Humiliated and embarrassed by Director because I laughed at the way I heard someone respond to him during an informal meeting.

Anonymous

June 17,2022 at 5:21PM UTC

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Humiliated and embarrassed by Director because I laughed at the way I heard someone respond to him during an informal meeting. All my life I have laughed briefly during conversations when speaking with others, at times when things are not funny to anyone but me. It’s usually silly and meaningless and I immediately apologize and make sure the person knows it wasn’t intentional and just part of my personality. It’s never in an obnoxious way and it’s only a few seconds until I catch myself and stop. Sometimes it just feel I can’t control it. Over the years have had to find a way to distract myself, be mindful and focus on not laughing especially during serious environments. Because of my recent humiliating experience, I did some research and apparently this is some type of neurological issue in how my brain is wired and my mom and grandfather did this as well. I’ve been with the same company for 31 years and most of the employees there know I have a tendency to laugh and they don’t take it personal because they know that’s me. The current Director held a different position there but I have worked with him with no apparent issues with me since 2015. He was appointed Director 4 years ago. His personality is very strange and very alarming at times because I can’t seem to figure out what his deal is. He can be nice, polite, considerate, generous, but he can also be immature, make poor decisions, be rude, caddy, insulting, boring when he speaks as his voice is monotone and not convincing anyone he means what he says, vindictive, dismissive, secretive, shows favoritism, excludes certain people from meetings as he wishes because he is the director running the show even when it’s part of their job, he doesn’t like you asking why something happened a certain way, he will give you a blank stare, emotionless and terrible communication skills. If that’s not enough, he will pass you in hall and never speak one day and if your lucky he might stop and speak on other days.

Anyway, over the past 2 years he has slowly removed my duties, hired a manager over me, excluded me from meetings etc. I’ve approached him about this asking why and is there a reason and he’s nice of course and has given me respect by listening and he will give me hope by telling me other projects will come up later on and he will include me on. That has definitely made me laugh each and every time I’ve approached him.

Now here is my situation that I need advice on. This week my immediate supervisor asked me to attend a meeting at 10:00 am which was only a rehearsal of a meeting to go over a PowerPoint presentation for items being considered for approval by the board later on that afternoon. I was waiting on a time for this meeting anyway because I’m usually invited because my division had an item on that agenda being approved. I told my supervisor ok no problem but I will make sure I’m there by 10:00 as I won’t be there until that time. I arrived at 10:00 walked in board room and sat down waiting for the review of PowerPoint. The Director was standing up waiting for an employee of the IT division to load it. I sat there quietly during the presentation until the attorney told the Director that he needed to capitalize the W in the word wrap-up that was used on agenda. The Director responded by saying, well it was written that way on the agenda in his monotone voice and guess what? I laughed for a second and again was my own silly mindset. It meant nothing. Well then the Director says, what’s so funny? I said nothing, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. He then says in an authoritative voice, you can get your things and leave now and go back to your office. I immediately said again, I’m sorry I apologize and please don’t take this wrong. He again says rudely and felt his anger and hostility towards me as he said again, you need to leave now because you were not invited to this meeting anyway. In disbelief of his meanness, I sat there anyway and I don’t know why I didn’t move and comply. I just smiled and calmly and politely said that I was sorry and I didn’t know I wasn’t invited to this meeting but I was only here at the request of my supervisor. I apologized once again and assured him I would sit quietly and keep my mouth shut. The Director resume is PowerPoint presentation but it was at the end and nothing else was left to discuss other than adjournment. I left and headed to my office and at time my supervisor arrived and I immediately told him what happened. He said oh no, ok thanks. I was later called in my supervisors office so he could inform me that the Director is so mad at me and he feels that I purposely want to cause a disruption and other staff members were upset because of it. He told my supervisor I’m purposely making him look bad and I find problems and mistakes. He claimed that maybe I’m someone who does things on purpose to call attention to themselves and this might be a pattern of mine.. I did remain calm after that statement for sure and continued to listen to my constructive criticism speech apparently. He said that the Director wants him to write me up and he does not want me invited to anymore meetings to represent him. I smiled and politely asked what rule did I violate? Was it because I laughed that I immediately apologized for? He said he was going to give it sometime but perhaps I could go apologize again in hopes of smoothing things over. I said no, I did that already publicly and I expressed to him I didn’t mean it and he was the one that actually caused the disruption by his reaction to me by only laughing for a second . It’s was embarrassing, humiliating, rude, disrespectful and witnessed his hostility like everyone else did in the room. I told him if there was silence after and other employees upset was a result of his actions towards me as I’m sure it shocked them as well. My immediate boss told me to just keep my mouth shut.

