Accused of creating a hostile work environment

89 Comments

1. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 5:48PM UTC

   Please remember, an accusation is not fact.

   So make notes addressing each accusation with examples (emails, copies of notes) of your response.

   Also provide your current expectations on current responsibilities and future projects, etc. List ways you want them to meet deadlines and deliverables. And whatever deliverables have been missed over this past 6 months.

2. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 6:35PM UTC

   I have some documentation and have dated notes on when things were done incorrectly and what we talked about after. I also have emails from last year showing that I was accommodating and willing to work with them after their ex-partner died. I'm definitely going to go back through her email and make notes on each accusation.Thank you for your response!

3. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 6:51PM UTC

   You are extremely prepared and should easily prevail.

   I have learned to say as little as possible and allow things to unravel on their own. I also always end the meeting with action items if needed (taking notes in front of HR and accuser during the meeting). Being very clear and succinct will stop this accurser in her tracks. Saying very little is very commanding.

4. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 4:08AM UTC

   Yes, this!! Saying very little and not getting emotional even though it feels like a personal attack.

5. AnonymousJanuary 2,2025 at 3:10PM UTC

   Agreed here. Stick to the facts, only data. Emotional response may be what your associate is banking on. Don't provide them with the satisfaction. HR should provide back up with the data you provide. I know that it is cumbersome, but you will need the documentation if a formal PIP is the course this takes. You got this!

6. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 8:25PM UTC

   Great idea. I provided a reply above regarding an EAP program. Honestly, this employee is struggling and is expecting you to be more understanding. If they need more emotional support, they should rely on friends and family. Not work folks. You are documenting it all and that is super smart. Keep us posted!

7. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 5:56PM UTC

   This person is trying to get you fired and has probably gotten people fired using the same technique at this employer or former employers.

   I had a similar situation when multiple clients complained about an employee I supervised at a field office so I reported to corporate HR what I had been told and sent them client contact information (with client permission of course) so they could follow up because I did not have permission to fire anyone. Instead, they only contacted the employee who denied everything, then falsely accused me of sexual harassment. I was in shock when HR told me this, and they said to just work together and they would do nothing. I told HR that sexual harassment is a serious allegation and I could not work with someone that accused me of that, and I would have to quit if HR wanted us to continue to work together. They said they would not fire the person or move them to a new location so I quit. When other employees heard what happened half of them also quit leaving the location understaffed and it eventually closed a few months later.

   So talking to HR is the right approach, but be prepared, because both of you will need to be separated so you can not be accused anymore or one of you will need to leave the company.

8. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 6:11PM UTC

   If what you are saying is indeed what happened, HR totally handled incorrectly. If there was an allegation of sexual harassment, it should have been investigated and if determined that the employee was making false accusations, should have been handled appropriately. I'm sorry HR failed you.

9. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 6:48PM UTC

   That sounds so stressful! I'm sorry you went through with that.

   Last night I was talking to a friend and my first thought was she was trying to get rid of me but I don't think that's the case now. She would have to cover my job until they filled the position and I know she knows she wouldn't be able to handle my responsibilities on top of hers. I'm starting to think that she's finally realizing that I know she doesn't know how to do her job and am holding her accountable. But who knows? I guess I'll find out in the meeting with HR. I'm definitely not quitting, I've put a lot of effort into being good at my job and moving up. They can move her to a different department but I'm not budging.

10. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 8:26PM UTC

    I’ve worked with people like her. Always a martyr always excuses to cover their lack of commitment and get away with low productivity. You have made a mistake by not formally documenting the problems and implementing a performance improvement plan. So that now with HR in the room and have them witness the goals agreed to. No fun. But you can do this.

11. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 4:06AM UTC

    Sorry you have experienced someone like that. I have someone similar. I agree, if you look at someone who makes complaints and references something a year ago they usually don't stay long at many jobs. They use what they can, leave ruins, and move on to the next place they can take advantage of.

12. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 6:09PM UTC

    Have you had HR involved at any point along the way prior to this? Either dealing with the employee's performance or their personal situation? If not, hindsight. If nothing more than to beat them to the punch, get things documented, etc. It's kinda weird that the employee is requesting you set up a meeting for you to talk to HR about this. Have this meeting, bring along any documentation you have that will support what you have stated above. Work with HR on developing a plan on how to move forward with this employee.

13. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 6:42PM UTC

    I didn't report anything to HR, although I could have and am realizing that I really should have. Most of the things brought up in their email were from last year and I knew they were going through a difficult situation and didn't want to add to that by reporting to HR. I did document everything, I have dated notes on the interactions and what I did to try to help or fix the issues, but the hard part is that a lot of these interactions were in person so it's my word against there's.

14. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 7:45PM UTC

    Agreed. Document, document, document. If nothing else, if you need to PIP them, you are already ahead of the game. Set up the meeting and get ahead of the issue. Good luck.

15. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachDecember 18,2024 at 7:59PM UTC

    Work closely with HR, and document what you can of past conversations and begin documenting everything going forward. Good luck. This will be difficult.

16. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 8:20PM UTC

    First of all, it is not your responsibility to be emotionally responsive. You are, however, a leader, that when the employee approaches you about their issues, to provide them information regarding the EAP program, if available. This employee sounds like they are having an emotionally hard time and they are trying to pin it on you. It's important you meet with HR by yourself first, and explain to them all the documentation you have that this employee is not being able to perform. They should guide you on steps whether it's a verbal, in writing or a PIP plan. I've had many losses in my life and my boss was always supportive but in the end, the work must be done. We are all provided emails that just generically let us know about the EAP program. I highly recommend your HR sends out regular emails to all employees so they may get the help they need. It is not up to you to fix this person's emotional issues. You did the right thing by being supportive. As a person who has lost 3 of my immediate family members, those events are in the past for others, but me and my family still deal with the loss. Just like anyone grieving, there is no timeline. But you should absolutely be given the right to provide projects to your employees as they are valued and paid to do a job. How much more leniency does this person need? Ask HR what can be provided to help this person along. Honestly, there are so many emotions running amuck here, you can only be responsible for your own. Some people are not huggy lovey people, but are empathetic. But I do not personally expect someone to be over empathetic to me nor vice versa if I am not close to them. You seem to need guidance from HR and this person should be given EAP information. There should also be a time to talk through in this mediation of sorts, what the company can offer this person to get them to perform. If they can't perform, and you've given them all the tools including EAP, really that person should move on.

17. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 8:30PM UTC

    It feels like there's some sort of playbook out there for people who can't or just don't want to do their jobs. This sounds like the employee was expecting to be put on a PIP and is trying to get ahead of you with HR/complaints/likely FMLA request. I've seen this handled well and I've seen it handled poorly (one situation basically ended up with a permanent slacker being untouchable for 10 years). Hopefully your HR is one of the good ones.

18. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 9:49PM UTC

    I have thought this for years. Certain slacker employees are attracted to companies with very unskilled or non existent HR that are furtile ground for abuse by employees that want to run their own show and contribute nothing. These employees excel at these types of gaslighting games.

19. AnonymousDecember 18,2024 at 10:32PM UTC

    And let me guess--this person called you "toxic." Just because an environment doesn't suit someone, it's not necessarily hostile or "toxic." It's just a bad fit. Just be sure to document, document, document.

20. AnonymousDecember 19,2024 at 1:15PM UTC

    It’s all in how you say things to people, your demeanor, the words you choose. Leaving early sounds like she became overwhelmed at the end of the day over her loss and needed to leave. She may not have known that in the morning. You could be more understanding. Everything is an opportunity to learn and improve. Are you already flawless?

21. AnonymousDecember 19,2024 at 4:33PM UTC

    The employee didn’t say they were feeling overwhelmed, they said they were leaving early to go to a birthday party. If they had said they were overwhelmed then I would have told them to go home, rest, and let me know in the morning if they were feeling better and could work. I am not saying I’m flawless.

22. AnonymousDecember 19,2024 at 6:42PM UTC

    You did not say that in your op. You tied leaving early to her grief and made sure to say ex. Your op reads more like a vent than sincerely asking for advice or a solution. You seem to want validation that your subordinate is unreasonable. That’s how it reads to me. You can learn from any experience and move forward or not.

23. GirlBossanova934974December 19,2024 at 2:26PM UTC

    This is what is called a Preemptive Strike! Your subordinate has decided for some time now that she does not feel like doing her job. My bet is that she is already looking for another job. So to make sure she keeps her job while she is out there looking around, she will tie you up in an HR spat and that will take weeks to sort out. Job security for a month or two. Unfortunately, the working world is full of holiday layoffs right now which will extend until JAN. So why not buy some insurance thinks this employee!

24. Rebecca LaurenDecember 19,2024 at 3:23PM UTC

    I’ve been thinking really hard about how to respond to this, because I understand both points of view. When I was trained for my position, I was trained to have uncomfortable conversations with employees. Which, I believe, would have been a huge benefit in this situation. What I would have done, and have done many times, is planned a conversation with the employee, yourself and a second supervisor, just to cover yourself from these kinds of accusations. In that conversation I would explain that you see they are struggling with their work. Tell them that you know they are struggling in their personal life and ask if they feel those struggles may be effecting their work performance. Many times, this conversation ends in tears for all parties involved, but it shows that you understand where they are on an emotional level. Keep up with them on a weekly basis. Just pull them aside and ask how they are doing. A little compassion goes a long way.

    By using this method, you opened the door to open communication between yourself and the employee. Once the door is open, they will be more receptive to constructive criticism. Offer the employee a 1on 1 day to retrain on department procedures. While you are retraining, explain why certain procedures are there. Once it makes more sense to them, they will be far less likely to miss or maybe even skip the step the next time. Again, check in often and see how they are doing and ask if they have questions. I’m telling you from experience, these few things sound like a lot, but they are absolute game changers!

    Lastly, and this is very important, grief is a process. It doesn’t happen all at once and it affects everyone differently. I’ll give you a few examples. I had one employee who lost her daughter to cancer and one employee who lost her son in a car accident. Both had triggers. One would struggle with seeing someone who was clearly ill, one struggled for several years with anxiety about driving in the dark. Don’t question why someone is triggered. Sometimes, we just have to accept it and other times, there is a solution we just haven’t seen yet. Again, these things become more clear with open communication.

    I really think this will be a game changer for you and your employee. I really hope you find a solution that works for both of you. Good luck!

