Independent contractor here - every year the firm for which I subcontract has an "Annual Planning meeting" at the owner's luxury apartment ( we have an office but this gets us away from the client work).

Anonymous

October 20,2022 at 1:54PM UTC

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Independent contractor here - every year the firm for which I subcontract has an "Annual Planning meeting" at the owner's luxury apartment ( we have an office but this gets us away from the client work). The meeting is facilitated by one man - who gets paid a monthly stipend - isnt in the trenches! After the meeting, he "orders in" an early dinner from a well established restaurant. He sent an email asking who wants to be included in the dinner (at the luxury apartment) (5:30 EST). After dinner, there is the usual continual drinking, he tells the same stories every year that we are supposed to laugh at for which I do not want to participate in. My question... After the early dinner, I want to head home ( I have a 1 1/2 hour commute) .Looking for your words of wisdom on what I should say when I leave as I know the rest of the team (we are only 6 ) will remain - PS I am the key contractor who brings in a ton of revenue and I know my value. so I dont have to impress anyone! Thank you!

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Kathryn MontbriandOctober 20,2022 at 2:04PM UTC
Could you possibly schedule some other obligation that requires you to leave that evening? Thinking....picking someone up from the airport, a ride home from the hospital after surgery, some emergency maintenance on your home (get creative if you need to).
Then share the update (not ask permission) at the beginning of the session. "by the way, I will have to step out at 7pm due to....". Then when it's time to go, thank them for a great session and dinner and wish them an evening of continued revelry as you step out the door.
It might be a natural breaking point to leave before the dinner - you know the situation best. If that would be less uncomfortable, 'schedule' your obligation to coincide with the dinner and step out even earlier. The thought I have here is that once people start drinking it might lead to more questions / cajoling to stay.
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 1:56PM UTC
I definitely will schedule another obligation... thank you!
Kathryn MontbriandOctober 22,2022 at 2:39PM UTC
Good luck! :)
AnonymousOctober 20,2022 at 2:58PM UTC
No reason not to be honest and let everyone know you have a very long commute and obligations at home.
If it isn't a work night why can't you sacrifice a single night in honor of your colleagues?
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 1:55PM UTC
I will be honest and Thank you! .....It is a work nite.... I dont want to subject myself to this nonsensical storytelling and drinking!
AnonymousOctober 20,2022 at 3:02PM UTC
That sounds SUPER creepy. I recall a business get together at a high-end bar, where the male vp told stories about wanting to join the mile-high club and other cringeworthy, inappropriate tales to his all female team. Anyway, absolutely bow out, under cover of another pressing engagement, and don’t give it another thought.
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 1:54PM UTC
Thank you for your suggestion!
AnonymousOctober 20,2022 at 3:03PM UTC
You don’t owe anyone an explanation and shouldn’t feel obligated to stay after dinner. Engage with the team during the meeting and dinner, then firmly and politely excuse yourself after dinner—thanking your host for a lovely afternoon/dinner. I bet some will envy you—some might even follow your lead.
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 1:53PM UTC
I agree with you... thank you! They probably wont follow my lead.... "sheep" ya know---lol!
Barb HansenOctober 20,2022 at 4:12PM UTC
Based on your comment in the OP "... I don't have to impress anyone!" (and good for you for knowing and standing up on the value you bring to the company), here is what I would do in a similar situation:
"Thank you for a wonderful meal and a great event. I've got an early day tomorrow, so I'm going to head out now."
or
"Thank you for a wonderful meal and a great event. I've got a long drive home, so I'm going to leave now."
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 1:52PM UTC
Love your words... thank you!
Maggie StoneOctober 22,2022 at 2:36PM UTC
Completely agree that you can gracefully bow out when you have to leave.
Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterOctober 20,2022 at 4:23PM UTC