So, should I address this further and if so in what way? I don’t want to brush this off ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen. I’ve been there too long and know all the HR rules because I handled HR for 28 years before he took that job duty away and assigned this to someone new. Ha Ha. I am a civil service employee so I’m not intimidated by threats, demands or concerned I’ll be terminated at this point. I have never been written up after 31 years so I must have been doing my job well or I would have been fired a long time ago. I will fully and completely hold myself accountable for my laughing, but that’s all I did and feel I didn’t deserve that type of treatment in return . Again, I’m too close to retirement to walk out, but I won’t let them push me out either. One thing I learned in HR and working with attorneys on both sides is document, document, document. Thanks for any guidance on this for me.

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AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 6:55PM UTC
The golden rule when it comes to jobs is never burn a bridge as best you can.
I know there is a specific neurological disorder that causes people to either laugh uncontrollably or make random loud noises. I’m just not so sure the VP you offended knew of or believe you have this condition. Even thought it’s none of anybodys business your health condition, it would have been a good idea to pull him aside and tell him about your health tendency so that he would not take it personal if it happened again. From reading your post, I still can’t tell if you really have the disorder or if you have a hard time not laughing when people do silly things. It’s not a crime, but it certainly comes with consequences. It does come across that you’ve had some animosity towards his tempermant. Could that be the cause of your open laughter as a form of subconscious passive aggression? I am asking this rhetorically
regardless it seems as though you burned a bridge. You have 1 of 2 options. Either play the humble route and try to schedule 1on1 time and apologize if you ever offended him. That you want to have a good relationship with him going forward. Ask is there anything you can do to support his vision and daily function? That might be enough to break this viscous spell. In general people fail to see the power in humility. Give it a try, use it. You might be surprised, it may soften the dude up.
or you can apply aggressively for other roles to get out of his orbit, bc when a person is scorned, especially in leadership, it will get personal and they will use every opportunity to eliminate you if they can. And unfortunately, HRs first priority is to leadership and avoiding litigation that would run a company out of business. So if they know you have no grounds for a complaint, I suggest either playing the humility route or getting a fresh new start elsewhere,
KimnJune 17,2022 at 7:49PM UTC
Thank you very much for this. I really needed some guidance and have gained a better perspective on things by your post. I surely didn’t want to make it worse for myself.
AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 8:04PM UTC
It’s ok we are all human. And unfortunately some are more sensitive and insecure than others like the person you mentioned. Hope things work out in your favor. Good luck
AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 10:36PM UTC
If this is a workplace habit (the tendency to laugh at inappropriate times) why aren’t you seeking a formal diagnosis for this? I’m wondering if some meds or a counselor can help you manage this response differently. You commented that you’ve had this habit for some time and you’ll usually apologize after it happens. This is your responsibility to manage this, no one else’s. It’s unfortunately coming to bite you right now so time to take action.
My first place would be a conversation with this director where you take 100% responsibility for yourself and your actions. You made him look like an ass in this meeting by laughing in response to someone pointing out his error. Saying that you meant nothing is a mockery. It happened, you bought and paid for this so take ownership without deflecting of ticking down a list of his shortcomings.
Then I’d explain this suspected neurological condition and what steps you’re taking to address your laughing response on the workplace.
You’re frankly going to have a difficult time mending fences with this person. I’d keep my head down. Best of luck as you navigate this challenging situation.
AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 2:27AM UTC
Thanks for your advice on this. I think I will just write a letter apologizing for this incident and go from there. Speaking with him never makes me feel he is listening anyway. Because of this, now I know what I need to change for a different outcome and it’s me..
AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 12:07PM UTC
A letter isn’t enough, you’ll look insincere.
Put your big girl pants on and address this in person. End this cycle with your boss by having an authentic and candid conversation. You’re still deflecting by criticizing yOur boss saying he doesn’t listen! Do yourself a favor if you want to keep this job and recognize your role in the demise of this relationship.
AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 1:21PM UTC
Well said. The attitude of minimizing the outbursts is far more damaging and inappropriate than the laughing. OP doesn't seem to grasp how completely out if line her nervous laughter affliction is others. After 31 years she has lost her ability to be professional and respectful.
AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 6:37PM UTC
Correct! Spot on.
AnonymousJune 19,2022 at 12:50PM UTC
It's almost like you don't know anything about neurological issues. Like this has LITERALLY been documented as a part of a group of neurological issues, including Turette's. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20683924/#:~:text=Pathological%20laughter%20(PL)%2C%20defined,part%20of%20their%20tic%20repertoire.
What the OP needs to do is get with a medical team and get an official diagnosis, so she can get that on file with HR. And then her company needs to actually address people's inappropriate reaction to someone's neurological disorder.
AyianJune 19,2022 at 12:50PM UTC
I am frankly deeply disturbed by the blatant and rampant ableism in the comments here, especially yours. The OP isn't disrespectful or unprofessional here. Their brain does a thing which they do not have complete control of. In most circumstances it does not present an issue and where someone's ego is not so fragile, they are able to accept an apology. This is a known tic of this person and should only be taken maliciously if there are other actions to back up that interpretation.
This is not nervous laughter in the way you meant it. They are, in fact, amused, as they stated. They are unable to fully control the nervous system response of laughter.
1 in 5 people are neurodivergent. For people in the majority, it can seem intentional when a neurodivergent person is unable to follow the social script for any reason. Consider giving people the benefit of the doubt. There are more people who struggle to do what seems to come naturally to you than you seem to know.
Michelle S.June 19,2022 at 2:47PM UTC
Wow. I see that FGB has changed right along with society. That’s the issue with requesting advice from others. You’re going to hear from even those that have no clue. There’s nothing about your response that is reasonable. It’s not nervous laughter. It’s psychological laughter. My brother-in-law has the same ailment, plus many other tics (it’s called Tourettes) and she isn’t minimizing a disability… you are taking this out of a passive aggressive supervisor who should be further along emotionally and professionally than where he is. But clearly, he’s not equipped for his position if he can’t do better. An adult would approach another adult, especially one that has been apologetic in public, to see what the issue is rather than taking offense like a little baby boy. I don’t think the poster is at fault at all and that’s just my 15 years of experience as a director of HR. ??‍♀️
AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 1:51PM UTC
Thank you and I will have this conversation in person now after reading your reply. I never thought of it that way and I surely don’t want to appear insincere.
Michelle S.June 19,2022 at 2:40PM UTC
I really don’t think you have to worry about that. Just remember, you have to do what is reasonable. You’ve already apologized and if you want to do so in writing for documentation, feel free but documenting an apology insinuates that you did some thing wrong in the first place. I would let all of that lie and try to seek a diagnosis. You will be untouchable and continue on your merry way and hopefully, it’s some point, be able to distance further from this person professionally.
Michelle S.June 19,2022 at 2:39PM UTC
Wow. You talk about tone but have you listened to yours? She put on her big girl pants and apologized publicly in front of another person, and it was enough for her to stay in the meeting so she supposed to do it again? Nobody is reasonable anymore. She was a big girl, 31 years of tenure again, and it sounds like the little boy needs to grow up. She’s not worried about her job, then get a diagnosis and move on because they can’t do anything anyway.
Michelle S.June 19,2022 at 2:41PM UTC
PS.