25. RobinDecember 20,2024 at 3:14AM UTC

    Excellent advice. As someone who has been in both positions, the relationship depicted here will be your best bet to support them as they heal. When your employee feels anxious, it can interfere with following processes. As an educated, driven perfectionist, when I was hurting, I made really stupid mistakes. As a manager, I have been told by employees I fired that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. They knew it wasn't personal, it was performance. Empathy, even if its hard for you, is so important as a manager. Good luck. Read the above post again❤️

26. AnonymousDecember 19,2024 at 3:48PM UTC

    Document, document, document

27. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 1:37PM UTC

    In my experience people who are toxic never see themselves that way. Lots of people commenting are on your side, and think the employee who alerted you is at fault, but I would encourage you to work with HR to examine your actions, tone of voice, and demeanor with the employee who was brave enough to speak out. It's hard to call out a bully. I'm not saying you are one, but ridiculing the victim, as the commenters have been doing on your post, says more about them than they realize.

28. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 1:45PM UTC

    Your response negates the fact that this employee is not completing their work . There are people who use this new way of " you are not coddling me enough " as a way to gaslight others to do what they want .

29. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 2:02PM UTC

    In my experience, toxic managers always claim employees are at fault, aka "not doing their work" while their own behavior is pristine.

30. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 6:40PM UTC

    As someone who has had the KING of toxic managers ,I definitely see your point . The OP does not owe this employee the level of personal support they seem to expect . I mean it's expected they check in on the employee's feelings but family , friends or a therapist is for hand holding .

31. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 2:01PM UTC

    I hear your point, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to call anyone a victim in this scenario. It’s important that both parties engage and try to move forward.

32. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 3:53PM UTC

    The OP has stated they've been alerted they are creating a hostile work environment, which indicates someone considers they are a victim. What's more, the OP seems to feel they are now the victim of an employee who has complained, in her view, to take the heat of the complainant's own poor performance. It feels very appropriate that there is likely a victim somewhere in this situation.

33. Rebecca MillikenDecember 26,2024 at 1:59PM UTC

    "I'm not saying you're a bully, but I'm implying you are."

    The OP has no control over the people commenting and what they say.

34. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 1:59PM UTC

    I went through a similar situation last year. First, take care of yourself. Being in leadership is hard at times lonely. It sounds as if you’ve taken an inventory of your engagement with this employee and past employees and this is not a pattern of poor management on your part. Connect with trustee’s colleagues and (Without breaching confidentiality) share, review and get their insights. It’s easy to start second guessing yourself and that’s not what you should do. When you have the meeting with HR. listen with curiosity and take copious notes. You’ll get through this.

35. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 2:41PM UTC

    From your point of view it seems you have been overly patient and generous with this person. What further compassion you could have shown, it is up to this employee - however far you wanted to extend yourself I am sure it would not have been enough in their eyes. Most companies have EAP now, maybe that is something they can be directed to. Perhaps HR will have some suggestions. Like the other poster listed - "document, document, document."

36. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 4:05PM UTC

    Be careful. I had a direct report who was lazy, entitled and lied to me about things getting done that were not. I documented everything and had daily meetings to get her on track. She pulled through for that time and then starting going downhill again and not because she had any extenuating life events. She needed to go. I talked to HR and moved to put her on a formal PIP. She knew this was coming and went to my boss and the head of HR to launch a litany of complaints about me. Guess what? Without getting all the facts, they jumped to her side of things because she was gay and she said I had been making her "uncomfortable" the whole time she was employed with the company. Talk about a preemptive strike. It didn't matter that I had reams of documentation on this person's very poor performance. It was insane how someone could use their "protected class" as a weapon. BTW-I am also a protected class. It didn't matter. After well over a year of accolades and promotions, they fired me. I got a lawyer. It was ugly, but I won. I'm not saying this is the road you're on. I'm sharing to say you can do everything right and things can still go very wrong.

37. AnonymousDecember 23,2024 at 2:15PM UTC

    I had this happen to me in my last role. I managed someone who was in a protected class in this case. The person was an employee over 40. I was in my mid to late 30s and had successfully managed staff older than I am since I was in my 20s. However, this person didn't think they had to do anything that I was asking them to do and often took it as an affront when I did things differently than they would have. This person complained to my manager (s) that I made her feel 'uncomfortable,' and well, after that, no matter what I did, I was always labeled as the problem or the one that was wrong regardless of what happened. Ultimately, after more than five years, two promotions, and numerous significant raises, I was fired. The craziest part was the person transferred departments by choice and then proceeded to steamroller their manager in the new department (who was also about my age and had been successful in managing team members of all ages), and yet, still, somehow, the focus was always on me because I wasn't a member of a protected class.

38. AnonymousDecember 23,2024 at 4:10PM UTC

    Wow. Just wow. These companies and the choices they make. It's no wonder they struggle to stay in business. I'm so sorry this happened to you, too.

39. AnonymousDecember 23,2024 at 4:41PM UTC

    Thanks, it was a rough situation, and I have found some places that appreciate me. I also learned a lot about how to respond to these situations.

