Returning After Maternity Leave

61 Comments

1. AnonymousOctober 3,2022 at 3:46PM UTC

   I had to sit my husband down and explain why things had to change one way or the other and if he wasn’t willing to change the partnership wasn’t going to work.

   I’m my case when my husband realized how serious I was he immediately stepped up to the plate. No it wasn’t Perfect but it wasn’t until I literally explained to him how utterly exhausted and on the brink of a mental break down I was that he realized I needed help. We are masters of disguising how much work we do.

2. AnonymousOctober 3,2022 at 5:22PM UTC

   I agree, let them know.

   I did the same. I just said I was unhappy and that seemed to surprise him, but I was pleasantly surprised about how serious he was about making some changes. It took two conversations to make it thoroughly sink in for him. But it has been several months and all is going well. Not perfect, but I'm happy again.

3. AnonymousOctober 3,2022 at 4:22PM UTC

   Have you voiced your concerns to your husband? That may be best here - though I know my husband gets very defensive as soon as I have these types of discussions with him. I have had to adjust my approach which has helped.

4. Cyndi RosenblattOctober 3,2022 at 4:31PM UTC

   Most of the guidance out there isn't providing much actionable advice. I found this one that might actually be helpful to you: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-get-your-partner-to-do-their-fair-share-of-household-chores.

5. AnonymousOctober 3,2022 at 5:29PM UTC

   You need more help at home.

   Your options:

   Paid help (part-time or full time)

   Your husband.

   Other family member/s.

   See your OB-about medication for the post-partum depression.

6. AnonymousOctober 3,2022 at 7:19PM UTC

   Its not postpartum its the fact that here in the US for me to keep my job I go back to work at 12 weeks (if your lucky) now before my baby is even 4 months old I have to leave my child for a week and go on a business trip. Yes my boss would go if I asked but she has already been away from her family more than needed covering for me on maternity leave. I am sad that I have to leave my bundle of cuteness. This baby is my last and I enjoy my night feeds and morning snuggles. Probably way too much.

7. LovelyBirdOctober 4,2022 at 3:03PM UTC

   12 weeks is a very short time I agree. I can relate. It is very hard to separate from your baby and go back to work so soon and even more so now that you have to travel and be gone a week. It does make you sad and you will miss your little ones. As difficult as it is, if this trip is unavoidable please try to keep in perspective that one week of you being gone is not forever. It will be hard to miss a week of night feeds and morning cuddles so allow yourself to feel that sadness while also keeping in mind that it is a very short temporary one week situation and you can quickly resume your nighttime and morning routine with your baby when you get back.

   Maybe your husband can FaceTime you in the evenings so you can be a part of your baby’s dinner bottle? (Not the middle of the night ones because you need sleep!)

   You can also bring with you on your trip a favorite book you like to read to your baby and have your husband FaceTime you so you can read to the baby. I know it doesn’t replace in person snuggles but it may help you feel connected to your baby’s night time routine for the few days you are away.

8. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 9:49PM UTC

   I went back six weeks after our second was born and while my husband was finishing a graduate degree.
   I was getting four hours of sleep; we split drop offs; I did pickups most often since he had class three nights a week. I also had evening public hearings. Something had to give. Two people can’t both have demanding jobs with two kids. To be frank, those are adult, selfish decisions and the kids suffer. And mom, as you’re experiencing. Ultimately, the graduate degree significantly increased his income. When our second was nine months old, I took a career pause and did consulting for several years (for my previous employer that wanted to keep me around), and we adjusted our lifestyle. Everyone was much happier and less stressed.

9. AnonymousOctober 3,2022 at 6:17PM UTC

   I would have an honest conversation with your husband and your employer.

   for your employer, You are doing the job of 3 ppl your employer most likely already knows this! So having the conversation and express your concerns can’t hurt. Don’t complain but come with a game plan on how to address it. If they don’t like it, that’s on them. Document the conversation with an email chain. You know ,thanks for meeting with me…. To summarize we discussed… etc etc make an audit trail.

   for your husband you need to be more direct. If he isn’t getting the kids together then he isn’t “doing all he needs to do” because those are his children too. Be frank, it’s a partnership. Sometimes you need just tell your partner what you need and what you expect. If you need him up early to get the kids to school while you care for baby and get ready, tell him.

