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Is this gaslighting?

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Is this gaslighting?

I hear people talk about gaslighting, but I don’t think I really understood it until now.

I work in consulting. I have 10+ years of experience. I’m highly requested for projects. I won an award.

An issue happened on a project. The client blamed me. Meanwhile, that same issue happens on projects that don’t even involve me.

meanwhile, I’ve been engaged with my boss about taking a leadership course. For almost a year now. I mention a leadership course. Instead, he tells me to take a course that is… an entry level course for the skills that I have been doing for years as this company and for 10+ prior to coming to this job.

Why would he send me a course that I have already won an award for? Is that gaslighting?

is he pushing me out?

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  1. Maegan, Nike Sales Rep & Career Coach

    I would ask him how he thinks the course will help you develop & get better (he may know something about the teacher/course you don't know!) and explain how you think the other course aligns with your goals stronger. He may just not have thought it through clearly. Either way, you're getting the answer!

  2. Barb Hansen

    Meagen's comment is spot-on. Do this!

  3. Rene Letendre

    It sounds like quite a few assumptions are being made (on both sides of the story). There is always room for professional growth and development--even for award-winning employees; if this course costs money, focus on the course content and find out what, exactly, your boss is hoping to develop in you. If you feel the course focuses on skills you have no room for improvement on, then let him know that his investment in your growth might yield a greater return with course XYZ, which improves your contribution to xyz.

    Maybe you are being gaslighted (it's really unpleasant, I know from personal experience). If you are, I believe the best way to defend yourself is to find out what your superiors want you to focus on, and then focus on THAT. They have a vision and strategy for their business, find out how you can fit into and enhance that strategy. If a colleague is trying to discredit you, then slowly but surely secure your credibility with people who are decision-makers. Find an ally who will ADVOCATE for you--not a mentor, an advocate who will talk about how great you are and your valuable contributions in front of others; someone who is respected.

    I hope you are able to navigate this challenge in a way that lets your strengths and value shine.

  4. Emily Wood

    Maybe your supervisor has taken the course and really likes it? As a person who writes a lot of employee training, I'd see if the program/person who made the course will share the objectives with you. Take those to your supervisor and have a discussion about which areas he thinks require your attention and what the ROI is of your time in that course. If you think that your skills are above the level of the course materials, then you can have that discussion with him about "I'm already above the 'knowledge' level on topic x, if you see my skill here as an 'application' gap, then let's find a course that better fits that need". (Referencing Bloom's Taxonomy here: https://cft.vanderbilt.edu/guides-sub-pages/blooms-taxonomy/)
    I'd do the same thing with the leadership course. Bring him the objectives and talk about why you see that course specifically having value for you and what you'll do to apply it in your work.

  5. Anonymous

    He does not consider you a leader. Also, did you win the award from your current company? If not, your boss does not recognize your expertise and the award means nothing to him.

    Bottom line he does not recognize your skill as a leader and is suggesting your start learning the basics.

    I'm not exactly sure you would call this gaslighting. But he does have is doubts about your skills.

  6. Salimah Ismail

    I wouldn't define this as gaslighting but it's certainly unsettling behavior. In these types of situations, I find it helpful to seek clarity - perhaps asking your boss for specific feedback on skills he thinks this class will help you improve. At that point, it may even become clear that he doesn't actually know what the course he recommended to you was about.

  7. Anonymous

    Your boss wants to see an improvement in your performance. Take him up on the offer of continuing education. It's a win win.

    I don't think he recognizes 10+years od experience and your award.

  8. Anonymous

    Not gaslighting, but a bit odd. Perhaps there needs to be documentation of the skillset before the leadership course would be acceptable to the higher-ups. Obvious question: have you asked why he's recommended it?

  9. Anonymous

    Your boss just does not know how to develop you. Find a course that you want to take and send your boss the course, what you hope to gain, benefits to company, and cost.

