Has anyone else noticed the “brutally honest” (but really just plain mean) comments from other women when all we need is advice and support?

49 Comments

1. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 3:58PM UTC

   I get the anonymous post, people are watching. I agree people are rude. I dropped off Next Door for the same reason. No anonymous posting there and then people stalk you if they don't like your reply.

2. Ally MorganMarch 30,2024 at 5:34PM UTC

   Nextdoor is a whackadoodle nightmare.

3. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 3:46AM UTC

   Yes, and these are your neighbors.

4. AnonymousApril 2,2024 at 8:19AM UTC

   Thanks for the insight. I just got an invitation from a friend, but in going onto the Nextdoor site, I think they mined his email contact list and sent the invitation out as if from him. As I investigated, there were so many "NOs" along the way for me that for personal security reasons as well as ID theft possibilities, I deactivated what I had already entered and hopefully, deleted my account. Thanks for verifying (all of you posters on this subject) that my instincts were correct!

5. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 4:35PM UTC

   Yes, I agree.
   I haven't been active in the forums and just recently started reading through the threads. Not only are people mean, they minimize people's suffering, and blame the victim under the pretense of "telling it as it is". Facts are one thing, telling someone to just shut up and put up with it, is entirely different.
   There needs to be enough awareness that people can be different, and if they are on a situation that's causing them not only discomfort, but mental anxiety for a sustained period of time, they need to take action and find a better environment. There no point in telling that person that's the new reality, get used to it. There's always a choice, and taking action is harder than staying in a bad situation (ironically), so these comments telling people to put up with it can be quite damaging.
   If there's a bad fit, that's what needs to be addressed.

6. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 4:50PM UTC

   Some people are brutal and mean.

   But there is a way to be brutal and COMPASSIONATE.

   Often, tough love is needed for success. Most individuals writing on these boards want honest answers.

   No, I'm NOT blaming the victim. I'm simply saying why ask if you don't want change?

7. Jackie Cooper-GaleyMarch 30,2024 at 8:13PM UTC

   I don’t think being honest necessitates being “brutal”.

8. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 8:16PM UTC

   I agree. Compassionately honest with realistic suggestions for change.

9. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 6:05AM UTC

   I agree. I think a lot of times people hide behind “being honest” as a way to just be rude.

10. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 2:02AM UTC

    Sometimes, I have gotten "mean" responses when I ask clarifying questions. Sometimes, it was from the OP, others not. I try to call people out who are mean or unreasonable, and sometimes it happens to me. We all have our good and bad days.

    Another issue is that some topics posted here can be significant triggers for people with similar situations. This can often result in an emotional outburst before the poster rereads and thinks better about hitting the "Post" button. I generally ask myself if I am contributing to a conversation or fueling the fire. I erase and move on if it is the latter.

11. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 1:05PM UTC

    Yup this is what I’ve noticed in those instances, people get triggered by a post react.

12. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 3:44AM UTC

    It's an online community so some people will offer a virtual hug and others will point out what needs to be said to offer a reality check. I seldom see brutal comments. But again some people are devastated easily. You take what appeals to your sense of helpful and move on. To make this about women being mean to women is something I don't agree with.

13. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 11:18AM UTC

    It is true that so many people are mean when really people are offering advice based on their experience and end up getting harsh treatment for helping someone else. This is really such an unjust world.

14. Cindy AllenMarch 31,2024 at 1:11PM UTC

    I learned a wonderful approach from my daughter. When someone comes to you ask, do you want me to just listen, do you want my opinion, or do you want me to outline action items to solve the issue? She taught me because she was tired of me trying to solve everything. I didn’t realize I was doing that as much and I thought it was why people came to me. It changed my whole approach to my kids and at work. However - in a forum like this you get what you get. There is limited dialogue opportunities. Maybe being more clear up front what you are specifically looking for is also a way to get what you need from the discussion.

    Everyone has different thresholds as well. Some like direct and to the point, some like a more refined approach. That’s a style thing. As a former executive with a fortune 50 company, as you move up a ladder the less time you have to focus, so everything is patterned on getting to the point of the matter quickly.

15. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 3:07PM UTC

    "Maybe being more clear up front what you are specifically looking for is also a way to get what you need from the discussion." - exactly!!!!!Your daughter is right, "venting or help?" In this situation, you don't know unless someone tells us

16. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 2:08PM UTC

    Great point! My daughter has taught me the same thing.

17. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 1:21PM UTC

    I see mostly honest critiques based on people's lived experience. I do think it's important to be open to perspectives if you ask for advice publicly. That said, it can be hard to assess a situation from a brief description. I also feel like so many of us are traumatized by how stressful work culture has become, especially around the pandemic and abysmal economy. Occasionally I see misreads or nasty comments like anywhere online.

18. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 4:39PM UTC

    I agree with you. We can all be honest without being brutal. I have made a lit of my comments anonymous for fear of being slammed.

    A recurring issue is the use of the word toxic. Sometimes a workplace and/or managers, colleagues, etc. ARE toxic, and to be told you're exaggerating and are otherwise gaslit is disheartening, to say the least. Yes, some frequent commenters are talent acquisition specialists, recruiters and have their opinions about this, but to make generalizations implying most employees are crybabies, whiners, etc. says to me that they forgot what it's like to be in a really damaging work environment. We all need to walk a mile in another person's shoes.

19. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 5:37PM UTC

    True.

    But sometimes, it's appears toxic. If you have a deadline and management asks a legitimate question- "how's it going?" - so.e would call this toxic when it's not.

    It's hard to know anything more than what's illustrated in post.

20. KennethaApril 1,2024 at 3:49AM UTC

    When people post and rely too heavily on buzz words, e.g. toxic, it is hard to decipher what's REALLY going on. I've counseled a few women at work who were stressed about personal issues, but felt they weren't being supported at work. But work is the place you perform a task, to get a result, to get a paycheck, to support your lifestyle. It isn't group therapy. That may seem "mean," but it's also true. The best companies offer outlets... mental health days, BRGs, access to professional counselors. Which is great. But M-F, 9-5, the expectation is that you'll do what you're paid to do ... And hopefully well.

21. Debbie CreeMarch 31,2024 at 8:20PM UTC

    I do believe in posting my honest opinion, most on here are asking for our opinions. However, there are diplomatic ways of answering and disrespectful ways of answering. I wish people would pause and think about this before responding. This applies to all social media. Online it’s easy to say things you would not say to someone in person.

22. maria roseMarch 31,2024 at 8:36PM UTC

    I am very confused by your post which appears to be made as a reaction to getting as you expressed it —mean comments—so can you explain what you mean by “mean comments . I asked this because certain words in today’s age have new meaning definitions and a misuse of word might make a comment sound mean in today’s age. But you also have to realize that there’s many age groups of women on this site and there’s a lot of women who have experienced most of what has been expressed and given the best advice based on real life experiences. One of the toughest aspects of being someone who is trying to be successful in career is knowing when to stand up for yourself and when to create a path forward., no matter how emotional the situation makes you feel. And sometimes the truth hurts you hearing it. Yes, I have noticed many on FairyGodBoss post anonymously thinking it makes their voice not distinctive but patterns in story presented can be used to figure out if the poster is reposting again the same situation because they are not getting the message they want to hear despite it not being the best solution for their issue and will claim that they are getting “mean comments “ that don’t help them achieve what they want because it is not their ideal solution. What I have found on this platform is that real women are giving real life advice and educating themselves about how to achieve success in real world situations. Admittedly workplace situations are not ideal and there’s lots to fix to make them more ideal situations and we can’t do by without uniting ourselves together to make the changes needed. So I am sorry that you got a few “mean comments “ but you need to re-read the words given you, past the “mean words “ and understand the message given. Good luck with your life

23. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 12:08AM UTC

    I haven’t seen anyone being blatantly mean but there is definitely some passive aggression and just all around unhelpful responses. If you cannot offer a genuinely helpful answer to someone’s question just don’t respond.

24. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 12:22AM UTC

    IMO, "helpful" is a manner of opinion.

    Remember, we ONLY know the information provided to us by the OP and based on others -- with or without viable experience to solve the problem. - we often do not receive the entire story.

25. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 2:11AM UTC

    Not everyone who points out facts , is being mean , or brutal. what gets me online… is being told that FACTS are opinions. or that an erroneous opinion is fact. That’s where intelligent people are able to discern. Seems like it’s not always easy.

    second thing , we are talking about WORK and professional settings and problems. We cannot get too emotional or triggered. Again, I see some people at work who dish it out and gossip and complain, and yet act like they are the only ones allowed. Goes both ways. at work you have to make sure you act in a professional and mature manner and leave personal feelings out of it. That being said there is place for compassion and empathy and support.

26. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 9:46AM UTC

    This isn't therapy and so I think those looking for unwavering sympathy might not always find people rushing to support their narrative.

    We are all just professionals trying to make our way at work and build careers. We've been through a lot and share what we know to be true. I certainly haven't seen "mean" but again, if you're looking for group therapy, there might be better places for that.

27. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 11:50AM UTC

    There's a huge difference between enabling to feed an ego and bringing constructive honest feedback, at times when there's an obvious pov provided.

    Sometimes, actually mostly, IMO, there's such an obvious snapshot and not a full picture provided. We aren't doing you, myself or anyone else on here any good if we can't just be authentic in responses. NOW, in saying that, what you find rude may just be what the poster needed. To be clear there are rude responses, this isn't a lavendar field of beauty all the time. This platform is not for participation trophy conversations, it's being who we say we want to be and viewed as in the workplace. Sometimes, pandering to the 'poor me' isn't going to do anyone good. It's actually hurting someone more, at times, to move forward. So, as I see your point, I respectfully ask yourself and anyone to pause, and understand that we ALL bring our journey's to a response.

28. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 12:37PM UTC

    Honestly, some just seem awfully bitter, some seem like they are sh*t stirrers, some just don't realize how they come across to others. And, too, sometimes a little brute honest is necessary. Coddling doesn't do anyone any good. Kindness does, but sometimes honesty is a kindness. All that said, we can't police the comments. What we can do when someone is being unnecessarily mean is call them out on it. And keep calling them out on it.

29. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 12:52PM UTC

    So there's being brutal and then there's being direct and tactful. I do agree that some posters are neither tactful nor respectful. We should respect each other. and if someone feels that way, there's no need to negate their feelings. It's real to them. If you are impatient with the poster, then just move on. No need to respond dismissively or without respect.

30. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 2:16PM UTC

    Well said

31. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 12:53PM UTC

    Yes I’ve noticed that too which is one of reasons I don’t ask for advice here. However I love to give thoughtful but honest encouragement to other women so I will continue to do so. This is not the place for a warm delivery at all as it’s always a better way to say stuff unfortunately it having the option to be anonymous people will say some pretty brutal things because it’s the internet and there is no consequences. Sometimes people are miserable and project their own frustrations onto others. Take everything here with a grain of salt.

32. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 12:55PM UTC

    Most relevant post on this entire thread!

33. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 12:58PM UTC

    100%. Perpetuating the victim status will do nothing to help posters move forward and learn from these teachable moments.

34. April LineApril 1,2024 at 1:08PM UTC

    I think this happens everywhere. Did ya hear about the new york times cooking facebook group that was just outright mean? So much so that the New York Times decided to delete it?

    I think it's also a lot about the option to post anonymously, which is essential in this space.

    But i think the best way to get rid of these people is to ignore them.

    Hurt people hurt people, so they are likely sad and miserable and feeling out of control in their lives. They are punching down/kicking the cat. This is so much more about them than the advice seeker.

    Not our responsibility, and remember, whenever someone's pointing a finger, there are three pointing back at them.

    Having said, there's a LOT of good advice that happens here. A LOT of folks who are really generous with their time and perspectives.

    Of course meanness is never good or right or excusable. And we also get to choose how much bandwidth to give it.

35. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 1:13PM UTC

    It’s so sad how we can’t just support each other but have to stand on someone’s head in the dirt to make ourselves feel better. This im finding is the general way it’s evolved to in corporate America. No kindness and patience - all rudeness and impatience and insecurities - very sad

36. Deb AllenApril 1,2024 at 1:24PM UTC

    Not the only one who notices, I admit I have responded to a few of those "un-helpful" type of responses. Blaming the original poster for their issue, or sending a negative response is worse than staying out of that conversation. I think it boils down to people who really think others need to hear their opinion, regardless of how negative it is to the receiver.

37. David DixonApril 1,2024 at 1:27PM UTC

    All I can say is, "hurt people, hurt people." My Father-in-law used to say this; "Eat the fish and through away the bones." Which simply means, when listening to people who are jerks, if they have a nugget that is usable, take it and then ignore the rest of the nonsense. We can't afford to get wrapped up in other people's issues or foolishness, when we are on our own path. So, "eat the fish and throw away the bones." Hang in.

38. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 1:38PM UTC

    We aren’t “supposed” to do anything. I honestly am not likely to ask for advice here because there is so much misinformation when people make absolute declarations about what is “legal” as if we are all from the same state or even the same country that I would not be sure I was getting good answers on anything. Plus people often have axes to grind or can’t separate their own feelings from facts, both in asking and answering.

    It’s a good place to have conversations and like any forum is going to have some productive and some unproductive conversations. Take everything with a grain of salt.

39. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 8:08PM UTC

    Amen!!

40. AnonymousApril 3,2024 at 5:57PM UTC

    All of this! This site's default position is: call an attorney, litigate, etc. My boss provided constructive feedback or corrected an error...they're toxic! I thought I was a perfect fit for a job but was never called to interview...ageism, ableism, discrimination. I'm being asked to come into the office...no work life balance. It never ends!

41. Zeecil KimmelApril 1,2024 at 4:08PM UTC

    I find it interesting that people who want to be mean and nasty use the excuse "everyone needs to be an adult".
    What is wrong with providing feedback - even negative feedback - kindly? You can say anything to anyone in a gentle manner - with respect and consideration. Even if a poster's grammar is incorrect and even if they are whining and even if they are dead wrong. I have had many communication mentors over my career and learned about meta-skills. There are so many ways to phrase something in a way that no one has to get hurt. You can be curious, you can be interested, but you should never be judgemental and mean.

42. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 5:08PM UTC

    There is a lot of mean BS here and it is definitely sad to see. Giving constructive feedback is warranted for sure but please ladies be kind! That is why this site is for women as a safe place for conversation. If you don't have anything nice to say keep your mouth shut!

43. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 8:08PM UTC

    Agreed. Unfortunately, no matter how kind you are, if some disagree with the feedback, it can be construed as hateful, Unfortunately

44. AnonymousApril 2,2024 at 6:03AM UTC

    Often in the name of "honesty", people lose their manners. You can give constructive feedback while being respectful. Rather than cutting the OP or responder down for their shortcomings, you can suggest some alternative approaches that may work better - along the lines of "How's that working for you? How about trying this?"

    Instead of pointing out the problems, which are often obvious, putting forth some creative solutions is much more uplifting and tends to bring an encouraging, rather than discouraging, tone. I just responded to a posting that "pushed my buttons" due to some past experiences, but decided to ask myself what lessons I learned from my prior situation and what I could convey that would help in correcting the current situation. The suggestions may or may not be viable, but if the original poster or responder was sincere, may encourage them to arrive at a solution. Unfortunately, for most of us, myself included at age 73, EQ is learned through experience. Hopefully, we all gain in EQ as well when we consider and evaluate responses to some of the issues on this website.

45. Crawford EvansApril 2,2024 at 7:17AM UTC

    What kind of comments? I often say what I think, but hopefully I was not foolish enough to be brutally honest... that is the same as tactless.

46. AnonymousApril 2,2024 at 10:33AM UTC

    IMO, people ask for assistance.

    If its NOT what they want to hear, suddenly its "toxic" and "from a bully".

    Yes, some people can be cold, however those is an online forum from strangers where the OP tells ONLY what they want and responses are from what we experienced based on often limited information.

    I often read "I need a job in ____ field" That's it. I don't know them, thier experience, their efforts, location, etc.

    What else am I supposed to say? "Here, I'll drop everything for you?" We are grown women. I get asking for advice, but when people take the time to help or whatever-- and then I'm being cold when I suggest a local recruiter?

    I'm not a cold, hateful person but also this forum is an advice one. Wasn't Ann Landers similar?

47. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdApril 2,2024 at 1:21PM UTC

    Hello!

    FBG is meant to be a place where women uplift and support one another. And overall, it is.

    However, I'm not invalidating what you've written, as I've been the victim of such types of comments myself.

    There's a way to be honest and respectful. Unfortunately, with anonymity, some people chose to be unkind and harsh. You can always flag comments that you feel are especially cruel or unkind.

    However, you do have to be careful. What you might find offensive, someone else may be ok with. Additionally, the meaning you take from a written post can be vastly different than what the poster intended.

48. AnonymousApril 2,2024 at 3:26PM UTC

    I want a down thumb button

49. AnonymousApril 2,2024 at 4:55PM UTC

    I completely disagree. I have worked with many kind CEO's who didn't need to harm others to get ahead.