This is driving me crazy.

Anonymous

May 16,2022 at 4:45PM UTC

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This is driving me crazy.

I think I already know the answer to this, but an outside perspective is always good.

Well over a month ago, I found that one of my colleagues shared something that is true but unflattering about my boss with my boss who I have a pretty good relationship with. To be specific, I may have said that he has a habit of undermining me sometimes (which he does). I found out that my colleague had shared this because my boss shared that this had been shared directly with him.

It was clear that he was pretty upset that I'd said that about him, even though it is something that he does (and not just to me, to other people too). I apologized for hurting his feelings, even though if I'm being totally honest, I felt a bit like he overreacted, that his emotional response was disproportionate to what I had said (and from what I could tell, I had said was repeated at least accurately). I think I especially felt that he was overreacting because if the shoe were on the other foot, I'm pretty sure he'd tell me not to take it too personally. It's kind of his go-to for a lot of things that I raise.

In the time since my boss and I have been professional and have continued to work well together but he is noticeably distant. We're an all-remote team but we've always had a lot of communication during the day, and well, there's just pretty clearly less of that happening. But at the same time, I already apologized and I'm not sure what else it is I'm supposed to do to fix things.

Also, am I wrong for thinking that this has gone for a little longer than necessary given what I said? I could understand if I said something more sinister or more personal than what I said but really this seems like a little much for me.