  10. Krista Pasfield

    Sounds like you may be talking past each other. Have a conversation, and ask him to highlight why he thinks this course is a good fit, and really listen to what he says. If you disagree, feel free to professionally articulate why. He may not be fully versed in/aware of what you do (which may be a separate issue altogether). He may think you're not doing a great job, even though you have a lot of experience. Whatever the reason, best to get the conversation out in the open. You can also use the conversation as an opportunity to ask why he rejected your course suggestion, and use his feedback to shape your next steps.

  11. Anonymous

    Ingrid Bergman 1944 movie Gaslight. It is really really good.

  12. Anonymous

    Yup, a hidden agenda is NOT new. Good call out!

  13. Renee Radcliff Sinclair

    Have you asked him why he is suggesting a course that is below your skill level? Maybe he needs to be reminded, skillfully, of what you have already accomplished in your career. The best strategy, always, is to ask questions, respectfully, and then shut up and listen.

  14. Lori Caso

    Sounds like you need a good sit down, frank conversation.

  15. Anonymous

    Many decisions are NOT personal—just business. I would stay quiet (tell nobody), dust my feel off, and look for your next adventure. This time, you know the accuser. Most times, you will not. Cultural changes or pandemics will lead to downsizing and layoffs.

  16. Jesica Sartell

    Per medicalnewstoday.com:

    "Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. People experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves.

    The term gaslighting derives from the 1938 play and 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she has a mental illness by dimming their gas-fueled lights and telling her she is hallucinating."

    This is not to be confused with ghosting, bait and switch, blatant abuse, and unreasonable demands.

  17. Anonymous

    It might be gaslighting, it might not be. Have you had a conversation with your boss about your career goals? Have you been direct and honest about where you want your career to go? What you want next? Have you asked for stretch assignments? Have you described how the leadership course will help you help the company? If you've done all these things, then yes, it's probably gaslighting. But if not, then you've got some work to do before putting the onus on the boss. Though I will say, sounds like he could be a lot more proactive in initiating these conversations with you. But we don't all get good bosses so we have to advocate for ourselves.

  18. Anonymous

    I don't think it's gaslighting but it certainly is condescending. I once enrolled for a class which my boss approved and his boss cancelled on my behalf telling me it was over my head and recommending it's pre-requisite that I had already taken. I don't know if he's pushing you out but clearly doesn't respect/acknowledge your skill set.

  19. Linda kenik

    Pay for the leadership course yourself. Sometimes you just have to invest in yourself

  20. Intrapsych

    Take and Crush the course like nobody's business. Also, Continue to grow in areas you feel are important. And remember, you are a highly sought after consultant who has won an award with plenty of valuable experience. Now get your mind in the right direction and be at peace with yourself.

  21. Lisa Marie

    Happy Today's Day :

    According to an article that was medically reviewed by Sara Rosen, LMSW, MEd (link to the article is below), gaslighting is "to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity."

    In this relationship, are you questioning your "overall ability to think in a reasonable and rational manner" (which is what sanity is), or are you just asking "why does he want me to take THAT basic course?"

    Also, I'm hopeful you have had a candid conversation with your boss about the issue on the project, and the fact that an overall solution needs to be found so it doesn't keep happening on other projects.

    Perhaps by leading a "fix it team" is how you prove heightened leadership abilities. Perhaps you could offer to spearhead a team (just you and 2 others, maybe?) to find a solution to eliminate the recurrence of that known issue on all projects?

    https://www.insider.com/gaslighting-examples

  22. Anonymous

    WOWWWWW. Yes. My boss has lead my to question my sanity! This is so impactful!

  23. Nayeli Miranda

    He is diminishing you. Gaslighting involves someone denying your reality of making you believe that the reality is not what you think it is. It's meant to make you feel crazy and doubt your own sense of reality.
    If your boss is being toxic, you might want to talk to HR about it or get another job because in the long run this is going to stress you and hurt your heart.

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