She’s gonna keep her job because she has 31 years of tenure in civil service. No need for explanation points…
Michelle S.June 19,2022 at 2:38PM UTC
There’s absolutely no meds for low level Tourette’s. Odds are very slim for a neurological condition that would just cause occasional laugh.
AyianJune 19,2022 at 7:52PM UTC
I think it is highly inappropriate for people who aren't into brain science to make such sweeping statements as yours.
Inappropriate laughter is easily described in Pseudobulbar affect, which is only inappropriate laughter and crying, with laughter being the most common symptom. Persons with it are capable of being aware that it is socially unacceptable and even feel shame.
There's more to brains that even brain scientists are currently aware of. It's best not to speak with the voice of an expert when you are not one yourself. I'm not an expert either and Pseudobulbar affect is just one possibility for the OP to discuss with a neurologist or other mental health care professional.
Michelle S.June 19,2022 at 2:37PM UTC
She did apologize and he didn’t care. So she supposed to do it again? Some people just can’t be helped. So her apologizing to him immediately, which is obviously enough because he let her stay, then sounds like she just needs to bow out of his way, get a diagnosis and do whatever it takes to avoid him so hopefully he can get his own self fired. She has 31 years of tenure, she’s doing just fine.
AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 10:48PM UTC
Perhaps you can get tested by your medical team for your brain syndrome. Something like Turrets Syndrome and deliver that medical evaluation to your HR and supervision.
There is definitely something wrong with your laughter at inappropriate times. I know you think a second or two of laughter should not create this kind of reaction but it can build into a slow alienation. Your job responsibilities has suffered, you are now being branded as someone who cannot control herself and must not be included in any public meeting and even written up.
If none of this is intentional, it must be something else.
Speak with HR and let them know you'll be seeking medical support for these inappropriate outbursts.
AnonymousJune 17,2022 at 11:02PM UTC
You are perceived as highly passive agreessive and inappropriate. They don't understand that you have a disability. This is something you need to make everyone is aware of. As much as you are convinced this is harmless and nothing really, it is very much something to be addressed.
It sounds horrible to be so misunderstood but I can also see how it could be seen as something intolerable by people who don't understand your disability. You don't even understand it fully and therefore do not take other people's reaction as credible. You actually tried to dismiss your behavior as no big deal. Which is also not right.
If you want to keep your job abd not be seen as a liability because of your condition I would seek medical help and let people know you are working on this.
AyianJune 19,2022 at 12:40PM UTC
Neurological differences like this one are generally not clinically treatable. Certainly, they can seek medical advice or diagnosis to provide to HR, but your implied expectation that the OP fix their brain posthaste is incredibly ableist of you.
This person has been employed here for nearly 3 decades. Clearly their behavioral tic IS no big deal. This is about a man who can't manage his feelings appropriately. Unless he has a neurological disorder, that is treatable with therapy.
AnonymousJune 19,2022 at 12:53PM UTC
Yes. THIS right here. This is not about her disorder but about a man who can't control his own emotions.
AnonymousJune 19,2022 at 3:56PM UTC
It is definitely a huge deal when it goes without acknowledgement and others are left with the impression it's deliberate, passive aggression. This has resulted in the OP being kept from meetings, requests for writeups etc. There is definitely a reason why this person has been at the company for 31 years but her tenure is a risk. This manager is not being admonished for his management of the situation.
I belive in open communication and acknowledging the elephant in the room.
AyianJune 19,2022 at 7:41PM UTC
The OP clearly stated that they apologize immediately. That is not 'without acknowledgement'. There are not requestS for writeup, there is one request, also clearly spelled out in their post. Yes, there IS a reason they've been there for 31 years - they do good work and their uncontrolled, brief laughter has not been a problem meriting a conversation or writeup prior to this managerial person taking personal offense, even after apologies are made.
For someone who believes in open communication, you seem to have failed to listen the first time around. Worse, it was in writing, so you could reread it to make sure that you got the information straight.
I don't believe in arguing with people who can't be bothered to get the story straight in the first place. It's a waste of everyone's time. Let's stop now.
