I am a middle manager and have a really great employee who does one thing that drives me nuts.

Anonymous

August 25,2022 at 10:57PM UTC

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I am a middle manager and have a really great employee who does one thing that drives me nuts. I'm struggling whether this is something I should bring to her attention and if so, how. We pretty regularly get swag at our job and we have a culture of sharing. This one employee, who reports to me and is paid $70+K, is always the first in line to get anything free...whether it's t-shirts, hats, cans of water or left overs from a luncheon, she is not at all bashful about getting as much as she can. My boss has an approach that puts staff first and will often offer to staff first and take only if there is any left. I follow her lead and feel that my employee should, in turn follow mine. Recently, after a luncheon, this employee literally ran to get a container to take food home after it was offered. There were only a few containers, but she was first in line and piled on the food. I left the room allowing other lower-paid staff to get their plates and when I returned, the same employee was back at the serving line filling a second plate. At that point, at least my boss and I hadn't had a chance to get one plate, let alone two. Perhaps others hadn't had an opportunity either, but the point is, she'd had more than her fair share. As she's loading up her 2nd plate, she mentions how her family member (who isn't a resident in her house) was going to exclaim how much food was on that plate. So not only did she fill a plate for herself, but for someone unaffiliated with the office at all, while other staff got nothing. This is just an example because if there's anything free, she is always the first to take. The greediness is what gets me, that and that she' unaware or uncaring about how it looks. She is in the top 5 highest paid in the office and it's unprofessional and unbecoming. Do I say anything?

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Tanika (Nika) Vasquez - (she/her)August 25,2022 at 11:39PM UTC
I would assess the CPR - Content Pattern Relationship
https://cruciallearning.com/blog/using-cpr/
The pattern is documented in this post. What is it about her behavior that bothers you most and what type of relationship do you have with this person?
AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 3:32AM UTC
Excellent comment! Thanks for teaching me about CPR.
Tanika (Nika) Vasquez - (she/her)September 4,2022 at 4:05PM UTC
You're welcome!
Heather CutlerAugust 25,2022 at 11:42PM UTC
You have an opportunity in front of you to demonstrate leadership rather than calling her out for this poor behavior.
You could say something like: one of the things I learned early in my tenure at this company is that we can lead by example. One of my managers taught me to create allegiance by making sure our junior employees are taken care of first when it comes to free food, schwag, etc. I'd like to share how fulfilling that has been to me an encourage you to join me in that approach. Let's make sure all of our lower paid colleagues are taken care of first before we claim these items for ourselves.
To be clear, this behavior isn't cool and, frankly its greedy and tone deaf! But I feel like addressing this as a peeve won't get you very far.
I applaud your situational awareness and wanting to take care of your employees first. Best of luck to you!
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 8:46PM UTC
Amazing so many are suggesting telling her to defer to other staff members who are lower paid employees. Is this really something that is talked about so openly in your organizations?
Audrey KirschAugust 25,2022 at 11:54PM UTC
Maybe an announcement can be made when the offer is extended to let people know it's okay to take seconds after everyone has had a chance to partake of the freebies. That way you're not pointing the finger at her. Her motives may be good intentions. She may have poor relations or know people who really appreciate the gifts she provides. She could be greedy but it's hard to say anything to her directly if you don't know for sure.
AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 12:11AM UTC
That kind of passive-aggressive non-confrontational tactic is a bad idea. Everyone else will resent being lectured about a behavior they're not doing. Blast announcements should be done sparingly, and only when there are multiple instances of a problem that comes from confusion about rules or procedures.
JJAugust 27,2022 at 9:58PM UTC
Agree. That is not how to manage adult humans.
AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 12:08AM UTC
Yes, in a one-on-one you can mention that her behavior at these events is inappropriate. Explain the expected behavior (taking a little, waiting your turn, not getting seconds), and that the consequence is that the other people in the office will think poorly of her. Explain that though she gets paid more than others, the point of a social event is for people to relate to each other on a more equal or neutral playing field.
