about his continuation of gaslighting, saying I need to ask him about anything before I do it, yet he won't answer emails or phone calls. He is in another office. I recently found out from another coworker that he sets expiration dates on all his emails so that you can't produce the evidence. Any advice?

  22. Anonymous

    Keep a journal (,at home) with every detail, including comments by others. Maybe you will have enough evidence to file a lawsuit.

  23. Anonymous

    This happened to me in my first corporate role many years ago.
    I was reporting into someone who had been demoted from a VP to a director and wasn’t supposed to have any direct reports. Said person convinced CEO to approve my role so I was hired in all of course unbeknownst to me. It was shocking to have someone berate and belittle me, everyone else around me was very supportive and HR mandated we had to go to bi-weekly therapy. That’s right instead of laying this guy off they spent $$$ for us to see a therapist every other week. I realized my manager didn’t give a fig about me but did care very much about the therapist’s opinion so I would influence the therapist to influence my manager to make the role tolerable. When I left the job, manager threw me a going away party and said I was great-such a turn around. So I would ask HR for counseling sessions, it protects you and the company.

  24. Anonymous

    Are you able to audio record these outbursts legally? Or, I may be way off-base, but can HR install something that can record them? I would go ahead and ask him the nonthreatening follow-up questions others have mentioned to see if he continues to escalate. Documenting everything is great, but if HR is aware, they should be helping you, not making you do more work.

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