End of year work parties is it ok to not attend.

34 Comments

1. Heather (she/her)October 27,2023 at 7:22AM UTC

   This is a really tough call for me because I really don't like drinking-focused work events or the idea of "enforced fun" ... but I would say that if you're in a leadership role and your team or adjacent teams are going to be there, it might be in your best interest to at least make an appearance. You can always claim a prior engagement later in the evening so that you have a set time to leave.

2. AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 10:46AM UTC

   I'm not a fan. At all.

   Previous employer, I attended them on occasion but primarily because my manager said by not doing so was hurting my career with the company. But man, those were epic events (not in a good way). The stories stemming from them were told for years. That employer has since toned down those events.

   My advice to you? Go. Put in an appearance. Talk with a few individuals (higher up) so that your presence is verified. Set a time limit and subtly scoot out of there when you hit that limit.

3. AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 12:37PM UTC

   A real leader would make an effort to connect with junior employees, not just kiss up to leaders. Missed opportunity, IMO.

4. AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 12:42PM UTC

   Agree. This is the difference between angling for personal career advancement and serving as a model for your team.

5. AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 1:07PM UTC

   My apologies...I was going from my experience...when I was not a leader nor anywhere close.

6. AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 4:15PM UTC

   I would say talk to your team members before the higher ups. The team will appreciate it more.

7. AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 12:35PM UTC

   As a leader, you have an opportunity to influence the direction of these work events. Join the planning committee, or assign a proxy to attend on your behalf and steer the event away from drinking. Or offer non-alcoholic options. I also don’t drink but I don’t expect others around me to adjust their behavior because of that. As a leader, you signed up for things like holiday parties and pressing the flesh with your subordinates and underlings. I personally expect to see my leadership team at events like this. I want to see them setting a tone from the top and fostering an environment of celebration and fellowship. If I were you, I’d suck it up, put on a game face for a few hours and hit then on switch. That’s what leaders do…even if they don’t want to.

8. AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 2:26PM UTC

   Underlings....yikes

9. Alexis GladstoneOctober 27,2023 at 12:36PM UTC

   I agree with others who have responded that as a leader in the organization it's good to make an appearance. Be sure to not tell anyone beforehand that you are planning to leave early (unless you say you have have another commitment that you will need to get to) as you know this will end up getting around. Mingle with your team, peers, and some higher ups if possible, then make your exit.

10. Terrie McWhorterOctober 27,2023 at 2:29PM UTC

    HUGE opportunity to evoke change. Steer the planning of the event!!! If this is at a private residence, state that it is a "bring you own". This is important as it should be considered, what happens if someone should perish in a car accident AFTER attending a sponsored event from the company that provided the booze. Also, you don't have to stay, but you should make an early appearance.

11. AnonymousOctober 27,2023 at 4:13PM UTC

    If you were part of my leadership team and didn't show up to events I would think you didn't want to be part of the team or you didn't like your team. It is not required to drink at any event you go to, that is a personal choice. If people get drunk, that is on them not you. Like others have said you don't have to stay long just show up, your presence will matter more than you know.

12. AnonymousOctober 28,2023 at 12:34PM UTC

    I am also in a leadership position and do not drink, I have made significant efforts to decentralize alcohol from any work events without luck. While I understand for many, it is an element that helps them enjoy the event, as someone who doesn’t drink, I’ve been approached by many over the years who have shared struggles with alcohol or struggles being around alcohol for various reasons. I simply attend the earlier part of the event before excusing myself, but I am also sure that I make it clear that any of the team members are free to do the same.

13. Maggie StoneOctober 28,2023 at 12:45PM UTC

    Look at it as a chance to connect with your team, show leadership, and model responsible behavior. Could also make it byob or give folks a limited number of drink vouchers or tickets, or only serve. wine or beer. Also, no one says you have to stay until the bitter end or go to the after party, but your presence or absence will be noticed.

14. AnonymousOctober 28,2023 at 12:53PM UTC

    I would not go. Say you are double booked for that event. I also do not drink and my company parties are centered around getting wasted. I went to a few and then decided that I was no longer going. If it’s a sit down dinner, I go for dinner then leave quickly after. If it’s an event that is only for drinking I do not go. No one has really questioned it - they say “you were missed” but they still had a great time without me. The pressure to go was in my head not by anyone else.

15. AnonymousOctober 28,2023 at 7:01PM UTC

    Yes! Exactly! The pressure is in your head!

16. maria roseOctober 28,2023 at 3:13PM UTC

    If the event is company event, you could do a quick 15-20 minute walk around and leave without indulging—especially if you are not paying for your share of the costs and it’s just a company paid event. If you have to contribute to attend, you can use the excuse of prior obligations especially during the holiday season. Unless you have signed paperwork that requires you to attend these events as a training session, you don’t have to attend.

17. AnonymousOctober 28,2023 at 5:03PM UTC

    If you are in leadership perhaps speak to the top of the chain and let them know that as a non-drinker you find it difficult to attend for the reasons you list herein. Perhaps they will consider setting a 2 drink limit on the company expense to contain liability etc. As an alternative make a short brief appearance and excuse yourself after say 30 minutes about an hour into the event citing a family emergency or other family conflict. Don't stay where your comfort level is past what you feel is appropriate.

18. AnonymousOctober 28,2023 at 5:59PM UTC

    Many good suggestions here. Dealing with the opposite “work holiday party” scenario- holiday breakfast 30 miles from home at 9 am on a Saturday morning during the thick of the holiday season. Everyone is encouraged to bring their families and their kiddos - Santa will be there!!! As a single middle aged woman with grown kids not my idea of a good time at all. Debating if I have to attend.

