When My manager requests one on one meeting with myself she never has anything positive to say

45 Comments

1. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 1:06PM UTC

   One on one are desugned as person or video. An email or chat are not designed as personal.

   So I don't think that's an option.

   I would bring up the results of your meetings and suggest or request that there be a more balanced exchange where both constructive criticism and praise could be included so you don't leave demoralized.

2. Hilary GrayJanuary 12,2023 at 1:24PM UTC

   I have had this happen to me a few companies ago, to the point where I still get nervous about going into a one on one. Would you be open to speaking with HR about it? It can really affect your wellbeing in the long run.

3. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 2:16PM UTC

   I agree. If you are comfortable (there should be no retaliation), I would reach out to HR. Toxic work environments are tough, I have been through that myself in a past life. In my case, the HR team was also part of the toxicity. I reached out to an outside mentor to get advice, gather my thoughts, and then began to look for a better job and moved on. You do have a right to ask for your personal HR file as well. In my case, I requested it as physical proof in case they disputed anything. You need to take care of you at this point. Good luck.

4. Juli PelletierJanuary 12,2023 at 1:44PM UTC

   A living nightmare, which destroys your self esteem and confidence. You deserve better; courtesy and respect?

   I had moved to a job last spring and the boss ended up being this same exact style - I put up with it for too long, (4 months ) it took me about two to see the true light. I quit!

   Of course I had weighed my options before doing so, and had already begun looking. I also no longer carry the insurance for my family, so that was a huge factor which allowed me to do it. I was going to give a notice, and was working diligently to get all my work done so it didn’t over burden my two co-workers, I did the best I could, but had one more public shaming and decided I am done. That seat has been revolving, it seems she has been getting away with this treatment of staff for years, and executives don’t care, nor does HR. I have been working for 42 years, and I never left a job without having another in line, or without giving a ‘proper’ notice. I have reached the point in my life that I will not let anyone take my sparkle away.

   You deserve to keep your sparkle too. All the best.

5. AnonymousJanuary 12,2023 at 3:05PM UTC

   Does she offer constructive criticism during the session or just put you down? Are there any suggestions for how to do things the way she wants them, or does she point and say, "this is wrong," without saying why? I agree that email exchange is not a good idea because you cannot read body language, and there is no inflection, so things are often misinterpreted. What I would do, if I needed or wanted the paper trail, is next time you do a 1:1, take notes and write up a summary of her concerns and then suggestions for taking corrective action when you get back to your desk. If she gave suggestions, include those and either commit or ask for clarification. This can be done by email, generating the paper trail you want, and allowing her to agree or disagree that you understood her concerns.

6. AnnJanuary 14,2023 at 3:13AM UTC

   Thanks for your advice

7. Georgia SinghJanuary 12,2023 at 5:27PM UTC

   Well... you can certainly follow up with an email that goes over all that toxic vomit that was tossed at you. (A bit dramatic, I know.)

   And let me add: you know you might need to find a healthier environment, right? (Mental abuse will put you therapy.) You can't pull in this manager by going to lunch or engaging in a team activity--it's beyond that.

   I have hope for you!

8. AnnJanuary 14,2023 at 3:14AM UTC

   Thanks ?

9. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 1:15PM UTC

   I went through this. She gave me a promotion and huge payrise on a friday making me her right hand person. The following Friday took me into a meeting and extended my probation period for 3 months and said she wanted to keep me focused as she didn’t think i was focused enough. I was doing 3 peoples roles, successfully as well. I turned the whole department around and made it successful. She didn’t realise that in that meeting I decided enough was enough. I never went back. Handed my notice in on the Monday to leave immediately. Because probation had been extended I didn’t have to give notice. Left her right in the shit. She used to say things to me like ‘don’t forget how much you’re earning’. ‘Do you deserve the payrise’ she never had my back with anything but expected me to have hers. I was there 8 months. In that time 9 people from my team left because of her, all their duties fell on me. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m still scared from it to be honest

10. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

    I recently left an huge hospital system that did this. Constantly told you how horrible of a job you were doing then told that’s the way it goes there. It’s done to everyone, no matter who you are. They wonder why people leave heaithcare.

11. Jennifer ShoffnerJanuary 13,2023 at 1:43PM UTC

    I don't think you should have the meetings via email. I do think you should ask if there is anything positive she can say about your work. If not, then that is another conversation. Is there an option to speak with someone in HR to get advice on how to proceed?

12. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 2:43PM UTC

    I left Apple because of the same nonsense. I've been much happier in the five years since!

13. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 3:09PM UTC

    Request that you have an advocate in the next meeting with you.

14. JJJanuary 13,2023 at 4:11PM UTC

    You can start running the meetings and sharing your successes. You can build up the courage to tell her directly what your perspective is. You could go to HR or another manager for advice. Ultimately people leave companies because of bad management. They probably will not change so if this is a negative impact that means you cannot be successful (if you can’t ignore it) you should start job hunting.

15. AnnJanuary 14,2023 at 3:06AM UTC

    Thanks for your advice ?

16. AnonymousJanuary 14,2023 at 1:39PM UTC

    This is very accurate. Taking charge of the agenda of your 1-1 is the best way to start to push back on the behavior. Here’s a proposal for you if it would help:
    Start with accomplishments and provide any customer or stakeholder feedback on the work you received. Then do upcoming priorities, projects, or tasks (depending on your role and expectations). Next do current status and any roadblocks. Your boss should be helping you move the boulders to make you productive. Then hand over the meeting to your boss on what she needs to cover.This approach allows you to celebrate your successes and get what you need from your boss to continue to deliver. If you do this, and your boss still is a beat down queen, then this behavior is not changing regardless of reframing the conversation.

17. Maggie StoneJanuary 14,2023 at 1:41PM UTC

    To the OP, sorry you are going through this, I imagine that it feels awful to be spoken to like that. It may not seem like it, but you have some control here. As JJ stated, you can guide the conversation if you come prepared with a list your successes and a list of your own questions and concerns. You don’t have to let her completely control the meeting and heap on criticism.

18. AnonymousJanuary 14,2023 at 1:49PM UTC

    This is going to sound negative perhaps but if this is a consistent behavior of your manager towards you and others I’d start looking for another role to work with a more competent manager. As much as taking charge of the meeting can help a little bit, in my experience, if a person is negative and abusive there is only so much you can impact their personality and emotional intelligence. Better off seeking work with a better overall manager, as opposed to trying to get into the head of a person you’d be better off forgetting about.

19. Jennifer FingerJanuary 14,2023 at 2:07PM UTC

    I agree with documenting the meeting as much as possible in whatever form it takes. Also, if your manager is a direct report herself, the next time she tries to schedule such a meeting with you, consider requesting that her supervisor sit in the meeting so that it's not a one-on-one.

20. Grace BergeronJanuary 14,2023 at 2:20PM UTC

    I am sorry this is happening to you.

    Take the lead. Learn ow to manage your manager. Ask for an agenda for your one on ones prior to the meeting. Be prepare to address all the items n the agenda. Take control of the meeting.

    One on ones SHOULD be a chance for employees and employers to leran and grow.

    Take explicit notes to have a running notes with dates and times of each meeting. Highlight any due dates on your calendar (not to miss deadlines)

    Stay AHEAD of your manager.

    Manage your manager

    Good luck!

21. AnonymousJanuary 14,2023 at 10:34PM UTC

    What does manage your manager even mean? In my experience that is a cop out phrase used by checked-out/negligent managers to shift the blame when their mismanagement/dismissiveness finally catches up with them. Managers should manage, not count on their employees to manage them.

22. AnonymousJanuary 14,2023 at 2:27PM UTC

    i don’t think you can request that it be done by email. What you can do is send her an email after the meeting with a recap of your understanding of what was said - “just confirming, this is what was discussed”. Bonus points if you can use direct quotes. Alternatively, if you can do it over zoom or teams, record the call. Depending on where you are, you may need her consent for that, but “just to make sure I don’t miss anything important”

23. AnonymousJanuary 14,2023 at 3:25PM UTC

    I have had toxic jobs due to bad managers and coworkers. This takes a toll on your psyche. You can't fix people. It will not improve. I'm not at all convinced that HR will be helpful. You can try to move into another department without bad-mouthing your current manager. I don't see HR as a trusted resource in these situations. HR is for when you need to go on medical leave etc. Over the years, I have learned to keep a nest egg, so I have more options to leave a job in these situations or accept less pay at a kinder place to work. Avoid moving to areas with limited employment options. Toxic managers/toxic work places are everywhere.

24. AnonymousJanuary 14,2023 at 3:54PM UTC

    Toxicity grows in organizations if not kept in check by upper mgmt. They have to make sure it stops from the top down. If this is not happening, I suggest you look for another position. You alone cannot change a toxic environment wo executive sponsorship.