She may have some kind of underlying issue, and if she brings it up, simply repeat the expectation and urge her to get help for the issue she's brought up. If it's a cultural issue, that's trickier, but she still needs to adapt to the norms there.
JJAugust 27,2022 at 3:49PM UTC
No you cannot mention somebody’s eating habits without opening up your company to a lawsuit.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 8:38PM UTC
You should also not be sharing that she gets paid more than others. Salary information in most companies is confidential.
AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 12:53AM UTC
You may want to let her know diplomatically that "pigs get slaughtered" To be serious, the fact that she gets paid more than others is a moot point. It is the social impropriety that is awful. Some people have to be educated on such matters.
JJAugust 27,2022 at 3:49PM UTC
I’m assuming you have not worked in HR because what you’re suggesting opens them up to discrimination lawsuit so no not a good idea.
AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 8:22AM UTC
Swag has nothing to do with you managing her day to day. If it Irritates u so much perhaps you should encourage the hire ups to change how they offer up swag instead of being a free for all create individual swag bags with peoples names on it that is what my org does. It’s not rocket science just get more creative in how to individualize the rewards. Don’t bring that irritation to her, the behaviour could be triggered by how she was raised. Maybe growing up she was limited in what she received and even though among the highest paid she has not learned to turn off that switch. Try not to be o judgemental, especially since it has nothing to do with actual work
AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 3:16PM UTC
I second this. Maybe she didn't have a lot growing up, or maybe she's the only one in her family that has "made it" and she's now responsible for supporting her extended family. That happens in a lot of cultures.
You mentioned that you left the room and came back. It is quite possible that while you were gone she looked around the room and asked if it was ok if she got a 2nd plate and no one said no. Since you left you do not have the full story and are just assuming the worst because you are already annoyed that she was first in line.
The next time there is leftovers after a luncheon, stay in the room the whole time and see what happens. If she gets a 2nd plate without seeing if everyone who had wanted some had gotten their first, maybe consider mentioning it later because she might not know that it's frowned upon. If everyone is entitled to a plate, her being first in line shouldn't be an issue, it's the 2nd plate before others get their first plate that should be focused on if you decide to bring it up.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 12:38PM UTC
If you do decide to speak with her, consider using the SBI feedback model- Situation - Behavior - Impact. Avoid labeling, interpretation, assuming intention, and judgements, and just stick to factual observations as much as possible, and/or statements about how you felt. Use "I" statements. Example:
Situation- last week when we had the company lunch and employees were given containers to take leftovers home...
Behavior- I observed that you were first in line and filled up two plates...
Impact- the impact of this was that there weren't enough leftovers for all of the other employees to also be able to take some home, and it came across as a little selfish. I know that's not your intention so I wanted to mention this to you... (And pause and leave space for the other person to respond)
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 12:55PM UTC
The next time there's food, make a generic announcement that no one should get a second helping before everyone has had a chance to get a first serving. For the swag, hand it out to individuals rather than letting it be a free for all.
Nina WilliamsAugust 27,2022 at 12:58PM UTC
Smh, middle managers gonna middle “manage,” that’s for sure. Don’t bring this to her attention, it makes you sound petty, honestly. I’m surprised no one has pointed it out yet but for one, 70k is not THAT much. It is not near enough to justify avoiding office freebies, especially food, and the fact that you expect your direct report - who is not a manager - to follow your lead because you said so is very telling. Take a step back and look inside yourSELF to figure out why something so innocuous would bother you to the point you’d want to alienate an ostensibly good employee. Whom you probably forced to come back to the office in person. Whew
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 1:05PM UTC
Have you considered bringing an event management approach? That would involve orchestrating the event. Have people go get the food in groups. Say- all X group the. Watch them go, then all Y group, etc. Perhaps organizing who gets what and when makes it clear that people are still being served. It solves the problem with mechanics instead of feedback. You can say that we’re going to try this approach because last time some folks unknowingly got 2nd plates and some members missed out. State your intention that “remaining portions are slated for X team.” then the expectation is clear and anyone taking more than their share can be given feedback.
