I need an advice. Today, I am about to resign from a toxic, filled with gaslighting culture, workplace. I am grateful for the chance to exit with grace. However, I am torn whether I should send the HR a letter detailing gaslighting and at times discriminatory behavior of my immediate supervisor? The letter would serve as a warning to protect others who are still working at the company and home I hold in great regard. While my supervisor was an instrument of toxicity, I believe that she was infected by the company's culture and was acting as its tool. I do not hold her personally responsible for 100% of the damage. But the letter would only name her and I am hesitant for the hammer to come down on her only. This would be unjust. Do I send the letter or burn in and move on with my life?

45 Comments

1. NetworkingWomenAugust 23,2024 at 1:47PM UTC

   Ask for an HR exit interview and provide the feedback. I’ve seen companies take action, especially if multiple people are reporting leaving for the same reason.

2. James WarkAugust 23,2024 at 2:01PM UTC

   Burn it. Move on. Spend no more of your energy on these people. Your old supervisor is the companys problem and not yours now you are leaving.

3. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 2:02PM UTC

   That's entirely up to what would make you feel better/improve your life in some way. If you're staunchly justice oriented as some are, it might be better to speak your truth as some form of relief/justice being served in some way. If you are super empathetic and genuinely worried this person will harm others unless you speak up, then do it. But if it gives you too much anxiety, shame, or otherwise was a grievance between only you and this supervisor (and more a matter of hurt pride), then perhaps it's not worth your energy and stress.

   It largely depends on your needs and what's healthiest for you /what feels right.

4. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 2:02PM UTC

   Send a resignation, including HR. Separately, request an exit interview with HR. Been there, done that. It may get nowhere, but I was in such a toxic situation (I didn't necessarily resign, more like I reached my breaking point, closed my door and raged, called my then fiance and then sent an email to peace out) I couldn't move on without sharing my experience with HR.

5. Teri Anne ConradAugust 23,2024 at 2:07PM UTC

   Most companies will provide an opportunity for an exit interview with HR. If they don't then request it.

6. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 2:18PM UTC

   Honestly, do you think a letter will change the culture? It you feel you are saving future employees from toxicity then by all means send it.

7. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 2:25PM UTC

   Don't. Or write the letter for yourself and burn it. You have decided to move on. In a toxic workplace, a letter like this is just more fuel and evidence they can use against other people. Move on with your own life and for those you care about and wish to keep in touch with, support them by helping them move on too.

8. Tami L CannizzaroAugust 23,2024 at 2:30PM UTC

   In my experience, venting to HR, which is really what this is, does not produce the desired effect. Instead of providing what you believe is valuable information, you come across like a disgruntled employee. Leave on a high note; your colleagues will take care of themselves.

9. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 2:33PM UTC

   tell them. tell them why you are leaving- get it off your chest! they need to know. NAME NAMES! at the end of the day I dont even think it will change the culture if its been going on for this long. but Do... do it for your peace of mind if thats what you need. Dont care about these companies cause they dont care about you.

10. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 2:35PM UTC

    Do not burn your bridge. There are a lot of feelings here. However, I do hope you have landed another job before you resign. If not, be sure to explain the departure with grace and not bad mouth the company. Either way, leave on a high note as another poster mentioned. You are not going to save anyone. One unhappy person does not make a nontoxic future environment. Think of it like this, if you had a crappy car that let's say the engine died, or it is so cranky it gives you problems. You get another and better car and move on. You never want to see the car again nor do you care if anyone else buys the car. It doesn't help you, it doesn't save anyone. It's never a good idea to share our feelings of unhappiness. Thank them for the opportunity, make your resignation letter short. Provide them your last day, sign it and take comfort in knowing you will be long gone way before they fix their cultural toxicity problem.

11. Dr. Deonna Moore TaylorAugust 24,2024 at 12:35PM UTC

    I agree with this. That toxic boss may leave one day and the door may open again for you to have the opportunity to return to a better position. You don’t want to risk your relationship because of someone else.

12. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 2:36PM UTC

    Friend,

    My advice: just walk away.

    They've already gotten more of your time & energy than they deserve. If your letter could change culture, it would've happened already. In the longer term, you may need a job reference from this employer and my experience tells me it's best not to go on the written record airing your complaints. They couldn't retain you. What more can be said? For better or for worse, these letters are almost always received as a disgruntled employee airing their grievances, not constructive feedback for the company's highest ideals. If they wanted to fix it, they'd stop protecting toxic individuals within a toxic culture. But, I do think you should write the letter, say everything that's on your mind, and do a "ritual" like cutting it up into 1000 pieces or burning it to release yourself from this bad experience and move on. Good luck!

