Hi all, the other day I posted about a difficult and narcissistic boss.

85 Comments

1. Heather CutlerMarch 26,2022 at 3:31PM UTC

   I'd take full advantage of the coaching that is being provided to you, so you can leave this job on your terms....if you still feel like that will be the ultimate outcome. You may pick up some good tips on top of that. I applaud you for having a high level of self-awareness and recognizing that you can improve on things like not getting defensive while you're receiving feedback.

   If you feel like this corrective action plan will end in you being terminated, then consider proactively going to your boss and asking for severance package that will get you the biggest payout possible. Best of luck in these next steps, I know how difficult this can be.

2. AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 3:45PM UTC

   Thank you Heather!

3. AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 5:10PM UTC

   I've actually never asked for a severance package before. I didn't realize you could ask for one. I thought employers would just offer it, like in the case of mass layoffs.

   I Googled it and I said 4 weeks for 1 year is fair. I've been there almost a year. What's your knowledge around this?

4. AnonymousMarch 26,2022 at 6:26PM UTC

   I was employed by a large corporation for almost eight years and shortly after a new department head started, it was obvious that things were going down hill quickly. It was clear right out of the box (within her first two weeks in this role) that things would not end well. My job description was changed, responsibilities were pulled, my work product was constantly criticized...it was an awful time for me professionally.

   Knowing that this employer had a history of severance packages, I initiated a conversation about this and said: the firm has a history of severance packages and its obvious this work situation isn't going to improve. I think its time to talk about parting ways.

   I was presented with a package that included an extended end date (I would remain on the team for three months to wrap up work) a baseline payout and two weeks for every year I was there. It also included payment of insurance premiums for a certain amount of time.

   This step brought a really difficult period to an end for me and it gave me the financial cushion I needed to find another job. If you decide to approach your employer about this, the worst they'll say is no. But they may also be relieved that this really uncomfortable (and failing) work relationship is coming to an amicable end.

   You may be asked to sign some non-disparagement clauses or a release to not seek future compensation...all totally normal. Best of luck in your next steps.

5. AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 1:23PM UTC

   Thank you for sharing.

6. Kathryn GleasonMarch 28,2022 at 1:06PM UTC

   I only got positive feedback, now all of a sudden after some mental health struggles: I am being told differently. Things are looking up however I am keeping my options open.

7. Jackie GahanMarch 26,2022 at 8:04PM UTC

   Take the coaching and then find a new job. Narcissists will never change.

8. Debra SesholtzMarch 26,2022 at 10:23PM UTC

   Totally agree with Heather about taking full advantage of the coaching. Anything you gain from the coaching can be applied where you are or where you go in the future.

   In the meantime, have you and your boss spelled out what improvement in 30 days looks like? It’s important that you know how the improvement will be measured so you have every opportunity to achieve it.

9. AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 1:28PM UTC

   Thanks for your feedback Debra. No, we haven't discussed what improvement looks like; that's the thing I'm confused on. She has a list of categories that I got low marks on, but she did not give specifics on what that looks like.

   Also, I should add that I have LinkedIn Premium and I saw her snooping on my profile when I added a new contract writing role I got. This job is very PT in addition to my current job. I told her about the job before I even added it to my profile and let her know it was PT.

   She also asked me if I was happy and what the next year looks like at the company in my review. She is changing out some of the work tasks that I don't like - business development to tasks I do like - social media. I have asked her to do this before in the past and she didn't budge. I think she feels threatened that I might leave?

10. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 12:31PM UTC

    Take the coaching, for now--but in terms of a timeline, start looking elsewhere NOW, because there is no future there. Not with a bully. My guess is - THEY will be as vague and not offer much in detail so you can achieve a solid goal(s), so no specifics will be provided. And that is intentional. They do that so that they can say--"no, she/he did not reach our needs". It's all bullshit. They want to pay you less, and using this as an excuse.

11. AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 5:28AM UTC

    This is the beginning of the end. Start looking for jobs regardless because the future is uncertain.

12. AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 1:28PM UTC

    I hear that. Trust me, I am.

13. AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 1:17PM UTC

    She's a bully. Get out of there. Your mental and physical health are THE MOST IMPORTANT things to care for. Bully bosses are a $.10 a dozen. Believe. She won't change - she expects everyone to adapt to her. Meaning, you're becoming inauthentic.

    I'm a writer too - check out Upwork for jobs. Last time I checked there were over 8000 available. Get outta there, stat.

    I

14. AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 1:30PM UTC

    Oh, she totally is a bully. I was told in my review, I am not positive enough because when asked, "how are you doing?" I say I'm ok (which is honest) versus some toxic positivity BS. Ugh.

    I left corporate America thinking a startup would be better, but it's really the same. :/

15. AnonymousMarch 27,2022 at 3:36PM UTC

    Then, you are being inauthentic. How can you be your best self, if you're pretending to be something else. Run.

16. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 12:28PM UTC

    Corporate America - includes start ups! Same dog - different fleas!! haha. And a bully is a bully - whether in the school yard or in the corporate boardroom. Same shit. Go elsewhere - and do YOU. The hell with her and people like her.

17. Crystal HowellMarch 28,2022 at 12:46PM UTC

    Start ups came from corporate America, they know the product, didn't develop people skills. Do your own thing,customers are online !

18. Dcre1977March 28,2022 at 12:55PM UTC

    Thats the same bull shit I was told. The reality is they do not have anything concrete to complain about, so they attack "soft skills". Once they decide to do that, there is not much you can do because there is no concrete way to show you have improved.

19. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:21PM UTC

    I got reprimanded at a very small business I worked at for being too friendly to my co-workers. I actually had to ask the supervisors to repeat themselves. The owner did not want people becoming friends or speaking to one another during work hours. We were to stay at our desks, work and not speak. I learned a lot about toxic work environments at that position.

20. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:24PM UTC

    Yikes.

21. Shannon LavenderMarch 28,2022 at 12:20AM UTC

    Sounds like they are looking for an excuse to pay less money, so gaslighting you and trying to make it about your performance (which is total BS) is the most convenient way for them to go about it. My advice: RUN. Get out of there as fast as you can.

22. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 12:26PM UTC

    Look elsewhere - that's what I did....when faced with something this uncalled for. I know my worth, my skill, abilities, work ethic, and overall "awesomeness"! so I focused on doing everything 10x quicker, better, perfectly...while looking for another position and found it rather quickly--and then quit without much notice--left the a-hole stunned holding the empty bag! hahaha.. I will never use the jerk as a reference. He has the personality of a wet mop. I have multiple strong professional references. I came out ahead - as always. The best thing to do - is do YOU! YOU come first.

23. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:23PM UTC

    ?

24. Twannetta WeaverMarch 28,2022 at 12:33PM UTC

    She’s most likely building the case to let you go.
    I’d start updating my resume and see what other opportunities are available for you.

25. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 12:40PM UTC

    For them to say that you will become part-time if you do not improve does not make sense. I have been in HR for 30 years and have never seen that being told to an employee. Definitely find a new opportunity and leave that job asap.

26. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 12:42PM UTC

    First off, it's not you, it's them.
    Put on your "next" and "I see" face, and just let it roll off your back like a duck when they say stuff to you. Practice a neutral face when you say and give them your responses. I've dealt with 2 narcissistic bosses in my lifetime, and YOU WILL GET THROUGH. I say the above knowing it's easier said than done. It's always darkest before the dawn. Other people at your company likely see that this person is like this, so keep your chin up, and go high when your boss goes low. I found that doing stuff for others, rather than engaging in self care, helped me: I volunteered with animals, did some free tutoring to local kids in my neighborhood, and realized that I had good to give even if my boss couldn't see it. I'm sending good vibes your way since this can take a toll. YOU GOT THIS. You will find a place that values you. I know it. :D <3

27. Nj McBride WallaceMarch 28,2022 at 1:08PM UTC

    I agree with this "let it roll off" attitude. I had a boss like this that threatened my raise and bonus as a motivator. If I raised an eyebrow to anything she was saying she took it as an affront. I got very good at not showing emotion (or even the thoughts of thinking about what she was saying). It was crazy and it took me a while to get a position in another area, but I wanted to stay in my company and it worked out in the end.

28. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:22PM UTC

    Thank you! You're so right!

29. Crystal HowellMarch 28,2022 at 12:42PM UTC

    Sorry for this, some bosses power hungry. Is it in your contract for them to cut your hours? Sounds like a threat, and shows her poor leadership skills. This should have been addressed months before your review,if she wanted you to succeed. Play the part until something else comes up, consolidated your debt with your bank before income is dropped, this way the expensive apt. wouldn't be to much to handle?

    Smile,agree, leave. Good luck.

30. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:22PM UTC

    That's actually a great point about the employment contract. I'll have to re-check it. Also, the new apartment move in is this Friday and I already have had it in motion for months. It's $150 a month extra, so not too crazy. My review was last Friday. So thus, bad timing. :/

31. Diane CohenMarch 28,2022 at 12:43PM UTC

    Find a new job! I also have a volatile and abusive boss, so I found a resume writer to redo my resume and am actively looking. All the coaching in the world for you isn't going to change the environment, so you'll have to!

32. kay JackMarch 28,2022 at 12:50PM UTC

    Absolutely agree. There is no way to improve with that type of manager .

33. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 12:49PM UTC

    I do believe she’s taking action to get you training/coaching to document her efforts of trying to “help” you. If you are on a performance plan then she’s likely looking to move you out. If she were really trying to help you grow and cared, she would have gotten you the training first. I would polish up my resume, network and try to move on. It’s rare these situations improve. All the best!

34. Jesus SantosMarch 28,2022 at 12:58PM UTC

    Hi, from experience as a Manager and District manager in the field.
    When that happens get ready to find a job, before she makes your life a living hell. Its easier to look for a job with a job, than without a job.
    Hope this helped

35. Gisele DuprezMarch 28,2022 at 12:54PM UTC

    Take the free coaching and run as fast as you can.

36. Jennifer AndersonMarch 28,2022 at 12:54PM UTC

    having recently dealt with narcissistic directors and being gaslighted by my own director I agree with many of the commenters and also question if her threat of reduction to PT is even a "thing" or avenue in your company's Action plans? I'd check your employee handbook and with HR (if you feel you can trust them to not sabotage you?) I couldn't in my company and instead took a paid stress leave and left the company when I had all of my plans in order and tracking well.

    that is a very quirky statement and from a company perspective wouldn't resolve anything - really sounds like a dangling threat to make you unsteady and nervous. aka typical bully tactics. you can shine brighter elsewhere - go where your light can be received!!

37. Dawn McDonnellMarch 28,2022 at 12:55PM UTC

    Hi there,

    Here is some kindly advice to ponder- In your mind, consider this a blessing in gratitude. Your boss clearly is having her own issues.

    Think about scaling down your living- - NOT going to more expensive place. Things are a bit wonky in todays economic market .

    Use this time to accept going part time soon & BEGIN filling out , getting educated paperwork for your OWN DBA or LLC - know the

    difference.

    Coaching is a perfect career you can do on your own.

    your health benefits are a deduction and Obama care is good for a start up for your self.

    If your able to coach others , talented than this can move into many facets of coaching to help your business. If you signed any NDA’ or non competes you will need to be conscious of that as you move forward. Keep your ideas and thoughts to yourself outside of your loved one or professional people who have your best interest in mind.

    This could be the best thing that happened. I would not upscale anything in your life right now but focus on a new & renewed future that YOU will own, work for and be accountable for.

    I wish you much success. Starting your own LLCor DBA while working part time is the best opportunity. You just might be working 7 days a week for a bit. Every person you meet is an opportunity for business.

38. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:04PM UTC

    Hi there. Sorry for what you're going through and though congrats on tackling it head on.

    Soft skills is too vague. Find out exactly what she expects behaviorally from you when your soft skills are improved. If she expects other people to react or act differently, that's going to be challenging and something to discuss with HR. The focus needs to be on you and what it will look like for you to demonstrate improved soft skills. A good coach can help you navigate this and will also talk with your boss for an intake.

    This might just be a temporary strategy to stay at full-time until your new thing takes off, and that's ok. Do what you have to do to. Good luck!

39. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:22PM UTC

    Find a new job and run! ASAP...

    This is a reflection of her not you,

    Don't take the more expensive apartment.

    Good Luck!

40. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:35PM UTC

    agree with others below. this "30 day improvement plan" is already in the works; you'll be demoted. This is the corporate strategy and companies do this to cover their bases when they are considering termination. I'm sorry. My best advice is to get REGULAR exercise, and press forward. Quit the more expensive apartment contract if at all possible...Glad to hear of all the positive things you are doing to self improve. You sound insightful. You've also got a volatile boss. You're in the wrong space, friend...Move on from there . God bless and good luck. Keep us posted!

41. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:37PM UTC

    I would accept the coaching and start aggressively looking for a new job.if you can rescind the apartment move, I would.

    Regardless of your boss being narcissistic, she has the upper hand right now and she's firing you slowly. A similar situation happened to a friend and she was fired on day 30.

42. Denise RyanMarch 28,2022 at 1:56PM UTC

    this.

43. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 2:10PM UTC

    What?

44. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:11PM UTC

    Thank you.

45. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

    Get out as quickly as you can. I went through something very similar very recently, and make no mistake, a performance plan from this type of boss is not out of concern for your improvement. I was very fortunate to find something else quickly, but I honestly would rather have been fired straight-out than going through the charade and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

46. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:11PM UTC

    Sorry you experienced that. Thank you for your feedback.

47. Desiree JohnsonMarch 28,2022 at 1:57PM UTC

    Do you have an open door policy? If so then please talk to her boss. She may have an actiin plan herself already but if not then she needs one.

48. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:10PM UTC

    I'm not sure. We're a small company, so we don't have HR.

49. Belinda Shormeh BotweMarch 28,2022 at 2:04PM UTC

    it looks like you didn’t see the PIP coming. I would always take a PIP as a way of your manager wanting you out. I have seen too many people on a PIP and there was no intention of their manager wanting them to succeed. These plans are usually also structured in a way that you will fail. What does your gut tell you? Listen to that

50. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 2:10PM UTC

    As everyone else has said, start looking for a new role ASAP! She is definitely building a case to fire you (been in this position before). In the mean time make sure you document everything, times, dates, conversations, what was the outcome, so you have a timeline of events building up to this. Remember, the is more about her, not you. As they say, put a smile on your face and kill them with kindness.

    Good luck!

51. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:17PM UTC

    My mom always says that, "Kill them with kindness." I agree!

52. Orlagh CostelloMarch 28,2022 at 2:18PM UTC

    You're doing the right thing by looking for a new job.

53. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 2:19PM UTC

    Start looking for a new job asap!!

    She sounds so much like my old boss. Although I was not given an improvement plan my last review was shockingly bad for no reason focusing on soft skills not quality of work. Bosses like that will try to make you look like the problem. That isn't the case at all! keep up with the self care and focus on your exit. Stay strong, people like that are miserable inside and want to bring you down to their level.
    tips that helped me:
    Don't react to any of their drama.
    Stay calm and focus on your exit.
    Make a list of all your successes to use for future job.
    interviews.
    Maintain a healthy work life balance.
    This is a great time to be job hunting so many roles out there so I hope you can move on as soon as possible! Stay positive I now how it feels! you will be onto bigger and better things!

54. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 2:44PM UTC

    Listen to to your gut feeling and move on , if the time is right.

55. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 2:44PM UTC

    LOOK FOR A NEW JOB.
    You deserve better. Don't wait for the axe to fall. Also, there should be some remote copywriting options for freelance as you transition. I am sorry you're going through this. Best of luck!

56. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 3:36PM UTC

    I didn't read any other comments, so apologies if anything is repetitive.

    In my experience, a PIP (Performance Improvement Plan) is generally a means to an end. I have never known anyone personally who has remained with the company or in their current role within a company when placed on a PIP.

    Talking to agencies, working with a business coach and taking time for your mental health are all so important when dealing with a tough situation like this. Personally, I think it's a completely unrealistic expectation to ask someone to improve soft skills within 30 days.