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AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 5:32PM UTC
It seems like your boss has lost a level of trust with you. Finding about the problem from another source from what appears to be gossip can cause irritation. Depending on the bosses personality, it can take a bit to get the trust back. It appears that sharing such information about your colleagues has caused problems so limit such sharing in the future. Here is an article about rebuilding trust in a friendship: https://www.sweetyhigh.com/read/how-to-rebuild-trust-in-friendship-092818
AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 6:44PM UTC
You can't know people's triggers and you cannot regulate other people.
What was said was unprofessional and out of line. No because it's not based on fact according to you but because you passed it along via a coworker . So just as gossip and backstabbing are unprofessional and unkind, your passing this along was the same.
I know you'd like your boss to get over it and you down play it as not worthy of the damage and lingering effects its carried, I would point out that you need to be a bit more responsible.
AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 7:05PM UTC
I'm curious to know what you think about the OP stating that her boss would tell her not to take it so personally if someone said the same thing about her? Does that change your take at all?
AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 11:05PM UTC
I don't take on other people's bad behavior as my own. I handle myself with integrity and respect. So her boss's behavior is his behavior.
AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 8:13PM UTC
I had something similar happen to me (with the exception of me not even remembering what I said as so much time had past when she brought it up). She beat that dead horse to a pulp and then said, you know what, I can't do this anymore, you're out (paraphrasing but you get the gist). Long story short, if he's not actually bringing it up anymore, drop it. Just carry on (even if his demeanor has changed). If he is, you may want to consider if this is someone you want to continue working for.
AnonymousMay 16,2022 at 9:07PM UTC
He’s not bringing it up anymore and hasn’t since the one time we spoke about it.
AnonymousMay 17,2022 at 12:30PM UTC
I have been here with a boss a few months ago. Sadly he got terminated recently but reason I do not know. When it comes to people like that you gotta give them time to think. Sometimes things work out in a weird way (as you see for me). You know your audience, play the game. That’s also if you want to stay with this company.
Valerie RiegerMay 17,2022 at 12:46PM UTC
Your boss is acting like his feelings are hurt because they probably are. And he is entitled to those feelings and the space that he needs to process what was said - just as you would be if something like that was said about you.
The person you should have shared those comments with was your boss, not your colleague. Yes, you've apologized. But what you haven't done was have an open and honest conversation with him about how you feel and how to move on from where you are now.
JJMay 17,2022 at 7:10PM UTC
Maybe (just maybe) his distance is his attempt to avoid undermining you?
Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career CoachMay 17,2022 at 7:58PM UTC
he might feel like a "bad boss" for you thinking he undermines you. he's also probably just embarrassed. you could casually talk about it on a 1:1 meeting with him and let him know you maybe didn't handle the situation in the best way and should've brought it up to him first instead of talking about it to someone else. Regardless I think this will help him respect you more for taking responsibility that you said it to someone else. I'd be prepared to give specific examples of when you feel like this has happened to you so you both can talk about it. It may be a big misunderstanding or a time for both of you to learn something and how you can work better together? Hope this helps!
Ann BraunMay 18,2022 at 12:34PM UTC
I agree with this answer. I would also recommend telling him that you take responsibility for this misstep. Tell him that you realize that you were wrong to talk about him behind his back and you have learned that this was unprofessional and you will be sure not to do it again.
Bretley DannerMay 18,2022 at 12:27PM UTC
Umm, just as you felt you had the right to express your option to another person, and co worker, and then reiterate to your boss once he was told by another - Your boss has the right to take it in however he wants.
Maybe he heard you, and is being thoughtful at this moment. Give him the space to be human… Whatever he is feelings, they are his feelings not yours.
But, the fact that someone else undermined you, by telling him what you said, that would piss me off. If you are glad he was told, or not, be patient with him. Again, he is your boss, but he is human too.
If it all becomes too uncomfortable, or you feel badly (which you kinda seem to be), then just ask him. Are we alright? Maybe followed by saying something nice….
AnonymousMay 18,2022 at 12:29PM UTC
There's nothing else you can do. "Let it go". Be nice, be professional and move on. It's his decision whether to accept/refute/forgive or whatever....not yours. You said it, he heard about it, and you apologized. At the same time, there's truth in what you said...and he's heard it. He might be acting this way in retaliation or embarassment or whatever, but his "reaction" is nothing you can control. Move on and be professional.
AnonymousMay 18,2022 at 12:38PM UTC
My first question is, why did you apologize to your boss if he does in fact undermine you and others? This isn’t a rhetorical question, but I do wonder why.
Friendly suggestion is to not take his reaction personally. My opinion is that if he is still taking it as a personal injury, then he knows theres truth to what was said but doesn’t recognize how to deal with the feedback. My suggestion is to face it head on but from a different angle. Provide actionable things to the individual in a constructive and time specific way. Mainly for how to provide feedback you wish he could provide to you, but also to show
him that this isn’t personal. It’s business, it’s growth, and it’s work.
I would also offer a counter of, reinforce positive behaviors that you do appreciate of him and others in a semi public setting as well as your 1:1s with them. Having been in this situation before where my manager just could NOT accept anything but glowing praise, this was one of the best courses to have the individual listen.
For what it’s worth, if they still keep a distance then the next option is to talk it over with the colleague that shared that feedback to your boss. Basically have them help repair THEIR mistake. Quite frankly, that they shared what is YOUR feedback not theirs is onus on them to support you for speaking on your behalf.
