Advice on how to handle a very condescending co-worker.

47 Comments

1. AnonymousJuly 14,2023 at 9:23PM UTC

   I do nothing much but hold my ground. I let her blab on with whatever she wants and smile and turn and walk away. If she needs a response, I say "can I get back to you on that?" And then before she answers just say "thanks".

   Unless your boss says you now report to her there is nothing more to do. Just allow her to speak then say thanks. End of interaction.

2. AnonymousJuly 14,2023 at 10:51PM UTC

   I used to work for someone who always called me "my dear." It drove me crazy because it also sounded condescending. Very similar situation to yours.

   I started to simply let her talk, thank her and walk away. That didn't fly. In looking back, I'm sure she spoke with our boss.

   She pulled me into her office and told me "if we can't speak to each other, one of us (me) would have to leave." It was at that point that I told her how I felt about THAT phrase. She never said it again.

   Think about it.

3. AnonymousJuly 15,2023 at 12:05AM UTC

   I've had this experience, and finally skirted around the assistant and let my boss know that the asst was difficult and rude. Things changed for the better after the boss had a sit down with the assistant. A year later, new assistant brought in who is great to work with. If that rude assistant is that way with you, guarantee she/he is that same with other of your peers. They need to speak up. Just tell him/her that you need them to bring your request to the boss. If she doesn't, start with Emailing your boss stating that you tried to reach out through the asst to no avail. Best of luck.

4. Amara HafeezJuly 15,2023 at 12:51PM UTC

   I have been in this position- not yours the assistant.
   Behind the scenes I was told to be in place of the boss. I have much more experience and thus had to ‘help’ peers when they either didn’t know or needed help. I think I made big mistakes huge ones in terms of my vocabulary and approach and I too have been reported as condescending- please give this individual a chance by telling them how their approach makes you feel. Let them know you appreciate it and how nice it is to be able to talk about things openly. Believe me their ‘advice’ may be coming from a good place - and you may be helping bring the team together! No one wants to be disliked by their peers and isolated let alone be reported on. Hope that helps x

5. AnonymousJuly 15,2023 at 7:31PM UTC

   I wholeheartedly agree with Amara, as I have also been in this very situation.

   I was burning bridges when I felt dismissed by executive directors and managers. I would have very much appreciated a soft, open conversation letting me know how I was coming across.

   It took many years of study to shed old communication habits and I have become a valued and respected part of the team. No longer the barrier to my boss.

   Try engaging with the assistant before going directly to your boss.

6. Cindy GloverJuly 18,2023 at 1:05PM UTC

   Great perspective

7. Karen PatwaJuly 15,2023 at 12:51PM UTC

   I agree with the other comments. I would also gently reinforce the differemt roles you each have when you're having work conversations or discussing next steps around projects. And use language that implies that there is no hierarchy in your relationship, ie "collaborate", "check in with each other", and walk away from the conversations before anything rude comes up with a thank you. I agree you should not be condescending or defensive in return. If the still behavior continues, you can escalate the response.

8. Joyce Breitweiser HallJuly 16,2023 at 2:22PM UTC

   If you have a conversation with the administrator and I recommend you start there, begin with, “Help me understand” and “I feel…”

9. Cyndy TrivellaJuly 16,2023 at 2:23PM UTC

   Most people don’t understand their word choices nor do they focus on their tone. I believe there is such a thing called “tone neutrality” (A term I made up) which is basically a mainstream way of speaking that satisfies the id and ego of most people. Unfortunately, it sounds like the admin is not aware of this on any level and communicates with you in a way that is not tone neutral. Of course I can’t say for sure, but I would guess this is her communication style and it’s likely her way of speaking with everyone.
   The best way to counterpunch this is to remain calm, professional and be aware of your tone at all times, and speak to her confidently. I suspect you may give her the impression that she can “shake you up” which only fuels her feelings of superiority over you. If her behavior continues, you can try a tactic that often times works with people who act superior. Even though your work duties don’t intersect, let her know that if she ever needs a second-set of eyes to proof her work or give her advice on a project, she can rely on you. This sends the subtle message that her work may not be up to snuff and you’ve recognized opportunities for improvement and are offering your oversight and guidance (like a manager would).