    Ultimately, I think you're taking the right steps. However, don't react to only the PIP. Can the company you're with now help with a transition to copywriting? If you stuck it out, would you be able to move under a different supervisor (one who matches your style a bit better?) think about your goals as a whole and how the place you're at now fits into those goals. That should be your driving reason for changing careers and companies. Good luck with everything! If your supervisor is open to a follow up on what she would like to see within the next 30 days, I would have that conversation. Bring in HR - not to protect you, but simply as a third party to document the follow ups discussed between you and your supervisor.

57. BeaBoss645203March 28,2022 at 3:37PM UTC

    I am sorry you are going through this, but as the others said look for other work asap !! You are being set up to be let go. Very few survive action plans , all the PIP does is legally give HR legal document to back up your firing . Also, if you cn, please do not move into an more expensive apartment. It could take you a while to find another position . Best of luck

58. Sarah LarsonMarch 28,2022 at 3:40PM UTC

    I know a lot of people are saying, “look for a new job” which is one route. However, what if you were vulnerable with her and said something along the lines of, “this threat of a demotion based on my lack of emotional intelligence seems like you’re looking for any reason to try and remove me from this team. “ you could go on to flatter, “as you’re well aware, building emotional intelligence is a lifelong journey, cultivating it over 30 days feels impossible.”

    I would think she could understand that and give you something more tangible to work on. Like the reaction you’ve mentioned. You could also bring that up, and say “I know I react poorly sometimes but I’m trying and will continue to try because this work/Org/career is important to me.”

    If she has any empathy, she’ll understand. If not, run. Also, if she isn’t amenable your hypothesis is correct-she is trying to remove you.

    good luck, any decision you make is the right decision.

59. DanielleMarch 28,2022 at 4:46PM UTC

    After reading a few of the comments, I thought I should comment. I have survived a PIP and snagged a promotion after the PIP. It’s possible, just not always the case. I think it’s really great she’s paying for you to get assistance but 30 days to brush up on soft skills seems like a very limited time. I agree with Sarah. Have a conversation with your boss, her response will reveal her true intentions. I don’t think she would offer to pay for assistance if she was just trying to fire you.

60. Dawn NapiorkowskiMarch 28,2022 at 5:17PM UTC

    If you may possibly lose your job anyways, it would be perfect timing to give constructive feedback to your supervisor. State, similar to as you did above, that while you’re committed to improving your performance for the better of the team, you observe that her emotions can peek and change course from week to week, leading to a lack of safety and inconsistency in meetings. You can state something similar to “I find having a supportive supervisor who manages their internal stress very helpful in my personal performance growth with their guidance.” Suggesting management training to HR and leaving a paper trail of this suggestion would be checkmate and possibly allow you to keep your job, set boundaries, and allow the *whole* team to improve.

61. Bradford McCormickMarch 28,2022 at 5:30PM UTC

    Is this manger a malignant narcissist (that's a technical psychological diagnosis -- a specific kind of personality disorder)? Are you being gaslighted? Are you being asked to "improve" as dissidents in communist countries are diagnosed as being mentally ill and in need of treatment by the party's indoctrinators to become "normal"? You ,know: if you say you are sane that is evidence you are not sane. Catch-22. In other words, do you "have a problem" and need to improve yourself, or do you have the problem of being stuck in a very bad situation with people who are messing with your head?

62. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:13PM UTC

    Solid point.

63. Jenn IslamMarch 28,2022 at 6:31PM UTC

    Some managers don't deserve to be managers. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I recently had a toxic boss who fired me after four days.

    You don't know her intentions so document everything in the meantime. Send follow up emails reiterating what happened in the meeting. Depending on what state you're in, you can record conversations with only one party's consent (and that party can be you).

    These next few weeks will be grueling but focus on doing the job AND job search. Get outta there. You deserve better.

    Know that it's okay to take breaks, too. It's encouraged. You can't grind without resting.

64. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 6:32PM UTC

    Feedback is feedback. Learning what to take out of it to improve takes time. However, you don’t have time on your side. My suggestions is to list out what she is looking for you to improve on and then document what you will do to improve on it. Example talking a specific class and then applying it to a current task or project and tracking your progress. It shows your taking action now. Also, it’s not your boss’s responsibility for your development- it’s yours.

