How to approach HR

28 Comments

1. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMay 10,2023 at 12:17AM UTC

   My first thought is why are you still working for this abusive creep?

2. Lisa EngerMay 10,2023 at 12:53AM UTC

   My first thought is why haven’t you hired an Employment Law Attorney? If you can show documentation or witness statements of this ongoing behavior- file for harassment and hostile work environment-

   don’t walk, run.

3. AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 1:02AM UTC

   No, you don't have to give him the details of a medical appointment, and just because he can be in and out of an appointment in 30 minutes doesn't mean every situation warrants that especially if it is a specialist.

   You should have a harassment case. Discuss this with an employment attorney specializing in employee cases and ask about an EEO complaint. Then polish off your resume and find another job where people will respect your privacy because if others have complained, it is probable that the power structure is protecting him.

4. AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 2:03AM UTC

   What is wrong with this picture, it's abuse of power and your lack of boundaries. Decide where you are going to draw the line.

   What you are in is an abusive relationship. I'm not sure HR is going to do much more than a slap on the wrist. It's up to you to develop the healthy self esteem to draw some boundaries and not allow this guy to walk on you. If your company has an EAP take a look at the therapy benefits.

5. AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 4:43AM UTC

   If there have been formal complaints and nothing has been done, that is an indicator that HR is not the best route. Yes, there are HR people in this community yet let's be honest and acknowledge that HR protects the company - not you, the employee. This sounds as though it is for an Employment Law Attorney and if you go on Attorney Ryan on IG, he had a case where a woman was being discriminated against with rude comments, etc. I am not sure where you are located but his office is licensed for CA, AZ, and two or three other states west coast.

6. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 3:12PM UTC

   Just my on two cents here. I am really growing to hate this statement: "HR protects the company - not you, the employee".

   The company. The manager is an employee. The manager is not the company. HR is to do what is in the best interest of the company. That does not mean protect the manager. That means, if the manager is seriously effing up, in order to protect the company, HR needs to take appropriate action against the manager. If managers are getting away with this crap, put the company on blast via Glassdoor, Indeed, whatever other options are out there. If you are go to HR and hey don't take this seriously and take a do nothing attitude, they aren't truly functioning as HR.

7. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 3:30PM UTC

   Although I understand (and wholeheartedly agree with) your perspective, I will say ideally that **should** be the role of HR. However, time and time and time again, what we have seen/experienced has definitely not been the case hence the prevalent opinion about HR. Companies have been put on blast on both Idealist and Glassdoor yet nothing happens until legal papers are served.

8. AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 1:06AM UTC

   With all due respect, in my 35-year career spanning 8 organizations and different industries, I’ve rarely seen an HR function that was competent handling employee complaints and management abuses. I’m sure there are exceptions but most people I talk to don’t trust HR. Perhaps the processes and structures need to be reimagined because it didn’t seem to be working well.

9. LynnMay 10,2023 at 12:51PM UTC

   If your boss has been around for awhile, HR and the company likely knows about your bosses behavior and has chosen to do nothing. Is there an opportunity to transfer jobs? You need to find a new one with a normal, non-abusive boss. You deserve so much better.

10. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 4:44PM UTC

    I learned the hard way in my previous position that abusive management was a feature, not a bug.

11. Abby ZieglerMay 11,2023 at 12:22PM UTC

    HR is not on your side and primarily exists to protect the company, which your boss represents. While I don’t necessarily discourage going to HR about the issues, I would encourage you to document everything with dates and times, and follow-up any verbal interactions with an email recapping what was said. Do this for both your interactions with your boss and with HR. And quite honestly, if your boss has been around for longer than you, this can’t be the first they’re hearing of the behavior and they’ve chosen to ignore it. I would start looking for a different position to have a backup plan.

12. Mary PoolMay 11,2023 at 3:05PM UTC

    A couple of things. Just because people say they have reported him to HR doesn’t mean they have! People often say this in the hopes that someone else will do it. One way to deal with a bully at work (whether a co-worker or a manager) is to immediately email the conversation details and explain why you are unhappy with the interaction. Send a copy to his manager and to HR. You send it to HR and his manager so they cannot say they were unaware. You email him to document, document, document. No one, not a manager or attorney, can help you without documentation, and I mean more than a timeline. Emails stop the “he said, she said.” Boundaries, create them, live by them, love them! Also, be prepared to live with the consequences of them. He may not react well, but that is better than going on like you are.

    An example email would be:

    Today at 10:45 am, you insisted on knowing why I had a doctor’s appointment even though I told you that discussing my health with you made me uncomfortable. The reasons for doctor’s appointments are personal. It was inappropriate for you to insist I reveal to you confidential details between my doctor and myself. I assure you if I have any health issues that could affect my performance, I will share them with you.

    Also, you stated that it is unacceptable for employees to attend doctor’s appointments during work hours. However, I believe this is an incorrect interpretation of company policy. I would appreciate it if HR could contact both of us regarding doctor appointments during work hours. I would also like clarification on how much personal information I am required to share with managers.

    On hairstyles, how your dress:

    Today at 1:00 pm, you commented on my appearance, as I made you aware, this made me very uncomfortable. I follow the company policies regarding dress and overall appearance. I would appreciate it if HR would provide you with a copy of these policies so there is no repeat of the confrontation this afternoon.