Karen PriceAugust 27,2022 at 5:42PM UTC
I think that is a great suggestion!
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 1:09PM UTC
Devils advocate. What if the 2nd plate was for her and she was still hungry? Is that different from if the plate is for someone else?
is the problem the # of servings or who received the 2nd serving?
It may be helpful to make that context clear in the announcement.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 4:21PM UTC
if the second plate was for her, fine, but she should still wait until everyone else had been through the line once before she's in there hogging seconds.
Mary AlbertAugust 27,2022 at 1:15PM UTC
I see this situation as an opportunity to have a one on one conversation with your employee and tie it back to the core values of the company or your vision for your team.
I would say something like “Jane, when the company hosts a luncheon for all employees or gives out schwag, I have noticed a pattern of behavior from you that can be perceived as somewhat greedy and self-serving.” Cite examples. As senior members of the team , we are expected to set an example and represent the values of teamwork, caring, etc. We can do this by making sure everyone on the staff has had their free lunch and gotten their schwag before us. I hope you will agree. Make sure to give her positive feedback on another aspect of her work to show that you really do value her as an employee.
BeaBoss988740August 27,2022 at 2:09PM UTC
I love this!
JJAugust 27,2022 at 3:44PM UTC
Hard disagree. She is not taking stuff from others, she is just first. This opens up huge HR issues and will kill the relationship.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 4:20PM UTC
it's not just that she's first, it's that she then goes back before everyone has had a chance to even get through once, and she's loading up containers, not to eat, but to take home for her family!!! This is not ok. I think it's fine to say something - gently and politely to make her aware that she should let everyone get through the line at least once before she's loading up with seconds.
JJAugust 27,2022 at 9:56PM UTC
A lot of what you say is not in the original post. Based on the post, I still recommend changing the organization of the event versus calling out the person related to eating.
AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 3:21AM UTC
I like the suggestion of a one-on-one, but I’d phrase it more gently.
“Jane, our company values teamwork and caring, and we especially like to build morale among the lower-salaried employees. You are one of our best and higher-salaried employees, so can I count on you to let the support staff get the first crack at swag and lunch leftovers? It would really help a lot and help us to demonstrate our company values.”
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 1:51PM UTC
There’s a lot of personal judgment coming through in your message. I suspect you have a deeper problem with this employee than you are suggesting. If you are opening up the swag and leftovers to everyone, but not only noticing, but also judging those who take it, it seems like the actual problem is your perceptions and feelings about that and not her behavior. Do not speak to her. What could you possibly say that would not expose yourself and give her a chance to complain about you to HR? Change how you offer swag. She is following the rules. What’s inherently unfair is your expectation she somehow should know because she makes $70k that she isn’t included in the free giveaways? (I agree with the poster who remarked this really isn’t a high wage, and as people tend to live in the range they are paid, she may be just as debt ridden as those earning less).
Shauna JohnsonAugust 27,2022 at 1:58PM UTC
...$70K is not a significant salary, and you don't know what her situation may be. Yeah, I think you are making an issue where there shouldn't be.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 2:07PM UTC
Omg my boss does this all the time with food and she makes almost double the salary you quote. Not that the salary matters anyway. But when there’s a staff lunch, which is often, she often starts with her to go container before staff have even gone through the line! It’s so rude!
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 2:20PM UTC
I wouldn’t say anything. You don’t know enough to be able to judge her as ‘being greedy’. First, 70k is not necessarily a great salary - where I live it’s just above the median and a struggle to get by on. Also, she may be caring for someone who is sucking up her funds, she may have an abusive husband who restricts her access to her income, she may have significant credit card/medical debt that you don’t know about, etc. It’s not your job to judge her. If you find it to be an issue, just put a sign up that says for example ‘one plate per person’. If it’s swag, it may literally just be that she loves working for you and is proud to have the swag. Keep in mind that swag is really just free marketing for your company! My advice - always assume the best in people and don’t be quick to judge. You have a great employee. Even if she IS being greedy, saying something may be highly offensive to her and cause her to check out or worse, search for another job. No amount of lost free swag/old food is worth losing a good employee over!