    Automatically trying to find another job is not helping you to improve on your skill set. It’s another excuse not to get better. Unless it’s impacting your health physically and mentally, then switching jobs might help.

65. Kimberley Ferretti HammettMarch 28,2022 at 8:15PM UTC

    Did your leader specify how this improvement will be measured?
    30 days is a short turnaround for significant softskills improvement and it's difficult to show small improvements. (I mean honestly, what are they going to do, give you fake feedback weekly to see if you make less defensive remarks?) My best suggestion might be to take that showcasing into your own hands by emailing updates on your takeaways from the Betterup coaching (what you're comfortable sharing of course, nothing too personal) to have record and initiative showing you are taking it seriously and making steps toward improvement. There is a chance, though, that this is a case building against you and there might not be any un-ringing of the bell.

    I've had similar experience and these are the things I learned:

    1- If you find yourself getting defensive when that wasn't always the case, it typically means you find something very unfair about the conversation. Try to look at it objectively and ask yourself if it really is unfair, if it's a misunderstanding or if maybe there's a hard truth there. If it is a misunderstanding, maybe you can clear the air in a way that isn't defensive (if it applies, try this format "I'm hearing this as your perspective_, this is my perspective _, how can I overcome these challenges while lessening the negative impact on you?)

    2-Work on not being emotionally defensive but don't stop advocating for yourself. There's a difference and you cannot depend on others to advocate for you. I stopped advocating for myself to be more amenable and I lost out because of it. (Don't worry, I'm better off anyway. It was a good lesson.)

    3- When you only have so much control in a situation like this (where you feel like things are stacked against you and the pressuring side is unpredictable and hard to connect to) learn how to be ok with any outcome. Obviously losing financial stability is scary but this job is not your safety net and nor is the temp agency. YOU are your safety net. While you're journaling, make a list of times you've gotten yourself out of a pickle before. Think about time you surprised yourself even! Think about the specific skills that led to what possibly felt like luck (knowing the right person- networking maybe?) and remind yourself that you are capable of navigating the next steps and they won't be so scary. Self-care is good but it's a bandaid if you are ingesting poison daily. Figure out if this relationship is salvageable and know you're valuable no matter what!

66. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 8:49PM UTC

    THIS! Thank you! As a writer, this is a great line that stands out to me:

    Self-care is good but it's a bandaid if you are ingesting poison daily.

67. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 8:22PM UTC

    I've been in a similar situation where I was PIP'd by a narcissistic boss. The PIP itself was entirely subjective and it was clear that my boss just didn't like me and wanted to replace me. Despite this, I worked hard to meet their expectations. At the end of the 30 days, my boss said I exceeded their expectations of the PIP and that I was doing a great job. A week later, they changed their mind and fired me citing that the expectations of the PIP weren't met.

    You're doing the right thing by focusing on what you really want to do/forming an exit plan. You deserve a better boss and a healthier workplace.

68. AnonymousMarch 28,2022 at 8:51PM UTC

    What?! That's crazy! Glad you're out of there now!

69. Jesus SantosMarch 28,2022 at 8:57PM UTC

    A lot of time, what happens is they have someone for that position you are occupying...

70. Anne-MarieMarch 29,2022 at 1:50AM UTC

    I work in HR and the 30 day PIP is definitely to demote you. If it is/was a longer PIP period they are hedging their bets as they may be open to you improving. If it's shorter it is to take adverse action against you. As others mention behavioural issues take more than 30 days to change. What metrics are they measuring your success of PIP on? How is moving to part-time going to change your behaviour? If it is just left to her opinion the writing is on the wall. She is just going through the required procedural motions. Other than the coaching what is she going to do as a manager to help with performance improvement long term? If there are no answers to these questions she is moving to strike.

    There is a really great app called Insight Timer that is great for meditation to help during this period of stress. But look for another job ASAP, even if you have to go part time for a period of time. But it's time to get out.

71. AnonymousMarch 29,2022 at 1:34PM UTC

    I fully agree that it is time to get out. I did not leave my previous hostile work environment where my boss was doing the same thing you describe. Finding jobs in my field was difficult, I would have likely needed to relocate; I don't always interview well, and I had 6 mos left on my apartment lease.