   I think it’s important to remember that your new routine isn’t just on you it’s your whole family. So they have to participate too.

   best of luck

10. AnonymousOctober 3,2022 at 6:55PM UTC

    #1. Your husband needs to step up his game and YOU need to let him know that. PERIOD!!!! What I just read is ridiculous. As the primary breadwinner, he should be picking up ALL slack. For crying out loud, you are still nursing. Unacceptable. Stop going to the grocery store and cooking immediately.

11. AnonymousOctober 3,2022 at 7:07PM UTC

    I am the OP. My husband is actually great but struggles with change. Also while I get to commute twice a week he has to be physically in the office all 5 days. That is a huge part of the mess. Him and I have had the discussion and he is trying just change is something he struggles with and he is very routine oriented and becomes stressed and shuts down if not discussed in an appropriate way. As both of us our engineers we have some serious nuances in our social skills. Also while I bring in 28% more a year than my husband he carries the children on his health insurance because my family policy is pure crap. Heck it sucks even getting a breast pump.

12. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 9:18AM UTC

    Sounds like it’s time for your husband to get out of his comfort zone and adjust to this change. At this time, there’s no incentive for him to change: you continue to make excuses for his inflexibility and pick up the slack on the home front. There are no consequences to his lack of engagement as you flounder. Time for him to step up!

13. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 12:57PM UTC

    The thing that stuck out to me is you don’t even have time to shower in the morning. That sucks. When you don’t have time to take care of a basic need, something’s wrong. Not going to say your husband should be doing more—but, you say he’s bad with change. In my opinion that’s just excusing his lack of cooperation. But I can’t tell which issue is bothering you more—the fact that you are doing the work of 3 people at your place of employment, or that your husband seems unwilling to recognize that there is an issue with distributing the workload at home? Either way, you need to figure out what bothers you more, and address this issue with the appropriate parties.

14. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 2:37PM UTC

    Once you say " but" you are making an excuse for his slack. He has to adjust, change is not easy for most people but he is a father now and if he doesn't step up now when he can, he will soon be forced to step up cause of "circumstances".

15. LovelyBirdOctober 4,2022 at 2:40PM UTC

    Hi OP. This sounds very heavy for you. Change is hard for a lot of people. and I understand communicating with your husband in the way that honors your marriage, meets him here he is emotionally and mentally, but also gets changes that you need is a big challenge. Truth is the only one who can change him is him. So right now the only helpful thing is to focus on how to create positive change for you. Let’s try tackling one small piece at a time since you stated you are looking for practical ways to help ease your daily load. You said you cannot shower because you would only get about 4 hrs of sleep. Can we look at what is keeping you up so late at night? What time do you get off work? Then what is your typical evening like once you finish work for the day?

16. LindawerOctober 4,2022 at 3:36PM UTC

    Change is hard for everyone -even the children. He’s a big boy. Time to be a man. If you baby him he will be your third child.

17. AyianOctober 5,2022 at 1:29PM UTC

    Hi, have you ever considered that your husband may be on the autism spectrum? I don't like to jump to conclusions, but the struggle with change, sticking to routines, shutdowns... this is pinging major symptoms.

    Sometimes people can't just "get with the program and accept change" like the sentiment seems to be here. If you or he think it could be a possibility that neurodivergence could be a contributing factor here, getting that checked might open new understanding on both of your parts and lead to new strategies.

    As for work, a frank conversation with the organization about burnout, having a new child, and not wanting to have to find a different employment solution when you ask for another person to support your role or work concurrently can be an effective way to put it in perspective for them. What did they do when you were gone anyway?

18. AnonymousOctober 5,2022 at 6:54PM UTC

    I took my baby to daycare in whatever they slept in the night before. (clean diaper of course). Sounds small but it helped. Briefly revisited this with an obstinate 4 yr.old.

    I let the kids eat cheerios in the car on the way to daycare and my car was not a point of pride. We all survived. Dad almost didn’t when he commented on it.

    A friend with local grandparents asked them to take the kids from 5-8 one night a week.

    My daughter did Saturday Morning “mothers helper” where she played with the kids next door while my neighbor cleaned and showered. She was 11. At 13 she was their sitter.

    I planned meals Sunday Morning and bought everything Sunday afternoon. No weekday trips to the store and no restaurant meals (at restaurants) during the week.

    I understand why it feels like everyone’s piling on your husband.

