How to handle a knowledgeable employee who voices loudly his disagreement with you without me appearing defensive?

22 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 4:47AM UTC

   "May we please take this offline " "we need to discuss that at another time, I really want to get through this without distraction.

   "Can I ask you to hold your side bars until the end of our training etc......'

2. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 10:43PM UTC

   So close, but she shouldn't use "requesting" language

   It should be clear and non-negotiable. "We will circle back to that. Right now we are doing XYZ." "The strategy has already been decided. This meeting is to clarify tasks for each person." Direct without leeway for arguing. Maybe add, "We can discuss that privately in our next one-on-one."

3. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 12:50PM UTC

   I used to have a coworker like this. He was disrespectful toward our female manager, but buttered up our next female manager. When layoffs came, he survived the cut and the sycophantic fan club he had surrounded himself with - who followed his bad advice to disregard our manager's orders - this fan club also got the axe. Then he didn't like having to manage more staff (my former staff!), went part-time, and eventually left.

   In short, this guy is a narcissist. He needs to appear superior when he has an audience, but one-on-one he does what he needs to do for survival.

   You just have to tell him that you're in charge, and what he's doing is insubordination, which is a fireable offense. If he has to be the center of attention, then he needs to find another place to be.

4. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 1:44PM UTC

   Document everything. In your 1:1 let him know that another offense he will be put on a PIP. Talk with your boss or HR to get guidance. Disruptive workers need to be put in their place and sometimes PIPs help but other times you have to be the person to let them go. Hope it gets better soon.

5. AnonymousAugust 19,2024 at 3:17AM UTC

   I had a similar situation with a member on my team, i was managing a technical team when I had no technical experience. (At the time I had over10 years of leadership experience though.) I struggled to connect with him and his behavior made things harder with my team overall. He continued to bring negativity and drive a wedge between us. I would make sure you’re giving extra support to the rest of your team and be firm with him during team meetings when he spirals off. (Wouldn’t brush him off or be mean but would just ask him to table that concern for your next one on one. I would even schedule his one on one right after the team meeting to discuss it and keep meeting notes for documentation purposes) I would also be careful how close he is with other members of the team too, if he’s questioning you openly during meetings he’s probably saying worse when you’re not around and you don’t want his negativity to spread. Depending on your roles, you could give him some special assignments or projects to individually complete, it could be a peace offering to show you value his work/contributions and be a bonding experience for you two. (Plus itll keep him away from the rest of the team for a bit) example: we were due for new headsets and I gave that guy 3 different options to test and present to the team.

6. AnonymousAugust 19,2024 at 1:18PM UTC

   If he does this in group meetings he is probably derailing the conversation in general and making the meetings less productive and useful for everyone. Perhaps a look at meeting norms and expectations and the overall way you conduct discussion for the group would be useful. “Open communication” doesn’t have to mean “everyone says what they want whenever they want in whatever way they want.”

7. Queen SmallsAugust 19,2024 at 2:22PM UTC

   I think you should worry less about appearing defensive and get to the bottom of this if you feel undermined. Let him know how this is affecting you and the team and get him to elaborate. Inspire him know to tweak his style.

8. Leesa PetersAugust 19,2024 at 3:31PM UTC

   I would add a mediator to your 1on1 discussions. Make it known that this is a communication conversation. Have your agenda and questions. Ask the why's? Some people only respect authority when its taken directly -

   Also, don't be afraid to play the insubordination card if you feel its needed, and an adequate number of warnings have already been assumed. I am not saying go straight to HR - however, you need to do what is necessary to maintain a cordial and humane working environment for your team.

   Meetings are for information, updates, future projects, assignment of duties and follow up to current things in the pipeline. Its important to stay focused. It also helps if you have an admin or assigned person who can keep time on how long a person can talk, so you can table longer discussions for later.

9. AnonymousAugust 19,2024 at 5:42PM UTC

   Oh yes this is definitely gaslighting at its worst. I would sit him down in your next 1-1 and remind him that professional respect is what you give him and that you expect the same in return. If he speaks ill of you or anything that you are presenting in the next group meeting you will need to shut him down. Find a statement that you are comfortable with something like: "Let's table that for a separate conversation, please put 15 minutes on my calendar following this meeting to follow up".