19. AnonymousOctober 28,2023 at 6:57PM UTC

    LOL! Yes, If I had kids and Santa was there, that is super cute and I would suck it up and go! As someone who NEEDS my sleep on the weekends with no kids .... no thank you! 9AM psh!

20. AnonymousOctober 29,2023 at 6:07PM UTC

    Agree! I don’t mind the office social aspect but 9 am is early! But it is nice that the company is paying for breakfast and it won’t suck of my entire day.

21. HaleyOctober 29,2023 at 1:30PM UTC

    Same advice! Go, have one mimosa, tell the leadership how cute their kids are, and then go see a grownup movie!

22. AnonymousOctober 29,2023 at 6:16PM UTC

    Love your advice. My fear with this event is they are going to stick us at tables all morning and, going alone, I am going to be stuck at a table with some family and feel like a fifth wheel!

23. AnonymousOctober 28,2023 at 6:55PM UTC

    I think it's completely fine to skip out on so long as you don't place judgements on those who do go. Having said that, I've worked in toxic work cultures where parties were not productive, and I've also worked at places that really cared about there employees and wanted to encourage holiday celebrations. For example, one of my companies would do a holiday dinner and then there would be celebratory activities. A few people would go for dinner, make an appearance and then leave. If your work place is solely focused on drinking, suggest more family oriented activities, like dinner. If you are uncomfortable and there is no option to just make an appearance, and also something clearly bothers you about the situation or you wouldn't be posting here, know that you always have the option not to participate or have other plans! Best of luck!

24. AnonymousOctober 28,2023 at 7:00PM UTC

    I see your point, I really do. And sometimes people are very unprofessional or things get out of hand. On the other hand, I've made life long bonds drinking with co-workers that have led me to network and get other jobs. My point is, if it's not your thing that's totally fine, but you shouldn't judge other people who do enjoy this type of activity.

25. Dyana WadeOctober 29,2023 at 1:54AM UTC

    You don't need a reason or an excuse. You don't want to go to the party. Don't go. No need to resign or retire.

26. AnonymousOctober 29,2023 at 1:25PM UTC

    Least common denominator leadership strategy. Horrible example for your subordinates.

27. AnonymousOctober 29,2023 at 2:48AM UTC

    I would say since you are in a leadership roll, go be seen and leave early. There is no reason to stay for the whole time, especially if you have a young family (you don't say) or any family really could be an excuse, I guess. Say warm words if you can so it will be memorable and people won't notice or care that you ducked out.

28. HaleyOctober 29,2023 at 1:29PM UTC

    +1 this. Go, have one club soda with lime, make sure you say happy holidays to the right people, and then go home.

29. AnonymousOctober 29,2023 at 1:53PM UTC

    You aren’t under any express obligation to attend ‘fundatory’ events, but you should also be aware that decision could have consequences.

    Some members of leadership may question your engagement, and some employees at the individual contributor level may feel snubbed.

    Some advice from a leader with diagnosed but undisclosed social anxiety (my workplace is pretty dysfunctional so I know how poorly disclosure would go):
    1) Come 30-60 minutes after the start time so the party is in a groove but no one is too wasted.
    2) Make the rounds, taking care to have 1:1 interactions across departments and levels.
    3) Stay for minimum half an hour, max an hour and slip out.
    4) If anyone gives you a hard time about leaving, take advantage of the fact that this is a festive time of year and say “sorry, this my first stop of the night!” while smiling and waving as you exit.

    Good luck!

30. Lisa McCartneyOctober 29,2023 at 9:36PM UTC

    2nd stop -- home!

31. Drea RahmingOctober 29,2023 at 6:36PM UTC

    My husband is in the same position but we have a rule he attends for 35-45 mins tops he mingles with everyone top executives and then leaves it can't be said he didn't attend

32. MPOctober 29,2023 at 7:04PM UTC

    I would not go for more than one hour and just have my soda and food and leave, maybe talk to whoever is important for you to see: your direct employees, your boss etc. That's it, though. I have been to some of these that were during the work day and they were "voluntary" but it was the only way to get out of work that afternoon. Still, not so fun since it's with coworkers and you of course don't want to act the same with coworkers as with actual close friends, maybe. I would not go at all if it's off hours or on a weekend, but I work for the govt so I would not be expected to, thankfully! It was bad enough I had to go to a 3-day "training seminar" recently at a shitty hotel and miss time with my family. I hope it won't become annual but suspect it will. Most of the time I don't have to travel or go to parties for work, but I agree with you that all of those things just suck!! I wouldn't hold any of those if I was in management. They want training? Do it at the office or remotely, during work hours. Do not require travel. Do not require appearance at an off-premises restaurant or hall with alcohol. Doesn't anyone consult with their lawyers anymore? All of that is a recipe for disaster.

33. AnonymousOctober 30,2023 at 7:44AM UTC

    I was with you until you added the ableist statement at the end.

    You clearly have no idea how social engagements affect some people.

    There are some great strategies already listed in other comments. Perhaps include a plan for any needed “recovery time” as well.

34. AnonymousOctober 30,2023 at 11:32AM UTC

    In your leadership role, stop by in the beginning of the party, wish your coworkers well, provide taxi and Uber information and go home. Bring it up beforehand, since you're in leadership, and state that it's too bad this event historically turn into a drunk fest, but let's make sure we collect keys and have the phone #'s