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Hello. I need advice on how to deal with a coworker...

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Anonymous

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Hello. I need advice on how to deal with a coworker...

I work in a small, understaffed advancement office in a college. There has been a crazy amount of turnover: Finance staff, assistants and directors. This dept has had 4 different Directors in the space of 2 years. The most recent director created and augmented a highly toxic atmosphere (constant micromanagement, lack of respect for new employees/the learning curve, conflicting and unclear directions, and loudly berating people- especially me because I was her assistant, and almost always in full view of others). This recent Director was let go after an investigation into her behavior yielded 100% corroboration.

My concern is as follows: To use this analogy- sometimes when you clean out your refrigerator from the rotten food, the refrigerator still stinks. This former Director cultivated an atmosphere in which it is perfectly ok for one-or-more hierarchical-minded coworkers to yell at me/completely forget their manners whenever they are stressed out over an event, or their UNSPOKEN expectations aren't met (the communication is the worst I have seen anywhere- and no accountability), or they're not feeling well, etc. I let lots of things go, but I have limits like everybody else.

Today, I was abruptly yelled at while I was in a Zoom meeting. The coworker didn't care WHO heard her. She came in for just one hour (she was sick and shouldn't have come in to begin with- AND she could have done her Zoom call from home). She abruptly and loudly barked my name several times toward the back of my head and scolded me (like I was a child) because she could hear me (she was on a call too- the fact that she was MUCH louder than I would ever be was apparently fine, so I guess my Zoom call was unimportant?). This coworker has always had a habit of mirroring the way the old Director used to behave towards me- she only does it to me (because she knows better than to treat anyone else this way- she'd never get away with it- she is very political and super-sweet to others- some who she has badmouthed; she can be inauthentic- kind of like the two-faced mayor in Nightmare Before Christmas). She has apologized to me before but she always goes right back to that behavior whenever it suits her. This is Exhibit A of a toxic dynamic. I also RESENT the fact that- though I am here. Every day. All day... I have to deal with someone who has a hybrid schedule but, when she IS here treats me like I am just a guest and not an employee who has just as much right to be here as anyone else (this has been exhibited in various ways, such as having prolonged personal phone-calls, which I don't mind- what I do mind is that she conducts ALL of those calls on speakerphone on full blast. Yet, I have to walk on eggshells...Also denying me access to the air conditioner WITHOUT so much as even asking me first- because apparently her comfort is the only thing that matters.).

I am reaching a point where I won't be able to hold back and grit my teeth through it any longer. And please don't advise me to look for another job: the market is HORRIBLE and one of the only good things about this job is that it pays a living wage (Had it not been for that, I would have been long gone). I don't want to bother HR, plus the HR director surprised me by letting me know that she has already been aware of her behavior and how she gets at events (and she didn't come by that knowledge because of me). HR has enough on their plate...And they heard plenty from me when it came to the former director. I am seeking perspective and objectivity, which is what brought me here. Thank you very much in advance.

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  1. Anonymous

    Practice in the mirror with a dead-eye stare “I don’t know why you think that communication style is appropriate or effective. It’s not.” I promise practicing and even writing it down on a note on your keyboard will work. One day you’ll seize the moment.

  2. Anonymous

    What is the outcome you are hoping for here? Realistically, of course. If this has been going on however long with no real change noticed, I'm not sure what you'd actually be able to accomplish addressing this individual head-on. Given how you say she treats you, this is bordering on full-on bullying. Does your employer have a policy on this? If so, yes, go to HR even though you don't want "bother" them. That is still part of the HR function. Is there a whistleblower hotline of sorts? If so, report it there. What I advise you not to do is stoop to this individual's level and go tit for tat.

  3. Anonymous

    First off the job market has improved immensely over the past month so that's really not much of an out. You could look for a job

    As far as your recourse .. .you leave a ZOOM ( as in HANG UP) meeting, you ask to sit away from this person, you avoid in person meetings and you record all meeting. Zoom makes this easy. Simply put, you take control of you. You don't need anyone's permission. So while it's a difficult situation, it is absolutely possible, not to mention advisable, to distance yourself from abuse. No one will come after you for avoiding unacceptable behavior.

    If you are staying for the money, then don't allow the job to cost you. No one respects a doormat. Take care of yourself.

  4. Anonymous

    Presuming OP wants to remain in academia, the job market in the academic environment just tanked over the unethical and largely illegal actions taken by the - don't even know what to call the dysfunctional duo at this point. We've been put on a hiring freeze and everyone is struggling to come up with a plan to modify support functions (which are likely to include layoffs).