JJAugust 27,2022 at 3:42PM UTC
Agree $70k is barely making it in my town. You can’t buy a house or rent an apartment downtown with $70k.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 3:08PM UTC
As I was reading this, the first thing that went into my mind was "trauma". This is not unusual behavior for someone who grew up in a situation where withholding things (including food for some of us) was routinely used in anger or as punishment. When you get out of that situation, you can sometimes reflexively react to that fear, even as an adult. As much as we try to keep our personal issues out of our work life, we are a product of past experiences.
I am not saying "she grew up in trauma", because I have no idea and it's none of my business or your business for that matter. I'm saying I agree with some of the other posts that have stated you don't know what's causing this behavior. Rather than singling her out, change the approach in the way you distribute anything, whether it's food or swag. I love the event-style idea of sending people up in groups and allocating the leftovers for a different group each time.
JJAugust 27,2022 at 3:41PM UTC
Agree with the trauma comment and would add, PTSD from growing up in poverty. It might be irritating to you but there’s actually something really deeply, negatively psychological going on there and so I wouldn’t say anything.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 4:15PM UTC
Either way, something still needs to be said. She's a grown woman and needs to deal with her issues, and learn to share with her coworkers.
JJAugust 27,2022 at 3:48PM UTC
Nope. Do not mention food or eating to an employee. They can sue you for weight discrimination or you can trigger an eating disorder. If it’s so unorganized for the events, change from buffets to boxed lunches, one per person.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 4:14PM UTC
Wow. Apparently she was never taught consideration or sharing. I would have a quiet word with her about ensuring everyone has had a chance to get through the line before she's in there having seconds (ESPECIALLY for family members!).
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 5:05PM UTC
I am reading through the comments.
I grew up poor and I have lived poor most my life. I do have trauma but I do not behave like this. To me this is more about lack of awareness of others or ability to empathize which For me, growing up poor, I may have too much of to an extend that I may not even get one plate because I allow others to go first. I also agree with others comments that it is ok to ensure everyone has a place at the table and you are creating an equitable workforce. If people are not given the same opportunities, then I would say something. If this is how she acts here then how does she collaborate or work with others? It won’t be an easy conversation but if this is impacting others, it is important. Perhaps partner with your HR Partner.
Trish CunninghamAugust 27,2022 at 5:33PM UTC
Take a compassionate stance and simply ask if she's ok. Don't assume. Just listen.
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 5:38PM UTC
Honestly I don't think it has to be too difficult. She does not seem to follow you or your bosses behavior and likely does not realize how this looks. While being one of the higher paid employees certainly does not mean that she is not struggling financially, or is simply a very frugal person. In the instance of the luncheon, I would simply pull her aside before she has a chance to go after foods and tell her casually simply what you expect "Let's let the " hourly, or what ever the title, "eat before we get a plate". or "let's let everyone have an opportunity before we grab more than one plate". After a few times she should understand the expectation. Good luck!
AnonymousAugust 27,2022 at 6:28PM UTC
i don't think there is anything wrong with you being concerned/irritated with this.
i don't care for her behavior either, regardless of what her circumstances might be. it's unfair to everyone else and you are being thoughtful to everyone else by wanting to put an end to her current behavior.
see what you can do to eliminate the option for her to greedily hoard everything before everyone else gets a chance to partake.
Jocelyn LyonsAugust 28,2022 at 12:07AM UTC
I see your perspective, but you have absolutely no idea what her situation is, particularly financially. I do think it might be worth approaching it delicately as a way to help her build self-awareness, but you have to come from a genuinely curious perspective, not a judgmental one. Until and unless you can set aside judgment, you should hold off.
AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 3:10AM UTC
It is possible that your employee is greedy, but it also is possible that she was raised in a family that didn’t have enough or in a family in which frugality was instilled for any one of a number of reasons.
This is to say that I suggest that you take a light touch with your employee. That said, you might gently mention that it is appropriate to let the lower-paid staff have the first go at the food, and that it is customary for the better compensated employees, of which she is one, to hang back.
AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 7:18AM UTC
It seems you are judging this person without knowing all the facts. Her income should have no business in this situations nor should you be judging her because she makes more. It almost seems as if you are jealous she makes the money she does. If this seems to bother you look in the mirror and ask yourself why is this bother me so much? My Guess is you already do not care for this person and this is just one more thing about her you would like to add to your list about her. Before you judge her to harshly and you want to know, ask her , talk with her but stop judging her. Be more worried about yourself unless she is breaking a policy or harming someone. It's about perspective, and how you preserve her. If you truly want to know ask her is a constructive way without trying to harm her feeling or what she is doing. She may have some reason, would you want people to judge you because you don't do what she is doing?
Madam anon663August 28,2022 at 9:10AM UTC
Some people just lack self awareness, trauma aside. A gentle conversation about the optics of what she is doing should be enough.
Leader135412August 28,2022 at 12:44PM UTC
Simple, take note of how much food is ordered and what's left. Order portioned food small wraps, finger sandwiches in according to how many people will be there. So there isnt any waste(or leftovers). It'll save the company money and simplify clean up. And eliminate the little piggy problem.
Leader135412August 28,2022 at 12:51PM UTC
And an added note, if the food she is hoarding is not properly refrigerated. The people she is giving it to could get sick. And who will be responsible then ?
AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 12:51PM UTC
I had an employee like that, too, and she was the best performer in my team, but she was also always first in line for anything that is free. I was taking the team out for a dinner once every quarter and in the end of the evening she would ask me if she can also order food to take home to her DOG!!! On one of our 1-2-1s I asked her how she sees her development and if she would like to be given the opportunity to lead. She loved the idea and I offered her mentoring, which she gladly accepted. I started directing her attention towards the ideas of servant leadership and we agreed I will give ger examples when she does not act like a leader. This was one of the first things I pointed out to her and she agreed with me, she immediately stopped it and said she was grateful I told her as she didn't realize this could be something holding her back.
AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 4:18PM UTC
this is great feedback, as a leader i don't often have the TIME to go grab the free stuff because i'm in meetings or hadn't heard. but again, i do leave it for those who want or need it. if this employee wants to work into a leadership role, then i see this as a coaching moment. if she's happy where she is and she's doing a great job at work, then let her have at it. like others have mentioned maybe her life hasn't been filled with plenty and this is an opportunity to provide her loved ones with something extra.
Lynda BoothAugust 28,2022 at 4:55PM UTC
I always think honesty is the best thing. Explain your expectations and let her know what you have noticed. Give her a chance to explain her reasons. I find open and honest communication leads to a better working relationship.
AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 7:50PM UTC
yes, if the person takes feedback well.
I think taking feedback well is pretty rare. As we’ve seen on so many of these threads folks are pretty quick to assume the worst.
also, sometimes people are going through something hard like divorce and may be more Vulnerable
than they would otherwise.
AnonymousAugust 28,2022 at 10:03PM UTC
I am not offering advice, you seem to have received a lot already. I'm not saying this individual's situation is in any way like my own, but some of these comments have been sticking with me, so I wanted to say something...
I have terrible food anxiety that stems from my childhood. I have gone through several periods in my life where after I pay my rent and my utilities, there's nothing left for groceries. I currently have a very well paying job, but when my PTSD is triggered, my survival mode kicks in and I start worrying about food. Constantly, to the point if my company offered free things, I would take them - you never know, and that freebie may come in handy, and if receiving it helps me feel more secure so I can focus on what's important, I'll do it.