40. AnonymousDecember 20,2024 at 4:40PM UTC

    Clearly they are in defensive mode because they feel entitled to special treatment. Stand your ground. Let the history of the way you gave them grace during their bereavement speak for itself and don't be defensive when you speak. You are managing the content of their work, focus the conversation on that and the fact that they are not following agreed upon processes that are set in place.

    Start by meeting with HR in advance of this meeting and during that advance meeting let HR know that your issues with them are performance related and that because they are having issues their defensiveness is causing them to act out. Ask for HR's help to get their work product back on track or you will need to do a PIP. Aside from that sit there and let the employee know in the dual meeting that you support them but not with kid gloves because work does have to be done, let them know your style is direct and open and that is perhaps what they have issue with. Let them know that you have given them space when needed to come and go but for work production reasons you want to know early in the day that they intend to leave early. Ask them how they prefer to take feedback when they are off course because your styles don't align and despite that there needs to be common ground for getting sh* done at work. If they just don't think they want to work for you perhaps encourage them to shift departments or to think about if the role still suits their career. Do it gently because you cannot come at them and you cannot go into this defensive because even though you are a manager HR does have to investigate their complaint. Good luck, tread gently. You got this!

41. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 7:50PM UTC

    This is also great advice. Acknowledging diff communication styles can open up the conversation to learn how the employee wants to be spoken to (not that it's always appropriate/doable). But asking the question can let you know whether the person is complaining to complain or whether he/she has actual suggestions and solutions. If you say: I don't like what you do xyz, and you get asked: ok, how would you like me to do things, and you have no answer to that, then it's a big tell that you're just complaining and not looking for solutions.

42. Chris Del NagroDecember 21,2024 at 1:22PM UTC

    This person sounds like a narcissist to me. Blames everyone, can't accept responsibility for their actions.

43. Ramona AloyoDecember 21,2024 at 2:30PM UTC

    I have worked in companies where people who are in a protected class take advantage of that status. Companies, for some reason, tend to focus on the emotional side of the employee rather than on their work performance and will fire the manager as a preemtive strike against a sexual harassment suit. The problem is that we've become so politically correct, that we allow people's emotional needs dictate the how we treat their work performance. Talk to HR alone and ask for their perspective on the situation and for how they would like to see this resolved. You will know from their answer what they expect and how you should act/behave/respond durig the meeting. You can determine your long-term course once the meeting is over. If you are able to deal with the person, great! If not, ask if they can be transferred to another department. This sounds and feels like passing the buck, but what are your options? Good luck

44. AnonymousDecember 21,2024 at 2:58PM UTC

    I don’t see where OP says this employee is from a protected class. Is not ok to generalize.

    As someone that needs accommodations for work and that has faced lots of discrimination at work, I know many of us leave all our energy at work. Fulfilling the work responsibilities is the only way to avoid any claim of undue hardship.

    Seems like this person asked an accommodation directly to their supervisor because of a family tragedy, not because they belong to a protected class.

    Your comment sounds like you are mad you cannot discriminate people and that you need to use emotional intelligence at work.

45. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 7:38PM UTC

    this is great advice, and I would not have thought to do that (talk with HR first and get feedback before the larger meeting).

46. AnonymousDecember 21,2024 at 2:59PM UTC

    You probably are a micromanager and keep breathing down their neck. I came across so many people managers who make other people's lives miserable for not giving the others the benefit of the doubt. Sounds like you are one of them. You think they can't do anything right without you so you belittle them over a tiny mistake. So I hope you learn from this mistake.

47. Zeecil KimmelDecember 22,2024 at 2:28AM UTC

    This is supposed to be a group of women supporting each other. Why would you assume the worst of someone like that? And why would 4 others think this is an appropriate response to someone reaching out for help and upvote?

48. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 7:34PM UTC

    I agree, Zeecil. I've actually never ready such an angry response to a post here before. I think some people visit their own trauma on other situations which is not helpful. A variety of viewpoints is great, but phrases like 'you act like [what you did] is a gift from God' are not helpful.

49. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 3:54AM UTC

    The OP stated the complaint was to have them escalate. The one who who complained may have the control issue and doesn't like to be told what to do. It appears repetitive over a long period of time. I've had micromanagers and have worked with neurodivergent coworkers who lack the ability to work on a team. There isn't enough information to judge how they work. Take into consideration who posted this and is seeking general help on how to handle the situation. That doesn't sound like a person who micromanages and is in control of another's work. It sounds like someone who has made many attempts and cannot find a solution.

50. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 1:29PM UTC

    This is possible but also not probable on what we know. We don’t actually know the type of work they are doing or the types of mistakes. There are instances where rigid adherence to process matters.

51. AnonymousDecember 21,2024 at 3:35PM UTC

    "I'm not an overly bubbly, sweet person but I'm not rude". Those are two extremes. Is there any warmth or kindness in your interactions with this employee? Do you explain things in a polite but cold manner?

    Is every conversation with your employee about what they are doing wrong daily with no positive feedback?

    If so then of course they are going to feel anxious because they know when they see you they will get criticized for doing something wrong.

    You don't need to be bubbly but may need to learn how to provide positive feedback.

    Something to consider is if someone is forgetting daily tasks they may have beginnings of a memory disorder or some other health issue that is impacting memory. That's not for you to solve for the employee or even bring up! But just something to keep in mind.