  5. Anonymous

    Yikes. I am a "support function" in academia. And I have been randomly asked to provide a laundry list of the things that I do...

  6. Anonymous

    Wow. So remaining passive is your preferred strategy?

  7. Anonymous

    Seriously consider related duties that may be able to roll up into your position. If you see organizational problems, try to come up with a solution and position yourself to be the one who can implement or supervise the solution. We can still try to strategize, even in midst of chaos, but either way consider getting your resume up to date. Good luck!

  8. Anonymous

    The perspective I'm wanting to share with you is to change your responses to her. Behavior continues when you allow it to. If she doesn't treat others that way, ask them how they redirected or requested more respectful discussion. If yelled at, what can you do differently to let her know that it is not acceptable?

  9. Anonymous

    OP here - because she has a hierarchical mindset. She used to have my role and I guess she now thinks she has "earned" the "right" to talk to me that way. She does not see me as a colleague and therefore thinks it's ok to disrespect me. The others are her level or above.

  10. Anonymous

    You never seem to stand up to her. Just complaining will get you nowhere.

  11. Anonymous

    If you want to hang on to this job at all costs then take control and don't allow the abuse. I would leave the zoom meetings if anything disrespectful happens. Easy peasy. I like the suggestion of moving your desk away from this person. You can make up all sorts of excuses to allow the behavior to continue but at the end of the day, you can control your reaction. How can you possibly think this will stop if you dont escalate your respone?

  12. Anonymous

    Yes, but why should I have ended MY Zoom meeting? My meeting was only for 15 minutes. I have just as much right to be here as she does.

  13. Anonymous

    Interrupt the zoom mtg and say you cannot tolerate the treatment. If you are not willing to take any action.....what exactly do you want? You seem not to want to take strong action.

  14. Anonymous

    You document every example. You take this to your manager then you take it to HR, letting them both know you were not hired to work in a hostile environment, then ask they address it, correct it and move your desk. Then be sure to consult with an employment attorney. You are allowed to bother HR. They are there to help with employment issues. You are not required to be bullied or treated with disrespect. I promise you that when you take these steps and nothing changes, be sure your attorney makes a call to HR, it will get fixed. If HR already knows there’s a good chance the bully will be on a PIP or let go. SPEAK UP. Do not tolerate this one more day.

  15. fduntv

    It sounds as if the place where you work is a shared office space with a lack of privacy and boundaries. Are there closed offices where one could go to have private online meetings? A lack of privacy and aggressive co-workers would bother me a lot.

  16. Anonymous

    OP here - I would definitely go into an office but leadership has frowned upon that in the past...even if the office is EMPTY (one called this "squatting!"). My thing is, if someone has the OPTION to conduct this meeting from home and they are SICK, then conduct the meeting from home. Btw, my throat is scratchy and I've been sneezing today. I was fine yesterday. I do NOT have the option of working from home- I have to be here every day and all day.

  17. Anonymous

    I’ve had many many experiences with bullies like this from middle school and until now at 35. I learned one thing that works every time. Shift your energy when they walk into the room, when they walk past you, when they try to address you, etc and do it NOTICEABLY. No tip toeing, no respect, no kindness, none of the usual, expected coworker behavior. You give her the energy she gives you but you give it silently and instead of this coming across as passive aggressive, you are simply acting as if you are completely unbothered.

    whenever she addresses you directly, simply look her dead in the eyes— do not break eye contact (this is important). make direct & unwavering eye contact with her until she looks away first. You are an f’ing fearless warrior and you are to be respected.

    Even when it becomes awkward (count on it, it will), make sure your eyes meet hers so completely, intensely. Then keep it that way.

    You’ll feel uncomfortable and eventually so will she. I guarantee you this works. Although I’ll be the first to admit it’s not a strategy for everyone and it should be done only when circumstances have left you without a more communicative option.

    It’s the best way to say “no more bs is going to come out of your mouth. Or else.”

    The “or else”, of course, is only implied. Lol but believe me, it is felt. She will get the message loud and clear that she needs to be nice to you from now on.

    even when she looks away & breaks eye contact but she is still speaking to you directly or indirectly, continue to drill your eyeballs into her eyeballs whereever they may be. Even if she stopped addressing you, I’d actually drill into her head for a few seconds too long to get across my message.