    Try to put your engineering mind to the possible solutions: Tips and tricks to improve efficiency, spread the load (husband, other family, outside yard help, cooking/cleaning help), or take things off the “must do” list. Those are your 3 areas for change and when you’ve exhausted efforts in one area, the remaining areas are what’s left. If husband says he can’t do any more, accept it but that doesn’t mean he can’t participate in deciding where else change can happen. Good luck with thus.

19. AnonymousOctober 8,2022 at 7:34PM UTC

    Good to see some helpful suggestions.

20. LindawerOctober 4,2022 at 3:35PM UTC

    It sounds like he is living out his idea of what a “wife” does which is nothing but hang out with the kids while the husband is at work. You need to stop doing the run the household tasks and let him see what a stay at home mom/wife really does while her spouse is “at work.” Either he steps up or he goes out and gets a full time job so you can afford to hire help.

21. Crystal HowellOctober 3,2022 at 6:58PM UTC

    Definitely, hubby needs to step up and put his duties on the apps . Have a shared household. Ask your supervisor to spread the work out like they have done when you were gone. You did 3 person's jobs, and got paid for 1. hmmmm........

22. AnonymousOctober 3,2022 at 7:15PM UTC

    Unfortunately we have the highest managers of my company trying cost saving measures to prepare for a downturn.
    I have worked here for over 9 years and we are a very lean organization so despite the fact the business has grown we are still operating as a smaller company. My direct manager knows and submitted a request for another employee but it was denied. While the department did do work while I was out it was my manager who basically picked up the full workload.
    I do get to take quick showers at night and I get the gap between baby going to bed and dream feed for this. However sometimes I just zone out and end up not dream feeding until 10:30-11:30 and I have to get up between 5 or 5:30 depending on commute day or not. We do take out more but I feel so bad after I am trying to take that out.
    Also our oldest is not school age yet.

23. JenniferOctober 3,2022 at 8:45PM UTC

    **There ARE antidepressants that are safe for both breastfeeding and pregnancy.**

    Anyone struggling, including pregnant and breastfeeding mothers, should speak with their doctors about how they are feeling. It takes courage to ask for help, but it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. You and your doctor can then discuss your options and make a plan.

    Although the OP is not dealing with PPD, I don't want anyone to read this comment and think that medication is not an option. As with all medical decisions, you and your doctor can determine the best approach/course of treatment for your specific circumstance.

24. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 10:44AM UTC

    I hope you’ll re-read this post at some point and be able to see the absurdity of this discussion.

    -You’re the primary breadwinner and are struggling with home and work obligations
    -Your husband has been handed a get out of jail free card because he goes into the office everyday
    -You’ve articulated that you’re sinking and your husband says: I have a hard time with change so I’m going to continue to let you flounder, that status quo is alright with me!

    Shame on your husband as he sits passively and watches this slow motion car crash take place. What do you think will motivate him to step up? You having a mental breakdown, quitting your job or threatening to leave him? You’re really taking care of three children.

    He should be embarrassed that you’ve resorted to crowdsourcing advice from a bunch of strangers rather than stepping up to help his wife and small children.

    I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. The first few months of a newborn are so challenging and to have a spouse that sits by as you struggle? Time to put your ass kicking boots on. His behavior and adversity to change are ridiculous.

25. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 12:00PM UTC

    I wanted help on finding us a new routine or how to actually achieve the discussion.
    I am incredibly lucky in the fact my husband does do alot. Bottles, gets the toddler ready, helps cook etc. Its the mental load that is draining me. It is also the fact I never feel ahead at home or work because I am doing the job of 4 people as one person. My husband is actually trying he just needs direction/examples/articles to read to help him understand and I currently don't know how to give it to him.
    Marriage is a compromise and right now yelling at him and kicking him to get him going is going to shut him down if I know that why would I do something that would make my marriage worse?

26. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 12:44PM UTC

    I'm going to challenge this. No, your husband does not do A LOT. He really is kinda helping out. He does not need "direction/examples/etc." He needs to figure out how to keep things from falling apart. He is completely capable of problem solving. You do not need to do it for him. I'm sorry if I sound angry. I'm angry for you. You've been "keeping it together" for far too long. You need to let things go and tell him it is up to him to figure out how to get all the needs of the family covered.