52. AnonymousDecember 21,2024 at 3:49PM UTC

    Interesting that they have raised it when you have raised their work not being up to scratch. Sounds like a defence mechanism to me. I recently pulled a team member for making changes to the teams workload without consulting me first. I head up the department. I had instructed the team on tasks to do based on where the focus needed to be for them all to hit KPIs, she changed things around without considering the bigger picture. She has done this 3 times. I pulled her for a chat and she said I was attacking her. I should be able to raise this kind of thing with her without her using that old chestnut of being under attack. It’s the 3rd time. She isn’t qualified to be making this type of decision and should have spoken to me before rolling it out to the team. Another point, she always gives extra work to certain people. Never her favourite people who actually have capacity to take on more. Just convinces me more ‘she hasn’t got a clue’ sorry for the rant but my point being, she was instantly defensive. Some people just can’t handle any sort of feedback or criticism no matter how soft you deliver it.

53. Taylor PetersDecember 21,2024 at 4:34PM UTC

    I mean, you have to understand that their partner, the person they planned to spend their life with, passed. Meaning that life she was going to have ended. A part of her died. You say it happened last year, and they are making mistakes that they have been doing for 3 years. This means that they are overwhelmed. Grief can take years, we are not robots. I think you are creating a hostile environment because you have no actual empathy. You went through the motions with her bereavement, not actual concern. At best you are going to lose a long time employee or you are heading towards a lawsuit, at worse you are going to have a dead employee and a lifetime of guilt and probably thrown under the bus to never work in your field again. Maybe actually take the time to listen and find a solution, come with understanding. You are treating this death like it was her goldfish. You can also be the cold person you are and fire her, taking the L. You will probably report this comment because YOU don't want to take accountability that you truly could care less about this employee as a human, you don't care her partner died, just accept it. You can take this moment as a time to grow and reflect or continue down the path you are on. Life is more than a career.

54. Barbara BurkeDecember 21,2024 at 6:22PM UTC

    They said ex-partner, which I take as they were no longer a couple when they passed. Empathy can’t be forced; it sounds like the employee was given more than reasonable accommodations: as much time off as needed, working at home, allowed to decide when and what schedule to return to the office on. The employee has been treated way better than most in their position have been. They’re clearly having mental health issues and hopefully will be forced to address them and get some professional help. It’s a work place, the employee needs to do their work correctly. Asking someone to do their work and pointing out their mistakes so they can correct them and learn from it is not creating a hostile environment. Expecting the rest of the office to carry your workload for over a year and making accusations if they don’t Is.

55. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 3:43AM UTC

    I fully agree. Unless we have access to their medical records and education to deal with someone's medical or medical health it is not the job of someone in the workplace. They need to see help and they were given the opportunity to do so. It is not a lack of empathy. It's a separation of work and home. Work is not to diagnose or treat . We all show empathy in different ways. It doesn't negate the attempts made. Your reply is spot on!

56. Taylor PetersDecember 22,2024 at 7:00PM UTC

    And I put that those are motions with nothing behind them. We also, don't know if that is true. We are taking the accused's word for it, not the accuser. At this point we don't have the whole story, but what we have is that someone is struggling and they called this person out. This person is upset that they are being accused, and they have been making mistakes after a large event. So are we implying that this I would assume good employee just became a lazy person who is taking advantage? Or have they always been? Even if they are an ex-partner, we don't know if it's be 6 months or 10 years, kids or no kids. We don't know anything other than she had a death, she is struggling, their supervisor gave textbook stuff and act like it's a gift from God, and it's not working because there is a disconnect. Also, there are people who have nothing wrong and put their workloads on others because they are just awful.

57. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 7:28PM UTC

    I don't think any of us can know how the OP acted, but one thing I'll add to the situation is that showing empathy, warmth, compassion in a work environment with an employee (not a personal friend or family member you know well), is also not without potential probs. First, what 1 person sees as compassion, another might see as infantalizing. Or being nosey. Or... See what I mean? It can be a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't thing and it's a hard line to walk successfully.

58. Rebecca MillikenDecember 26,2024 at 1:52PM UTC

    A lot of assumptions being made with very little information to make them on.

59. AnonymousDecember 21,2024 at 4:37PM UTC

    This person is in the midst of trauma and unfortunately is too thick in it to see anything, including reasonable feedback, clearly. They may be unwell or in a very persecuted place in their own mind.

    But. This is a workplace.

    Be polite but firm with HR present. You’re just doing your job, which includes communicating expectations of work quality. Ask both the person and HR what additional reasonable accommodations might be. Redoing their work for them is not reasonable accommodation.

60. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 1:02AM UTC

    I would love to know how things worked out.

61. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 1:28PM UTC

    This person has no clue what the definition of “hostile work environment” is. It’s a specific legal term that refers to discrimination against a protected class. It doesn’t mean micromanaging or not being warm and fuzzy enough.

62. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 1:31PM UTC

    I had a boss who was so nitpicky and micromanaging that she made me nervous. So nervous that I would regularly screw up every day tasks. Constantly having every little mistake examined and discussed wore on me. She insisted we meet weekly. That only made things worse. I wondered for a while if it was me. Then, I eventually got a new job where I had a great boss. Suddenly I wasn’t screwing up anymore. I suggest you take a close look at yourself. You may be this kind of boss. Maybe others haven’t had the courage to turn you in. You can begin repairing your relationship with your employee by instilling confidence, trust, and backing off.