    I ended up resigning and was able to collect unemployment due to her threat of not renewing my contract if I did not resign.

    It was the best thing I had ever done. The weight of the world was off my shoulders and I could start focusing on the healing process. I did have to move 2 hrs away and have a wonderful job at the same salary.

72. Brenda CrawshawMarch 29,2022 at 2:23PM UTC

    You have tons of good advice and insight. I would also:

    1. Have EVERYTHING documented in writing, even if it means you send an email with "here's what I learned/worked on/observed today". Send it with a read receipt and try to get an email response. You may need this later.
    2. They are paying for you to work with a coach? Great! Use it! First, there's a chance the coach may see that it isn't YOU who needs the coaching. Again - communicate with this person in writing as well. Second, since it does seem like they are trying to push you out, use what you can learn from this coach to promote your strengths, address an weaknesses should there be any uncovered and take full advantage of them as a resource.

    Keep us posted. This situation sucks but there's always the chance that your "improvement" will shift the spotlight to her. Documentation is key through this process so don't forget to take notes. Hang in there! I think all of us has been ditched at some point and while it hurts to go through it, the lessons you learn about yourself always come back to pay tenfold later!

73. Jessica Virtuoso, MBA, SHRM-CPMarch 29,2022 at 9:04PM UTC

    Document, document, document!

    I'm currently a leadership development coach AND as someone who spent close to a decade in HR, there are two prevailing mentalities around coaching to performance:

    Remedial coaching - i.e. coaching to FIX someone
    Coaching to support someone's development

    Now, there's an added layer within remedial coaching where you are either being remediated to stay within the organization OR you're being PIP'd out via coaching.

    Given that you're saying they want a turnaround of 4 weeks...I would say it's likely the latter option.

    Remedial coaching really only works if you are on a MINIMUM 6-month timeline - asking people to become aware of their behavior and thusly shift it takes TIME. We're talking more in the 9-12 month range.

    Now...the good news is, if you're committed to the process you can see a ton of movement for yourself in just 30 days. But whether that movement translates when she's committed to seeing things a certain way is debatable.

    You mention that you find her assessment ironic given her own soft skills areas of growth. Within this statement you make a key noticing that I like to distinguish out for my clients: "If ya spot it, ya got it."

    In other words, if there is a person/behavior/thing/event that triggers you, there are likely qualities within that person/behavior/thing/event that are things you have within you...but you disown in yourself.

    We disown things we don't find attractive qualities about ourselves.

    And when we disown it, we can't see it...and when we can't see it, we can't figure out how to shift the behavior.

    Coaching is holding that mirror up to yourself in a gentle but firm way so that you can work your way through it.

    What's my point?

    I share all this to say that if you take full advantage of this coaching opportunity you're being gifted, you might still not get the outcome you want. BUT you have the opportunity to start looking at all of the places where if YOU spot, it YOU got it, and use it to propel yourself into moving through it so this situation either resolves or doesn't repeat elsewhere.

    Additionally, consider looking at this coaching opportunity AS self care. That is your space to process, learn, and generate, and that's a self care space unto itself.

    I can propose some additional untraditional self care items if you like, just let me know and wishing you lots of success on this journey.

74. AnonymousMarch 30,2022 at 9:45PM UTC

    Thank you! WOW, so wise! It's hard to look at our shadow selves. I'd love some untraditional self care items. ?

75. Jessica Virtuoso, MBA, SHRM-CPApril 2,2022 at 2:58PM UTC

    Of course. I really hope it all works out for you <3

    As for wellbeing, it touches on physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, relationship and lifestyle components. Often we might pick one or two things that might fit into things, like yoga or massage or facials.

    But, the thing is - it's SUPER wide. Some things that might fall under an untraditional self care consideration are arts, creativity, prayer, gratitude, affirmations...and it also includes things like budgets, goals, and structure bizarrely enough. Those things give the support we need for any of the softer "self-care" to have the impact on ourselves that we're seeking.

    Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions :)

76. AnonymousApril 2,2022 at 6:18PM UTC

    Thank you! ?