   Clearly he is for whatever reasons trying to stir the pot. If you cannot get to the bottom of it and cannot solve this with your own leadership style bring HR into the conversation and begin documentation for a possible PIP around communication.

10. Liz MilneAugust 20,2024 at 12:11AM UTC

    I recommend sarcasm. If you whittle him down to size in front of the people he's trying to humiliate you in front of/ show off to, maybe he'll pipe down a bit?

    (Obviously, only if appropriate! and after having raised his behaviour in a crowd to him in private, warning him to stop...)

11. AnonymousAugust 20,2024 at 12:41PM UTC

    Be honest with him during ur 1on1 and encourage him to approach you AFTER the meeting with any concerns he has. Not everything needs to be voiced in front of everyone. Share the same reasons u shared here - it's counterproductive, derailing (distracting) and takes away more time than scheduled.

    Likewise u could get ahead of the situation and discuss your ideas with them BEFORE ur team meetings as a collaborative effort. If his ideas r valid then let HIM introduce them. #teamwork

12. AnonymousAugust 20,2024 at 12:45PM UTC

    Petty alternative: allow John Q to lead an approach that u KNOW will fail and make ur line mgmt aware that you've discussed your approach with him but he believes he has a better way and you are happy to encourage leadership amongst ur team. The last part is key so that he can't say he didn't know ur methodology beforehand. Do this publicly and cc him on the communication. Humble pie should make him pipe down for a while at least. . .

13. AnonymousAugust 21,2024 at 1:17PM UTC

    Are you actually following up/through on what is discussed in your 1:1? Are you consistent with the conversations between the 1:1 and team meetings? If the employee sees and hears inconsistency then I can understand the frustration. Is there any established guidance to say “this is what it is and I’m just following the rules?” Or is this all opinion based?

    I find it incredibly hard to believe that an employee would make it harder for themselves to do their job by supposedly creating discord, especially when we all know HR will never back us up and jobs are incredibly hard to get.

14. GirlBossanova934974August 22,2024 at 12:33PM UTC

    To be perfectly candid here, maybe the problem is you. You state that you are all for "open communication" but when it comes down to team meetings, that all goes out the window. Then you go polling the "grape vine" aka office gossip to tell you that your employee disrespects you? OK! At the end of the day, you have to stand behind your words as any sort of leader. If you want "open communication", then so be it. You take the good with the bad and you explain your point of view. Some will buy it and others will not. So goes the world. Better that than operate like some many feckless companies do these days. No one is offended and nothing gets down.

15. April LineAugust 26,2024 at 2:21PM UTC

    It seems like maybe you misunderstood her explanation? It seems like she does welcome open conversation/contribution and it also seems like she initially welcomed this team member's. I dont think she polled the grapevine--concerned staff bring this stuff to leaders they trust.

    I am all for self-examination, and accountability. It sounds like this person is, too!

    She has had conversations with this person about this behavior, and he is chill in 1:1s, so i think she's right to be concerned, and i second the advice to keep her guard up and document.

16. Erin VegaAugust 22,2024 at 3:43PM UTC

    Only four words you need to use in meetings with these type of employees.

    Let’s take it offline.

    This lets the employees know that they are disrupting or causing a longer meeting than needed. However, it also tells them that they will be able to speak with you after meeting. Make sure you do indeed take it offline and not disregard your team.

17. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 1:51PM UTC

    Never ever say, “lets take it offline”. This comes across as very negative and confrontational. Instead, allow these types of people continue so others understand when they are later (hopefully in short order) let go.

    if an interaction gets to the point where you feel like you need to say, let’s take it off-line, then it’s no longer constructive and it’s not professional and if this person doesn’t change their behavior, then they do need to go. Period.

18. Erin VegaAugust 23,2024 at 8:27PM UTC

    Taking it offline is in no way negative and confrontational at all.

    "Take it offline", which is often used in professional settings, aims to maintain the current meeting's focus and time management by recognizing the importance of certain discussions while understanding that they require dedicated attention.