10. Cindy GloverJuly 18,2023 at 1:04PM UTC

    Well said

11. misskelleypJuly 16,2023 at 7:06PM UTC

    If you're work doesn't intersect, I'd just ignore her.

12. Mary PoolJuly 17,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

    Read and then give her a copy of Magic Words by Jonah Berger and also read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I agree with the other posters that you need to address this with her but read the books first so you can be effective in communicating this without causing a rift or conflict.

13. Cindy GloverJuly 18,2023 at 1:28AM UTC

    Awwwe man - I wouldn’t do well in those shoes - albeit I tend to be a people pleaser but when someone talks down to me or as I’d they are better - yikes - good luck

14. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 12:35PM UTC

    Go with your gut and don't analyze too much. Just be direct and say I don't appreciate the tone.

15. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluJuly 18,2023 at 12:36PM UTC

    Be direct. State just as you stated in the posting that you've noticed a change in her tone when she interacts with you, and ask if there is a problem that you may be unaware of. This approach, presumably, would allow her to reflect on your statement, and she would either, "come clean", or at the very least be put on notice that her communication style when dealing with you is inappropriate.

16. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 12:44PM UTC

    I agree with asking her the question if something is wrong--asking about the behavior you notice, say how the behavior impacts you/the team, and ask if something is wrong. You don't know what else might be going on with her that might not have anything to do with you at all, and assuming positive intent to start with the question might make it easier for her to understand the impact of the tone, and correct it.

17. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 12:59PM UTC

    Telling her to assume positive intent is gaslighting. She hears what she hears, sees what she sees. Its obvious there is something, but never "assume" anything.

18. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 1:17PM UTC

    Apologies, it wasn't intended that way--you phrased it better not to assume anything.

19. WendyJuly 18,2023 at 1:20PM UTC

    In my experience when I have pointed out someone is being condescending they double down and do it more. Now if someone does it and their work is not related to mine I just ignore them and don't react. When they perceive I don't care then they stop.

20. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 1:43PM UTC

    I would ignore it just keep doing your thing and kill with kindness

21. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 2:04PM UTC

    One simple question/comment to her: "you do realize you're not my boss, right?". But then I'm kinda blunt like that.

22. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 2:34PM UTC

    I feel you are talking about me. I am dealing with a similar position. Like one of the other who commented, I am a tad upfront and have reminded her that she is not my boss, and I can do her job, even if she thinks she is above me. She is slowly getting the message. It is frustrating to say the least.

23. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 2:35PM UTC

    I agree with the last poster. I’m pretty direct and blunt myself. I would ask her why she’s using a condescending tone with me. Some people have terrible self-awareness, and sometimes need to be told directly for them to realize what they’re doing.

24. Joanne BlombergJuly 18,2023 at 2:35PM UTC

    I just smile, and go with it. I know who my supervisor is, and so does she.

25. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 4:56PM UTC

    3 different approaches you can take -

    1- pull her aside give her an example of her tone and delivery and remind her that while you can take information she is not to give you direction as you don't report to her.

    2- Tell the boss and in a soft way let him know that this is concerning and that you would like him to have a word with her.

    3- Speak to HR and let them know what is going on.

    If it were me I would speak to her first, if that does not shift the tone then bring the manager into the conversation. It's clearly a power struggle and she doesn't want to share the boss with anyone else because it deflates her power position...not a very professionally mature person IMHO.

26. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 5:32PM UTC

    I've dealt with people like this and its been my experience that they are often narcissistic and impressed with their position. I don't know your boss, but if he/she is type of person to take a hands off approach and delegate most activities related to running his office to her, she may have an inflated sense of self importance. If you call her out on her behavior or she may triple down and make your life even more difficult. I would approach it from a "I'll take down the information you're telling me but if you want me to make a change to how I am doing a process, I want to speak directly with boss."