27. Lori Laurito BetzOctober 4,2022 at 5:40PM UTC

    Oh stop. It’s not your first kid, so why does he need directions/examples/articles? He has two eyes, two hands, two legs, and-at least theoretically-one brain. He can take a look around and see what needs doing. YOU also have a mouth and a brain so…tell him. Tell him “I’m drowning here and I need you to (fill in the blank)”

    You said you use an app to keep track of everything across devices so he can already see the tasks that need doing. So he doesn’t like change-literally nobody likes change, he can get over himself.

    It was probably easier to adjust with the first child because it was only one child, and I’ll bet my next paycheck you took on everything you’re juggling now, which established this pattern. Now that there’s two it’s caught up to you.

28. Dena B.October 4,2022 at 8:26PM UTC

    Follow @thatdarnchat on Instagram.
    She covers how we allow our partners to slide by with a lot. I was not in your boat but trying to paddle with the same oars. She has offered a real perspective shift. She's got great content and I'm not generally one to suggest we need more time on social media. But I have learned from her.

29. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 1:06PM UTC

    I think its time to have an honest, uninterrupted conversation with your husband. You are at the point of exhaustion and he is not. Letting this fester while you try to do everything will be more dangerous to your marriage than confronting it head on. When you get some balance at home, then I'd start looking for another job. Until you have your home life figured out, you won't be presenting your best self in an interview.

30. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 12:50PM UTC

    I just went back to work (brand new job) 2.5 months postpartum. I found this job before I went on leave and that’s why I went back early because my previous role was the same as your situation. I was doing a job of 3 people. IMO time to find a new job that aligns better with your busy schedule but is the same type of role with the appropriate pay and workload. If you don’t burnout from work you’ll burnout from home duties. ALSO, time to have a calm conversation with your husband. I had to do this too, it’s important to lay it all on the table for them. They DO NOT read minds and they don’t get it tbh. I had to sit my husband down and tell him I NEED support in certain areas. Like you I EBF and it’s already an emotional rollercoaster getting up in the middle of the night etc. let alone finding time yourself. It’s before 6a where I’m at, I just fed the LO and about to workout for 30 mins because it’s the only time I have. But my husband is in charge of the LOs wake up routine so I can get a shower in before I need to feed him again. I had to communicate that it needed to be his responsibility. You don’t need medication in my humble opinion. You just need more support from your husband and maybe even your boss. You got this momma. I’m rooting for you and you’re crushing the mom game. Buttttt crush it harder by using your voice to get support and find time for yourself <3

31. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 12:58PM UTC

    I remember what a joy my husband was when we had each if our children. He never leaned towards being domestic but there he was cleaning and cooking and grocery shopping. He too is an engineer so he had schedules and processes on post-it notes. He gave me plenty if space so I could bond with the babies and he took over on weekends while I recovered. He organized the neighborhood (who desperately wanted to help) with meals and errands.

    I'm sorry you don't have that support. It's great that you recognize his complete lack of coping skills but at some point he needs to stop pretending he is incapable of stepping up. How on earth as an engineer does he function at his job? Engineering is full of change, adaptation and planning adjustments. So I think its convenient to be change adverse.

32. Maggie StoneOctober 4,2022 at 1:11PM UTC

    Sounds like things are rough. What I am hearing is that things are overwhelming and unmanageable. It also sounds like you have communicated your needs to your husband and employer. My advice is to think about what things, if removed from your plate, would make things easier and start negotiating from there.

33. Laura MikulskiOctober 4,2022 at 1:18PM UTC

    Honey, you are drowning.

    No amount of scheduling, planning, less
    sleep, skipping showers is going to save you.

    You need to have an honest conversation with your husband about your current situation. You are on the verge of a breakdown, whether you believe me or not. It’s all going to catch up with you and cause a massive explosion.

    Your husband needs to step up. Full stop. Otherwise, your relationship is doomed because you’re going to resent him forever if you don’t address it now.

    You deserve more. You deserve better.

34. Shelby COctober 4,2022 at 1:21PM UTC

    I agree. It is easier to have a difficult discussion now than be a single parent later.

35. Nicolette ThompsonOctober 4,2022 at 1:31PM UTC

    I’m actually hearing breakdown already.

    the husband needs to step up big time. If there’s a close friend or brother of the hubby, that might also be a good shoulder to lean on (ensure they’re on board to help hubby step up)

36. RachelOctober 4,2022 at 1:19PM UTC

    Congrats on your baby. I also just had my second and she is 4 months old while also being the bread winner for the family. We use the Cozi app for keeping things organized. It sounds like your husband needs to share the parenting load. I remember with my first I was taking her in and picking her up giving me no time for "me time" which for me was the gym. I broke down and asked him to please start picking her up and was all for helping. He didn't realize I was struggling. Guys can't read our minds unfortunately. Have you talked to him about this? At the same time I was also working for a company where I had 3 people's jobs as well so I can't help with that part. It made my days go quickly so that was at least nice.