    When employees challenge or have an issue with every little item on the meeting agenda, it kind of defeats the purpose of the meeting, wastes everyone’s time, energy, and takes them away from the reason why they are there in the first place, which is to work.

    I worked for a federal contractor who had daily debriefings and when first implemented these debriefings would take almost an hour with all the interruptions from personnel, just wanting to argue so they could get paid for that hour and not have to do anything but stall the debrief. This lasted a week until we started taking it offline. The start of the second week our daily debriefs were 8 to 10 minutes long. Everyone was heard and those who had questions, issues, or solutions was heard and if was needed to be discussed further the PM made note of the offline items and addressed them one on one after the debrief. Negative??? Confrontational? Nope.

19. AnonymousAugust 23,2024 at 1:34PM UTC

    I worked with someone like this; he was my direct report. He was very charming at first to me and the team. Then slowly he started talking trash about people to other people to cause little rifts. Also, he wanted my job. So this behavior goes on for awhile, in the meantime I’m just doing my job, working hard and coached him several times. The bottom line is that he was trying to create this false image of me (I never changed and everyone liked me before he came). Then he goes to my CEO and tells him that everyone is coming to his office complaining about me and they all hate me (not true at all). Again, he wanted my job. I was the Director of HR and he was my generalist and basically he thought he deserved and could do my job.

    So a week and a half before Christmas, I’m at home in the evening, still working mind you, on finishing up open enrollment close out, end of year bonuses, etc., when I get a call from one of our operations managers in another state along with one of the HR managers, who also reported to me, that the CEO is letting me go…laying me off with a 6 week severance. The CEO then promoted this generalist who has no completed education (he dropped out), no certifications, and has only been working in HR for a very short period of time, to the Director of HR. The funny part is that everyone from the company started reaching out to me through LinkedIn wondering what happened because he doesn’t know anything, he can’t help them with anything and they’re still trying to ask me questions about their benefits, leave and all kinds of things. It was quite crazy.
    The funny part though is that three days after the CEO laid me off and put this other person in charge, this man who took my position hosted our company Christmas party….the next day I’m getting all kinds of messages through LinkedIn from managers, telling me that this person was so drunk at the company party that he was falling down, slurring his speech and generally so embarrassing that the entire staff was angry…oh and he showed up to host in this condition.

    Long story short is if this person is working against you and not working with you something is up. And yes, they are gaslighting you. If it all possible, start documenting this stuff and get them out of there as soon as possible. I have so much empathy that I thought I could actually help the generalist gain more skills and experience and when the nonsense started happening I dismissed it as childish and didn’t acknowledge his 2 faced behavior….because I’m an adult and a professional. What I didn’t realize fully was that my CEO was so gullible and unprofessional and bought into this guys weird little game and so I wish I would have done exactly what I’m telling you that I would do in your shoes. I would still have my job if I did.. and it’s been devastating for my family that I was laid off in this job market because I haven’t found anything yet and that was in December.

20. AnonymousAugust 26,2024 at 11:09AM UTC

    I am so sorry this happened to you. My heart goes out to you.

21. AnonymousAugust 26,2024 at 6:03PM UTC

    Thank you❤️

22. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluAugust 25,2024 at 4:46PM UTC

    When my clients share similar situations with me, I typically advise them to establish ground rules or agreements for engagement before the meetings start. A common rule is not interrupting a speaker. Another is reserving questions for the latter-part of the meeting.

    If a ground rule is broken, caution the offender, and continue with the agenda. If a participant has a habit of monopolizing discussions, thank that person for their contributions, remind that person that there are others who wish to share their own concerns, and time is limited. Then encourage the monopolizer, or any participant, to put their issues, suggestions, complaints in writing, so that you, and/or the rest of the team, could review the report thoughtfully, and make a more informed response to the issues raised.

    I also suggest that you review how minutes or prevailing issues are documented, distributed, and addressed. It could also be that the person dominating the meeting has become a defacto spokesperson for the group, and that office rumblings are what instigate the outbursts at the meetings.