You know it's interesting.

27 Comments

1. AnonymousNovember 1,2021 at 9:10PM UTC

   Loyalty is more a test of your character and judgment. Fear of leaving is more a personal challenge to move out of your comfort zone. It freezes you into standing still.even when it serves no one.

2. Lorna Rose, J.D., M.S.November 1,2021 at 9:56PM UTC

   100% have felt this before and have allowed it to cause me anguish for far longer than was necessary. I honestly believe that a big component of that loyalty feeling comes from the heavily-promoted illusion of meritocracy, this notion that we only reap what we sow therefore any problems we face as professionals are our fault to begin with and/or our responsibility to resolve, and that running away from the problem(s) is a sign of weakness and lack of responsibility.

   I handled quite poorly early on in my career, strongly believing that if I could just stick it out a little while longer then I would overcome the negative situation. Each experience not only taught me a new perspective in how to handle these situations, but they also reinforced what I'd already learned which made it easier for me to make tough decisions with confidence and peace of mind.

   The #1 piece of advice that I can give, to you or to myself or to anybody in a similar situation, is to remember that the company is *ALWAYS* going to do what is best for it, so you should *ALWAYS* do what is best for you. I hope your interview went well!

3. AnonymousNovember 1,2021 at 10:07PM UTC

   I understand how you feel. However, you must do what is best for you. Please know that at your organization, everyone is expendable. If something happened to you today, they wouldn’t hesitate to get someone in your position the very next day.

4. Barb HansenNovember 1,2021 at 10:31PM UTC

   I used to feel loyal to my employer then I realized there is no reason to be loyal to a company that's not a good fit for you.

   Your current company is not loyal to you. Your individual manager might be loyal but a company, by it's nature, it not loyal. Your company will downsize you in a heartbeat if it needed to save money and your current manager and remaining colleagues will feel bad for a day or two that you are no longer working there, and then they'll go back to work.

   Your career is yours! If you can find a job that is a better fit then do just that.

5. AnonymousNovember 1,2021 at 10:43PM UTC

   The company isn't loyal to you. If you find something else, go.

6. AnonymousNovember 1,2021 at 11:39PM UTC

   Thank you ladies. I have to remember that we are very much extendable and that I need to focus on what's best for me. The interview went well and about 3 minutes before it started, I received a call about another job I applied for.

7. Jennifer SlomaNovember 2,2021 at 12:53PM UTC

   We are living parallel lives but I'm a bit farther along. I was in the same situation. I even turned down an offer out of loyalty. Finally, I decided on a set of requirements a new position must have for me to leave. It made me more comfortable interviewing and I felt less traitorous. Lo and behold, that position did come along and I start next week. I hope this helps. Don't ever lose that precious loyalty that is ingrained in you. I know how hard this situation can be but...you really do deserve a job that's right for you. Good luck and keep us posted!

8. AnonymousNovember 2,2021 at 1:13PM UTC

   I regret staying ever day. 7 years, older and now I can't find anything in the salary range. I have hired the same positions year after year; turnover is very high. I get yelled at and the boss flips on a dime. Everything has to be in writing or they accuse you that they didn't say that. Last VP that quite asked me how I have lasted this long. I don't know but I want out.

9. AnonymousNovember 2,2021 at 3:20PM UTC

   Don't give up. I am older as well and while it took some time, I was able to shift. Your environment sounds quite toxic and you need to get out.

10. ChelseaNovember 2,2021 at 7:30PM UTC

    What a great invitation to explore what it means to be loyal and what it means to grow out of things.
    A few questions that might help you navigate this:

    What am I afraid of? (disappointing someone, not having other opportunities workout, disrupting the patterns I know)

    What does loyalty mean to me and is this a healthy understanding of the word?

11. Heather CutlerNovember 2,2021 at 10:57PM UTC

    Some of the best professional advice I ever received was: you can love your job but your job doesn't love you back! Suffering is a choice and I'd strongly encourage you to visit with a counselor to understand why this job brings you no fulfillment, you can't stand your boss, and the place isn't a cultural fit....yet you still stay there and expose yourself to this kind of dysfunction. Your loyalty clearly isn't being reciprocated so please embrace this opportunity to sort through this four years of self-flogging. Best of luck to you in your next steps.