25. Arlene Frances Gottardo (Bryak)January 14,2023 at 3:58PM UTC

    ….so, now, YOU say something positive, when there is an opening, that is. (He he) (I apologize for starting my comment with “so”)

26. Arlene Frances Gottardo (Bryak)January 14,2023 at 4:08PM UTC

    What I mean, is if you really like this job, (enjoy the work, are invigorated & challenged by it, camaraderie is good w/co-workers, etc.)- then you’ll have to “work” with this person- and kind-of make the best of this. Hence, at these meetings, turn the table & say some really positive things to your boss- talk about all the things you love, how you acknowledge you may need improvement, but nevertheless believe you are improving! And, if these meetings are stressing you out, then you will have to say that to this person, also. Best of luck.

27. AnonymousJanuary 14,2023 at 4:25PM UTC

    I'm going to repeat bits of advice from other posts in one place. Take more control of the situation:

    Do not ask for a meeting by email -- that would only document the negative she ways about you

    You must document the content of the discussion in an email

    Check the state law on recording conversations -- whether or not you need to

    notify/ask permission

    Here in New York State, I can record a conversation/meeting without asking

    permission or notifying others as long as all participants are located in the

    state of New York.

    You won't need a lawyer to check for you, a five-minute Google should give

    you the answer.

    If you can record without notification, you can use the recording to write your

    documentation AND combine your documentation of all meeting with dates in

    one Word file

    If you can't record, take notes during the meeting.

    Before the meetings, Jot down what you have achieved and done well recently.

    Include context (example, "even though another colleague left and I have been

    doing the work of 2 or 3")

    Read that to her and ask her to acknowledge it (for example, You're aware of that, right? Just wanted to make sure.)

    Use your documentation of the meeting to write your email, but phrase it positively, meaning, she asked you to improve in the area/s of...

    Don't make it a negative repeat of what she said is your bad behavior/poor performance.

    I don't know your situation, but I do know that many life situations can trap a person without the option to look for or switch to another job/location. If you can, you should look for another job, either internally or with another company.

    You are the best judge of how helpful company HR would be with your manager. I know it will pain our fellow FGB HR posters, who are good people, many times an approach to HR will only cause a damaging explosion/end your job and have no repercussions on the manager.

    I'm sorry this is such a painful experience -- and good luck!

28. AnnJanuary 18,2023 at 11:19PM UTC

    Thanks for your advice..appreciated

29. RichJanuary 14,2023 at 4:34PM UTC

    Find a new job. When you leave, do your remaining co-workers a favor. Be very specific in the exit interview.

    HR knows that the most common reason, by far, for people leaving a company is bad management. They need to know about the troll they have in that role. But, you don't need to suffer anymore.

    Meanwhile, practice selfcare. Do things, outside of work, that make you feel valuable for who you are. I can't tell you what those things are, but I can tell you what they are not. Nothing that costs money, or involves drugs or alcohol. They could include family time, spouse time, hobbies, reading, devotionals, and especially, exercise.

    Put this company in your rear view mirror!

30. Madam anon663January 14,2023 at 6:20PM UTC

    We must have the same boss.

31. AnonymousJanuary 14,2023 at 6:39PM UTC

    I would give her feedback directly. Let her know that while you appreciate constructive criticism it is being perceived as mean girl it's not appropriate to do it in front of others and certainly not customers, and not supportive of you wanting to be better at your job. If nothing changes bring HR into the conversation. If that doesn't help its time for a job search.

32. KathrynJanuary 14,2023 at 7:16PM UTC

    You can try to talk to her, but I do not think she will listen. No one ever taught her to manage but that is not your fault. Go to HR right now and if I were you I would make sure my resume is up to date. This will cause more issues with your manager. It maybe a new job is best or if you love the work go over her head. If there have been lots of turnover. They will probably listen. I also bet this manager has favorites which makes working even more difficult. CYA and start with HR and then make an appointment with her manager

33. Cindy WilsonJanuary 14,2023 at 7:37PM UTC

    I recommend there be documentation of each meeting that you have with you manager. This is something the manager should be doing anyway. You could initiate this on your own but your manager may not sign it. That is a risk you take but I would say it is worth it so your meetings are documented. However, this could backfire on you giving your manager ammunition to fire you should the manager be the type of person to "spin" the situation to the manager advantage. You can go to HR but, my experience has been that HR is largely there for the managers and I have been told that by a HR representative. Plus, this can further agitate your manager.

