Would like insight on how to deal with a difficult peer.

18 Comments

1. JB09718February 23,2025 at 6:54PM UTC

   If it’s that disruptive to your working environment it sounds like its time to involve HR. You’ve already communicated to your boss and have everything documented. You’ve handled it professionally up until this point, continue to do so and don’t stoop to her level now. While HR is doing their thing, I would avoid any undocumented direct interactions with her if possible (ex: if she stops by your desk for something, follow up with an email so there’s something in writing.) and continue to maintain your professionalism and integrity.

2. AnonymousFebruary 24,2025 at 1:45PM UTC

   Good advice here, I agree.

3. AnonymousFebruary 23,2025 at 7:26PM UTC

   I can’t believe that you haven’t lodged a formal complaint. Do it. Who cares what her motivations are. Protect yourself and stop being manipulated by this person. That’s how they get away with it. Don’t go forward until you draw your boundaries. You will no longer put up with this and need to say so. I have done so and it was quite shocking when I stood my ground stated that she had no right to speak with me in that manner and I would no longer tolerate the disrespectful unprofessional behavior. A formal complaint must be investigated and it is she who is causing the problem not you. But you must stop it now.

4. AnonymousFebruary 24,2025 at 2:06AM UTC

   Stand your ground. Get HR involved. File a former complaint. The verbal attacks, the hostility has no place ever in any circumstance. She’s creating a hostile work environment. Yes document but make sure HR is very clear that your intentions are to have their backing to remove her from your work environment. Stay strong. The a-hole other manager needs to go.

   And do not do any 1:1 meetings with her without your managers and / or HR. Ever. Never meet in a 1:1 alone with an abuser. The results are he said she said. But make it CRYSTAL CLEAR, you WILL NOT tolerate her behavior. I've been VERY clear in meetings with others who are condescending. I put it out in front of everyone. You have the nerve to come for me in front of my peers, I will come for you and call you out in front of ours. It's that simple. I have shut down so many of these people. You can too.

5. AnonymousFebruary 24,2025 at 2:13PM UTC

   Trying really hard is not a solution. Since you are powerless to change her behavior you need to consider HRs involvement. But you better have concrete examples and witnesses or this will turn into a she said, she said abd nothing will get resolved.

   What you can do for your mental health is focus on you, you life, your family and friends and interests and hobbies outside of work. If that doesn't fill you with joy, then change it. A joyful and full life does wonders for stress, patience and perspective.

6. Colleen HansonFebruary 24,2025 at 3:05PM UTC

   I think that this situation is beyond your control at this point. This person is creating a "hostile" work environment and the sooner it gets addressed, the better. I would speak with your boss again and encourage her to get HR involved. Hopefully with your boss' support HR will quickly put this person in their place. People like this do not generally stop their poor behavior or "bashing" campaigns until they are forced to.

   I went through something similar years ago. My manager initially got involved, based solely on what he was witnessing, and that seemed to fuel the antagonist even more. It wasn't until my manager went to HR and subsequently they had a conversation with my co-worker that she stopped, and within a couple of months she left the company. Sometimes people's personalities just do not mesh and sometimes people are just "threatened" by anothers success within a company. These are not issues that you can handle on your own but that HR can.

   Best of luck to you!

7. GirlBossanova934974February 24,2025 at 3:26PM UTC

   I am not quite sure what the big issue is here. YOUR BOSS needs to do what she is getting paid to do. If there is a disagreement between 2 managers reporting to a department head, the department head NEEDS to get off the dime and get this fixed. Would you like to go to HR doesn't really cut it.

8. AnonymousFebruary 24,2025 at 3:36PM UTC

   Most relevant comment on this thread. Your boss needs to get involved and start attaching consequences to behaviors. Despite your good relationship with them, they’re asleep at the wheel! Suffering through this is a choice. I’d go scorched earth, you must involve HR. This has been out of control long enough.

9. GirlBossanova934974February 24,2025 at 4:53PM UTC

   Don't you love managers/bosses like this? They're paying them the big bucks to manage their staff and this manager just walks away from it.....OH. maybe we should contact HR? You think? I would give this manager 1 more chance. Please get this matter settled or we will have to get HR involved and all the paperwork that goes with it etc etc etc etc....

10. AnonymousFebruary 24,2025 at 4:05PM UTC

    I work with one of those. And it sucks. I have no advice for you but will tell you that if she is truly behaving as you state (I'm not doubting you one bit), other people see her for what she is as well. Don't stoop to her level.

