This might be a long post, but it feels as if my boss is bullying me and I am looking for a second opinion.

Anonymous

October 4,2022 at 12:53AM UTC

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This might be a long post, but it feels as if my boss is bullying me and I am looking for a second opinion.

A few months ago when the company off-site was announced (we all work remote), I sent hr a letter from my husband's care manager because in addition to my full-time job I am also his caregiver.

This has never caused an issue with my getting work done etc. I just cannot leave him home alone for a full week with no care to travel across country and we have no family to come in and care for him.

So after sharing this with hr, they had a meeting with me to discuss and see if I needed a flexible work schedule or anything. I explained to them that my caregiving duties don't overlap because I can get his meds before work in the morning and also in the evening before bed. It's a routine we have.

Well anyway, hr asked if they could discuss this with my manager and I gave the ok.

Since then my manager has made me feel guilty for not being able to attend in-person. She points it out in our marketing meeting where other employees are in attendance. Then this week another employee outright asked me if I would be there when we were causally discussing the off site meeting.

Maybe I am taking this out of context, but it makes me feel bad when it's brought up. I mean she even asked me when she first learned of this how I thought she should tell my coworkers.

"IDK you are the manager shouldn't you figure out how to tell them."

Anyway, it's 2 weeks out and I just feel like every meeting she is pointing out to either me or another attendee that I will not be there.

Any suggestions on how to handle this would be appreciated.

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AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 3:18AM UTC
I think it really depends on how much you want your coworkers to know about your personal life. You had a chance to control the narrative and you didn't, and now it's unfortunately biting you in the butt so to speak.
You can either address it as people ask you or do nothing at all. If you want your coworkers to know your business you can tell them that when you are not working, you are also your husband's caregiver. He needs someone to help him and no one else in the family was able to step in and take care of him, so unfortunately you cannot attend in person but are excited to participate virtually.
Out of curiosity, is there any way that he is mobile enough to go with you? So that you can be there in person and still do your caregiving duties? I'm assuming there isn't, but in case you hadn't thought of it I figured I'd throw the idea out there.
Regardless of what you decide to do, document everything. That way if she continues this passive aggressive behavior after the in-person meeting, you have proof of when it started.
Good luck I hope things get better!
AnonymousOctober 4,2022 at 2:45PM UTC
I definitely agree — I would start to document the meetings as best you can.
Tabbi KinionOctober 5,2022 at 1:39AM UTC
My comments apply if you are in the US - If your organization is large enough (50+ employees), you should consider filing FMLA paperwork as your husband's caregiver. Even if you take no time, there are federal protections there.
Also, her disclosing any details of your husband's condition borders or crosses HIPAA laws. She needs to be considerate of that. She could get your employer in trouble there.
Please tell your manager that you are uncomfortable with her comments. Please take some time to document her comments and when things seem inappropriate - a log of date/what was said/who was there is invaluable in these matters. Document. Document. Document.
And, if she doesn't grow up and realize some people cannot travel for reasons beyond their control, go to HR with your documentation. As a supervisor, she is a liability to the company.
Good luck!