Good luck!
AnonymousMay 18,2022 at 2:27PM UTC
I apologized because I felt bad that he was so upset, and while I do feel that he does undermine me sometimes, I didn't intend to hurt him. I also felt like I had to apologize for what I said as a means of taking responsibility for what I said.
It's interesting what you say about his ability to take feedback, because when I've shared less than positive feedback he doesn't take it well. When I shared that I thought a particular issue had arisen because a new policy hadn't been clearly articulated to everyone participating in this process, his response was "So, this is my fault?" (because he's everyone's boss). My answer was no that it wasn't his fault that many people hadn't communicated properly in the process-myself included-but still, the comment wasn't well received.
BethMay 18,2022 at 12:51PM UTC
Thoughts:
1) passive aggressive behavior is a thing
2) the truth hurts
3) don’t trust that colleague anymore
4) your boss is acting like a wounded bird, not your problem
AnonymousMay 18,2022 at 2:30PM UTC
I love everything you said here. I haven't spoken to that colleague any more than is absolutely necessary since this happened, and don't plan to move forward. I've also been very careful about what I say about anything in their presence because I assume that they're an open drain and everything will run right through them.
MonicaMay 18,2022 at 3:10PM UTC
I totally agree with these points!
ChrishoggMay 18,2022 at 1:09PM UTC
I had a hard time understanding what was / is going on here, but from what I gather, whatever it is started with you complaining to someone other than your boss about your boss's actual / perceived habit of undermining you.
Next time (and it sounds like there will probably be a next time) the wisest thing you could do, would be to approach your boss directly and privately, and not involve others.
Terrie McWhorterMay 18,2022 at 1:54PM UTC
Sounds like your boss has never had any feedback training. We have feedback, we have huddles and we feel safe enough to tell each other when we have overstepped bounds. I would let it go and just work on repairing the bonds by being cheerful. Your boss is the one that is having a hard time getting through this, let him have his journey.
AnonymousMay 18,2022 at 2:31PM UTC
I think this is true. He doesn't seem to take constructive feedback as well as glowing feedback.
AnonymousMay 18,2022 at 2:48PM UTC
It is difficult to understand what is/was going on from this post.
From what I can deduct, you complained about your boss and your interpretation of their behavior to someone else, and it got back to your boss.
First, opportunities to improve communication, workflow, work relationship needs to go direct to that person privately and not involve others.
Since you say that you still have a good working relationship with your boss, it is important to take action and set boundaries and expectations in order to improve for the future.
Talk about the issue - whatever you view as the REAL issue. You will need to take your time and dissect what "undermining" means and how it is disruptive and negative on work and work relationship. Frame it from a "we" perspective. "We have a difficult situation with an opportunity to improve and get stronger. I take ownership of the mistake I made sharing my frustration with a colleague. That is completely unfair to me and you. We need to work in a manner that is respectful and productive." "In the future I will share my progress on deadlines, milestones accomplished, and issues resolved. I will be active in 1:1's". "Can we make an agreement that my work objectives will be outlined, my accomplishments noted, and that we will approach any issues or problems together?"
JRS.May 18,2022 at 3:43PM UTC
I believe the word “undermining” is a very negative term to use about your boss, or really any colleague. It has a very sinister connotation. If I heard one of my employees saying that about me, it would imply that I am purposely trying to hurt them in some way. And if I heard it from a third party, without knowing the context behind it, it would be even worse. If there are behaviors that are effecting your work, a conversation between you and your boss about that specific behavior is important. He/she may not even have a clue that they are effecting you this way. Number two, complaining to colleagues about something they personally cannot change, puts a negative energy in the air. That’s how bad morale starts. Number one rule, speak directly to the person involved in your “ issue” to get clarification and understanding. Number two, never speak for others unless they ask you to.
GirlBossanova934974May 18,2022 at 3:57PM UTC
Wow! How far we've gone on the Self Esteem ladder these days. I have been supervising employees for close to 30 years. I have even owned a few companies. Note to "New Boss".........People are going to say unflattering things about you all the time. Get used to it. There is always someone who is going to think they're smarter, faster, whatever. They are always second guessers. They are peers saying things behind your back. BUT you push on. You're the MANAGER and you make the decisions and you live with them. Be they wrong, you fix them. NEXT!!
AnonymousMay 18,2022 at 4:23PM UTC
I had a similar thought, that while it's not great that the OP said what was said, as a person in a leadership role you have to accept that people are going to be critical of you, and part of the job of managing people is to navigate that critical feedback. But I didn't know if my thoughts were out of step with current attitudes about such things.
Kathryn M HertzogMay 18,2022 at 5:10PM UTC
Not for nothing but I have learned through the years that I share precious little if anything with any of my coworkers because you never know who's smiling to your face and has a knife ready to plunge in your back. Someone who I respect greatly in a very high leadership role in my employer for my employer once told me they may be smiling to your face but you never know what they're doing behind your back therefore you can therefore you keep your circle small and you trust no one with who you work with any information regarding any employee or anyone else unless you are a leader and are reporting to H
AnonymousMay 22,2022 at 9:02PM UTC
Yes! This is so true! Luckily in this case OP your words were at least conveyed accurately, but next time might not be the case. You may say something that's not critical or negative in any way, but it could be repeated as such. So I agree with Kathryn.
My advice is to do worrying about it, do an excellent job, move on from it and don't trust anyone at work. Find a good friend or family member who you can vent to instead.
Audrey KirschMay 18,2022 at 5:14PM UTC