    Now, I do have a different job but ever since my first kid we've always shared responsibility. He gets them ready for school and takes them in so I can get the gym time in the morning and then I pick them up on the way home from work while he cooks dinner. I definitely think you need to bring this up to him and just straight up ask how he can help.

37. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 1:30PM UTC

    If your boss won’t help ease your load, maybe your husband’s should. Can he work remotely 1-2 days a week? Why is it always the mom adapting? Dads can and should work to find a schedule that works for a new family dynamic. Who will care for your children/meal plan/grocery shop when you’re away for a week?

38. Barbara PalmerOctober 4,2022 at 1:37PM UTC

    Mama, you are doing so much and I encourage you to honor yourself in this first and foremost.

    Now time to change what is not working for you. I recommend Fair Play. There is a book (but who has time) so order the card deck. It gamefies with your partner what needs to get done in the household. You divide up the cards and make the running of the household fair and equitable. I also encourage having a candid conversation with yourself about this job. If you aren't a priority for them (if you do the work of 3 people then you are telling the company that you can do the work of 3 people), then they should not be a priority for you. Easier said than done (changing jobs is more work) so I encourage a candid conversation with your manager and/or HR about what is realistic and then hold your boundaries. Boundaries are not someone else's go give but yours to maintain.

    Sending love and support. Taking care of you is taking care of your babies so please prioritize that.

39. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 1:56PM UTC

    Sounds like husband prefers being one of the kids. You are enable his complete dysfunction as an adult.

    I get that you want to excuse his preference to remain on the sidelines. That is your choice and the decision made between you and him. But the burden of 100% of the load must be addressed so hired help and some boundaries at work are in desperately needed. You don't sound like someone who wants to make any waves but at some point you need to arrange for support or you will implode and then you will be faced with much more serious issues. I would immediately enlist hubby's parents to come pick up their son's responsibilities (i have a feeling they're used to navigating his life since he never learned coping skills) then arrange for additional help as needed.

    On the job front be honest and clear on what you can and cannot handle.

40. Jennifer CarterOctober 4,2022 at 2:29PM UTC

    Well, first congratulations on your new bundle of joy and for keeping it together for this long! Every mom ever has been there no matter how many kids you have.

    You just have to drop some of those balls!

    Work doesn’t care that you have kids, they will replace you, so get it done or move on to something else, you not pulling your weight is a burden on everyone there, who may also have kids. Have a serious talk with your husband because you also shouldn’t have to direct him to pull his weight at home. He’s an adult. Finally, enjoy those kids because you blink and they are grown, and you won’t remember that work task that was so important but you will remember missing those big things with your kids. So, you decide what your priorities are.

    you have to take time for yourself, always!

41. Valentina Huang, MBA, SHRM-CPOctober 4,2022 at 2:31PM UTC

    Congrats on baby #2. Finding a rhythm with one, not to mention two is and can be a challenge. Both you and your husband are a team - partners in life. I'm hoping that if you haven't already told him that you're struggling and he sees that you're struggling, that you both come up with a solution. You should not be the only one seeking help. With that said, it sounds like you may want to consider outside help - like a part time nanny or someone to come help even for an hour. Mental health is real - especially for moms pospartum. That extra time (even for one hour), can allow you to take a shower, take a breath, just help you refocus. Please be kind to yourself, Try to remember that you have to take care of yourself first, so that you can take care of your family - kids. It's hard! Ask for help. Work through it together, and it will get better.

    As for work, I'm happy to hear you love your job. Do you have a good relationship with your supervisor? Request a sit down meeting and provide an update on the current situation at work. Show that you are getting the job done, but would be great if you could get some help too! If they aren't willing to offer support, then maybe take some time off and/or start looking for an alternative position.

    Try to stay positive. You have a new baby. Cherish the time you have while they are still young because it does go by in the blink of an eye.

    This season will pass. As a mom, I know you're a fighter and you're determined to do everything you can for your family. Just remember that even machines, require maintenance and care. Please be kind to yourself. Ask for help.

42. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 2:45PM UTC

    At this point I'm really not even going to offer advice because in reading through the responses, it looks like everyone who has offered something you counter with some reason on why their advice won't work or why your husband can't change or why you can't do this or he can't do that, etc. Don't ask for advice until you are truly ready to accept it and act on it rather than continue on with excuses as to why you can't.

43. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 3:47PM UTC

    ^^this!

44. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 2:50PM UTC

    I agree with many of the below commenters about getting your husband to do more to help.
    He's going to do things his way, which may be uncomfortable because it isn't your way, but you need to let him do it. And if he doesn't then it doesn't get done.

    If financially possible, I'd also suggest you outsource a few of your tasks. Have groceries delivered, send out your laundry, get someone to clean your home.

    Also take a super critical look at your workload and see if you're doing anything that isn't necessary/a priority and start trimming those things out. Your company won't hire help for you, if you continue to support more than one persons workload. They aren't "feeling" the need for more employees because work is getting done.

    Good luck. You're going to find your groove.

45. Barbara WhiteOctober 5,2022 at 2:09PM UTC

    Excellent advice!

46. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 5:10PM UTC

    Well, first of all, you cannot balance all that you have to do. This is the world we live in now, what our culture has created, and it’s ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as being chased by wild animals, wearing no cloths, except for what you find in the wild, while you breast feed your own small “animal” by the camp fire…. That’s how we started, and now our lives seem almost as chaotic in this world we live in now. Not quit as dangerous, but still so chaotic.

    I would TELL your husband that you need more of his physical, and mental help, or you are going to loose it. Because you will. Be kind, be gentle, but make sure you are heard. You have until this child is in grade school a very uphill, energy sapping, and yet rewarding life. You are a team, and you need help. Just as the woman before me said, I had to do it on my own. Now my Son just graduated from high school, and is in college. I Miss Him…..

    Your job should not have to take the front seat, but in this world that’s how it works. Do not take on extra work, ask for some help - Sounds like your position is in need of it. Hopefully you are being treated as well as your male colleagues, and your company hears you when you speak?

47. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 6:58PM UTC

    I would suggest a management technique. Let things fail and use that as an opportunity to change things. Revisit your standards vs his, what’s on BOTH to/do lists, and all that to create a new plan forward.

48. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 8:48PM UTC

    Girl, it’s like you’re asking “how do I get 16 hours of work done in 8”?

    If you don’t delegate work to your husband and lighten your load with your employer, you are not going to “reestablish routines and balance workload” with a new family member. You obviously are very ambitious, but face reality that you are biting way more than you can chew and solutions need to be drawn.

49. AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 9:30PM UTC

    Travel for you might be a good wake up call for your husband. He’ll experience how much you’re doing. Other than pumping, don’t prep for being gone; let him figure it out. You do. And you balance a demanding job. One where he enjoys the fruits of your labor. He needs to step up.

50. Horia Patience ProssairdOctober 5,2022 at 5:59AM UTC

    With all that you have going on, it makes perfect sense that you will feel sad to leave your not yet four months baby home with a father who does not seem to help much.

    Women sometimes take too much on their plate, thinking they must do it all or take care of kids alone. It will take some time to figure out a new schedule that works for you now that you have two young children.

    However, it will be beneficial to give some of the household load to your husband and allow him (I say this because sometimes, we feel we can do it better)to figure out things by himself.

    For peace of mind when you travel (I'm guessing the children will go to daycare), leave some basic instructions to your husband. If you have friends or family around, instruct them sometimes to drop by to check on the kids. He can figure the rest out, and this way, he will know how much you do at home and hopefully will step up his game a little more.

    Things always work out for the best, but you have to be willing to trust that children are in good hands( with their father).

51. Mary Beth FerranteOctober 5,2022 at 2:31PM UTC

    I highly recommend Fair Play and possibly even working with a Fair Play facilitator to support you both to navigate the changes!

52. AnonymousOctober 5,2022 at 4:14PM UTC

    Honestly, I've fought that battle... and it ended up costing my mental health. My partner at the time refused to change and take on the load.

    Having your partner STEP UP and take some of this off your plate HAS TO HAPPEN, or you will burn out and become resentful of everyone-- your husband, your job, your role as a mother. You could take a step back in your career to balance things if he doesn't start taking responsibility.