11. Barb HansenFebruary 24,2025 at 4:49PM UTC

    Preface: I'm assuming that you are either a team lead or a manager. One of our responsibilities as leaders is to protect our team from toxic behavior, and that includes protecting ourselves. I’m also assuming that you and this person are equals on the org chart. If she is higher up, I would ask my manager (both in person and in writing) to step in.

    Here’s what I would do (again, assuming you and this person are equals):

    Have a one-on-one meeting (not over email). I would calmly but firmly lay out how she is expected to interact with my team, including making it clear that yelling at anyone is unacceptable. This is not a negotiation—it's a statement of expectations.

    Address the personal dynamic. I would acknowledge that I am aware she doesn’t like me based on her actions, but that does not give her the right to disrespect me in the workplace. I would outline exactly how I expect her to interact with me moving forward. Again, this is not an argument or a debate.

    Escalate if there’s no improvement. If her behavior towards my team doesn’t change, I would escalate the situation.

    I would document my points in writing and send them to her after the meeting, cc’ing my manager.

    Before the meeting, I would also share my plan with my manager to get their input and ensure I have their support. I wouldn’t ask for permission to have the meeting—I would state that I am having it because my team is being affected. The only reason I wouldn’t proceed is if my manager explicitly advised against it, in which case I would follow up via email to document that decision.

    Good luck. I’ve been in a similar situation, and unfortunately, this is unlikely to improve on its own. You’re already walking on eggshells around this person—standing your ground may be the way to regain control.

12. AnonymousFebruary 25,2025 at 3:46AM UTC

    Yep…she’s the office bully. Often folks that tend to behave this way in a work setting do so because they have little to no control in some other aspects of their lives. . And they compensate by belittling others. I understand the temptation to want lure her into a dark alley somewhere and punch her lights out. But alas, professionalism must prevail. You’ll have to go high on this one because what she’s hoping is that you’ll do just opposite, so that she can substantiate everything negative that she’s been saying. When you give her nothing, her words and her reputation will begin to take a hit. You may need to rethink pulling your manager and maybe HR in this equation. No one in a work environment should be subjected to bullying and taunting.

13. Doris NwanneFebruary 25,2025 at 7:25AM UTC

    Office bullies are everywhere. There must one insane person suffering from stress at home that disrupts the work environment by bullying one or two people. It's always rampant. Makes me wonder the importance of HR in companies who can't spot a jerk and get rid of them. Most HR are just useless.

14. AnonymousFebruary 25,2025 at 11:51PM UTC

    Oof. Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

    Secondly, you need to get your manager involved immediately and tell them that it’s time they step in to make your colleague to back off. Honestly, I’d also take your documentation to HR and let them know that this person is creating a hostile working environment for everyone. They might not have to do anything right away, because you’ve asked your manager to handle it, but they should know.

15. AnonymousFebruary 26,2025 at 1:55PM UTC

    I had a boss like this. I know this rarely happens, but everyone banded together and complained to HR. She was let go for a number of reasons. including that.

16. AnonymousFebruary 26,2025 at 3:13PM UTC

    The only way to deal with a bully is to stand your ground, respond professionally and without emotion and document every instance of unprofessionalism on their part. A bully won't stop if you respond from a position of weakness, you must state your boundaries and hold them firmly. Good luck!

17. AnonymousFebruary 27,2025 at 2:40PM UTC

    I recently had an employee that had similar behavior. As her leader versus her peer, I DID get HR involved and met with her several times about her behavior, not her disrespectful behavior toward me, but also to her team. She received various warnings was recently terminated for this kind of action. This person was HIGHLY knowledgeable in her department and we would feel the loss, but others were threatening to leave due to her treatment of them. I would definitely get HR involved and meet with your manager and HR and ask HR and your manager to meet with her. it sounds like she needs to skip the vernal warning and move directly to a written warning that her behavior needs to change. It is not your job to find out what ails her at this point, you need to protect your job, your reputation, and yourself. She needs to be dealt swiftly and effectively.

18. Zenzelai 18March 24,2025 at 4:53PM UTC

    I had a manger with this same pattern of issues. Only the leadership defended him and made me an outcast, problem and "not a team player." I was told to "work around him". In the end I was terminated but left smiling at the thought I will never see these people outside of Hell.