You can't control how someone will feel and react to something you've said no matter how insignificant you feel it to be. If the boss had been interested in improving the situation or seen it as a growth moment, he would have asked for examples of how he undermines people and would have wanted your input on how things could work better. He just may not be able to get past hearing the criticism from someone other than you. Accept that and move on, but don't expect him to be the same as he used to be just because you apologized.
Bosslady626650May 18,2022 at 5:49PM UTC
I’d like to offer a different perspective.
It seems from your explanation of the situation that you and your boss had established a more “friend” relationship than a “supervisor/subordinate “ relationship and have now lost the trust base that a friendship needs and are now working more professionally distant. In my opinion you can and should leave it this way. Your boss should not be your friend just as your parents should not be your friend. Both you and your boss need that emotional separation to work professionally; they need the distance so that they can be objective with praise and discipline, and you need it to give their position the respect it deserves.
The problem you’re experiencing is because you’ve both imbued the relationship with an emotional tie that is bound to cause friction that you both are obviously not able to navigate. If one or the other of you were able to push past that emotional pain and reestablish your friendly trust then it would be worth trying, but based upon the fact that your boss is maintaining distance and that distance is upsetting you emotionally still after the original incident, you obviously are not going to reach the same place you had.
My advice is to stop picking at the scar you created by speaking behind their back (which in my opinion is a huge breach of trust for both a subordinate and a friend), and accept the consequences of your actions. Your new relationship base is professionalism. If you can’t accept it you are only going to make the relationship worsen, however, time may heal some of your distances.
Keep in mind that your boss is only doing what you are doing to the coworkers who spilled the beans on your opinions.
AnonymousMay 19,2022 at 12:46AM UTC
You have lost his trust , You talked about him behind his back with a co worker , was it a horrible thing you said?
I guess that depends on what he thinks , we can all think it’s not a big deal but the feelings that count are his and how he sees it he may feel betrayed , he may feel belittled and you lost his trust and he may be upset so doesn’t want to talk to you hopefully it will blow over
Liz MilneMay 19,2022 at 1:58AM UTC
I think your colleague is malicious and you need to be careful about sharing anything with them going forward. Continue working well with your boss, don't give your colleague anything further that they can use 'against' you, and hopefully it will all return to normal as soon as boss' ruffled feathers have settled down again. If not, you might need a conversation, during which I would ask how it came up that Tattle-colleague told him what you'd said in the first place...
AnonymousMay 20,2022 at 6:23PM UTC
I would also ask how it came up. If your colleague agreed with you or found another fault, then mention that your colleague has voiced “some concerns” and in the context of that conversation you had confided her (add in “and obviously I would never trust her/him again.”)
if he asks what she said as her concerns, then politely respond that you were both venting privately and you don’t think it’s fair to say.
Liz MilneMay 22,2022 at 1:22AM UTC
I would be careful about doing that, to be honest, even if the colleague agreed with enthusiasm to OP's complaint about being undermined.
Mainly because it puts the boss in a bad place, apparently caught between two unhappy employees (which will just make him even more defensive!) and then because being 'caught out gossiping' but then dropping the colleague in it ('Well, they were doing it too!') can seem spiteful and even dishonest - not the greatest look for someone who is - at the moment - seen as being the problem...
Even if the OP's comment were mild and the colleague is trying to cause issues, I think it's a case of least said, soonest mended... (Maybe in the future, once the boss has recovered his good feelings for OP, and colleague has maybe been proven a wrong 'un in other ways, then OP can mention it - but not until then, imo)
AnonymousMay 19,2022 at 10:10AM UTC
As a leader, I would have hoped that the person would have come to me first, and discuss their feelings so I could fix the situation privately.
That you gossiped to another one of the team members shows you cannot be trusted, and are willing to engage in toxic and destructive behavior and create a secretive behind-the-back alliance meant to hurt the authority, reputation and credibility of your manager. Even if that was not your intention, that you only sought a friendly ear, your actions spoke volumes about your ability to think about the implications, possible outcomes and future consequences of your actions. It also gives insight to your character. If the shoe were on the other foot, you would feel betrayed and very measured in your future interaction with the offending party.
That the result of your actions did not give you the outcome you wanted, you are upset and don't know how to do damage control. You cannot go back to the way it was, only move on.
If this happened to me, I would hope that the person would be brave to discuss this new elephant in the room, and tell me that they see that the approach was flawed, that they see the negative outcome and results, tell me that they didn't think through the situation, are sorry and learned a huge lesson. I would want them to promise me that they would not do this again and would trust me enough to bring their concerns directly to me in the future. If someone did this, I would still be cautious but willing to forgive and extend trust again little by little.
Your boss is human, just like you. So give him the grace you would want and grace will come to you.
Sorry for the strong words, but a toxic work environment starts with situations like this, and no one wants to say it was them that started it.
Wanda ShawMay 22,2022 at 1:45AM UTC
It seems that you've learned an invaluable lesson: Not everyone in your work space is an ally, nor should you assume that they are. If I were a betting woman I would wager that whoever shared what you said, either the colleague or the person who spoke directly with your boss, did so to intentionally undermine you. They knew full well of the good working relationship between you two and either out of jealousy or spite (or both) saw this as the perfect opportunity try and put an end to your alliance or to you. What you should do from here on out is simply this, do your job. Your boss may or may not get over what was said to him. But he will not be able to dispute the fact that you are capable of handing your job responsibilities.
AnonymousMay 23,2022 at 1:52PM UTC
Now, THAT is sound advice.