27. Monette AndersonJuly 18,2023 at 5:52PM UTC

    I think you need to approach this, directly. I would use "I feel" statements and have a direct conversation. Since you don't know her motive I would use either the DESC method or start a little softer and say "I've been feeling like you've been acting in x way toward me. Some examples are ... I wanted to see if I've done something to offend you or how we can work more collaboratively going forward." This is a great resource https://your.yale.edu/sites/default/files/adviformanagers_usingdesctomakeyourdifficultconversations.pdf

    If it goes sideways or she reacts poorly, that's when I'd give my manager a heads up about the conversation (and I'd try to be the first person to broach that subject so they hear your side first) and just say "I wanted to make you aware of a conversation I had with x about her treatment toward me. She didn't react well so I wanted to let you know. She may approach you." Conflict is uncomfortably but 20 years of work experience in a leadership role- I can tell you it's really the best approach.

28. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 6:15PM UTC

    Great response and solution!

29. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 5:56PM UTC

    There are lots of people advising to ignore it, or who have responded very aggressively. I would be cautious of both approaches as a VP at a company. The goal is to be appropriately assertive. If it bothers you, ignoring it makes you a pushover. That may be the right approach for some people but if it bothers you enough to post here, you probably need to address it. Responding overly aggressively makes you the problem (that's responding as a bully and being aggressive, not assertive). It's about setting boundaries. Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office is a great read for those in this feed who may be struggling with being appropriately assertive.

30. Dee DeeJuly 19,2023 at 1:36PM UTC

    Yes! I have the book and after reading it, I got the office!

31. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 6:00PM UTC

    You have mentioned lately. This indicates a change. As stated she works closely with the boss, could it possibly be that she has been privy to information that you have not?
    People usually act up when they have some sort of support.Observe the situation/ dynamics. The last thing you want is to put her in her place & end up eating humble pie.

32. AnonymousJuly 18,2023 at 6:03PM UTC

    Even if privy to information the other is not - why would that excuse someone being condescending?

33. AnonymousJuly 23,2023 at 6:16PM UTC

    the advice is not to excuse. It is to know how & when to manoeuvre to her advantage.

    failure to execute properly could place her in a position where she is made to look like the problem.

    chess not drafts

34. Liz MilneJuly 18,2023 at 9:44PM UTC

    Mildly ask her why she's using that tone with you, and then remind her that you *both* report to your boss/ that she is not in your line of management.

    Honestly, if it was me, I wouldn't hesitate to put her in her place: she's started it by having attitude with you?

35. Bridget HarringtonJuly 19,2023 at 4:09PM UTC

    I have a coworker like this. With most people, you can "put them back in their place" when they say condescending things by answering them with, "That's interesting. Why did you just say that to me?" Some people honestly don't realize how rudely they come across in their speech. But with this coworker, she'd answer with another rude remark. So I finally said to her, "You don't have to like me, but I demand respect while we're at work. If you cannot communicate with me in a professional manner, silence is an option that you should consider." She mostly avoids me now. But in the rare instances where I *have* to work with her and she's rude, I'll say, "I'm not engaging in this with you today." She has also been known to send me snarky emails. I will just "greyrock" her. I'll respond with "OK" or "got it." And I will save both the email and the reply. We have had some changes in management at my company and she will no longer have the protection of the person who has given it to her for 15+ years. I may need those emails as evidence of ongoing behavior issues. Documentation in these situations is always a good thing.

36. maria roseJuly 19,2023 at 5:28PM UTC

    There’s plenty of people like this in the workplace, and what you have to stop doing is figuring out how to befriend them and concentrate on doing your job as well as possible. Most likely, this person does this reaction as a self-enforcement of their inner insecurities. You don’t need to become their friend as they are just your coworker who you have to spend your work schedule time with. Apparently your boss is more concerned with the end result of the work than how you interact with your coworkers. Concentrate on your job and your performance and ignore any and all verbal comments from this person unless they are discussing how to achieve the work end goal—listen to their verbal comments with a filter removing the tonal effect of the wording.

37. Regina BrownJuly 19,2023 at 8:45PM UTC

    Honestly, I take the high road...smile and say "I understand" and "Thank you"...nothing else...