I want to offer that your exodus might just give the other "hostages" permission to exit, as well...if not this year, then in the future. Maybe everyone wants to get away from this forced merriment.
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 1:52PM UTC
Agree, I will not be held "hostage" and am not afraid.
Nicole DupuisOctober 20,2022 at 4:37PM UTC
Oh boy have I been there! I think you got to stick to what works best for you. If you need to leave, maybe giving everyone the heads up even before this meeting day that you have a hard stop at whatever works so there are no surprises. I would also think about seeing as the team is so small and you are a key contractor, can you speak up on changing up the format. Do you always have to meet at the same location? Same format? Can different people add to the agenda? Can the cocktail hour have more team building elements? Can others be encouraged to share? It sounds like you could use your success as leverage to get more value out of these interactions.
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 1:51PM UTC
Thank you for your suggestions!
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 1:23PM UTC
I agree with the general chatter here. Be up front. You may even want to confirm that all relevant business will be conducted before X time because you have another engagement early in the morning and need to head out in a timely manner.
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 1:50PM UTC
Thank you for your input!
AnonymousOctober 21,2022 at 7:27PM UTC
Make up excuses not to go to begin with. Or ask if they can be open to offering a virtual party session where if there are games played or fun mstters discussed for team building, it is done virtually for those who might have a similar circumstance. I think living 90 min away is an excuse enough. But last minute emergencies or sudden last minute illness , food poisoning, no one is going to look into that.
JYJOctober 21,2022 at 10:54PM UTC
Have another last minute obligation and feign how you are so disappointed you won't be able to make it. Then, don't think twice about it and go enjoy your life!
AnonymousOctober 22,2022 at 11:41AM UTC
Thanks for your words!
AnonymousOctober 22,2022 at 5:00AM UTC
It’s up to you. I have a dinner meeting coming up too. I would like to get out of it but decided I will stick it out for the 2 hours to be a team player.
Erica MitchellOctober 22,2022 at 12:16PM UTC
I would explain that you have a long drive ahead of you and apologize for having to leave early. I think it's best to be honest.
AnonymousOctober 22,2022 at 9:40PM UTC
good advice! thank you
Michele SinclairOctober 22,2022 at 12:28PM UTC
Let them know before you go that you will need to leave after dinner. Set the tone for what you want to achieve here, or don't go.
AnonymousOctober 22,2022 at 9:41PM UTC
Good advice! thank you!
Kimberly McKenzie-KlemmOctober 22,2022 at 12:31PM UTC
I am an independent contractor as well and I subcontracted for my first five years. Just be honest without apologies. Something like "I love working with everyone and I am glad we get together every year. I am looking forward to our next year together, but I have to get started home."
AnonymousOctober 22,2022 at 9:41PM UTC
Love your suggestion.!
Paula BrantnerOctober 22,2022 at 1:31PM UTC
I am a contractor who has been there, so I understand what you're going through. I will assume you're not being paid hourly so staying or going doesn't matter. Or if you are being paid hourly, having to do the late commute isn't worth it.
I would just be up front, as others have recommended. Maybe you want to alert your team in advance so that if they don't want to stay either, they have an out. Maybe next year you could change the format so that there is not a dinner afterwards.
AnonymousOctober 22,2022 at 9:43PM UTC
Appreciate your good suggestions!!
AnonymousOctober 22,2022 at 9:42PM UTC
Good advice! Thank you!
G C HesseOctober 23,2022 at 1:19AM UTC
I'm a contractor and I do not attend this of social function. I discovered that socializing after work does not end well.
You have the perfect out....Don't be included on the dinner list.
Joanna PoeOctober 23,2022 at 3:39AM UTC
Be honest and say, "y'all have fun; it's 90 minutes to get home for me." These things are what they are, and you don't necessarily even have to go, but if you do, you don't have to gladhand people.
AnonymousOctober 23,2022 at 3:55PM UTC
Do they have a bathroom window? How big is it?
Rosa GoesOctober 23,2022 at 5:47PM UTC
I would let them know days before the dinner that you'll be leaving due to the commute time. That way on the day of it won't be awkward.
AnonymousOctober 23,2022 at 6:04PM UTC
Good suggestion.