77. AnonymousMarch 29,2022 at 10:29PM UTC

    I’ll give your difficult boss credit for sending you to a coaching company. That’s a superb opportunity for you.

    The 30-day evaluation window is very short, however. Can you get this window extended, possibly with HR support?

    I’d say that you’ve handled these challenging circumstances extremely well and are positioning yourself to move forward in your career.

    Given the uncertainty around your job, is it feasible and a smart financial move to break the lease for your new apartment and stay put? It makes sense to cut your expenditures for the moment.

    And if you are demoted to part-time, that gives you more time to job hunt and improve your copywriting skills.

78. Melodie SoeterikMarch 30,2022 at 12:25AM UTC

    Cancel the more expensive apartment. I've seen people put on plans and then go out and buy a new car right before they get fired.

79. Leslie MillsMarch 30,2022 at 10:32AM UTC

    How long have you been with this organization? What happened during your previous reviews?

    I worked for an organization for almost 8 years. I won awards for my sales and documented praise from my customers .Every review I had included some minor obscure criticism. I was not promoted and got a small salary raise. I questioned these reviews to no avail.

    Other employees less qualified than me got promotions. Was I being set up for dismissal? No, I believe I was just not in the “popular group”.

    Sounds like high school, doesn’t it?

    I stayed with the organization because I loved the work.

    Eventually, I was offered a wonderful opportunity through one

    of my customers. I knew I had gone as far as I could in this job.Time to leave.

    I finally gave my 2 weeks notice. No real exit interview. The HR person never even asked me why I was leaving after 8 years as an outstanding employee. She just said goodbye.

    I never looked back. It turned out to be the right decision.I am sorry I didn’t leave sooner,

    No matter how much you love your job, or how excellent your performance, if management never considers you for promotion and/ or salary increase it is time for a change., because you are being undervalued.

    Don’t undervalue yourself.

    EVER.

    Leslie

80. AnonymousMarch 30,2022 at 9:52PM UTC

    Thank you for sharing this experience Leslie. So I have been at this company a year in May. I started as part-time and got "promoted" to full-time in January 2022.

    I didn't get a raise the whole time, even when I got switched to full-time. I didn't get benefits, even though I did ask. I get PTO only for major holidays.

    I will say that I've had some bad reviews in the past. I do know I need to get less defensive and apparently not trust anyone in corporate America because I've been stabbed in the back many times.

    I do have areas of growth no doubt, but I also am an extremely hard worker, I learn quickly, I take initiative, I'm tech savvy, and I am a team player. So I feel like I have often been overlooked because as you said, I am not the popular one who plays games/drinks the Kool Aid. I would love a manager who sees and acknowledges all of the amazing things I have to offer, instead of critical, unappreciative, and cheap managers.

81. Juanita JamesMarch 30,2022 at 11:42AM UTC

    I totally understand your situation. I've been there many times but this is what I learned: don't read your review while you are upset or angry. Take a few days to calm down and then reread the review. If you feel very strongly about the review see if you can do a rebuttal. Take the courses and fix the things that you know that you need to work.

    Still journal what going on in the office so there is a documentation. Start looking elsewhere, which I'm currently doing, too much toxicity to deal with in the world and with a difficult boss.

82. AnonymousMarch 31,2022 at 1:36PM UTC

    "However, she told me that if I don't improve within 30 days, I will be demoted from full-time to part" That alone is enough for you to start looking for another job. This is not a manager who has your best interest in mind. Do you really want to report to a toxic demoralizing manager? This is not healthy. You are being set up to fail.

83. Jackie GahanApril 2,2022 at 8:29PM UTC

    Don't move in to a more expensive place until you feel you have a stable job that you are happy with, or at least until you don't feel threatened. You don't want to end up strapped apartment and stuck at a job you hate on top of it.

84. AnonymousApril 4,2022 at 4:04PM UTC

    While I agree with your thinking, life gets in the way. My last lease wasn't renewed and I had to move on short notice during a pandemic and housing shortage and couldn't find anything comparable.

85. AnonymousApril 14,2022 at 1:26AM UTC

    Sounds that she is making the case to have reasons to terminate you in the future. Get your resume ready and start searching. Good luck!