13. Mary PoolMay 11,2023 at 3:12PM UTC

    I'm replying to my own comment, sorry. You will note that I requested action from HR in both instances. If they respond, great. If not, well, so be it. However, if the issue arises again, you have documentation that you requested action from HR. They did not respond, thus throwing the ball back into their court with some heat behind it. HR is made up of people, people with a demanding job. If it is easier to let something slide, they might choose that option, but they can't choose that option repeatedly.

14. Rebecca MillikenMay 31,2023 at 2:12PM UTC

    This is great advice. I like everything in writing--email is your friend. First of all, if you have anxiety you might have a hard time with face to face, but also, having things dated and in writing and written with no ambiguity is always the best way to go.

    His behavior is in not legal and does not reflect well on the company. HR doesn't always side with the boss if the boss is hurting the company.

15. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 3:06PM UTC

    First thought is why you still work for him? Secondly, he has no business (as in zero) knowing why you are going to the doctor. None. IF you go to HR and they side with your boss, they are not doing their job. Have you ever gone to HR in the past for any of the comments he has made to you. I am just truly baffled why you would continue to tolerate that.

16. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 3:40PM UTC

    You are in a hostile and abusive work environment with a bully for a boss. I hope you've been documenting everything. I also hope you've been looking for a new job. HR is not your friend. They protect the company. You deserve so much better! Get out.

17. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 4:41PM UTC

    I'm getting pretty tired of people who continually bash HR, yes HR is your friend. In a good HR department employees are listened to, perhaps you just pick companies where that is not prevalent. As someone who has a long history in HR I am one of the good ones. Often I don't side with the company because there is no side, there is only right and wrong. I see the right from the wrong and then do the right thing.

18. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 9:36PM UTC

    I feel that the difficulty in this is that people don't usually choose a company based on the HR Department and thus, won't actually know what HR is like until they have an unfortunate encounter as mentioned above.

19. ClaraMay 12,2023 at 2:59PM UTC

    Unicorn. Simple. Employees are listened to in most companies. But the fact remains HR is for the companies best interest. It is what it is.

20. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 4:39PM UTC

    Definitely know that what he is doing is illegal. He should not be crossing the line into your personal life. I don't know any doctors who work outside of business hours and surely everyone has to wait for their appointments in a waiting room as well. Do bring this up to HR, let them know this is a whistleblower complaint. Share specific examples and if you have any documentation share that. Be clear with HR that this is bordering on hostile workplace and that his insults about your physical being are absolutely not acceptable. Let them know you are not alone in complaining about this person. Deadline them for an investigation and be clear that you want to remain anonymous until they have done their part. Contact your EEOC office and file a complaint there as well and let the company know that you are doing this which will timebox them to complete it in 30 days. They may finally deem him a legal liability and create an action to either suppress or terminate him because of his behavior. And definitely look for a place where there is not this level of toxicity in the workplace.

21. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 4:42PM UTC

    Don't take it to HR! They are always on the supervisor's side.

    Consult with an attorney if you think there's sexism underlying this, but in general, a boss has a right to be a jerk, and HR's job is to protect the company. Unless he's being a jerk in an illegal way, they don't have to care.

22. AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 11:10PM UTC

    This is harassment!

    Get a lawyer and provide the documentation to them.

    Once you have a lawyer, provide a harassment complaint to HR of everything you have and explain why it is harassment. Do this in an email and make sure HR acknowledges or responds to the email. Give them dates and times. Do not mention anything with a lawyer to them.

    If it does not get addressed by HR which you will know. The harassment should stop. If nothing improves, provide documentation to the lawyer and take them to court.

23. Amy Carissa OliverMay 12,2023 at 1:25PM UTC

    100%. I agree with everything. You can call EEO first at your state but this guy has violated labor laws. This isn’t even just harassment. Your marital status, your medical status… those are protected by LAW.

24. ClaraMay 12,2023 at 2:56PM UTC

    This is harassment and it is unlawful. Period. File a complaint.

25. AnonymousMay 14,2023 at 11:36PM UTC

    Avoid HR at all costs! They aren’t there for you.

26. Liz MilneMay 20,2023 at 9:14PM UTC

    I'm going to guess that you are Black, just from the hair comment and the excessive policing... :/ He is waaaaay out of line - if you can, get hold of the employee handbook and read up the wording of how you can guard your privacy with PTO/ doctor's appointments etc, and see if your state has signed up to the CROWN Act yet - even if it hasn't, perhaps he needs educating about it all?

    I'm so sorry you're facing this.

    xx

27. Rebecca MillikenMay 31,2023 at 2:06PM UTC

    Whether you think it will help or not, file a formal complaint. Every single time he is inappropriate which sounds like it's a lot. He has no right to ask for details about your doctor's appointments or comment on your appearance. As for your telephone etiquette, what is he doing, standing there listening? Ugh.I once had an HR who was horrible. He tried to write me up for a no call/no show on a day I was having a miscarriage (and I actually HAD called a manager!) I complained to someone higher in the company. If I knew than what I know now I would have gone even higher up--this was long before social media or I would have used it against him. That man was horrid--and a few years after I left he was arrested on child porn charges. Which isn't relevant to you I know but ugh.Anyway, report, report, report. He's making your life hell for no reason. You need to show him you won't take it.

28. AnonymousJune 1,2023 at 3:29PM UTC

    Be very careful with HR. I reported a boss for making a comment about my gender in the industry I was in at the time, while staring at my chest. I was lied about, put on probation, and fired exactly one year to the day later. HR never did any research. I know because colleagues who knew the situation told me they were never called. HR is not there for you. They are there for the company. It may just be better for you to start looking for a much less toxic environment.