Michelle S.June 19,2022 at 2:36PM UTC
It looks like one person has a problem with her behavior and that person has issues as well. I don’t think it’s an issue at all and with her having more tenure than anyone I know personally, I think it’s just fine and it’s obviously the manager.
AnonymousJune 18,2022 at 3:12PM UTC
Agree with getting your situation documented ASAP, perhaps by a clinical neuropsychologist and document to HR that you are in process of addressing it. This could be a learning experience in neurodiversity for everyone.
AyianJune 19,2022 at 12:34PM UTC
Neurological issues like a tic or abrupt, brief laughter are generally not clinically treatable. This is likely not an "I'm working on a solution" issue. In this case, advising HR and having them discuss as necessary with the party who has a problem with a perceived problem with it is all there is likely to do here.
Not all neurological differences are ones that merit intervention.
AnonymousJune 19,2022 at 12:52PM UTC
Pathological laughter is a hallmark of some neurological disorders, including Tourette's. Which I'm guessing you've found out. I think your best bet is to get with a medical team to get an official diagnosis and then take that diagnosis to HR.
Then there needs to be some training at the company about disabilities.
AyianJune 19,2022 at 12:57PM UTC
Dear OP, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. There's been a LOT of ableism here in the comments. It is my hope that you do not take it to heart that there is something wrong with you or how you have approached the situation. From your perspective, you did everything you could do.
At this time, the best things you can do are to seek a formal diagnosis and provide that to HR with a description of the interpersonal tension. A one on one with the offended party might help or it might go unheeded. You really can't control their reaction, but you can send a follow up email outlining what you discussed regarding your uncontrollable laughter and cc or bcc HR on it.
Donna RockwellJune 19,2022 at 3:45PM UTC
She's human! Good grief!
AnonymousJune 19,2022 at 4:04PM UTC
I'm sorry you're having trouble with this man. It seems like he's having more trouble with you though. You have some excellent advice in the previous comments and I agree that you should look into getting a formal diagnosis and possibly sharing that as an explanation for your behavior.
One thing stuck out to me though. He said "you can get your things and leave now and go back to your office," but you didn't. I think that if a superior were to tell me this I would be out of there ASAP! You're lucky that your job is secure because this seems to me like insubordination. I suggest you address this as well as the laughing issue if you do end up talking to him about it.
AnonymousJune 19,2022 at 6:39PM UTC
Thank you and I appreciate your response. I am grateful for all the honesty I received by everyone and it really helped me gain perspective on this very hurtful experience for me that also cause someone else to react to me with so much anger. Last, in response your comment with me not leaving, well I questioned my actions by remaining in my seat and it was like I didn’t believe him or I had a delayed reality accepting did he really say that and did he meant it. It was part of his character Ive seen in past 4 years is all. I just kept trying to smooth things over the best way I knew how. I know that is a form of insubordination and more than likely that’s what will be used when I get my letter of reprimand. I can’t go back and change has happened and I did laugh which is factual and I certainly take full responsibility and will accept my letter of reprimand on this. This was a wake up call for me and learned a very humiliating and embarrassing lesson because of it. Thanks so much.
Pat RoqueJune 19,2022 at 10:06PM UTC
we preempted a client situation by quickly documenting your condition and presenting to hr BEFoRE they potentially hit you with a Performance improvement plan…a 90-day probation warning that your job is at risk. Ask a lawyer…better on the offensive.
AnonymousJune 20,2022 at 1:36PM UTC
I hope you don't think I was responding with anger. If anything I would be angry with that jerk of a boss! I feel nothing but empathy for you!
AnonymousJune 19,2022 at 9:19PM UTC
You don't see to grasp the situation and the result of your downplaying your condition is having on others.
I understand your desire to continually sweep this under the rug but even those with disabilities much take responsibility for the damage they cause by ignoring the impact of not handling their disabilities in a professional and respectful way.
I'm not blaming you for your affliction but I would say you have a responsibility to communicate.