12. KelleyNovember 3,2021 at 12:13PM UTC

    I had this feeling when I was in a toxic work place similar to what you’re describing. I knew I couldn’t do it anymore but also felt I couldn’t leave. I made close friends who were the only reason I was able to get through each day. Eventually I reminded myself that I had to be first and I had to find a better/healthier work situation. I found that and just made sure to stay in touch with the close friends I made. We still got together outside of work. It also turned out that the whole team of us who were friends started dropping like flies and going to other jobs.

13. AnonymousNovember 3,2021 at 12:40PM UTC

    Change is hard and the unknown is scary but if you're in a toxic work environment, it's worse than what opportunity you may find! I would continue looking for new roles and you may be surprised with what you find and the people you speak with (you can tell a lot about the manager and work environment when you ask the right questions).

14. AnonymousNovember 3,2021 at 1:11PM UTC

    I feel very similar and have had the same concerns over the last three and a half years I have been in my position. Unfortunately, I had to put a hold on my job search due to Medical issues with a family member, but once I start searching again, I am not only concerned about my fit at my next position, but my level of loyalty. Now that I have this time, I am really rethinking where my loyalties are and who I should be cutting loose.

15. Madam anon663November 3,2021 at 1:16PM UTC

    Do you think your company is loyal to you? I would be shocked to hear of a single place that is loyal to employees. My loyalty is to me, and my family. Never a company.

16. AnonymousNovember 3,2021 at 1:21PM UTC

    You don't owe the company or your boss anything. This is just a job. They're paying you to show up and do some specific work, and they would have no qualms about laying you off if they needed to so you shouldn't have qualms about looking for a position you actually enjoy. It sounds like it's time to move on and grow your career in the direction you want at a place that's a good culture fit as well. Good luck on your interview!

17. Bobbie LloydNovember 3,2021 at 1:30PM UTC

    Hi Anonymous,

    Give your self permission to pursue other opportunities because your employer is constantly seeking new opportunties and resources. Best of luck with your interview and future.

18. Robin WoodNovember 3,2021 at 1:45PM UTC

    I feel your struggle and have been there myself. My thoughts - when you go home at night and are laying in bed, what's under your roof is what you need to consider, everything else comes after.

19. AnonymousNovember 3,2021 at 1:50PM UTC

    Hi. I can definitely relate. I was with a company just shy of 4 years and I also had a hard time connecting, which was so odd because in my prior 2 positions, I connected and was respected in my field. That last one was just HARD. But I stayed with it, knowing it was not going to get any better.

    I am also loyal until I have had enough. I think part of it is my astrological sign (Cancers are loyal people) and I sometimes stay longer than I should.

    However when I made the decision to start looking for another position, I asked myself why? Why am I looking now, which I knew was going to be a question during the interview but also something I needed to know for myself. And for myself, I realized that I stayed with that company, in that position because it worked for me while I did other things and that is what I needed it for. It was remote so I visited out of state family and friends with laptop in tow; I had home renovations done; I made the phone calls and attended the appointments/meetings I needed to make without any office issues. I didn't stay because I was so loyal to the company (yes, I got my work done), I stayed because I was loyal to me. I knew the job, nothing was going to happen that was surprising which allowed me to handle other things.

    During those years I was at the company, I interviewed with other companies but because of what I had encountered with that company, I asked very targeted questions and if it did not feel right, I removed myself from consideration. It did not make sense to go to a new job, into the office for something that didn't feel right during the interview stage, when I was already working in a job I did not like comfortably from home and taking care of things I wanted and needed to do.

    So I say, don't look at it as a negative. Take from it what you can - maybe you learned some great skills or worked remotely like I did or made some lifelong friends, whatever it is go with it. I will say that after those 4 years and knowing how you feel, make sure you ask ALL the questions you need to for the next position. Ask the right questions and if they are offended, then you know that is not where you need to be.

    Best of luck.

20. AnonymousNovember 3,2021 at 3:39PM UTC

    Thank you again for all of the input and advice. It is so appreciated. I hear what is being said. The interview went well, but I haven't heard back from them yet. I am not afraid of leaving and I do know this isn't a fit for me. I can't wait to find the next thing....