    And you don’t have to be bubbly or even friendly to be nice. I’m definitely not those things either. But you do have to be warm and kind if you expect to develop a decent relationship with employees. Pointing out tiny mistakes and then suggesting ways to fix them does come off as condescending. Pick your battles, then let your employee know that you can suggest ways to fix things if they need them. When my boss used to suggest how to fix mistakes, it came off as controlling. I felt pressure to do things her way when a better way could have worked for me. You are an authority figure. Remember every little thing you say or do carries ten times the weight. And consider tailoring your management style. Some want their hand held. Make suggestions to those people. Others need space and work best that way. Sounds like this may be that kind of worker. Making suggestions on how to fix a mistake a worker likely already feels bad about can come off as berating and lecturing. Give them a few months to do things their way and see how it goes.

63. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 3:18PM UTC

    Im glad you brought a different approach to this thread. As a manager/supervisor, when an employee says they're not comfortable or they feel they're in a hostile environment, WE should take an inventory of our behavior. Whether we are at fault or not. Getting defensive raises a flag for me. If you have a timid, uncertain employee who feels attacked when addressed, listen and hear them. It takes a lot for an employee to speak up. It doesn't matter you've never had negative feedback from previous or current positions. I've found employees lacking "soft" skills are tolerated.

64. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 1:43PM UTC

    Guessing this person is a younger gen and doesnt know how to handle feedback. It is a reported phenomenon, unfortunately.

65. Bosslady985092December 23,2024 at 1:30PM UTC

    Bring younger doesn't automatically mean not knowing how to handle feedback, but you are correct if maybe lack of experience could be impeding them on that point.

66. AnonymousDecember 25,2024 at 8:33PM UTC

    Not automatically, but often. Like i said. It’s generational. Ghosting instead of having an uncomfortable conversation. Not understanding that putting a period at the end of a sentence isn’t being mean or threatening. The list can go on.

67. Sandra SwearingenDecember 22,2024 at 1:49PM UTC

    Sounds like the relationship between you and the employee is not working. You have worked to make them successful and are coaching them. You should back off and let them sink or swim. All employees have to be held accountable for producing. If after three years, the employee is still not able to successfully do their job, they may never be able to. Meet with hr. Have your documentation together of the issues. Let hr know you have been Coaching her continually but she is still not meeting performance standards as per her job description . Sometimes the employee would do better in another job. She may need EAP help if it’s available . Good luck. Doing the right thing is usually harder than taking the easy way out.

68. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 2:04PM UTC

    I'm sorry you are going through this. Sadly, I've seen this type of situation play out and it's usually not good for the accused, despite all the true documentation you have about the poor employee. I don't know why it seems, especially nowadays, that PC and catering to people's feelings (especially those in a protected class) has become more important than professionally training and handling a poor performer. Why have we become so soft at work? It is a work environment, not some emotional safe space.

    Some people refuse to take responsibility for anything and any feekback is considering "hostile," "mean," and "condiscending." It sounds like the employee is one of those people and is most likely toxic themsevles. It sounds like you were extremely accommodating for the death of ex-partner (ex being the key considering it wasn't even a current partner). And showing people how to correct the same mistake they've made several times is not condiscending because obviously they didn't understand how to avoid the mistake in the first place. I've known people to be embarassed because they known they aren't as good of worker as they should be so instead of trying to do better or ask for additional training, they blame everyone else for their failures because they can't handle that they, the employee is the problem.

    The only advice I can give is make sure you have documentation... every time you've corrected, explained, and retrained this person. Have the date and time and the resolution written down in a file and make sure you put in detail the continued errors they are making. Also, please remember HR isn't your friend and isn't always impartial. They may already have taken this employees side of things just because they came to HR about it first.

69. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 2:27PM UTC

    This^^^

70. AnonymousDecember 23,2024 at 5:54PM UTC

    The fact that the words protected class exist is an indication that some people’s experiences at work were so bad that some recourse/protection was needed and it says A LOT about you that you would use that as a pejorative to insinuate they’re taking advantage. Especially considering the awful behavior of those not in a protected class that goes completely unchallenged.

71. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 2:24PM UTC

    I have seen this happen. I think it is a sign of the times in so many ways... My advice for you is to remove as much emotion from the situation as possible, State the facts and only the facts. If you Remain professional and courteous... You will bode well. You have been put on the defensive by someone who has already stretched.The limits of performance expectation. ...Work very hard to keep your emotion out of this and state the facts clearly and in writing. If you do this successfully and things are still not working positively for you, Talk to an employment attorney immediately following. My neighbor had this happend to her and she had a very high up position with the united states post office. She struggled back-and-forth with a situation.Similar to this in another city that she supervised... It was relentless and she finally Hired an attorney and negotiated an early retirement package. It seems to be very unfair but the employer has an obligation to investigate this

72. Robyn Lyn FonroseDecember 22,2024 at 3:59PM UTC

    I have found that going into these types of HR meetings, focusing on what needs to happen going forward, rather than what has happened, protects you and provides the best outcomes.