13. Lisa WatersAugust 23,2024 at 3:21PM UTC

    1000% this...

    Most of the time, supervisors do the dirty work for even higher ups.

    I agree - write it, read it out loud, then burn it.

14. Kathleen SullivanAugust 23,2024 at 2:45PM UTC

    Do they have an off boarding process that is anonymous or confidential? It is very difficult for me to have hard conversations like this with people who are hostile at work, and if you are able to build that skill it may be helpful for you in the long run. You may want to start with acknowledging that things could be so much better or optimal and when this happens at work it leads to negative outcomes for the company...you do what is right for you, bottom line.

15. EHAugust 23,2024 at 3:20PM UTC

    Only do that if you plan to sue later. HR will likely not do anything and because you are leaving they will discount everything you say. I’ve worked in toxic cultures where everyone negative people said (even when it was 100% true) was discounted as that person just being angry. One org even did exit interviews which they always discounted and ignored.

16. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 3:30PM UTC

    I'm sorry you're experiencing this. My recommendation is to keep your resignation short and sweet, professional, with no additional letter/ no exit interview / etc.

    If you need/want/plan to resign today, work your plan. You may also want to seek advice from an employment lawyer to see if you have a claim.

    FYI- https://www.indeed.com/hire/c/info/hostile-work-environment

    This link is something to consider esp. if you want to file a claim or sue: https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/hr-complaint

    This link is if you were still employed there - which seems moot: https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/hostile-work-environment

    Good luck!

17. Kendra PuryearAugust 23,2024 at 3:57PM UTC

    My experience has been, if they didn’t care about your opinion while you were a member of their team/community, they certainly won’t care as you’re on your way out. I wouldn’t put yourself in the position to have your words repeated or twisted. Move on. Reflect on what drew you to a workplace like this. What you learned. And how you will move forward differently in we workplaces. You only have authority over yourself.

18. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 5:31PM UTC

    I'm not sure why HR would care other than making sure they brand you not rehireable if any prospective employer were to check. I would re-think your position and whatever leverage you think you have. It's not worth the future risk.

19. John HerndonAugust 23,2024 at 8:27PM UTC

    Don’t send anything to HR. First, HR does not a NS never has represented the employee. HR represents the Company. Second, the HR function will not act on it if you leave, getting the advice of an attorney is a separate matter and THAT is the only reason HR would listen. Lastly, the Company does not care about you or any of the employees unless they feel threatened.

20. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 9:34PM UTC

    Write a letter to let off steam but don't send it. It won't do any good or change anything if you send it

21. AnonymousAugust 24,2024 at 12:22PM UTC

    If you seek true justice pass these messages through a lawyer which you retain. The only way companies correct toxic cultures is through the penalties they acquire. If you communicate to HR during your exit they will simply sweep it under the rug.

22. Dr. Deonna Moore TaylorAugust 24,2024 at 12:37PM UTC

    I would resign and leave. Write a short and sweet letter thanking them for the opportunity and that my last day is… . Don’t ruin any future opportunities that may come up for you because of this incident. Make sure you have it well documented in case you need to take action or are called about it. Leave with grace and dignity. Your boss will be dealt with. Trust.

23. AnonymousAugust 24,2024 at 12:54PM UTC

    Move on. Forget it. They won't even care what you think about her, or them, or the toxicity. They clearly do not see it, and won't care what you think since you are leaving.

24. AnonymousAugust 24,2024 at 2:34PM UTC

    Leave in grace and put a truthful review on Glassdoor and any other sites where potential employees might find your review (leaving out any details which might identify you).

25. AnonymousAugust 24,2024 at 6:55PM UTC

    If you plan to resign do not list your issues. Just get out of that place. If were staying you could look into a grievance. I have been in a similar situation. I was being harrassed in one of my position. I made this known to three superiors none of whom did a thing. Finally, I was offered a transfer to a different location. The new location started off great but, ended with the same issue. Once I found out that I could turn my departure into my retirement I turned in my resignation. While I wish I could have filed a grievance so that those who were breaking the law could have been held accountable but, my peace of mind was obtainable quicker. I had severe panic attacks and being around the negativity and rude people made my panic attacks worse.