    There are certain questions I ask in the interview to avoid moving into another toxic environment. I made the mistake of staying at my previous job 15+ years and knew going into this one I wouldn't make that mistake again. Of course, I was hoping this would be my last jump, but I am okay that it isn't.

    Thank you ladies again for your support!!

    Taking all of the advice given here - going to focus on my goal of finding another job.

21. froerden@yahoo.comNovember 3,2021 at 2:18PM UTC

    I can relate, as I had a similar situation. I only really connected with one boss in 10 years there. Loved the job and the people. I’m still friends with several people who worked under /reported to me. I also get instantly loyal to a fault. Therefore I don’t have any great ideas for you except to say that you know where you stand and how you really feel about your current situation. That’s a big plus because most people in this situation don’t and never figure it out until they get fired or quit in disgust. You’re already further along than you think. You’ll go fine. Good luck on the interview.

22. Kimberly LynNovember 3,2021 at 3:14PM UTC

    If the culture is something you can't get around, no matter what, then you owe it to yourself to find a place you feel a better fit. However, I'd also like to say that you have to think of yourself as a private corporation of one person. Take a long assessment at the value your employment brings to your personal corporate bottom line. Things like pay, benefits, retirement plans, matching plans, days off, flexibility, growth opportunities. Assess how each of those topics profits your bottom line before deciding if culture is the most important aspect of your job. (not saying it's not important..but rather weigh the importance against your personal bottom line profit or loss statement)

23. Karen GongawareNovember 3,2021 at 4:56PM UTC

    Honestly why would you want to know how we handle things when you just stated that your feelings won't change nor will your actions. Until you are ready to change and take care of you, nothing will change. You have been there 4 years so when will you leave? Another 4? Think about your life , make good choices, and evoke change for yourself.

24. Rachelle DeMunckNovember 3,2021 at 11:04PM UTC

    I was very similar to you.
    I was with FedEx Customer Service for 16 years, until there was a reorganization and my position was moved out of state Everyone in my department was forced into a new position and I absolutely detested the new position.
    I realized that while I had been loyal to the company, the company had not been loyal to me. Once I made that realization, my own loyalty dissolved.

25. laNovember 8,2021 at 6:17PM UTC

    Ask yourself if you are being loyal to a company or being loyal to a path that is more secure. This current position and boss are difficult for you, the culture isn't a fit, and you are not able to get your footing.

    What exactly are you giving your loyalty to? Do you believe in the company mission that much? Or are you simply committed to the need to prove that you can be successful there? Or is it the benefits package that maintains your loyalty?

    Or it could be that you are using the positive trait of loyalty to mask a fear of moving into the unknown. Maybe you hate your job but better the devil you know than the one you don't know! Are you truly loyal or is it a phrase that martyrs you and allows you to avoid the risk of the new job?

    This may or may not apply to you: many people who claim loyalty actually either have poor boundaries or using "loyalty" as a way to frame your own victimhood (this has been taught to so many women!) or are simply afraid of rocking the boat. Here is a good article on being able to recognize the difference: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/loyalty-fearwhich-do-you-recognize-ameena-ali-phd-/

    Someone else made a comment about realizing they had been loyal to the company but the company had not been loyal to them.

26. Liz MilneNovember 12,2021 at 4:07PM UTC

    Oh boy, I feel you with the loyalty... I get very attached, way too quickly and then end up feeling like a fool when I realise just how one-sided my loyalty is... It really hurts when you're sneered at for it, by those who have benefitted from it too... I work for myself now! (Although, I'm still overly loyal and accept work from previous clients who are slow to pay because they are existing clients!)

27. AnonymousNovember 16,2021 at 12:32PM UTC

    The fact that you are posting here means it’s time to go. There is no benefit to you or the company if you stay and are miserable. No one does their best work miserable. That job is a perfect fit for someone so let that person have a chance while you find a job that is your perfect fit (or close enough fit).

    I have felt that (false) sense of loyalty too. Usually it was in jobs that were toxic but I felt obligated to stay. It’s really unhealthy thinking. But, once I left, that sense of loyalty and obligation went away pretty quick. Once I was out of that pattern of thinking, I realized how ridiculous it was. Sometimes you just have to cut the cord and be free.