    She could be looking down at her keyboard but she WILL feel your focus. And she will be intimidated. Personallyi can’t not smile when I’m speaking with someone so everytime I’ve done my special strategy of bully intimidation via eye contact, I make it more intense and have a not-so-subtle smirk on my face that says “you sure you wanna talk to me like that? Hahaaaa good luck”.

    Yes it makes me look like a psycho and in some extreme cases (your situation would be considered veryy extreme in my opinion) looking like a psycho is exactly what I want.

    I want them to question what on the Lord’s beautiful green earth I am willing to do in response to any continued bullying. I want them to know my tolerance limit has been far exceeded and even IIII dont know what I will do or how far I will go.

    I promise you this works every time. And they will have nothing to report to hr since youre still looking & behaving completely normally to anyone looking from outside of yawls immediate area. I wouldn’t do the straight up staring boring holes into her head if theres somebody sitting right next to her (unless they’re on your side and u know that for a fact). If nobody sees you up the eye contact, what could she possibly have to complain about?

    ”Wah she intimidated me!” She could say lol but she won’t. Sounds like everyone already knows how she treats you so even if they believe you did anything to intimidate her, they’d give you a high five.

    But let’s be honest, a bully will never admit that their target intimidated them with eye contact. That’d make them look like the weak losers they are :P

  18. GirlBossanova934974

    You may want to ask yourself a simple question to start with. Why did you write nearly a 100 lines without a single paragraph break? Not so easy to read. Are you really looking for SOLUTIONS? Or are you looking to spell out a long list of grievances? (There I said it ALL....) Well, very little gets done these days with grievances....Take a number. So what are the solutions? Well, first of all, your former Director did what? She hired herself and the bad apples multiplied like cancer. So getting rid of the bad apples will take time. This is a COMMON occurrence these days. That being said, you can either stand up to the bully and shout her down OR go look for another job. In my long career, I have found that bullies really hate it when hand it right back to them. The objective is to make them feel very very uncomfortable. Eventually, HR tosses them and their fellow bad actors and actresses.

  19. Anonymous

    Why hold back. Make a meeting with this person and HR in the room. Make it a 15 minute meeting if need be. Repeat the behavior that occurred in the meeting and reinforce that is is never okay to yell at you and you expect the same professional respect that she does at all times. Let her know that you will not tolerate this ever again. Look her in the eyes when you say it, and say it in a soft voice directly to her. You are not making it into a confrontation but merely recording and memorializing the bad behavior and it coming from her. Period. End of story. Make sure you follow the meeting up with dates, times and cc HR and the new leadership. It will stop.

  20. Anonymous

    Are you serious? OP is terrified of upsetting the dynamic and being let go. A lot of people just need to vent. They do not really want to take action or appear to fight back. They just want someone else to do it for them and keep them out of it.

  21. Anonymous

    Yes, I am totally serious. My advice is sound and since I work in legal and HR strongly suggest that she take control of her situation by gently reminding the offending party that she will not be bullied. Safety in the workplace is number one for any employee no matter what IMHO.

  22. Anonymous

    OP here - she does not have an office. She has a semi-enclosed area about 35 feet away from me. I sit at the "front desk" area, which has been very difficult for me because this coworker has frequently disrespected my privacy and boundaries. She has also gone so far as to imply that I do not DESERVE boundaries because (quote, unquote) "You're the front desk." However the majority of my job necessitates focusing on spreadsheets, data, and documents (which requires concentration, however people have conducted conversations literally right on my counter). I do very little "front-desking" by comparison to the majority of my work. Yes, this person has treated my area like her "second office." There was one time her and the former director conducted a 20-minute long conversation- both on either side of me- as if I wasn't even there, literally talking right over my head- to the point that I got up and walked out. Director had an office.

  23. Anonymous

    Since HR is aware and they are not doing anything about it, I would report it to their manager. If you don't want to go that route, have a conversation with her about your concerns with her behavior and ask her to stop.

  24. Anonymous

    Contact your Title IX office. Report the hostile co-worker. If you make no stance, nothing changes. If you want to make change, be a part of it.

  25. Anonymous

    Title X is sex discrimination...

  26. Anonymous

    Not it isn't. I work in higher ed. Title IX includes hostility in the workplace. It prohibits hostile work environments. I highly encourage you or to whomever responded if you are not in higher ed, you have work to do to educate yourself. To the OP - reach out to your title ix office.

  27. Anonymous

    You may be thinking of Title VII for harassment in the workplace

  28. Anonymous

    It seems like you would rather not do or say anything for fear of losing your job. That's a decision only you can make.

  29. Anonymous

    Since you are extremely timid, I would just leave it and wear headphones.

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