    Ultimately, is this a job you really want? Daily stress like that can lead to physical health issues as well as a strain on one's mental wellness. You may want to invest in getting your resume updated and apply for other positions that are more in line with what you are worth. Consider your skillset and if there is a career path you have been wanting to pursue. Don't let fear of the unknown hold you back from the possibilities that lie ahead of you! This is of course if this applies to your situation.

    Bottom line: It is not okay to be belittled in front of customers and staff. You are worth more than this. By the way, what would happen if you call her out in front of these customers and other staff? Has anyone ever done this? It is not okay to be bullied in the workplace.

34. crystal kimballJanuary 14,2023 at 9:58PM UTC

    Its perfectly ok to let your boss know that you feel that way. I would bring someone else with you as a witness for the conversation. if you are uncomfortable with telling your boss that yourself or are concerned about how you are treated after, you Can also let the HR department of your work know how you feel. There is a good chance that if you feel that way. other associate do as well. There is a small chance that your does doesn't realize how he/she is treating you. This may be what motivate him/her so that's how they try to motivate others???

35. AnonymousJanuary 14,2023 at 10:27PM UTC

    I need to ask. What’s the point of documenting bullying if you live in at will State where your employer can fire you for not liking the color of your shirt? I had a bullying manager who literally fabricated evidence against me and sullied my reputation across the company, all the while yelling at me in front of my team. HR would not help. My colleagues told me that they were horrified. But in the end I had no option because “being a jerk” is not punishable by law (the expensive lawyer told me that) and I’m not a protected person under the law. So there you have it. Managers can be abusive in organizations that tolerate it. No matter how accurate your evidence and even with witnesses, you are powerless as an employee if someone is intent on hurting you, and they have the backing of the higher ups, they simply can. Truth and fairness are irrelevant when there are no laws to protect employees in “at will” states.

36. Bradford McCormickJanuary 15,2023 at 5:38AM UTC

    It will be so nice the day you have landed a new job with a mamager who respects people and you can enlighten HR nd this perso's manager how she is harming the company. She herself doesn't deserve the time of day, does she?

37. AnnJanuary 18,2023 at 11:13PM UTC

    Exactly…thanks

38. Goalsetter708899January 15,2023 at 6:10AM UTC

    Dealing with the same thing. I’ve gone up as far as my boss’s boss’s boss… they all love her and defend her actions, even though it’s causing massive turnover and burnout for those of us who stay. My next step is HR. If I can’t resolve this issue, I myself am leaving because the negativity is too much.

39. Maureen MulveyJanuary 15,2023 at 7:32AM UTC

    Clearly using a one on one incorrectly. Although some negative feedback could also benefit you by helping you to improve prior to your annual review. Personally I think solo meetings should be used to give quarterly initiatives and to look for information from you personally.

40. Erica MitchellJanuary 15,2023 at 2:07PM UTC

    You could ask for a video call and ask if you can record it to remember everything she said. Then share that video with her superiors.

41. AnonymousJanuary 15,2023 at 7:04PM UTC

    You are joking right? What person in their right mind would do this?

42. AnnJanuary 16,2023 at 7:56AM UTC

    Thanks, that is possibly a good idea

43. Liz MilneJanuary 16,2023 at 6:30PM UTC

    I've got to the age where if she was rude in front of a customer I would criticise her management style right back to her face! (Or, I'd like to, but that's really awkward for the customer, so maybe not! :P )

44. Valentina Huang, MBA, SHRM-CPJanuary 19,2023 at 3:14AM UTC

    I'm sorry to hear you have a manager that is not treating you well. Its never a good feeling to be criticized, let alone in front of others. That being said, managers are human and sometimes might not realize they are behaving in this manner. I would recommend communicating with your manager about their managing style and how it is affecting you. See if that improves. If not, then I would go to HR and let them know. However, be warned that by going to HR, you now have made your 'case' known and there may be some backlash. Document all meetings and state the facts not your feelings. This will help if HR asks for examples. Good luck.

45. AnonymousFebruary 3,2023 at 9:15PM UTC

    Sorry to be late to the discussion, but you might want to ask her if you can record the one-on-one sessions on your cell phone. Tell her that it will help you to be able to hear the "advice" more than once so that you could make necessary changes. If she agrees, you will either have proof of her abusive management style or she may take a more positive approach since she is being recorded.

    If she continues to criticize you in front of others, you might ask her to demonstrate how she would rather you handle the situation. Now she will need to put her actions where her critical mouth is.

    Above all, keep reminding yourself that this not about you - she suffers from both low self-esteem and poor management skills.