Liz MilneAugust 29,2022 at 6:04AM UTC
If it bothers you, yes, find a way to point out that everyone in the company should have some before anyone goes back for seconds. Perhaps next time announce generally - to everyone, not just to her - that the boss didn't get any lunch/ T-shirt/ swag last time and please can people be mindful that *everyone* likes freebies and not to take more than their fair share? Something like that?
EMILY KIKUE FRANKAugust 29,2022 at 3:12PM UTC
I have a client who is on the spectrum who does this, actually. We used to meet at a co-working space that had periodic snacks and such, and he was always anxious to grab whatever he could. Since he's on the spectrum, I realized he was just doing something that excited him and made him happy, but I did point out to him that it could look rude to other people. He hadn't realized that and scaled back quickly.
AnonymousAugust 29,2022 at 3:53PM UTC
Have you communicated your expectations? It doesn't sound like you have, maybe that could help?
Kelley Carmichael DowningAugust 29,2022 at 6:40PM UTC
Yes, I think you should bring it to her attn. pull her aside and explain exactly what you said. Upper management ie higher paid employees need to sit aside till others have received their share. Not only that but It’s not ok to take seconds esp if others haven’t had their share. She needs to be respectful of others in her team. Ive seen this myself on more than one occasion with people who make top dollar. I’m not really sure why they feel that are privileged to do so!!
AnonymousAugust 30,2022 at 8:59PM UTC
Thank you for asking this question because I was in a similar situation at my last company and I feel I handled it poorly. I was a director at the time and I had a senior manager on my team that was very similar to your employee. We are in marketing so we receive a lot of free swag from vendors as well as free lunches. He consistently took advantage of every free thing around, even if not offered. I try to hand out any swag I personally received to my team and if they don’t want it, I put it in a common area of Marketing for anyone to take. All the directors had this same practice - Give to your team first then share with the 200 person dept.
Anytime a company came to visit our headquarters I would either buy catered lunch or get vouchers for my entire team and the visitors to have lunch together in our cafeteria. The manager of the cafeteria had advised me to put a cap on these vouchers because one person on my team kept on buying their weekly groceries (not really) with the voucher. I thought she was joking. But then when I realized at lunch that this team member had enough food to feed himself for a week and 4 drinks, I put the cap on the voucher since it came from my entertainment budget.
Another time, a vendor gave me a few small boxes of caramels and 1 big boxes of chocolates. I started handing out the caramels to the team members that worked directly on the project with that vendor. I had one extra one and I decided to give it to that associate. He told me he hates caramels and can he just have chocolate instead. I told him I was saving that for our team meeting but sure he can have some. He took the whole box home! (Not sure how I phrased it, so it could be on me) I ordered pizza for the team one night, he could not eat at the 4 pm celebration so he took home the whole left over pizza with him. I mean it was leftover?
He was my right hand guy, we travelled all the time for work, it was just not worth the confrontation. I think I only noticed since I was his boss. I too had a drawer full of Wine, Leather Notebooks, Yeti mugs, Giftcards, etc. so why should I stop him.
He did this company wide. All departments had their picked through stash and he would go every few days and scope it out. Sometimes he even found something he thought I would like and bring it to me.
The only time anyone ever said something to him was when we went to a sporting event as a team in a club box at the stadium. They gave us 12 free cookies and he took 8 and boxed them up. My 7 year old asked him if she could have some:)
Again, it was just not important enough for me to mess with our relationship. After I left the company, he left shortly after due to not getting along with his new boss. He was a stellar employee for them.
AnonymousSeptember 10,2022 at 12:26PM UTC
I would have a private conversation with the person and explain the optics. I might also ask if everything is ok at home - what the person earns is irrelevant if s/he is responsible for a parent, for example, and is the only family member chipping in. You have to ask and not push bc this could be an HR issue to get too personal. I would make it clear that there’s a pecking order. Whatever it is - people who worked on a project go first, or start with assistants and up from there. I’d discuss it with your manager. I’d then put it in writing both for this person but also the entire staff of you do create a rule around it.