    You also may want to ask your boss the "chain of command"?

38. AnonymousJuly 20,2023 at 7:24PM UTC

    As an EA, most of us are good, seasoned, respected team players, who know who are playing us (or trying). Sadly, it sounds like you had interactions with those who bring the profession down. Unless a small company, most do not handle the exec personal life, we are here to ensure their work life is organized and that we handle what we can so they can work on the bigger picture items.

39. AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 6:15PM UTC

    Agree with you, mostly,fellow EA. I'm at a very large national company, and I support my executive with all sorts of personal things (she has let me know that I can say no without any problem if I don't want to. But I love my boss & the entire team. I am cautious with some other colleagues with director and up titles just to set appropriate boundaries, but always remain professional and kind. Never want to burn bridges, though will call someone out if they are rude to me. It won't stop me from assisting them, though may only be to what's expected, not the full overly helpful response I am popular for.
    If the assistant is blocking your way to your executive and being a barrier to you getting your work completed, absolutely email the executive letting them know you've reached out to the asst and haven't been successful to schedule time.

40. Victoria NoltenJuly 23,2023 at 1:32PM UTC

    I have a different perspective than most. I think you should tread lightly. Unless you are 100% sure what her relationship with her boss is you may want to consider all words out of her mouth the same as from your boss. You may not like the tone and I would focus on that rather than what you perceive to be the chain of command.

    Maybe say something like “hey there, lately I’ve been working with my coach on interpersonal relationships and how to best communicate with all different types of personalities. Frankly, I feel like our relationship could use some fine tuning. Can we have coffee next week and discuss how to best work together?”

41. AnonymousJuly 23,2023 at 6:42PM UTC

    The only way you can respond to this is with your CONFIDENCE. She knows what she’s doing to you, getting under your skin, doubt yourself, over analyzing, intimidate etc etc etceverything you are precisely doing on this post. is she an overweight middle aged woman or is she younger who thinks she’s all that?it doesn’t matter! what matters is that this is precisely what she wants and she’s getting it. I don’t care if she’s the PA , EA or whatever AAthese are all the imagined false constructs in your and her head. I really don’t think anybody cares outside of your dynamic with her.stop analyzing because there is no answer. Only way you are gonna get out of this is with your confidence and having a gut.next time she uses a Tone, you use it back if she can dish it out, she can take it too. Confidence is key. Stop worrying about what if’s and imagined consequences

    in another words, play the game and have fun and be one step ahead of the mind game

42. Paula BrantnerJuly 27,2023 at 5:04AM UTC

    How exactly would her weight factor into this? Or her age, for that matter?!

    Body shaming and ageism have no place here.

43. AnonymousJuly 24,2023 at 2:28PM UTC

    Original poster here; thank you all for the advice. I am working through this in a professional manner. She is not a personal assistant to the VP; we don't have roles like this here, we are a bigger company, and roles are clearly defined. In this particular situation, she is starting to overstep her boundaries, not only with me but with other departments as well; many people have stepped into my office to ask why she is doing this. I am not engaging with them and directing them to the VP for answers. I appreciate all of your advice!

44. AnonymousJuly 24,2023 at 7:45PM UTC

    Shame it's becoming more of a problem. I almost feel sorry for her. Will be a rude awakening when she is counseled. But necessary....

45. AnonymousJuly 25,2023 at 2:57PM UTC

    in the same boat as you, I am a 62 adult, yet my head of dept treats like a child, very patronizing, she is the problem, someone in experience who acts like this is crap at their job and deflect attention from themselves so no one notices how rubbish the are. My advise is stand up to her and give as good as you get. she will learn when things go pear sharpe for her.

46. AnonymousJuly 25,2023 at 7:56PM UTC

    Oh goodness no! Handle professionally (read Original Poster's post from 7/24, 7:28 am PDT).

47. AnonymousJuly 27,2023 at 6:15PM UTC

    Kill em with kindness and set professional boundaries. You can be assertive without being aggressive. There are a few YouTube videos out there that help in assertiveness and such topics as phrases for emails.