I can't tell if I'm overreacting or if my coworker is actually being rude.

24 Comments

1. Barb HansenFebruary 1,2022 at 4:58PM UTC

   If you feel something, trust that feeling.

   You don't have to react to that feeling, nor do you have to invest any time into "growing that feeling"

   You asked your boss about the issue and they said it was 'no big deal', so focus on that.

   Be professional with those co-workers. Continue to do good work with those co-workers. Put that feeling behind you, but don't forget about it. As the old saying goes "better the devil you know."

2. Gretchen SkalkaFebruary 1,2022 at 5:32PM UTC

   A few unnecessary comments and an unprofessional joke don't add up to a one-time or offhand incident.

   Something's up.

   Perhaps your coworker is challenged by you - but for what reason will likely only be known to you if you as him/her directly.

   Not in a confrontational way, but coworker to coworker in an in-person (if you're in the office) or phone call (if you're remote) way. No email or text - this is personal between you and should be handled on the same level.

   Maybe something benign like,

   'Hey [NAME], you know, I've been thinking about that joke and I have to tell you that it really made me uncomfortable. Do we have a problem I'm not aware of?'

   Just honestly put it out there and let him/her explain it to you. If you're not happy with the response (they don't answer, get defensive or don't respond at all), you can try one more time before taking it to the next level - but I'd give him/her the opportunity to explain the behavior first.

   This way you are being proactive, a team player and professional about it.

3. Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterFebruary 1,2022 at 6:33PM UTC

   Great response! I completely agree.

4. AnonymousFebruary 1,2022 at 6:41PM UTC

   What is your end goal here? Do you want them written up, talked to? Called into HR for coaching & counseling? Be very careful with these types of complaints. You should be aware that if your complaints are related to toxicity or harassment, there will be an investigation. You will be brought into the process, will file a formal complaint or at the very least be brought into a meeting with your colleague to help mediate your complaint.

   Complaints such as this are not addressed privately nor are they handled without your involvement.

   If you don't want to raise your complaint to a formal level, I would suggest you chalk it up to the fact that this person doesn't like you very much and vent to your girlfriends. Leave it away from work.

5. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachFebruary 2,2022 at 1:28PM UTC

   I'm going to respectfully disagree here. Bringing to her boss should not make it a formal complaint that leads to an investigation- at least in many, many organizations. All it may take is a word from the boss to the colleague to knock it off and play nice. Case closed, perhaps some resentment between colleagues but an attempt to get along. No other departments or management need be involved at this early stage.

   I do believe she should address it directly with the coworker first, then make the boss aware if that doesn't fix the problem. Why not just suck it up? Because if it continues, it will impact her performance- those collaborative projects may suffer, so the boss needs to know if the behavior doesn't stop after a gentle direct conversation.

   Sucking it up and saving it to complain about with her girlfriends doesn't stop the problem. That has to happen within the organization.

   If in the end, the colleague and/or the boss don't care and it continues, then her best course of action is to leave the organization.

6. AnonymousFebruary 2,2022 at 1:37PM UTC

   I completely agree. As a supervisor I have gotten many complaints over the years from direct reports that really amounted to, "so-and-so hurt my feelings" and while I am always understanding, one of my first questions is usually, "have you talked to so-and-so about it?"

   With rare exception, the two employees can manage to work it out with basic communication.

7. AnonymousFebruary 1,2022 at 7:34PM UTC

   I would speak with this person directly and explain how it makes you feel

   Expecting your boss to navigate your feelings without you ever confronting this person would be immature and unprofessional.

8. Emily KeiperFebruary 2,2022 at 3:16AM UTC

   You’re never “wrong” about how you’re feeling. Call them out the next time it happens. “Hey you may be joking but that comment effected me.” Case closed. Hopefully it jolts them into acting with some professionalism moving forward. If it doesn’t, document everything and bring your boss or HR into the mix.

9. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistFebruary 2,2022 at 5:30AM UTC

   If that spidey sense is tingling, pay attention.

10. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachFebruary 2,2022 at 1:23PM UTC

    I fall on the side of first, talk to the colleague. Something like "Hey, I think you meant that as a joke, but it stung a bit. And it's not the first time. Can we talk about this?" and see where it goes. If the colleague continues to be toxic towards you, then share with your boss. (And if it is a problem with public comments, your boss is likely aware.) No, you are not over-reacting and your feelings are valid.

11. AnonymousFebruary 2,2022 at 2:00PM UTC

    Why bring something like this to your boss to solve? You need to handle this yourself with this person. Your boss is not a referee. That is nit her role. If it continues then take it to your boss and escalate the matter to HR. You're a professional

12. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachFebruary 2,2022 at 2:50PM UTC

    I agree- first talk to the colleague. But if the colleague isn't receptive, then the boss needs to know. It impacts performance if two colleagues don't get along and have to work together.