73. daniel dresenDecember 22,2024 at 4:07PM UTC

    It feels like you are kinda like me... a constrained affect, so when we explain things while the intention is to educate, others feel it is demeaning and they take offense. It also sounds like you have bent over backwards for the employee despite repeated mistakes. Document their work product history, include mistakes and email communications to correct the mistakes, and let HR ruminate next steps. This will cover your rear.

74. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 4:43PM UTC

    I was in that situation, at the restaurant business. I worked hard to become a manager. When I finally got promoted, some of the kids were SO sensitive.

    There was a girl that served BURNT patties to a customer. I told her that the patties were burnt and could not be served because that would hurt a secret shop score. (I understand secret shops are BS, but people get in trouble for failing them)

    She literally ran out of the kitchen, and face timed the store GM and lied to her saying I threatened to write her up. She was in the back for 30 minutes crying to the GM and then the GM yelled at me. It was so dumb. This same GM would refuse to correct food safety issues and would say it was "knit picking"

    In short, I got blamed for failed secret shop scores, but how can I WIN if I can't coach?

    Ultimately, I just focused on the ones that at least sort of wanted to be there and just minimized the contact with the over sensitive disrespectful employees. A few years ago, I moved on to greener pastures where people are a little less sensitive.

    I like to tell my boss that I am receptive to criticism (within reason). It seems like you are being VERY reasonable and the employee is not.

75. AnonymousDecember 22,2024 at 8:45PM UTC

    This is such C.R.A.P.

    I hate that you are experiencing this situation with an employee who has bigger issues that have nothing to do with you. That employee needs to go!!

    Best of blessings to you through this. State the truth as you have here. Praying God will preserve your good reputation and integrity.

76. AnonymousDecember 23,2024 at 2:11PM UTC

    God forbid we show co-workers more empathy and compassion when they have bigger issues that have nothing to do with work.

77. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluDecember 23,2024 at 1:14PM UTC

    Good Morning,I am sorry you are experiencing this . . . There is a lot of solid advice in this thread. I agree with those who are encouraging you to go into the meeting with a focus on problem-solving, how to move forward, and to communicate in neutral language, prioritizing "facts" over "emotions" . . .I would add that you should also discuss at the meeting the institution of a PIP/Coaching/Counseling Plan for the employee in question. There needs to be a determination as to whether or not the employee truly has a grasp, or knowledge base, on how to do/complete the work in a timely and efficient manner, or if there are non-work related issues impeding the employee's progress. Your organization/HR should have the tools to assist you with this endeavor. If not, I'd suggest that you find the tools online, and then have HR vet them to determine if they are aligned with your company's policies. There should also be a determination with HR as to whether or not you'd be the best person to execute the PIP/Coaching/Counseling, or if someone else should be tasked with that responsibility. Best of luck!

78. Sharon Amber BennettDecember 23,2024 at 1:53PM UTC

    Well I'm sure suggesting you start a PIP is certainly going to help their anxiety and productivity. Micromanaging helps SO much.

79. Afo Ogbeyalu KaluDecember 23,2024 at 9:22PM UTC

    It's not micromanaging if done right. A PIP treated as intended, is a great tool/contract to re-establish the responsibilities of the employee in question, and provide resources to assist that employee in becoming more successful at their job. Also note that I identified Coaching and Counseling as alternatives as well. This can be a teachable moment in which the parties involved learn more about each other and resolve to improve the work relationship.

80. AnonymousDecember 23,2024 at 3:54PM UTC

    You have just met a master manipulator. He/she will play the victim and make you out as the aggressor to get their way. You see where you say that you feel like you can't ask them to help with project or make sure they get their work done. They have done their job. Their goal is to have you avoid them totally so they can do as they please. By referring you to HR they are trying to make themselves bullet proof. Do not fall for it. Please keep a journal and make sure you put everything in writing for HR. It's time to move this person out the door.

81. AnonymousDecember 23,2024 at 7:53PM UTC

    I agree 1000% (if there were such a thing) with what you said. They don't want to be held accountable because, as you said, their goal is to have the OP to totally avoid them so that they can do as they please. Documentation is going to be key going forward.

82. Aurora VaughnDecember 23,2024 at 7:38PM UTC

    Only having your side of this, the one thing I see where you might have asked something unreasonable, is if the leaving early was related to physical or mental health.

    Saying let me know earlier is essentially saying "don't have a crisis." Since this person is likely still grieving they may have felt that was essentially telling them to plan their mental health.

    But again, I only have the information here. Anyone who gives you answers with certainty on that are not your friends or allies.

83. AyianDecember 23,2024 at 7:52PM UTC

    Being perceived as condescending is not purely what idea you are attempting to convey, but how you are presenting it, including word choice, emphasis and tone placed on the words chosen, facial expression, body language, breathing, distance and juxtaposition between yourself and the audience, and other nonverbal communication. You may not notice how you are coming across to your subordinate. Additionally, what you think is fine may not match up with what others think is fine. Sometimes providing assistance unasked can be seen as condescending, even when you are trying to be helpful. It can be illuminating to sit down and have a judgement-free conversation about what behaviors you have exhibited that feel uncomfortable to your subordinate. Sometimes, it's not something that can be pinned down except in the moment, but chances are if they feel that it is a toxic environment, there are some things that they can provide that transcends situational conditions. You can also ask them to please communicate when they feel that something was condescending. If you have truly open communication about this perceived energy between you, there is opportunity for growth for both of you.

