For the past 8 months I've been working a dream job, but my boss makes me want to walk away.

Anonymous

March 31,2023 at 3:08AM UTC

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For the past 8 months I've been working a dream job, but my boss makes me want to walk away.

I like my boss on a personal level but when it comes to work, she is constantly raising her voice at me and sometimes speaks to me in a condescending manner. I think it is because I am young and I trigger an insecurity in her. I recognize she had to deal with a different generation in a male-dominated field so she does not trust easily, but because of her attitude I feel like I am not growing or learning as I should be. I miss my old boss, even though I prefer the work I am doing now.

And this job qualifies me for loan forgiveness, which is very important to me since I spent quite a bit on graduate school.

I am not sure what to do. I want to walk away from the role - I don't see how to resolve the conflict, and maybe I am just not a good fit. Would love to hear any advice anyone might have.

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AnonymousMarch 31,2023 at 1:30PM UTC
When she starts raising her voice have you drawn attention to it? Personally, I might say "I had my hearing tested recently, there is no reason you need to raise your voice." Have you had a conversation with her about your feelings siting examples of the condescending behavior? Being that she is a bit older she may not realize what she says is considered condescending in today's society. Dream jobs are hard to come by you shouldn't have to give one up without at least trying to have a conversation.
Melissa NobileMarch 31,2023 at 4:53PM UTC
Stand up for yourself! If she raises her voice, cut her off immediately and tell her you will not be yelled at. If you don’t call her on her bad behavior, it will continue.
AnonymousApril 2,2023 at 4:45PM UTC
This reminds me of my first job right out of undergraduate as my supervisor was exactly like this. What made her stop was when I called her out on that behavior right then and there - in front of everyone. It got really quiet at that moment and stayed that way the entire day. The next day she asked to meet in private where she apologized profusely and put respect back into her role as a supervisor and to me as an employee.
AnonymousApril 3,2023 at 1:19PM UTC
If you.remove young/old from the description, gender and reading into what you believe is insecurity, you are left with "a manager who raises their voice and speaks to you in a condescending manner." As these are distressing you, and rightly so, discuss the behaviors privately, in a one-on-one, NOT getting into what you feel are the reasons behind them. Say that you value their experience and want to grow but when they raise their voice and say certain things (give examples), it upsetting to me and I am unable to learn and understand. Hopefully this will lead to a productive conversation.
AnonymousApril 3,2023 at 2:53PM UTC
You could try to ask her not to shout at you. Sometimes a simple “please don’t shout at me” works wonders. She may feel threatened by you, are you after her job? Can you stick it out with her until you could transfer positions at your current job, so the loan forgiveness stays in tact? If she is being condescending, is it because you are missing things either because you don’t know, or need more training at this workplace? Have you pinpointed where you could use extra training and asked for it? Trust me, I understand the mean girl female boss. I started working in the 70s, and after the first woman boss I had, I swore I would NEVER work for a woman again.. Now, I work for a woman my son’s age and she is a dream. She is smart and driven. At my age I don’t want her job and honestly have told her retirement is in my future. She asked if I would consider part-time instead. Hmmm, maybe. Retire, wait 30 days then go back part time.
AnonymousApril 3,2023 at 4:12PM UTC
Everything you are stating is a feeling, your opinion, and not a fact. Directness is needed with professionalism and tact to ensure the desired engagement. Not all managers are the same, and at the end of the day, you are her subordinate. Take the time to really learn and observe her so that you can engage her in a way that is respectful and shows that you are one to be respected.
AnonymousApril 8,2023 at 4:38PM UTC
I think you need to write out how you are feeling to yourself and decompress a bit about that. Then I would in the next 1-1 let her know about the specific situations where she did these things and how it made you feel. Let her know that your motivators are XYZ and that if you do need to be corrected the best way to do it is ABC. Not knowing how long you are working under her if its still a new relationship you can start by saying let me tell you how I function best. If its a longer term one and the way it is is already established tell her it's not working and define the why. Let her know that your goal is excellence and to make her look good as a leader but to do it by demeaning you is not going to work. Don't give up, sometimes a tough manager has an underlying reason for the why that is on their personal side. You might find out something you were not aware of. If this conversation does not repair things or improve them, definitely think about your next best step irrespective for you and your future.