13. Kimberly JohnsonFebruary 2,2022 at 3:41PM UTC

    I think there is a difference between getting your feelings hurt because someone doesn't like you and a complaint where you need action by your boss or HR. I agree that a formal complaint is one that raises issues of safety both physical and mental. Taking an issue to your boss is raising concern for your well-being and therefore demands action. A supervisor cannot just act on one person's version of what is happening. They must be responsible and speak to everyone concerned so that they can address the situation properly and not just react to the first person to come to them.

    If this issue does not rise to this level, I would say don't put your boss in that position. Try any be proactive and solve this between the two of you. If you can't solve this and the behavior is damaging then go to your boss and/or Human Resources to enlist their help.

14. Kristie WhiteFebruary 2,2022 at 9:12PM UTC

    Honestly? Your boss doesn't want to hear it. He/She wants you to be a grown up and deal with the employee yourself or grow a thicker skin. Cuz what's going to happen it you tell the boss? The boss will go speak with the other worker, who will likely deny it, and then get worse behind your back. I would bite back when bitten.

15. AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 1:19PM UTC

    Yes, talk to your coworker directly. Getting the boss involved will likely backfire. They really don’t want to have to play umpire.

16. CassandraFebruary 3,2022 at 1:29PM UTC

    It's also a really good idea to consider your company's values. I think at every workplace RESPECT should be one of them.

17. Tricia BurroughsFebruary 3,2022 at 2:05PM UTC

    I would recommend you work on your self confidence at work. This won't be the only person who thinks their are making a joke with their cutting remarks. If you are confident with the work you do and your place in the company you will be able to laugh these comments off and not have them affect. Trust me, when I wasn't sure if my manager felt I was doing well I was very defensive and had these feelings all the time. Now I just laugh these things off. These types of comments are more about the people who say them and not you.

18. Tracie WalkerFebruary 3,2022 at 3:11PM UTC

    I agree and will amplify the comments of other posters.

    This says more about the coworker than you. Don’t take it personal. This is not easy at first, but you have to develop a mental toughness around people like this. They are typically not happy people and project that onto others. I have been in an entire department and had coworkers and even managers act like this. Sometimes I would make a sarcastic remark back or just look indifferent and walk away. They would try to be nice or act like nothing happened. One coworker I confronted because we had to work together and I was not going to put up with the snide/backhanded remarks all day. She came back with I was too sensitive and she is not a rude person, but her behavior did change. One of the lessons I have learned being in the workplace is you will have to ignore petty stuff like this.

19. Joanna PoeFebruary 3,2022 at 4:11PM UTC

    This can be really hard to gauge, but before you judge, watch their interactions with others. Are they like this with everyone, or are they singling you out?

    Without knowing more detail, it could be that they are unpleasant in general, and/or that you are feeling insecure and need to address your own feelings more than their comments.

    It depends on your relationship with your boss, but maybe rather than "tell your boss about it" in a sense that you're reporting it or "tattling," maybe approach it like a conversation. Say, in your next one-on-one, without naming names, "Hey, can you give me a sanity check? There have been some comments about x and y that made me feel weird/unsure. I can't tell if they were kidding or not and wanted to bounce it off you."

    There's not a single one of us who hasn't made a mistake at work, and some banter is just normal, but you shouldn't let this become a workplace bully situation. Having early conversations about it with someone who knows you and your work can be helpful to put it in perspective.

20. Jennifer WuolletFebruary 3,2022 at 6:50PM UTC

    I would have a calm easy conversation with your boss, let them know you value your job and that you want to do a good job. Then let them know about this person's comments, have specific comments in mind and tell them how long this has been going on. Then let them know that these comments make it difficult to focus on doing a good job as you are constantly stressed by what other comments could be said.

21. CassandraFebruary 4,2022 at 7:36PM UTC

    I would add to this when you go to your boss, have a desired outcome in mind. Do you want them to simply reassure you? Do you want them to help you come up with a strategy to deal with this person in particular? Do you want them to say something to this person? Without a desired outcome in mind you can't move forward.

22. Liz MilneFebruary 3,2022 at 8:24PM UTC

    Call them out a couple of times - ask them to clarify. Then, if they are being rude, calmly and politely let them know that their attitude is unacceptable. If they continue, then escalate to the boss...

23. AnonymousFebruary 3,2022 at 10:57PM UTC

    Your feelings are important, and rudeness is subjective. They might not see it as being "rude" but I think it's a good idea to say something about it. It depends on the amount of time that have passed since this little incident. But you're still there, so can't be too much of an issue. You should "nip" this other stuff.

24. Audrey KirschFebruary 4,2022 at 12:29AM UTC

    Some people confuse sarcasm with joking around and being friendly. They probably don't have a clue that you don't appreciate this type of behavior. You need to say something to them next time you are bugged by one of their comments. Tell them you don't find them amusing and if they really do think there is something wrong with way you work, you'd be happy to sit down and discuss it with them. Be confident in you job performance. No one can effectively put you down unless you let them.