    If your subordinate feels heard and their feedback valued, they may trust you enough to hear your concerns about their work and areas for improvement. You may also attempt to put them on a PIP as others have recommended, but at this time, that will only further alienate the employee and will feel like retaliation.

    Ultimately, you're the person who has to make the choice here, but it sounds like the relationship has been dysfunctional for some time. For example, after her partner passed, she would leave early with little notice. I can only imagine that sometimes, feelings might crop up unexpectedly and prohibit normal work function. In that situation, she may not have known in the morning that she needed to leave early. Obviously we here on Fairygodboss have no way of knowing the exact dynamics, but the information you've shared about your subordinate does indicate that you look down on her and might suggest that you have some work to do in that area in addition to her having work to do to improve her performance as well.

    Best wishes with your meeting(s)!

84. AnonymousDecember 23,2024 at 8:19PM UTC

    I kind of disagree with what you posted. The OP stated that while she isn't an over bubbly sweet person, she isn't rude (her words). It seems that these allegations are being brought against the OP simply because she's bringing this employee to task and holding him or her accountable, something that they're obviously not accustomed to. So, of course, they going feel that they're being picked on, talked down to condescendingly, etc. And It's hard to think rationally or abide by constructive criticism when your ego gets bruised. I truly think that's the case right here. Besides, it's super odd that not any of the other employees that the OP manages have brought allegations against her citing a hostile workplace. Should the OP check her communication styles as it pertains to this individual? Not sure. People are different. And perhaps a PIP plan should be put in place, but it's the job of a manager to correct and guide an employee, making sure that the work gets done and done correctly. While there's no need to be rude, aggressive or incorrigible, a manager should NOT be made to feel that they have to sugar coat something or play down the facts just to appease someone so that their feelings don't get hurt. Just my opinion.

85. AyianDecember 26,2024 at 11:15PM UTC

    Well, unsurprisingly, I still agree with what I said. I know from personal experience that I can come across to people in a manner that they perceive as condescending when I am not intending it and likewise, I've found what others have said to me to be condescending and they were taken by surprise when I informed them of such. I strive for direct communication and feedback, so when this occurs, I'm all for having an open conversation about things like tone, body language, stuff my face is doing without checking in with me, etc. I also don't assume how other people DO feel or think, but I do consider how they MIGHT feel or think. There is no 'of course' where someone else's thoughts and feelings are concerned.

    A good manager who has a clear breakdown in communication will reconsider the manner in which they are communicating with their subordinate, regardless of whether that subordinate has any direct comments about the way they are perceiving their interaction together. There is plenty of room in this situation for there to be simple unaddressed miscommunication forming the opinions of both parties - a situation which I'll remind you that neither you or I are any part of.

86. Regina BrownDecember 26,2024 at 12:22AM UTC

    This sounds like a very good time for all to meet with HR. There is a vast difference between how they view their treatment vs how you have treated them (as you have explained to us in this post).

    There seems to be no communication nor anything in writing. Writing seems to be a good place to start. From this point forward, it may be best for you to send your expectations and explanations in email.

    After you have sent the email, then ask your employee to followup with a reply to the email with any questions or comments.

87. Rebecca MillikenDecember 26,2024 at 1:43PM UTC

    This person sounds like a messy employee to begin with--someone who is used to being coddled or expects it. Meeting with HR can be helpful if how you have presented this situation as it is. HR should be able to let you know if anything you have done is wrong.

    If you haven't had issues with people because or your communication style in the past, I don't think you're the issue. Things would have come up by now.

    The only thing I think might be the problem is the leaving early thing. They probably don't realize they need to get out of there until they just need to go. I can understand wanting to go to work and trying to get through it and realizing I can't. So maybe a bit of understanding there is needed.

    But if they can't do the job and can't take corrections, that's not your issue. There is only so much you can change about your communication style to appease someone feelings when the main issue is that you keep having to correct them. It's not condescending to explain something when someone is doing it wrong repeatedly. It's an easy assumption to make that they must not know how to do it.

    I hope a lot of your communications with this person are in writing. If not, make sure as much as possible is.

88. AnonymousJanuary 2,2025 at 1:45PM UTC

    Just make sure you have things documented about this employee's behavior and how they aren't getting work done. Also, I think it's important to maintain objectivity. Use statements that frame things in an objective way when talking to HR. Also has this employee gone to HR? is that why you are meeting with HR? or are you meeting with HR because the employee requested that you do so? If the employee requested, then I would ask why haven't they gone to HR? I just think it's odd if they are asking you to go to talk to HR about something that they themselves haven't voiced a concern with HR about... make sense?

89. Julie landauJanuary 7,2025 at 4:30PM UTC

    I know this is a tough situation, and it’s clear you care deeply about being a strong and fair leader. Take a moment to breathe, you are not alone In this.

    Leadership is a constant learning journey. Try to approach the feedback with an open heart, knowing it’s a chance to grow, NOT A REFLECTION OF YOUR WORTH.

    You are doing your best, and that matters. Be kind to yourself, you got this.