I’m stuck in a toxic work environment

13 Comments

1. AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 12:16PM UTC

   This is a tough situation. Personally, if someone were deliberately taking credit for my work, I would use email vs. conversations to relay information. This gives you a paper trail (CYA file) on what's been discussed. Even if you have a verbal conversation, I would email a summary of what was discussed and agreed upon. However, bottom line is - it may not make any difference in this situation since your boss is the wife of an owner and they probably won't care if your feelings are hurt. Your best course of action would be to talk to someone internally about the issue to see if it can be resolved so you don't have to leave. The other option is do your work as best as you can, get your resume ready and start networking to find a new role. Control what you can and let the rest go. It will drive you nuts if you're a person who values fairness.

2. AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 1:52PM UTC

   thanks a lot for your reply, it is driving me crazy to the point that I no longer want to go to work, i love my job & my team but I cannot take it anymore. I’m putting all my efforts now to find another job??

   thanks again for your reply

3. Jacqueline CutlerMay 10,2022 at 12:49PM UTC

   First, I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

   I would do as much in writing as possible and I would devote my off-hours to looking for a new job.

   She clearly feels this is her company, and depending on how it was set up, maybe she does own it as well. Whether she owns it or is married to the owner, she is going to do what she wants and it sounds as if the only safe and sane way is out. Maybe you could start logging more and do it all via email.

   At the beginning of the week, state what you'll be working on, give a written report at end of business Wednesday and a complete list on Friday and keep it all in writing. But I would be looking hard for another job.

4. AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 1:57PM UTC

   Thanks Jacqueline for your reply, it is really tough, i’ve even tried to reach out to one of the owners just to start a conversation & he totally sold me out, called her & told her to be the only point of contact as he has no time, so it is a dead end for me. The only way is out, i’m doing my best to find another’s job soon

   thanks again for your reply

5. AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 2:08PM UTC

   You’ll need to accept that she is family and an Owner of the business (dont get hung up on her being the wife of the owner....she's an OWNER in every way). Don't forget this.

   She may do, say or act anyway she pleases.

   So in the meantime, as you look for a new job, stay out of her way, be as supportive as possible and keep your head down. Stay polite, professional and do your job extremely well

   You want to slide out of this job as soon as possible on good terms with a great reputation. Do not sabotage your situation by being anything but a stellar employee.

6. Kim RaperMay 10,2022 at 2:14PM UTC

   Spot on advice.

7. AnonymousMay 10,2022 at 2:45PM UTC

   Get out. I had a toxic boss who bullied me. She ended up marrying someone high up the chain at the organization. I got out before her wedding. These people are untouchable.

8. Rikki DrotarMay 10,2022 at 3:42PM UTC

   Show up how you want to show up. You can't change her, and thinking that she's created this toxic environment for you taking away your power that you have. Give yourself you power back and ask yourself how you want to behave? How to you want to show up? How are her actions not a problem for you? I totally get it that it's annoying and but focusing on why this is a problem and shouldn't happen this way isn't helping you. Without changing her, you can still be the type of employee you want to be and feel good about what you have accomplished and how you show up at work. You really don't need her validation. You have your own back. And make the best decision for you, whether that's finding a new job or not. Totally in your control.

9. Barb HansenMay 10,2022 at 4:02PM UTC

   Managers and peers taking a subordinate's or co-worker's idea and presenting it as their own happen a lot. You'll have to find the line for yourself on how much of this you are willing to accept, and it looks like you have found your line with this manager.

   Side note: I'm not saying this is happening in your case, but I mention it anyway. Ideas are like viruses. They mutate a little bit with every brain they enter. There is a line between stealing ideas and improving on an idea. We want our managers and co-workers to us credit for the source idea. Some people don't understand how ideas mutate - they genuinely think that the "idea they had" is theirs alone. They don't recognize that their idea won't have appeared in their brain without that source idea, so ...

   What can you do about it?

   In the past, here are some tactics that I used:

   For peers taking ideas:

   -I stopped sharing the information they liked to purloin when I was talking to them

   -I told them that their idea was mine or based on my idea.

   -I changed the dynamic of the information flow. If they want you to give them information, they will share it; refuse. Tell them, that to prevent misinformation from getting distributed, you'll present the information or write the document.

   For managers:

   There is less you can do, depending on the manager's attitude. Some managers think that it's normal to take your ideas - you are an employee, they are the manager, and your ideas are theirs to take.

   Here are a few things that I have done in the past:

   -If I had to share work-product, I would prepare a pdf report with my name on it

   -Early in my career, this was what forced me to start speaking up in cross-team meetings. "If you hear my idea from me, you're less likely to believe that my manager came up with the idea all of their own. "

   -I offered to do a "lunch and learn" on the best practices on brainstorming and how to give proper credit. You don't have to do the lunch and learn; talk to your manager about issues you have seen/heard about on the team, and you think the team could benefit from a lesson on brainstorming, idea sharing, and crediting others.

   -I stopped being clever. I did the work I was asked to do, and I stopped bringing new ideas to the table. By the time I was at this point, I was already looking for another job.

   If nothing works, change your mindset about your job, "it's just an ATM that pays you every two weeks until you're able to get another job."

10. KathyMay 10,2022 at 4:15PM UTC

    Are there aspects of the work you enjoy?
    If so, concentrate on fine tuning those skills which will be very helpful in your next role. When annoying people behave as expected, I employ my "internal performance review" and rate this person as having exceeded expectations once again! It's a slightly humorous reframe that helps me put my focus back onto what I need to be doing!

11. AnonymousMay 11,2022 at 1:04PM UTC

    You must work at my old company ?. In my situation, we had the wife of the boss and then his daughter joined shortly after.

    Focus on the bings you can change! Your boss and her position in the company will never change. I would follow the advice given by many on this thread, keep your head down and do your job well until it’s time to leave. The things that your boss is doing can happen at any company but the feedback could be helpful in your exit interview.

12. AnonymousMay 12,2022 at 1:39AM UTC

    Not a serious reply, but I would be so tempted to embed wrong information, typos, etc. and see what happens.

13. AnonymousMay 12,2022 at 10:42PM UTC

    Try to stay 10 steps ahead of her nonsense. If you already know her patterns and that she steals your work, keep freely giving her answers that may trip her up later on. Eventually she will either stop using your work or the higher ups will start to see her as useless and transfer her somewhere else or at least out of your hair. Do it covertly, tread quietly and carefully grasshopper :)