    YOu could imagine how great I felt after I turned in my letter. It felt as low a huge weight had been lifted. Once I left I was free.

    I had been eligible to retire for a few year but, I wanted to hang in there as long as possible to increase my retirement.

    I did write a letter to my immediate surpervisior detailing one situation that was clearly a policy breaker. I heard that an investigation was launched. I do not know how it ended but, my coworker should have been reprimanded or fired. He deserved to be fired.

26. BarbaraAugust 24,2024 at 8:02PM UTC

    If they don’t care about what’s going on while you work there they won’t care what you say when you leave. Why waste your time. Smile and leave with grace. If they want an exit interview say no thanks

27. AnonymousAugust 24,2024 at 10:15PM UTC

    post an annonyous review on Glassdoor instead

28. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 12:11AM UTC

    Honestly they won't care.

29. Marcie BarbatoAugust 25,2024 at 1:06AM UTC

    Do you work in the healthcare industry?

30. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 1:12AM UTC

    Resign and leave with grace.

31. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 9:09AM UTC

    Since this is a toxic environment I would think that anything you shared would be met with an eye roll.

32. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 12:32PM UTC

    Send the letter

33. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 12:53PM UTC

    PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. HR already knows about this person and does not care. Let it go and move on.

34. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 1:59PM UTC

    During an employee “s exit, I would give the employee a sheet with a link to a survey. I encouraged them to give any feedback, positive or negative. How does a company learn if they aren’t aware. Someone said HR knows, but they are assuming that. You could send the letter without specific names. If they care enough to do something, they can figure it out.

35. Sarah BojorquezAugust 25,2024 at 2:01PM UTC

    Move on with your life. Everyone you work with knows about the culture and have chosen to fo nothing. You are getting out so it's no longer your problem.

36. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 3:04PM UTC

    The letter won't fix anything. Your letter should say, "date: dear _name of boss___, I've found another opportunity, thus I am resigning. My last day is x. sincerely, __your name___" or something like that. Short, sweet, letter of resignation. Anything else, should not be put in writing. Nothing will change there.

37. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 3:08PM UTC

    Write the letter. Don’t send it.

38. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 4:46PM UTC

    Resign first. Take a few days to think about what you want to say. Write a separate letter outlining what was unacceptable and toxic, I don't think you need to include names unless a situation is particularly egregious, send it. Don't assume anyone knows anything. Even if they do, they need to know that people aren't afraid to speak up. Eventually, bad behavior has to be addressed or the company will face consequences whether legally or by losing good employees. If no one ever says anything, they don't see it as a problem. Persistently calling out bad behavior is the only way to change things. It may take time but you can start the process and others can finish it.

39. AnonymousAugust 25,2024 at 7:01PM UTC

    Resign and move on. If the HR folks request an exit interview, you can professionally bring up the disconnect and how the job didn’t allow you the autonomy to do your work. Be very careful, as you don't know who knows who and when your paths may cross in yhe future.

40. AnonymousAugust 26,2024 at 1:25AM UTC

    People often believe that what they have to say is compelling and important. It's not. Understand that nothing you've experienced is any big deal to anyone but you. I'm sorry to say it's just no big deal. The place is toxic so be done with it.

41. Chrissy Regan SmytheAugust 26,2024 at 1:28AM UTC

    HR is not there to protect employees. They are there to protect the company. Move on with your life.

42. AnonymousAugust 26,2024 at 1:04PM UTC

    My fave meme on this subject: "If standing up for yourself means burning a bridge, I have matches. We ride at dawn."

    I just did this and sent the letter to my manager and her manager. It felt good. I am healing and moving on with my life.

    Sadly, these days, toxicity, gaslighting, and narcissism in the workplace is waaaay too common. As others have said,

    HR is there to protect the company, not you.

    Flame on if you need to and you take care of YOU.

43. AnonymousAugust 26,2024 at 1:12PM UTC

    I would bet good money that this employee would NEVER get a good reference from this company even if she could stand on her head and spit wooden nickels.

44. AnonymousAugust 26,2024 at 2:09PM UTC

    MOVE ON

45. Wanda ShawAugust 26,2024 at 3:15PM UTC

    If you're feeling that sending a derogatory letter to HR naming your former supervisor would somehow be "unjust", then you probably know that it's something that you shouldn't do. Choose to move out and on with grace.