AyianJune 21,2022 at 5:20AM UTC
Grown men are perfectly capable of managing their own emotions and as a supervisor, it is not an unreasonable expectation for them to initiate communication if there is something that is concerning them about workplace behavior.
You deeply implied that the OP is being unprofessional and disrespectful. Precisely what way do you propose would be the professional and respectful way to handle this specific tic?
AnonymousJune 20,2022 at 12:04AM UTC
Have you made sure HR is aware that the laughter isn't voluntary? Because of you have something along the lines of OCD/Tourette's/Anxiety disorders or another neurological condition and someone tries to take retaliatory action against you as the result of said tic....you're covered the the ADA if you're in the US. (I can't speak to other countries, though the UK has something quite similar.) Absolutely NOTHING you said about this director sounds "nice, polite, considerate, generous" - they sound incredibly petty and insecure. If he's aware of your condition and chose to use it as a reason to humiliate you then you have nothing to hold yourself accountable.
However, if he didn't know and you didn't have a conversation with your manager/HR/him, etc. then the only think you have to hold yourself accountable is failure to disclose.
Sadly, there is a lot of ableism in this thread. Society is getting better at understanding these things but we have a lot further to go.
Liz MilneJune 20,2022 at 12:59AM UTC
Gosh... It sounds like your director has issues of some kind that prevent him from understanding that your laugh is not mirthful, but more of a nervous tic...
Having said that, it can be humiliating to be laughed at, and perhaps your director is a little lacking in confidence or something and your laugh triggers him into thinking you're laughing at him?
I can see both sides here, and honestly, I would either leave it, or ask your director for a quick word and fill him in on the neurological issue you have. Don't expect him to immediately fall on your neck begging forgiveness, give him the info, and then leave him to think it through. Hopefully, he'll relax if you can make him understand - but it does sound as though he's been slowly getting more and more worked up over your laugh and that meeting was the last straw... :/
Liz MilneJune 20,2022 at 1:02AM UTC
So you missed the whole 'neurological condition' thing? Or you've just decided that because you can control your laughter, swearing, body, etc, no one else in the whole world can possibly be disabled or suffer from *involuntary* conditions? Would you shout at someone in a wheelchair to 'just stand up and stop this nonsense'?
AnonymousJune 20,2022 at 3:16PM UTC
It seems, beyond your disorder, you like to stir the pot. I'm wondering why?
Brenda CrawshawJune 20,2022 at 4:22PM UTC
Wow - haven't you learned if you can't say something nice to zip it?
AnonymousJune 20,2022 at 6:27PM UTC
Exactly how is this stirring the pot? Is it because she didn't leave? One supervisor said go to the meeting, another said leave. I'd be confused as to what to do as well.
AyianJune 21,2022 at 5:16AM UTC
It seems, beyond your random acts of hostility towards strangers, you like to make negative assumptions about other people. I'm wondering why?
AnonymousJune 20,2022 at 5:32PM UTC
If I didn't know this was a disorder then yeah it would seem like you were intentionally laughing at me or my presentation so I get where the Director is coming from.
I also understand you don't have to disclose this information but with that comes the ability to interact in a professional manner and perform your job. Performance doesn't seem to be an issue but it does seem that because of this professionalism could be taken into question.
You laughed at something that shouldn't have been laughed at and it sounds like it wasn't voluntary but we only know that cause you disclosed that to us. It's also a read the room type situation. Some meetings may be more okay with that happening than others. Again, without full knowledge of a possible disorder then it just seems like you were laughing at his work.
Valerie RiegerJune 21,2022 at 4:25PM UTC
Understanding the importance of documentation, please also understand the importance of documenting your condition. I would suggest seeking a diagnosis and having that documented as soon as possible. Absent that, it would appear that you were being rude, disrespectful, and insubordinate (by not leaving when asked) to the Director. The defense of "everyone knows I do it" isn't really a defense.
As for his behavior, be sure to document that as well. Be sure to communicate your concerns about his behavior to HR. That's the first step in building your case.