    Also -- traveling and pumping sucks so much but the airlines are at least better about not dumping milk then they were 10 years ago.

53. Emily LinamanOctober 5,2022 at 7:30PM UTC

    I’m sorry you are having such a rough time- post- partum hormonal emotions are no joke! I do wonder how much this is about the state of your marriage? Sounds like you are doing EVERYTHING so I just have to ask- why doesn’t your husband do more? I have a friend who is the primary breadwinner. Her husband is an amazing homemaker and stay at home dad. They balance the load so it feels equitable. I do not hear any evidence of equity in your marriage :(

54. AnonymousOctober 6,2022 at 1:26PM UTC

    I can say my marriage is very balanced normally.
    My husband is an amazing dad and normally an amazing spouse. I honestly think reflecting and discussing with him after some of the constructive feedback here (not just tell my husband to help) that he is dealing with some emotional challenges with baby #2. My husbands love language is physical touch 1st and I realized I have barely given him that in over three months. Plus he had an emotional tough year. Was laid off when a COO decided that fixed costs were too high. Got a new job that came with a lot of stressful deadlines including a major one right after baby was born. He got 1 week off that he stressed over because it was off books not actually allowed but his boss being a good person. Other than that he has had no parental leave and only a couple days vacation for the year because the new job. I picked up a lot of the household items when on maternity leave and I never voiced needing them to be redistributed when I returned to work. I assumed he just knew. He has some issues like refusing to pay attention to the app but he has taken my feedback and is now religiously checking it each day. (only a few days but he is trying to make it a habit).

55. AnonymousOctober 6,2022 at 1:30PM UTC

    The lesson I have learned here is not assuming he knew and communicating I need help in a clear and concise way. We definitely have had issues talking as we have 30 minutes max a night to try and communicate. It is just the two of us the closet family is over a hour and half away. We have to lean on each other a lot and we need to learn to communicate efficiently with the time we have right now. Some people had articles or ideas that were quite helpful in our discussions.

56. Veronika Strnadova-NeeleyOctober 6,2022 at 2:27AM UTC

    I agree with a lot of what has been said. I'll emphasize the sleep. I would suggest starting there -- how can you get a full night's sleep? That may mean re-prioritizing and leaving some things undone, that can then be the things you ask your husband to do, or someone else, or let them go. In my experience sleep is the foundation and once that crumbles it's impossible to keep up. Also if possible and if you can afford it, perhaps you or your husband or both can extend your parental leave or go part time temporarily. I'm on my third child, and taking my longest leave yet (some of it unpaid) and coming back part-time for a long time. We had a lot of discussions about why that might be best for us, even though I was the primary earner. The baby phase is tough but I also want to soak it up and work can wait.

57. AnonymousOctober 6,2022 at 3:00AM UTC

    Yikes. I don't know how why you felt the need to say "welcome to motherhood again, it's not going to be easy." Not helpful.

58. JJOctober 6,2022 at 5:05AM UTC

    I am not even going to read the comments because I am guessing they are not nice but remember your future—your kids will learn that men do nothing and women are responsible for everything growing up in that household. Love should be mutual, not one-sided. Living yourself first may be the key.

59. AnonymousOctober 6,2022 at 6:18AM UTC

    Write a list of all your needs.
    Then write a list of how you know your husband can help. This is supposed to be your teammate and support. Block off atleast 30 min to have a productive discussion with him articulating those needs. Explain to him your current state in that your wellness is adversely impacted. A good understanding husband will compromise with you and genuinely try to do more as best he can. You should have action items that come out of that meeting. If u have family like a single adult brother or sis who got time on their hands and they live nearby, ask them for help too. Even if it means having a mommy break for self care to help get you grounded on a regular basis. Don’t try to resolve this alone… bc u didn’t make your kids alone

60. AnonymousOctober 6,2022 at 12:46PM UTC

    Stop doing the dishes, no laundry, no hot meals. Make sure sleep more than your husband on weekends and let him know he has two kids to care about.

    If he doesn't get it let me tell you're doomed...don't think for a sec it´s just your responsibility.

    Take your hand off your heart and you'll see what happens when he realizes he also had two hands to do his part.

    Don't get me wrong: you are not "asking for help" it's his obligation also.

    Love to you.

61. Liz MilneOctober 6,2022 at 1:38PM UTC

    This ^^^^ Allll of this! It's not only on you, and if you're primary earner, he needs to step the heck up...